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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL bought gift for husband but not me?

96 replies

Usuallyunreasonable · 21/12/2021 17:14

I will try to make this as short as possible but I’m feeling extremely hurt so not sure if emotions are running high!

DH and I have been together for 7+ years. We have numerous children. His parents are divorced (acrimoniously) and both are very complicated characters. Due to some behaviour of his mother, his father usually gets priority with regards to things like birthdays and christenings (although he usually doesn’t attend or leaves after 20 minutes etc). He uses money and gifts to show his feelings. Very odd but hey, that’s how he is…

He sees DH about 5 times a year and the children and me maybe once, occasionally twice. Anyway for the last 6-7 years I have always received a gift. This year I have received nothing. I also think he has blocked me on WhatsApp, which DH has casually mentioned and he has ignored. We have had 0 problems, no arguments. He has a somewhat meddlesome long term girlfriend but I always get her a gift and we have been messaging recently and everything is fine. The gift is something that’s 100% not a joint gift - was addressed just to DH and is something for a hobby of his.

AIBU to think this is very very rude and hurtful? I don’t understand it. I would never do this to my sister in law or father in law’s girlfriend or any other significant other. The worst thing is I can’t even really say anything about it because it sounds very whiny/spoilt “where’s my present?” foot stamping

I mean I don’t care about the present itself, but a token gift, surely? A tin of biscuits?! He’s very wealthy so money not the issue.

Ah, the joys of Christmas have begun…

OP posts:
Hunderland · 21/12/2021 17:24

Have your kids had anything from him? So is DH the only one to have had anything or are you the only one who hasn't?

Original poster
Usuallyunreasonable · 21/12/2021 17:33

They have; they always do. It’s just me left out. Feels like a real “fuck you”
And I’m not sure what I’ve done

OP posts:
Original poster
Usuallyunreasonable · 21/12/2021 17:34

It’s also pretty galling because I am the one behind all their gifts/cards/invitations etc - my husband is very self involved and would never bother

OP posts:
AmyDudley · 21/12/2021 17:43

That's very rude and unkind of him and given he has blocked you on whatsapp, it sounds deliberate. I think your DH needs to have a word and outright ask him why there is no gift for you and ask again why you have been blocked -maybe there is some perceive slight on his behalf you are unaware of, or there has been some kind of misunderstanding, or some other family member has said something to him. Who knows/ But unless your DH asks him and insists on an answer you never will know.
If he won't give a reason, then I would stop giving him presents and suggest from now on it is just presents for kids at Christmas.
Its very weird and controlling to use gift giving (or lack of it) as a kind of passive aggressive weapon. Try to make him be upfront if he has a problem - so it can be sorted.

Original poster
Usuallyunreasonable · 21/12/2021 17:46

As DH doesn’t see him very often he was only able to mention the blocking via WhatsApp (ironically) which is how it was ignored. I also casually mentioned to his gf I had sent him a video for them both to watch. She said “great, look forward to seeing it”, then nothing. They are not the type of people you can have a frank discussion with. Very squirrelly. DH will have to ask in person I suppose, if I’ve done something to offend him, but he’s quite scared of his father so I’m
not sure how that would go down. Maybe it’s because we are speaking to his mother currently, but then surely DH also wouldn’t have received a gift?!

It’s horrible to use gifts like this, I agree.

OP posts:
Original poster
Usuallyunreasonable · 21/12/2021 17:46

@AmyDudley

Makes me feel less crazy if someone else doesn’t think it’s ok!

OP posts:
wildseas · 21/12/2021 17:51

I appreciate that you're really hurt but I think that this could actually be a really good opportunity.

  • stop buying gifts for him and girlfriend. DH can do it if he wants
  • stop inviting him and girlfriend. DH can do it if he wants
  • stop contacting him and girlfriend. DH can do it if he wants

Spend the time and money you've saved on something you really actually want to do instead.

