FIL bought gift for husband but not me?

[Usuallyunreasonable]

I will try to make this as short as possible but I’m feeling extremely hurt so not sure if emotions are running high!

DH and I have been together for 7+ years. We have numerous children. His parents are divorced (acrimoniously) and both are very complicated characters. Due to some behaviour of his mother, his father usually gets priority with regards to things like birthdays and christenings (although he usually doesn’t attend or leaves after 20 minutes etc). He uses money and gifts to show his feelings. Very odd but hey, that’s how he is…

He sees DH about 5 times a year and the children and me maybe once, occasionally twice. Anyway for the last 6-7 years I have always received a gift. This year I have received nothing. I also think he has blocked me on WhatsApp, which DH has casually mentioned and he has ignored. We have had 0 problems, no arguments. He has a somewhat meddlesome long term girlfriend but I always get her a gift and we have been messaging recently and everything is fine. The gift is something that’s 100% not a joint gift - was addressed just to DH and is something for a hobby of his.

AIBU to think this is very very rude and hurtful? I don’t understand it. I would never do this to my sister in law or father in law’s girlfriend or any other significant other. The worst thing is I can’t even really say anything about it because it sounds very whiny/spoilt “where’s my present?” foot stamping

I mean I don’t care about the present itself, but a token gift, surely? A tin of biscuits?! He’s very wealthy so money not the issue.

Ah, the joys of Christmas have begun…

For years my MIL has only bought for her children and grand children - no falling out, no problems.

I ask DH what he's going to buy in laws but don't get too involved- his sisters usually sort anyway.

She always sends me a birthday card, anniversary card - it's just Christmas.
It's just what it is. Try not to get upset about it - and leave it to DH in the future.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas

If I was your DH I’d send a non-accusatory text saying ‘OP tried to message you but her text didn’t send, is your phone playing up?’ Or something similar

He did that. FIL totally ignored and replied about something else!

@crispsinasandwich

I suppose the difference is he has always bought me gifts! So this feels like a definite snub.

@Usuallyunreasonable

It’s also pretty galling because I am the one behind all their gifts/cards/invitations etc - my husband is very self involved and would never bother

I'd stop doing that immediately

He did that. FIL totally ignored and replied about something else!

I would ask again then and ask him on the phone or face to face if he ignoring the question.
I would need to know why my parent has blocked my wife.

Yes it is not ok. Your dh really needs to bat for you here. Is he scared of being disinherited or something along those lines as he should be supporting you more.

@BringMeTea

He has suffered a lot being in the middle of both parents during the horrible, protracted divorce. As a result he’s extremely conflict adverse and quite emotionally scared of both parents. His father is also known to immediately turn quite nasty if he isn’t happy with how he’s treated.

But yes, I do think worth risking the wrath to find out what’s going on.

Have asked DH to call him…

Just bow out op. Leave everything to dh.
What a twat.

[quote Usuallyunreasonable]@BungleandGeorge

Gifts were all hand delivered today[/quote]
I’m just saying I’ve had the same scenario and something has then arrived later and I’ve been very glad I didn’t say anything!

@BungleandGeorge

Ok I appreciate that! It’s a good point. I think coupled with the blocking it’s v unlikely. Plus if DH asks casually now then there’s still time
for FIL to either admit there’s a problem or send a last minute token gift

Great. Hope you get some straight answers.

[quote Usuallyunreasonable]@crispsinasandwich

I suppose the difference is he has always bought me gifts! So this feels like a definite snub.[/quote]
At least you know where you stand now.

I hope you are able to feel better about the situation and view it as his problem and not yours

Sorry - sent too soon

I hope you are able to enjoy your Christmas x

Yes agree if your other half casually mentions it you can avoid any embarrassment! All a bit strange isn’t it, that’s in laws for you!

I'm glad you've asked your dh to ask him.
By saying he noticed there wasn't one for you, it is non-confrontational and puts the onus on his father to specifically state "that's right" or whatever, and then your dh has to say "why not?" then everyone knows where they stand. It leaves the door open for the remotest of remote possibilities that it fell out of the box in the boot of the car or is being delivered late.
Depending on your FiL's response, then I hope dh also brings up the question about WhatsApp again - saying he noticed he hadn't answered the question about his phone / Whatsapp messages either.

[quote Usuallyunreasonable]@justasking111

I absolutely think the gf is behind it
But also he is a grown man and ultimately responsible for his actions.[/quote]
She wants the ring the money the lot so needs to cut you out of his life. Remind s me of the Xmas song by Eartha Kitt Santa Baby. Listen to the lyrics

He doesn't sound like a very nice man so I wouldn't engage any further.

Take a step back and let your DH communicate with him going forward and it's now your DH's responsibility to arrange gifts for his Dad and Step mum. I wouldn't give it another thought.

Less stress for you.

FIL was busy and will call back. Guess it’s getting late so maybe tomorrow. Bit worried this is going to escalate

Well if you're feeling naughty you could say you'd heard he's getting married so congratulations . 👺😄

@justasking111

I’m not sure what that would achieve, funny though it might be

You're worried this is going to escalate...

Your DH should be the cross one here. Mine would be. Why isn't he?

You're not going to achieve much here even if FIL listens to DH.

I think FIL is showing his true character, happy for him and his gf to receive presents you've chosen for them but happy to exclude you . So the natural consequence is that he and his gf get no more presents chosen by you, leave it to DH, don't remind him and DH can grab him and gf a box of chocolates or flowers whatever crap last minute generic present that he gets.

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor

He says he is but he is, honestly, I think just a bit scared and doesn’t want to have a difficult conversation. He’s a good man but reverts to a child re both parents

He needs to step away from fil, just what does he get from this relationship? I get he is his dad yadda yadda but as a grown up you don't need to take shit like you did as a child