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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH refusing to buy me what I ACTUALLY want - AIBU to find this frustrating?

124 replies

Greysealemperorpenguin · 23/12/2021 20:06

A fairly everyday but not-cheap item of mine broke and this is a pain and inconveniences me all the time.

I’ve asked DH for a replacement for Christmas and he keeps deflecting, saying he’ll mend it (he won’t and even if he does it isn’t the same.)

AIBU to find it a bit frustrating?

OP posts:
antisocialsocialclub · 24/12/2021 10:27

@80sMum

Just buy a replacement! Why is it so important that it has to be a "gift"? I put gift in inverted commas because, as you're married, it's presumably your money as well as your husband's that would be used to buy the item. Which one of actually orders it is irrelevant, surely? As it's you who wants/needs it, it follows that you would buy it. That makes more sense to me.
as you're married, it's presumably your money as well as your husband's that would be used to buy the item.

Really? We have separate finances. Well joint for bills and mortgage but have our own accounts for our own salaries. Why is it assumed everyone shares finances?

ChiefStockingStuffer · 24/12/2021 10:37

OP, tell him want the bag for Christmas or the money to buy yourself a new one.

He should want to give you something you really want and would enjoy; this is it.

He's being mean if he insists it be something else. Tell him to keep the receipt for whatever it is he's replaced it with because it's going back.

BazWazzycantdance · 24/12/2021 10:37

I don’t understand the concept of its joint money. Joint money is for the family, children and home, not luxuries I fancy having. I buy gifts for my husband with my own money and don’t touch the joint money; my husband does the same. If you can’t afford to buy it yourself and your husband has already bought you something (even if you don’t like it) just save up for it. You shouldn’t be using household income to buy a bloody expensive handbag- that’s just entitled and if a bag was a necessity, then any bag would do. You don’t get everything you want straight away. You do sound very entitled and are throwing a tantrum. If you want the bag that much- be independent and buy it yourself.

Original poster
Greysealemperorpenguin · 24/12/2021 10:38

@Nightfeedwatcher I know, I think ‘replace the bag’ is ‘cancel the cheque.’

OP posts:
HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 24/12/2021 10:39

@Greysealemperorpenguin

He’s returned the straighteners already, asked me what else I’d like, I told him, like a PP husband he told me why I shouldn’t want that.

But I can see this will be the thread of one sentence replies all inferring how thick and stupid I am Xmas Hmm

Merry Christmas.

I don’t think you’re thick and stupid!

I think he’s quite thick and stupid though. Not to mention horribly arrogant - why on earth does he think he gets to tell you what you should or shouldn’t want??

I’d tell him one more time that YOU DO NOT WANT HIM TO ‘MEND’ YOUR BAG ‘SOME DAY’! YOU WANT A LOVELY, SHINY NEW BAG!

And if he still maintains that you’re not allowed to want that I’d tell him that you no longer want anything from him.

HoseMeDownWithHollyWater · 24/12/2021 10:40

OP, how is the bag broken? Is it even fixable?

Not saying you should - I'm just curious.

shethatmustnot · 24/12/2021 10:52

It's a strange perversion of our materialist and ego-centric society that we think of Christmas as an opportunity to tell everybody what we want and expect them to get it for us. That was never the idea behind it.

Lovemusic33 · 24/12/2021 10:53

Just buy it yourself? Maybe he’s already go you something?

Original poster
Greysealemperorpenguin · 24/12/2021 10:55

Well no, and if we had decided to take a stand against the commercialism of Christmas that would be one thing, but when someone asks what you’d like and you say, you know … I’d LOVE a new bag to replace mine which broke and they say no … arghh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greysealemperorpenguin · 24/12/2021 10:56

  1. I can’t afford to buy it myself. Like for like replacement is £70.
  1. He has not got me anything.
  1. He has not bought me the bag as a surprise.

Merry Mumsnet Christmas Xmas Smile I wonder how many times ‘just buy the bag yourself’ or variations of will have been posted by 2022 😂

OP posts:
antisocialsocialclub · 24/12/2021 10:57

@shethatmustnot

It's a strange perversion of our materialist and ego-centric society that we think of Christmas as an opportunity to tell everybody what we want and expect them to get it for us. That was never the idea behind it.
I agree with this but it does stop waste though. Brother used to buy me ridiculous stuff I’d never use and just let my niece buy me random stuff that was really inappropriate (coloured hair mascara anyone?) at least now he asks what I might need.

Agree it feels a bit transactional though

IDontDrinkTea · 24/12/2021 10:58

Oh I expected this to be something really dull like an iron - a new bag actually sounds like a great present to me?!

