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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of DH never getting up in the night?

87 replies

Abicr · 22/12/2021 01:09

Baby doesn’t sleep. Wakes and spend hours trying to get him back down. I’m on my knees with tiredness.

DH never wakes. Ever. Lies there snoring. I’m sick of it.

Don’t say wake him. There’s no point as I’m awake then.

OP posts:
BasicDad · 22/12/2021 01:16

Baby monitor strapped to his head or at least by his side. You sleep in another room away from the noise.

Worst case. You kick him awake and tell him it's his fucking turn. This isn't just your responsibility. Look after yourself.

ShottaSheriff · 22/12/2021 01:16

You need a plan and to make it clear he needs to help. Our baby (12 weeks) is currently a bloody nightmare and won’t sleep in his cot and wakes every two hours. We have a general agreement of teamwork - baby wakes, and we take in turns to settle. Also DH deals with 9pm-12am as I really need to have that slot to sleep. I deal with 12-3am, then we muddle along depending on the frequency of wakes etc.

Unless he’s a pilot or a brain surgeon, he needs to get involved. Do wake him if necessary and hand over being on duty to him. If he is impossible to wake then he needs to do the beginning or end of the night where it doesn’t rely on him waking up, just staying awake once you’ve woken him or before going to sleep, and have handed over responsibility.

Flittingaboutagain · 22/12/2021 03:51

Many babies don't sleep well, especially in the west where we try and make them sleep alone in cribs when they just want to be touching us and I think shifts or allocated tasks are really key. Perhaps some men just don't realise how much chronic sleep deprivation is a normal part of parenting up to age 2.

So if baby struggles to sleep or resettle could you agree in advance each night who is doing what?

At the moment we are switching between husband doing shifts with baby whilst I sleep next door (and expressed milk for those nights) or alternatively husband sits up with baby after every feed to help with reflux and settling whilst I go back to sleep.

samwitwicky · 22/12/2021 04:24

Don’t say wake him. There’s no point as I’m awake then

What else can we say?

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 22/12/2021 04:27

My 17m old doesn’t sleep. I do 6pm-5am. DH gets up with him at 5 and I get a 3 hour sleep. It’s better than nothing

Rangoon · 22/12/2021 04:36

I'd have thought our babies slept through from birth if my husband wasn't shaking me awake. I did get up and deal with them when he went back to sleep. Ours slept through at 6 and 8 weeks respectively and I can assure you that many Europeans do not think that chronic sleep deprivation is a normal part of parenting up to age 2 and I can almost guarantee your grandparents didn't think so either. I can't even begin to imagine anybody not getting a child into some sort of sleeping pattern long before age 2. My children weren't sleeping in a crib - they were in another room from birth. And I had hours of totally uninterrupted sleep. With my second child when I was going back to work in six weeks after a c-section, my husband took over the night feeds to make sure I could sleep and recover. I had supply problems and my son had formula for the night feeds.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 22/12/2021 04:40

I can't even begin to imagine anybody not getting a child into some sort of sleeping pattern long before age 2

I can’t even begin to imagine putting a newborn in a different room from me!

timeisnotaline · 22/12/2021 04:47

I wake first with a little baby. I’m going to wake my dh rather than be a martyr! and he will have to take baby out of room so I can get back to sleep. Also we have a bed set up in another room for when next baby arrives. It’s only the next room but I’m hoping it facilitates a block of sleep when ‘off duty’.

MotherOfCrocodiles · 22/12/2021 04:54

Shifts. And whoever is off duty is in a different room from the baby.

He doesn't wake up because it's not his problem. If he gets used to being woken he will sleep more lightly.

Toplowlight · 22/12/2021 05:15

You have to wake him. It’s the solution. My husband slept through our baby waking too until I started waking him on his turns. It trained his ear up and within a week or two he started waking on his own. These days he often hears him before I do.

Bubblty · 22/12/2021 05:17

You have to wake him! Then you go back to sleep

Toplowlight · 22/12/2021 05:17

@Rangoon

I'd have thought our babies slept through from birth if my husband wasn't shaking me awake. I did get up and deal with them when he went back to sleep. Ours slept through at 6 and 8 weeks respectively and I can assure you that many Europeans do not think that chronic sleep deprivation is a normal part of parenting up to age 2 and I can almost guarantee your grandparents didn't think so either. I can't even begin to imagine anybody not getting a child into some sort of sleeping pattern long before age 2. My children weren't sleeping in a crib - they were in another room from birth. And I had hours of totally uninterrupted sleep. With my second child when I was going back to work in six weeks after a c-section, my husband took over the night feeds to make sure I could sleep and recover. I had supply problems and my son had formula for the night feeds.
Do what works for you but imo this is bad advice. Having the baby sleep in a different room to you before 6 months increases the risk of SIDS.
Toplowlight · 22/12/2021 05:18

