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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL bought gift for husband but not me?

96 replies

Usuallyunreasonable · 21/12/2021 17:14

I will try to make this as short as possible but I’m feeling extremely hurt so not sure if emotions are running high!

DH and I have been together for 7+ years. We have numerous children. His parents are divorced (acrimoniously) and both are very complicated characters. Due to some behaviour of his mother, his father usually gets priority with regards to things like birthdays and christenings (although he usually doesn’t attend or leaves after 20 minutes etc). He uses money and gifts to show his feelings. Very odd but hey, that’s how he is…

He sees DH about 5 times a year and the children and me maybe once, occasionally twice. Anyway for the last 6-7 years I have always received a gift. This year I have received nothing. I also think he has blocked me on WhatsApp, which DH has casually mentioned and he has ignored. We have had 0 problems, no arguments. He has a somewhat meddlesome long term girlfriend but I always get her a gift and we have been messaging recently and everything is fine. The gift is something that’s 100% not a joint gift - was addressed just to DH and is something for a hobby of his.

AIBU to think this is very very rude and hurtful? I don’t understand it. I would never do this to my sister in law or father in law’s girlfriend or any other significant other. The worst thing is I can’t even really say anything about it because it sounds very whiny/spoilt “where’s my present?” foot stamping

I mean I don’t care about the present itself, but a token gift, surely? A tin of biscuits?! He’s very wealthy so money not the issue.

Ah, the joys of Christmas have begun…

OP posts:
CoffeeMuggins · 21/12/2021 18:25

[quote Usuallyunreasonable]@CoffeeMuggins

I would ask my mother if she did either of these things to DH but then she would never just do that - if she had a problem she would say so. If she didn’t have a problem she wouldn’t behave that way. Tbh I still can’t imagine her doing either of those things even with a problem! He’s just such a complicated man though so I can’t imagine DH asking would go down well…[/quote]
I know I am lucky to have a somewhat normal family but I just really struggle to put myself in a situation where this is acceptable. I love my mum but if she treated my husband the way your husbands dad is treating you, without reason it would seem, I would basically tell her it was nice knowing her but I won't have someone in my life who treats the most important person to me badly. I just wouldn't have it.

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 21/12/2021 18:27

Absolutely stop buying gifts.
Unless you think something is coming in the post??

Original poster
Usuallyunreasonable · 21/12/2021 18:28

@Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas

Nothing is coming in the post. Everything was dropped off in person at the door today.

OP posts:
Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 21/12/2021 18:28

Same ^^ I would not allow it either.
I'd return the gift

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 21/12/2021 18:30

I think your dh needs to say "there isn't a gift for x," because it might be genuine forgotten.

Then see what they say.

LittleRoundRobin · 21/12/2021 18:32

@Usuallyunreasonable Of COURSE YANBU. But why is your DH not confronting his father? Why is he not fighting your corner? If my DH's mom or dad had purposely excluded me, (and only bought HIM a gift,) he would have returned the gift, told them to shove it, and DEMANDED to know what the fuck they were playing at. Why is your husband not defending you?

Original poster
Usuallyunreasonable · 21/12/2021 18:39

@LittleRoundRobin

He would if I asked him to, but I don’t feel great about potentially unleashing Armageddon. Honestly it could go v v v badly.

I think your dh needs to say "there isn't a gift for x," because it might be genuine forgotten

@Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas this is not a bad idea at all but I’m worried about it also going down badly.

OP posts:
BitterTits · 21/12/2021 18:39

@Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas

I think your dh needs to say "there isn't a gift for x," because it might be genuine forgotten.

Then see what they say.

Yes this - it raises the issue directly without going on the offensive. If it's deliberate, no more for them from you. My BIL and his wife stopped bothering with us and our DCs a few years ago. I found it really hurtful at first, but eventually stopped buying for them. They have zero interest in us anyway, so it was only ever a token gesture.
GatoradeMeBitch · 21/12/2021 18:43

It’s also pretty galling because I am the one behind all their gifts/cards/invitations etc - my husband is very self involved and would never bother

Well there's a bright side then. This was your last year to do that.

Don't ask. Though it surprises me that your DH didn't ask. Maybe consider building more of a relationship with your MIL instead.

