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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

FIL bought gift for husband but not me?

96 replies

Usuallyunreasonable · 21/12/2021 17:14

I will try to make this as short as possible but I’m feeling extremely hurt so not sure if emotions are running high!

DH and I have been together for 7+ years. We have numerous children. His parents are divorced (acrimoniously) and both are very complicated characters. Due to some behaviour of his mother, his father usually gets priority with regards to things like birthdays and christenings (although he usually doesn’t attend or leaves after 20 minutes etc). He uses money and gifts to show his feelings. Very odd but hey, that’s how he is…

He sees DH about 5 times a year and the children and me maybe once, occasionally twice. Anyway for the last 6-7 years I have always received a gift. This year I have received nothing. I also think he has blocked me on WhatsApp, which DH has casually mentioned and he has ignored. We have had 0 problems, no arguments. He has a somewhat meddlesome long term girlfriend but I always get her a gift and we have been messaging recently and everything is fine. The gift is something that’s 100% not a joint gift - was addressed just to DH and is something for a hobby of his.

AIBU to think this is very very rude and hurtful? I don’t understand it. I would never do this to my sister in law or father in law’s girlfriend or any other significant other. The worst thing is I can’t even really say anything about it because it sounds very whiny/spoilt “where’s my present?” foot stamping

I mean I don’t care about the present itself, but a token gift, surely? A tin of biscuits?! He’s very wealthy so money not the issue.

Ah, the joys of Christmas have begun…

OP posts:

alittlequinnie · 22/12/2021 09:19

I've not read the whole thread but this exact same thing happened to me.

My father in law used to give us money as presents - he used to hand a cheque to you but then later started to do money transfers.

I remember the last cheque I got and telling him what I had bought and saying thank you etc...

Then when the money transfers started he just started to send them to my husband but only enough for my husband.

I too thought it was odd - no arguments, nothing - always sent him a gift, emailed him - used to cook him food and take it down to him - take him out for meals etc.

Then after about 10 years he mentioned birthday money in front of me and husband - I said "oh yes - how come you only send husband money?"

Turned out that apparently I never said "thank you" - but I didn't know I was even getting any money after that last cheque and I definitely said thank you for that.

Also he said he had always sent Christmas money - but husband hadn't passed that on to me.

If he was so annoyed that I hadn't said thank you for birthday money - why was he sending Christmas money? I was baffled by all of it.

It was really upsetting and I just stopped bothering completely after that.

The whole thing was clearly some sort of misunderstanding - and I just couldn't be arsed with it!

JuneOsborne · 22/12/2021 09:24

Why are you worried about it escalating? He's the one that's dropped the bomb!

Original poster

Usuallyunreasonable · 22/12/2021 09:32

@alittlequinnie

That’s very interesting. I have always, always said thank you. Very big into thank you and thank you cards etc. Ironically, THEY never say thank you for their fucking gifts as they are always in holiday over Christmas, come back, open them snd say fuck all. Also part of why I’m happy to say to DH I’m not bothering. This year we are sending flowers to the hotel because I’m not picking gifts anymore (snd the flowers are arranged by me as DH can’t be bothered).

@JuneOsborne

I don’t want to be the one causing the problem with a very difficult man though. I know it’s his fault technically but by DH raising it it somehow becomes mine. I think his reticence in raising it is contributing to me feeling like this. I don’t want to force him, I just think it’s a normal thing to be able to raise. I don’t really want to engage in silly buggers for the next several years I would rather know if there’s a problem!

OP posts:

treesandweeds · 22/12/2021 09:37

Why on earth do you care? You need to have a look at yourself. You do all the running around and nagging at your dh for him to look good to his parents and then you get nothing back. You need to disengage, stop wasting your time, energy and emotions on someone who does not care about you or like you.

JuneOsborne · 22/12/2021 09:45

I don't see it like that at all though. He's the one causing a problem. And by accepting it, you're (all of you) allowing him to treat you badly. He's clearly a man you're all frightened of and his bullying behaviour keeps you all in your place.