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

My 17m old doesn’t sleep. I do 6pm-5am. DH gets up with him at 5 and I get a 3 hour sleep. It’s better than nothing
Jesus wept. Why is your shift 11 hours and your husband’s shift 3 hours?!
Original poster
Abicr · 22/12/2021 05:18

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

My 17m old doesn’t sleep. I do 6pm-5am. DH gets up with him at 5 and I get a 3 hour sleep. It’s better than nothing
It is but not when you have to be in work at 8.

Another room from birth sounds horrible. And goes against age sleep guidelines.

Just frustrating with DH as once I’m awake I find it so hard to go back to sleep for some reason. DS hasn’t actually slept too badly tonight but I have!

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 22/12/2021 05:19

You're bothered he doesn't wake up. But you won't wake him. Not a lot else that can be done here...

Bubblty · 22/12/2021 05:21

Yeah don't put baby in another room.

Original poster
Abicr · 22/12/2021 05:21

Well, no, but I reserve the right to find it frustrating when I’m trying to function on 3 hours sleep!

OP posts:
Bubblty · 22/12/2021 05:22

It might get easier to sleep the more you do it?

Original poster
Abicr · 22/12/2021 05:22

@Bubblty

Yeah don't put baby in another room.
Mines 12 months so is fine to be in another room but I wouldn’t for babies under 6 months and certainly not a newborn.
OP posts:
Rangoon · 22/12/2021 05:23

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

I can't even begin to imagine anybody not getting a child into some sort of sleeping pattern long before age 2

I can’t even begin to imagine putting a newborn in a different room from me!

Well they are both at university and living at home at the moment so they obviously don't hold the separate room thing against me. At most, my eldest was disappointed over no longer having his bathroom to himself and having to share with his younger brother so they may be a bit on the territorial side. I was raised in exactly the same way - my parents along with most other parents of that generation - would not have dreamt of having a baby sleeping in their room if it was possible to avoid it. This up all night with the baby thing is to a large extent a modern invention.
GrannyBattleaxe · 22/12/2021 05:32

There IS a point - so that he actually appreciates what you are doing and takes responsibility for his own child!! Martyring yourself for what exactly? We’ve always split the nights up with the babies so DH does till midnight and I do after, and yes I’m awake at the drop of a pin and can do everything, but the mental load of that is exhausting and not great for your relationship. I now have a 2 year old who sleeps through usually but gets up at 4-5am for the day, every day. I deal with it but DH deals with loads of other stuff as a trade-off, are you at least doing this?

Original poster
Abicr · 22/12/2021 05:34

I know MN is a huge fan of the split nights but I hate them. Besides, the problem is DS wails, I wake and then either have to get DH up and DS will inevitably wail more or just sort him myself! It’s a pain. Looking forward to him sleeping a bit better!

OP posts:
oKoK65 · 22/12/2021 05:41

What do you want to happen? Do you want him to wake up because that's not happening. Your choices are get up or wake him to get up which yes you are awake but it may train him to wake. If you are really struggling give him monitor and go sleep further away and make it his responsibility to get up for a night. Or on weekends send him downstairs with baby and stay in bed. My son use to be up every hour to 2 hours. I use to go to bed at 8pm my husband would stay up until 12 so I would get 5-6 hours sleep then basically be up from 1/2ish . A couple of times I slept in another room and my husband did wake up when I wasn't there.

BarryTheKestrel · 22/12/2021 05:43

We did split nights for the first 3 months, then did one night on, one night off. We don't have a spare room but on a few occasions I slept on the sofa so I wasn't woken up and could get a decent sleep. It's really hard with little ones that don't sleep through, even if it's not every night it's still incredibly hard.

Have a Frank conversation with him and explain how chronically exhausted you are and how you both need to come up with a plan that works for you both for night wakings. Don't be a martyr here, he needs to do his share, work out together how that will work.

Saoirse82 · 22/12/2021 05:49

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

I can't even begin to imagine anybody not getting a child into some sort of sleeping pattern long before age 2

I can’t even begin to imagine putting a newborn in a different room from me!

This! It goes against sleeping guidelines for a start but it feels unnatural to me as a mother. I'd rather be sleep deprived than putting my tiny baby in another room from me!