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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of DH never getting up in the night?

87 replies

Abicr · 22/12/2021 01:09

Baby doesn’t sleep. Wakes and spend hours trying to get him back down. I’m on my knees with tiredness.

DH never wakes. Ever. Lies there snoring. I’m sick of it.

Don’t say wake him. There’s no point as I’m awake then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Abicr · 22/12/2021 09:37

To be honest, I’m not sure. He has only slept through a handful of times - he’s just a waker. He usually wakes 2-3 times but it can be difficult settling him back in the cot.

OP posts:
hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 22/12/2021 09:39

What’s his sleep like in the day?

Original poster
Abicr · 22/12/2021 09:42

Not bad at all, he is at nursery and has a couple of sleeps totalling around two hours.

OP posts:
SueSaid · 22/12/2021 10:04

'I think things probably were a lot more regimented with regard to babies once, but I’m not sure that’s a good thing. I don’t mind other people doing it if it works'

Doesn't have to be regimented but constant waking is often just a habit than needs breaking. As I said it affects the health and well being of everyone.

Maybe reduce the 2 hour sleeps during the day? If you want to carry on as you are though I'd buy some decent ear plugs and do a shift system with your dh. You go to sleep early say 8pm to get in a few hours before ds's first waking. Not ideal but neither is constant overnight disruption.

TheHungriestMama · 22/12/2021 10:08

Hmmm not sure what to advise and not sure if you want advise or just to have a bit of a vent and express frustration.

From about 10 months I made DH persevere with settling DD on a night. Took a good long while, as even though he'd been up for every night b.feed with me, she still wanted to cuddle me only. It took a good few weeks of her crying with him to learn that she could get comfort from DH without me being there. He now does most of the night settlings, maybe 70% It's been a long journey but well worth it as I'm confident if I go out that she will sleep well for him.

Bubblty · 22/12/2021 10:08

@JaniieJones

He's 12months old you need to do some sleep training. If by this stage they are persisting wakers it won't stop until you do something.

Speaking from experience, it isn't easy but it isn't good for the health and well being of anyone in a family to have such disrupted nights. Good luck.

You absolutely do not have to do this. It will settle down once baby gets through this leap and can self settle by themselves a bit more. It's hard for them to settle themselves when they are upset so don't leave them to cio.
Viviennemary · 22/12/2021 10:09

Do you both have to get up for work.

Original poster
Abicr · 22/12/2021 10:15

Yep. I have to be in work at around 8 Sad

OP posts:
GrendelsGrandma · 22/12/2021 10:16

You need to sleep train your husband. His body hears the baby and his brain goes 'I don't need to wake, DW will deal with it.'

If you take turns or divide the nights, then prod him to deal with it when it's his turn, his sleep habits will change and he'll hear the noise and wake up eventually.

There will be fewer wakings eventually, but there will be early mornings and the odd night waking for years and years. You can't just accept that it's all your job and lap it up.

SueSaid · 22/12/2021 10:17

'You absolutely do not have to do this. It will settle down once baby gets through this leap and can self settle by themselves a bit more. It's hard for them to settle themselves when they are upset so don't leave them to cio.'

Well it depends how much disruption in a family you think is ok. At 12 wks old, it is of course expected. Not by 12 months. Her ds is sleeping for 2hrs druing the day probably because he is so exhausted.

Doesn't have to be cio. For example not faffing on feeding, cuddling whatever can work. A pat and a shh shh can work, they are comforted they go to sleep. I know people who are up giving 1yr olds bottles at 2am. Crazy.

bonetiredwithtwins · 22/12/2021 10:18

To be honest no amount of advice is going to work as everyones lifestyles and husbands are different and so are the babies - you just have to find whatever works for you and it may not be what everyone else would do - my DH up for work at 430 so cant do nights with the twins - it is what it is - no point getting resentful. I work full time too but someone has to do it and being under age 1 they'll only really settle for me anyway as it's me they want and perhaps it a maternal thing that I wake to their smallest sound whereas DH doesn't. At this point my only advice is knuckle down and just get through - lots coffee, early nights ie get your sleep in before midnight - it will get better x

Aozora13 · 22/12/2021 10:24

I’m probably not much help as I’m in the same situation with a non-waking DH and just accepted mumsnet martyrdom. Mine were/are all breastfed until they slept through the night which was 16 months for DC2 and yeah working full time with the night wakes was tough. But waking up DH woke me up the point where I might as well have just got up and dealt with it. I also find it hard to get back to sleep so listen to audiobooks to help me drop off (can’t take silence as my thoughts get too loud).