PegasusReturns · 21/12/2021 18:46

Of course your DH needs to ask why your FIL has blocked you Confused

It’s a terribly rude thing to do and unless there’s an explanation - and I can’t begin to imagine what it might be - then in your circumstances I would expect my DH to stand up and support me.

BungleandGeorge · 21/12/2021 18:49

It’s not Christmas yet? I’ve had it several times where nothing has arrived for one person and it’s because it’s in the post/ not arrived with them yet. You need to wait until after Christmas to say anything.

Original poster
Usuallyunreasonable · 21/12/2021 18:49

Maybe consider building more of a relationship with your MIL instead

She has her own issues/I wouldn’t build a relationship with her just to spite FIL. But certainly she can have first refusal of the next event because I won’t be extending any invitations to FIL if this is the thing.

Will suggest DH asking his father about the “missing gift”, see what he says

OP posts:
Original poster
Usuallyunreasonable · 21/12/2021 18:49

@BungleandGeorge

Gifts were all hand delivered today

OP posts:
WomanStanleyWoman · 21/12/2021 18:49

I’d want to know why I’d been blocked. That would annoy me more than the (lack of) gifts.

As others have said, at least you no longer have to worry about having to run around buying gifts for them or reminding your husband to send cards. They can whistle for it.

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 21/12/2021 18:50

I really think your dh needs to ask. It's them that needs to be embarrassed not you.
In ye olden days we wouldn't have asked either but that was wrong.

Your dh needs to call up and simply innocently ask. By not asking is playing into the their games you see.

He just needs to say.. Thanks for dropping off the gifts but there is wasn't on for x, just to let you kmow! "because of course he's not expecting you at all not to actually be left out your all thinking its an innocent mistake.

So ask and let them stew!!

Original poster
Usuallyunreasonable · 21/12/2021 18:54

@WomanStanleyWoman

The blocking does bother me more - this is just another inexplicable slap in the face!

OP posts:
Original poster
Usuallyunreasonable · 21/12/2021 18:59

Have just had a thought that DH’s birthday was a month ago so I suppose FIL could always say that the gift was for the birthday, not Christmas. That way I don’t look deliberately left out as much… sort of game playing thing he would do

OP posts:
Squeezita · 21/12/2021 19:04

@wildseas

I appreciate that you're really hurt but I think that this could actually be a really good opportunity.
  • stop buying gifts for him and girlfriend. DH can do it if he wants
  • stop inviting him and girlfriend. DH can do it if he wants
  • stop contacting him and girlfriend. DH can do it if he wants

Spend the time and money you've saved on something you really actually want to do instead.

I agree with this approach. Glad you've decided to do this.

I expect he thinks the gifts to him and his girlfriend will still keep coming, facilitated by you. Hmm

justasking111 · 21/12/2021 19:05

The long term girlfriend is behind this, she's trying to drive a wedge between your family and the FIL.

Don't rise to it, smile graciously like the Duchess of Cambridge and the Queen kill 'em with charm she'll have to show her hand then.

Squeezita · 21/12/2021 19:08

@justasking111

The long term girlfriend is behind this, she's trying to drive a wedge between your family and the FIL.

Don't rise to it, smile graciously like the Duchess of Cambridge and the Queen kill 'em with charm she'll have to show her hand then.

So this man has a history of using money and gifts to show his feelings and has always been like this, and yet it's a woman's fault? Hmm
Original poster
Usuallyunreasonable · 21/12/2021 19:08

@justasking111

I absolutely think the gf is behind it
But also he is a grown man and ultimately responsible for his actions.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 21/12/2021 19:12

@Usuallyunreasonable

It’s also pretty galling because I am the one behind all their gifts/cards/invitations etc - my husband is very self involved and would never bother
Well, I would suggest your DH asks why you haven't had one.

And whether he bothers to buy for them or not, I suggest you stop

WonderfulYou · 21/12/2021 19:13

YANBU!!

Although the gift is selfish of him I would be more concerned about being blocked.

If I was your DH I’d send a non-accusatory text saying ‘OP tried to message you but her text didn’t send, is your phone playing up?’ Or something similar.

Unsure33 · 21/12/2021 19:14

It is very hurtful. But I agree all future cards and presents are up to your DH now .

Mooloolabababy · 21/12/2021 19:16

Yep, definitely step away from the card and gift giving in future, I wouldn't even remind dh to remember fils gifts either.