To be sick of DH never getting up in the night?

[Abicr]

Baby doesn’t sleep. Wakes and spend hours trying to get him back down. I’m on my knees with tiredness.

DH never wakes. Ever. Lies there snoring. I’m sick of it.

Don’t say wake him. There’s no point as I’m awake then.

@Abicr I feel your pain OP. It’s the same here. I have terrible sleep issues - once I’m awake I find it near impossible to get back to sleep. And I’m a very very light sleeper. So that doesn’t help things. The longest stretch of sleep I’ve had since I was 5 months pregnant is about 3 hours.

My DS is now 1 - has been in his own room for months. DH works away from home for 4 weeks at a time so for 4 weeks it’s just me and our baby that wakes at least 2-3x per night. Sometimes it’s a quick 5 minute cuddle and back down, other times he’s fussy and awake for a while. Either way I find it almost impossible to get back to sleep after his first waking.I’m up at 5am for work and get home at 6pm.

DH is then home for 4 weeks which is amazing. But he works offshore and has to sleep in a very noisy environment when not on shift at work so when I say he sleeps through noise, I mean he sleeps through EVERYTHING! He’s never once woken when our baby cried - not when he was in our room, not when he’s through the baby monitor. I’ve tried going to a different room to get some sleep and leaving DH on duty hoping that he’ll get used to being “on shift” so to speak and wake when our DS wakes but on the few occasions I’ve done this I’ve woken up because DS is upset and I can hear him from his room down the corridor - and DH is still sound asleep with baby wailing through the monitor. If I give him a good shake he’ll wake up and quite happily go and resettle baby but due to my own sleep issues I’m then wide awake. There have been a few occasions where I have woken DH to go and resettle DS and then I’ll hear snoring on the monitor and DH has fallen fast sleep in the armchair holding DS which obviously isn’t safe. DH gets up at 5am so that he can take over with baby when I go to get ready for work. And I should also add - DH feels horrific about this. He’s absolutely a “hands on” parent and doesn’t shy away from any of his responsibilities - he just physically doesn’t hear him at all!

My work involves 2 day training courses (about 1 every 8 weeks or so) where I need to stay away overnight. They should be restarting in February and I have no idea what I’m going to do when the time comes. I know I’d be awake all night worrying that DH wasnt waking if DS needed him. I just don’t feel comfortable leaving them alone together overnight. We’ve tried me going to bed early etc but by the time I get in at 6, spend some time with baby doing bath and bed, eat some dinner and do any other bits and pieces I need to do I, really need some wind down time before I can fall asleep so I’m never in bed before 10/11pm.

No advice I’m afraid, but you’re not alone

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

I can't even begin to imagine anybody not getting a child into some sort of sleeping pattern long before age 2

I can’t even begin to imagine putting a newborn in a different room from me!

But OP says her baby is 12 months old. Plenty old enough to he in it's own room.

@ShippingNews

My post was in response to another poster

Op in my experience you will come to resent your dh for choosing not to have anything to do with the baby over night and to prioritise his sleep over yours. It's not really just about getting extra sleep, it's about the attitude of "not my problem" which then does seep into various things during the day. I'd 100% be waking him. I did it with my dh for all 3 dcs, he still brings it up now, 8 years after the youngest was a baby because it was totally out of order, apparently.

Well OP you don't want any of the advice here.

Do you want to save your marriage? Or do you want to slowly drown in resentment and destroy it?

Your choice

Seriously? Its like anything-your baby may not warm to dh overnight for the first 20 mins you try, but in general you say baby is being cuddled by their dad so they will be ok even if they are crying and baby and dad sort out their cuddle back to sleep routine. But if you just don’t bother because too hard you never get there, which is a martyr approach.

Yes, it's very annoying. My partner sleeps like the actual dead - he's slept through huge thunderstorms, the smoke alarm, cat fights, a newborn screaming next to him, everything. But if you shove him enough times he does wake up. And then he could deal with our child while I went back to sleep.