Original poster
Usuallyunreasonable · 21/12/2021 17:53

@wildseas

Yes I think I will do all of that! It’s not like they see the children anyway.

OP posts:
happychristmasbum · 21/12/2021 17:55

@Usuallyunreasonable

It’s also pretty galling because I am the one behind all their gifts/cards/invitations etc - my husband is very self involved and would never bother
Well there's your answer OP.

Just don't bother with them any more.

OneRuleForThem · 21/12/2021 17:55

What makes you think he has blocked you on WhatsApp?

Tbh as long as he gets gifts for your children then I think it’s all a bit silly. Stop buying presents for him and her and then it’s all sorted out.

Original poster
Usuallyunreasonable · 21/12/2021 18:04

I think he’s blocked me as everything I’ve sent (videos of the children etc) have received one tick. He has no photo and no seen online and is never online for me. Same number DH uses and gets 2 ticks and shows when he’s online.

I appreciate the children getting gifts is the main thing but it feels insulting, particularly with his history of using money as a weapon.

OP posts:
Original poster
Usuallyunreasonable · 21/12/2021 18:04

Do you think DH should ask re blocking/gift neither/one/both?

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 21/12/2021 18:06

@Usuallyunreasonable

It’s also pretty galling because I am the one behind all their gifts/cards/invitations etc - my husband is very self involved and would never bother
Perfect. From now on - remove yourself. If your husband wants to get him a gift - he sorts it out
happychristmasbum · 21/12/2021 18:06

Neither. Just leave it and move on.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/12/2021 18:06

@Usuallyunreasonable

Do you think DH should ask re blocking/gift neither/one/both?
Nope.

You just need to stop doing your DH's wife work and relax. Not your problem any more.

Original poster
Usuallyunreasonable · 21/12/2021 18:07

But you wouldn’t want to know why your father in law had blocked you on WhatsApp?

OP posts:
Original poster
Usuallyunreasonable · 21/12/2021 18:08

@MrsTerryPratchett

Like the relax part! Since DH definitely won’t bother buying them gifts maybe I get myself a gift 😆

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/12/2021 18:08

@Usuallyunreasonable

But you wouldn’t want to know why your father in law had blocked you on WhatsApp?
Nope. My FIL is difficult and I find the best approach is to not give even the tiniest of shites about it. Disengage entirely.

I suspect you have a need to be perceived as helpful and nice. I don't Grin

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/12/2021 18:09

[quote Usuallyunreasonable]@MrsTerryPratchett

Like the relax part! Since DH definitely won’t bother buying them gifts maybe I get myself a gift 😆[/quote]
Definitely. And not a tin of biscuits either!!!!

MissyB1 · 21/12/2021 18:09

They sound hard work, let your Dh do it all and step right back.
I did this with my In Laws and feel much better about it.

Bubblty · 21/12/2021 18:10

I'd just ignore from now on. Let DH bother with it all.

HollowTalk · 21/12/2021 18:11

@Usuallyunreasonable

It’s also pretty galling because I am the one behind all their gifts/cards/invitations etc - my husband is very self involved and would never bother
Well that would be coming to an abrupt end if it were me.
Original poster
Usuallyunreasonable · 21/12/2021 18:13

Ok sounds like IANBU! Thank you!

OP posts:
CoffeeMuggins · 21/12/2021 18:14

@Usuallyunreasonable

Do you think DH should ask re blocking/gift neither/one/both?
I do think your DH should ask his dad what he is playing at. Bit surprised at people saying he shouldn't. If my parent had done this to my DH I would be calling them out on it.
Original poster
Usuallyunreasonable · 21/12/2021 18:19

@CoffeeMuggins

I would ask my mother if she did either of these things to DH but then she would never just do that - if she had a problem she would say so. If she didn’t have a problem she wouldn’t behave that way. Tbh I still can’t imagine her doing either of those things even with a problem! He’s just such a complicated man though so I can’t imagine DH asking would go down well…

OP posts:
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