I had a similar conversation a few years ago when I wanted a cordless hoover for my birthday. DH refused to buy one as he said it wasn’t a proper present, I maintained not lugging our old enormous heavy thing about every day sounded like a great present. In the end, he bought something else, I returned it, bought the hoover with the funds

BarbaraofSeville · 24/12/2021 11:03

Really? We have separate finances. Well joint for bills and mortgage but have our own accounts for our own salaries. Why is it assumed everyone shares finances

But the fact that he can afford to spend money and she can't could be indicative that they don't have equal access to money, however their finances are arranged, ie it's common for mothers to spend a disproportionate amount of their own money on DC/house/family expenses, whereas men spend theirs on themselves.

If this is how it works in the OPs household, maybe she should be using the joint account more for joint expenses, eg who bought the DC Christmas presents?, so she has sufficient personal money to buy a midpriced handbag when she needs one.

That's one thing that the OP should be mindful of, and taking steps to avoid, as well as getting the bag she wants instead of a random item that she doesn't.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 24/12/2021 11:08

@IDontDrinkTea

Oh I expected this to be something really dull like an iron - a new bag actually sounds like a great present to me?!

I had a similar conversation a few years ago when I wanted a cordless hoover for my birthday. DH refused to buy one as he said it wasn’t a proper present, I maintained not lugging our old enormous heavy thing about every day sounded like a great present. In the end, he bought something else, I returned it, bought the hoover with the funds

You might want to read the thread again.

OP’s ‘D’H is dictating to her what she is allowed to want for Christmas. He doesn’t want to buy her a bag, for whatever stupid reason.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 24/12/2021 11:11

@shethatmustnot

It's a strange perversion of our materialist and ego-centric society that we think of Christmas as an opportunity to tell everybody what we want and expect them to get it for us. That was never the idea behind it.
Right...

But that's really not what happening here, is it.

Lougle · 24/12/2021 11:13

I think that he won't understand how a bag (that you want and would enjoy using) can be a present. It's just something you use to put your stuff in and carry it around. Whereas the hair straighteners (that you don't want or need) make you 'look nice' so they're a present.

Could you have one last go and say "When I have a nice new bag I feel good and I enjoy using it. It would be a real treat to have a nice new bag and this is the one I would like.'

You shouldn't have to go to those lengths but it might be worth it.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 24/12/2021 11:15

@Greysealemperorpenguin

1. I can’t afford to buy it myself. Like for like replacement is £70.
  1. He has not got me anything.
  1. He has not bought me the bag as a surprise.

Merry Mumsnet Christmas Xmas Smile I wonder how many times ‘just buy the bag yourself’ or variations of will have been posted by 2022 😂

I'd have one last go. He's got you nothing- inexcusable in my opinion. You are right to be upset. Can you take back his presents?
HestersSamplerofCarrots · 24/12/2021 11:16

Dear god, this place is annoying sometimes.

YANBU. He’s being an arse.

Yes, he should buy you the bloody bag.

meltingmyhead · 24/12/2021 11:17

@HestersSamplerofCarrots

Dear god, this place is annoying sometimes.

YANBU. He’s being an arse.

Yes, he should buy you the bloody bag.

This!
Balonziaga · 24/12/2021 11:19

I get it OP.

Ask for something that costs £70. Ask for the receipt. Change the thing. Buy the bag.

Convoluted way of doing it, but you might get the point across.

80sMum · 24/12/2021 11:21

@shethatmustnot

It's a strange perversion of our materialist and ego-centric society that we think of Christmas as an opportunity to tell everybody what we want and expect them to get it for us. That was never the idea behind it.
I agree! Nobody is actually obliged to to give anybody anything for Christmas!

Thankfully, over the years I have managed to reduce the buying of gifts by limiting it to children only. I have four grandchildren and buy gifts for them, but that's it.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 24/12/2021 11:23

I agree with those who say he should just buy the bloody bag!

FrodoAteMyRing · 24/12/2021 11:24

OP
Don't give him your present. Instead return it and use the money to buy yourself a new handbag. That'll teach him Grin Im serious btw. He is being a bit of an arse.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 24/12/2021 11:26

He's being an arse, he should have bought what you asked for. I'd be tempted to return his gift and use the funds to buy the bag. We also have separate finances so understand where you are coming from.

FreedomFaith · 24/12/2021 11:27

@NotJustACigar

Maybe he'll get you one after all as a surprise? I asked DH for a karaoke machine last year and didn't get it on the grounds I would be annoying with it (probably true).
I'm sorry this made me laugh Grin