@timeisnotaline

But if you just don’t bother because too hard you never get there, which is a martyr approach

The Martyr slur is so irritating. Just because people have different things they are comfortable to tolerate, doesn’t make it wrong. I can’t listen to 20 mins of my son screaming with my husband and getting hysterical, because I understand he is screaming for me and for my milk. It makes me want to tear my skin off. It also isn’t true they won’t get there - my 3 year old weaned much more easily when he was ready and slept through the night when he was ready. Not all babies are the same. Sometimes the attitude of “I just need to continue through this patch until it’s over” is the right attitude.

Oh, my DH doesn’t particularly want to try to hold a writhing, wriggling, screaming toddler either and the many, many times we have tried for him to settle or cuddle, he has given up after 5 mins when I would have been able to suffer listening for 10. But yes, martyr 😆🤦🏻‍♀️

Oh, martyr is a pretty constant insult on here. I just ignore it.

Good for you OP I wonder that anyone asks for advice on MN these days considering the nastiness you can attract - even a sleep deprived new mother! No advice really as I just got on with it and suffered the excruciating tiredness as I was exclusively bf and DH was not able to offer much assistance even if he woke up. Cosleeping helped me but it's not for everyone. This too will pass, I'm sure you're doing a good job. Are you part of a bf forum if bf? It might be a better place for support.

If you are both working (?), then you gotta split it - could you move into spare room on nights off?

And obviously tell him that this seriously seriously isn’t on. So what does he need to wake the fuck up on his nights?

@SomeonesRealName
Bf forum is great advice!!!!

If you don't want to split nights, would you consider one-night-on and one-night-off.
So every second night you know you could get a full nights sleep.,

What's the problem? Just let the baby cry it out and go back to sleep. He has no problem it is the op that actually has a problem.

What do you want OP? If your husband is a heavy sleeper and you are not the only solutions are either you wake up your husband when the baby cries or you leave your husband alone with the baby while you sleep elsewhere.

Such a difficult one as lack of sleep has such a huge impact on everyone. Do you have a routine for the baby OP? Would you consider gentle self soothing methods as the baby is 12 months?

I know there aren’t any solutions - that’s why it’s so flipping frustrating!

I wake up when the baby cries. DH doesn’t. I could wake DH to make it a bit fairer but then it’s a bit dog in the manger as I’m awake anyway. And then I can’t get back to sleep, which annoys me but I just can’t.

He's 12months old you need to do some sleep training. If by this stage they are persisting wakers it won't stop until you do something.

Speaking from experience, it isn't easy but it isn't good for the health and well being of anyone in a family to have such disrupted nights. Good luck.

Could your DH do bedtime while you get an early night? My partner has started doing this with my 14 month old DD and she's been waking less in the night too.
You have my sympathies though, last night DD just would not settle and I only got 3 hours sleep. I lost my shit at 4am and partner finally got out of bed to offer help while I slept. Only the second time he's done it. I spend a lot of time trying to negotiate splitting childcare with him so it's not for lack of trying. Often DD will just scream for me and it's easier to give in than punish everyone.

I'm glad everyone's ignoring Rangoon's nonsense - yeah sure, being up with a baby is a modern invention... not like those thousands of years of evolution where a baby slept in the cave next door 🤣

How often is he waking up OP? Have you ideas as to why? My DS is 17 months now and wakes on average twice a night. He has slept through a couple of times, but more recently was sleeping terribly with some back to back illness and teething. We ended up doing calpol at bedtime, and twice overnight as it was the only way he's resettle, was in too much pain to fall asleep otherwise. What do you think's going on?

Can't really help you with the sleeping husband problem if you don't want to wake him, and I struggle getting back to sleep too, but I do find that even if I'm awake if I'm still in bed I feel better in the morning than if I'd been doing all the wake ups

I think things probably were a lot more regimented with regard to babies once, but I’m not sure that’s a good thing. I don’t mind other people doing it if it works. Currently doing gentle sleep training. Not convinced it’s working but one can but try!

He's 12months old you need to do some sleep training. If by this stage they are persisting wakers it won't stop until you do something

Bollocks