By way of compromise, I got to sleep in at the weekend and he’d take the kids out so I could rest/nap. It wasn’t ideal but worked for us. And I’m currently still in bed with 3mo DC3 who has been partying all night!

RavenclawsRoar · 22/12/2021 10:25

If it's any consolation OP, my first was a terrible sleeper but by 2yo was sleeping 12 hours in his own room and that was with no sleep training or anything - in fact, I used to breastfeed and co-sleep with him, which according to mn means he should be sleeping in my bed til he's 18 Grin. Obviously sleep training can and does work if you want to try it, but it's certainly not a necessity and they do get there in the end just like with everything else.

Also I call bollocks on modern mothers being the problem - I remember even my great grandmother recalling how her youngest child had her up all night pretty much until she started school. And my grandmother often tells me how she used to rock her babies in the pram in the kitchen in the early hours so they wouldn't wake the rest of the house up. Babies are notoriously bad sleepers and some parents get lucky with good sleepers. That's all there is to it in my opinion (reinforced by the fact my second is great sleeper and I didn't do anything different with him!).

Camembear · 22/12/2021 10:30

Your husband doesn’t wake up when the baby cries because he knows deep down he doesn’t have to. If you start waking him up he will get used to it.

WouldIBeATwat · 22/12/2021 10:39

I was raised in exactly the same way - my parents along with most other parents of that generation - would not have dreamt of having a baby sleeping in their room if it was possible to avoid it. This up all night with the baby thing is to a large extent a modern invention.

What utter, utter bollocks. You can thank the Victorians for all the independent baby pressure. Babies in prams not being carried, in cots not in beds. They even outsourced breastfeeding wherever possible.

We are almost identical biologically to our cave-dwelling ancestors who absolutely did not put their newborns in separate caves from birth for fear of sabre toothed tigers and other predators. Close was safest and still is.

Namenic · 22/12/2021 10:44

Why don’t you sleep in a separate room from DH and baby from 9pm to midnight or 5am to 8am? Get some earplugs so you don’t hear. Then you get some sleep.

SueSaid · 22/12/2021 10:45

Our youngest was a terrible sleeper and dh never heard a thing (apparently), now they're teens and sleep non stop it's great but we have a dog that sometimes whines and is a pita overnight. I seriously never hear it but dh does and is often up at 3am doing garden visits with the dog Grin.

RandomMess · 22/12/2021 18:06
Thanks

I used to kick DH awake and I found it easier to get back to sleep if I hadn't n had to get up out of bed. Also I think he got used to knowing he was on duty and then woke more easily. He still used to get back to sleep before me though.

Perhaps your DH should share with DS some nights?

oKoK65 · 22/12/2021 19:13

@JaniieJones

Our youngest was a terrible sleeper and dh never heard a thing (apparently), now they're teens and sleep non stop it's great but we have a dog that sometimes whines and is a pita overnight. I seriously never hear it but dh does and is often up at 3am doing garden visits with the dog Grin.
Exactly the same here 🤣🤣
NewbieAlert · 22/12/2021 19:19

Currently doing gentle sleep training
What method are you trying?
Shush and pat had no effect on my DC whatsoever. I tried it for 2 weeks. In desperation changed to cry it out. Saw a massive improvement within the first few days.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 22/12/2021 19:22

@WouldIBeATwat

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Shebangshebong · 22/12/2021 19:26

I would unleash unholy hell on him. You sound like a martyr.

Original poster
Abicr · 22/12/2021 19:37

Totes.

OP posts:
VikingOnTheFridge · 22/12/2021 19:40

@GrendelsGrandma

You need to sleep train your husband. His body hears the baby and his brain goes 'I don't need to wake, DW will deal with it.'

If you take turns or divide the nights, then prod him to deal with it when it's his turn, his sleep habits will change and he'll hear the noise and wake up eventually.

There will be fewer wakings eventually, but there will be early mornings and the odd night waking for years and years. You can't just accept that it's all your job and lap it up.

Yep. All of this.
Stade197 · 22/12/2021 19:44

My baby used to wake every 2 hours for milk in the night, partner never woke up to it he would snore through it. I tried waking him a few times sometimes he didnt wake but when he did I couldnt sleep anyway, it just meant we were both tired in the mornings so imstead of dealing with a grumpy partner and a newborn i ended up just doing it all myself. Partner did let me go up to bed without baby or have a lay in on days of etc to get extra sleep if i needed but luckily at 4 months old baby finally sleeps 11pm-8am 🙌