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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH refusing to buy me what I ACTUALLY want - AIBU to find this frustrating?

124 replies

Greysealemperorpenguin · 23/12/2021 20:06

A fairly everyday but not-cheap item of mine broke and this is a pain and inconveniences me all the time.

I’ve asked DH for a replacement for Christmas and he keeps deflecting, saying he’ll mend it (he won’t and even if he does it isn’t the same.)

AIBU to find it a bit frustrating?

OP posts:
SpacePotato · 23/12/2021 23:02

@Greysealemperorpenguin

Not everyone can just afford to go out and buy what they want. Especially at Christmas.
What's the actual difference in you just buying it or getting it for xmas though? The same amount of money is being spent either way.
Original poster
Greysealemperorpenguin · 23/12/2021 23:10

Yes but if it’s a gift for me I’m not spending it

OP posts:
TheAbbotOfUnreason · 23/12/2021 23:14

@Greysealemperorpenguin

Not everyone can just afford to go out and buy what they want. Especially at Christmas.
But in your OP you said you’ve asked your DH to buy you a replacement for the broken item for Christmas because that’s what you want?
SleepingStandingUp · 23/12/2021 23:17

What's the actual difference in you just buying it or getting it for xmas though? The same amount of money is being spent either way.

Not everyone shares finances

If they swap presents, there's still an obligation on him to go and buy her another present

Its rude to tell someone to not buy you a present cos you already took the money you would have used and brought something nicer.

@Greysealemperorpenguin has he already brought you a new present?

Original poster
Greysealemperorpenguin · 23/12/2021 23:17

Yeeeees …?

OP posts:
Original poster
Greysealemperorpenguin · 23/12/2021 23:17

X post. I don’t know - I doubt it.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 23/12/2021 23:18

So did you ask for the bag before or after he swapped the straighteners and got you something else? I'd assume he just can't afford your bag

kittenkipper · 23/12/2021 23:18

Yes, she wants that which she lost and cannot afford to replace. Hence requesting it as a present?

I'm agog that posters don't understand that we don't all have what we want/ need and money is no object HmmShock

Helpstopthepain · 23/12/2021 23:20

It’s Christmas Eve tomorrow, will he even be able to get it?
I can’t get my head around telling people what to buy.

TheAbbotOfUnreason · 23/12/2021 23:23

@kittenkipper

Yes, she wants that which she lost and cannot afford to replace. Hence requesting it as a present?

I'm agog that posters don't understand that we don't all have what we want/ need and money is no object HmmShock

Well OP seems to think that her DH can afford to buy a replacement?
Squeezita · 23/12/2021 23:24

Something that causes you pain and inconvenience by its absence is not a luxury, it’s a necessity.

Therefore, you should be able to purchase the replacement from family money, not as a present.

How are finances managed?

LoveGoldberg · 23/12/2021 23:30

Well OP seems to think that her DH can afford to buy a replacement

Because he has probably put money aside for her present. They could have budgeted spending £70 each on each other and that’s all they can afford. If he spends £70 on something else and then OP spends £70 on his present that could be all of the money gone so she can’t then pay £50 for a new bag on top, but he could use the initial £70 for the bag.

I’ve spent £100 on my partner, it doesn’t mean I can treat myself next week!

Ericaequites · 23/12/2021 23:30

Cobblers can mend seams, but big tears aren’t possible to fix well. They can also refinish scruffy bags. I just use high quality cream polish.

LittleRoundRobin · 23/12/2021 23:33

@Thirtytimesround

Yanbu. Every yar DH asks me what I want, and then if I tell him he proceeds to tell me why I shouldn’t want that. 🤨
My DH was like this for the first 10 or 12 years we were together. EVERY YEAR (Christmas and my birthday,) he'd say, (approximately 4-5 weeks before,) 'write me a list of stuff you want... gimme some ideas.' So I would write out a list of 10 or 12 items, and say 'just 4 or 5 will do...' I am talking a total of £30-40 in total.

EVERY YEAR for about 8 or 9 years, he got me other stuff, and not ONE sodding item off 'the list.' Not one. By the 8th or 9th year, I started to say 'just get me what you want... there is nothing specific.' He'd say 'there MUST be something!' I'd say 'nahhh, nothing. There is nothing I can think of.' I thought WTF is the point of me listing stuff, when you don't buy a single 'requested' item?

That was when we were much younger. He buys me great things now, and always what I want. (Most of the time!)

LittleRoundRobin · 23/12/2021 23:35

@Helpstopthepain

It’s Christmas Eve tomorrow, will he even be able to get it? I can’t get my head around telling people what to buy.
Should people just be given stuff they don't want then? Confused
Original poster
Greysealemperorpenguin · 23/12/2021 23:41

The bag hasn’t torn.

Look, it’s getting into another discussion re finances and I don’t know why. DH bought hair straighteners, which I don’t need. These cost over £100. It doesn’t mean I have £70 to spare on a bag just before Christmas.

OP posts:
WrongWayApricot · 23/12/2021 23:55

Maybe it'll be cheaper in the sales anyway, will he be okay with giving you the money or a gift card?

Or, buy him a tatty second hand bag for Christmas for him to do up if he wants to fix bags so much. He might not be so stubborn next year. Especially if you ask how the project is coming on every few months. Grin

SpacePotato · 24/12/2021 00:05

So the issue is that despite your DH having the money to buy you the one thing you actually want and need, he'd rather completely ignore your wishes and thinks he knows better, and that you should be in awe of his choice of gift.

amnm · 24/12/2021 00:08

Maybe he already had bought you something else as a present when you asked him about it?

Also, I agree with other posters- see if you can try and mend it yourself.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/12/2021 08:32

@Squeezita

Something that causes you pain and inconvenience by its absence is not a luxury, it’s a necessity.

Therefore, you should be able to purchase the replacement from family money, not as a present.

How are finances managed?

So if I brought a £1k bag when I was flush, then it broke when we were on hard times, but I missed my bag, was upset and it was inconvenient to not have it, I should be able to buy the same one from family funds?? Er, no. If a bag is a necessity, then any bag will suffice if a cheap one from Asda
mdh2020 · 24/12/2021 08:56

Why don’t you take the bag to a shoe repairer? They can usually help.

mdh2020 · 24/12/2021 08:56

BTW - my DH will buy me something if I hint/ ask for it but he much prefers to buy me a surprise.

PomegranateQueen · 24/12/2021 09:02

Return his present and buy yourself a new bag if he is going to be so akward.

Original poster
Greysealemperorpenguin · 24/12/2021 09:06

@mdh2020

Why don’t you take the bag to a shoe repairer? They can usually help.
Because I would like a new bag 😩
OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 24/12/2021 09:13

He’s a controlling twat! That’s why you don’t get a bag. He’s decided on your present so lump it! Or buy it yourself and take control. He’s obviously not interested in your views. Next year don’t buy him anything and get a better bag that doesn’t break. Problem
Solved. You will be in charge.

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