If he didnt want silly buggers for years, he'd have sent a gift for you and not blocked you! He's the one that's caused the problem, not you!

ImperfectAlf · 22/12/2021 10:16

A couple of years ago, I went grey rock with mil and sil. (Mil had been really nasty over the death of my mum and it was the last straw.)

Anyway, this year, I have not had to sort out presents, cards, visits or anything. I’ve left it to DH. I don’t even know if he has done it. Don’t care a jot.

It’s liberating.I’d recommend it.

DisforDarkChocolate · 22/12/2021 10:17

Well in that case leave your self involved husband to deal with his self involved father and your life will be a lot less stressful for you.

SoItWas · 22/12/2021 10:19

"It’s also pretty galling because I am the one behind all their gifts/cards/invitations etc - my husband is very self involved and would never bother"

Don't put yourself out like this again. If he doesn't bother next year; you can explain that you've been sorting his presents for years, and thought it was time he stepped up. If he doesn't, not your problem

Crepusculum · 22/12/2021 10:28

You're not the one causing problems with a very difficult man. He's just a very difficult man and I would definitely take this as a clear sign to completely drop the rope with him, even before he attempts to justify his childish and spiteful actions to his son. He really doesn't sound like he's worth the bother to include in your life. Your DH knows him best and if he can't be bothered to organise gifts and invitations then that says it all.

Squeezita · 22/12/2021 10:37

This year we are sending flowers to the hotel because I’m not picking gifts anymore (snd the flowers are arranged by me as DH can’t be bothered).

Is it too late to cancel? I would.

Theunamedcat · 22/12/2021 11:08

Cancel the flowers or redirect them to someone who would appreciate them

SheWolfOFFrancee · 22/12/2021 11:13

@ImperfectAlf

A couple of years ago, I went grey rock with mil and sil. (Mil had been really nasty over the death of my mum and it was the last straw.)

Anyway, this year, I have not had to sort out presents, cards, visits or anything. I’ve left it to DH. I don’t even know if he has done it. Don’t care a jot.

It’s liberating.I’d recommend it.

This! Honestly it’s the best most liberating thing you can do.

Heartofglass12345 · 22/12/2021 12:03

Why are there so many women buying presents and organising things for their in laws? Seriously how did your partners manage before they met you??

oviraptor21 · 22/12/2021 12:14

Redirect the flowers to you as a symbol of your relinquishing the responsibility, the stress and the headspace.
If your DH still wants to send a gift he has time to do this himself.

QuestionNumberOne · 22/12/2021 12:25

Cancel the flowers is the new cancel the cheque

But do, OP. Cancel them.

Original poster

Usuallyunreasonable · 22/12/2021 14:26

Cancel the flowers is the new cancel the cheque

😆

DH will attempt a casual chat with his father today. I agree father is a bully. DH very open to cancelling the flowers!

OP posts:

treesandweeds · 23/12/2021 14:36

But did DH send the flowers? If not, why did you? Stop bothering! You have a DH problem as well as an in law's problem

Original poster

Usuallyunreasonable · 23/12/2021 17:54

Just wanted to update everyone that DH asked his father if I was blocked on WhatsApp. FIL feigned amazement and suggested I try sending something else to him on WhatsApp “within 24 hours”. Lo and behold I’m not blocked anymore…

OP posts:

AdoptDontShop · 23/12/2021 18:02

I’d just see it as a blessed relief and let your DH deal with them. Win win.

billy1966 · 23/12/2021 19:03

@wildseas

I appreciate that you're really hurt but I think that this could actually be a really good opportunity.

stop buying gifts for him and girlfriend. DH can do it if he wants
stop inviting him and girlfriend. DH can do it if he wants
stop contacting him and girlfriend. DH can do it if he wants

Spend the time and money you've saved on something you really actually want to do instead.

This is excellent advice.

Just do it.
Don't say a word about doing it.
Just do it.

Let your FIL deal with HiS son.

Kite22 · 23/12/2021 21:40

@Usuallyunreasonable

and what did he say about the fact he had not left a present for you ?

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