AIBU to not send an itemised list of everything dc being with them for contact with dad?

[BewareTheRedNosedDragon]

3 DC going to spend 5 days with dad over Xmas - first overnight for years. He has asked for an itemised list of everything they are each bringing. I don't particularly want to do this.
AIBU or is he?

Then the simplest solution is for him to make the list if he's so worried he can't get it all back!

My eldest may or may not be going for his first overnight (he's not sure he wants to) - I will send him with everything, even though to my mind, if ex wants to encourage DS to come, he needs to make a bit of an effort to think of ex's house as a place DS is meant to be, rather than just a guest. If ex asked for a list, then I would tell him right where to get off, and send the kids with the bare minimum for their comfort.

Of course as much of an utter bastard as my ex is, he's too lazy to be bothered to play games like this thank god. If he ever started, then boundaries would be key.

@NdujaWannaDance

Clearly you haven’t had dealings with abusive ex’s, this is a very clear example of the OPs ex trying to control her.

Or it could be his way of avoiding a situation where he's accused of stealing his children's stuff?

Then all he needs to do is make his own list on arrival, send to OP & say 'hi this is what the kids have brought & I'll be returning, OK?' & he'd be putting the onus fairly on OP to say 'well actually I also packed them each 3 pairs of Gucci pyjamas & a tiara.'

Some xh/xps are perfectly sensible parents. Some just CBA doing list type drudge work because they see it as mumwork. & some, frankly, like to make their xw/xp dance about for their entertainment.

I imagine OP knows which sort she divorced, tbh...

@Morechocolatethanbarbara

Aside from their favourite teddy/their phone, depending on age, surely their DDads house is their 2nd home, so they shouldn't need to take clothes, pjs, toothbrushes etc as he will have all those for them.

So wouldn't the list read something like:
Clothes they're wearing plus favourite ted?

This. They need to use the things that he provides for them when they are at his house.

@RobinPenguins

1. Slime

1. The spikiest pieces of Lego you can find
2. Enough toothpaste for one night only
3. Something really noisy with no headphones

Etc
Etc.

God he sounds exhausting.

This.

And ALL THE GLITTER

And ALL THE GLITTER

Play dough/plasticine as well if he has any carpets or rugs.

@ChubbyMorticia

I remember hearing a judge very firmly telling a father that HE was responsible for everything his child needed during visitation. Diapers, clothes, EVERYTHING, and that he was instructing the mother that the only thing she was to supply for his access time was the child, and the clothes they were wearing.

I'm always surprised when I hear of custodial parents having to pack for their kids as a result.

I'd tell him you have friends with visitation orders like this and you think it's a perfectly reasonable idea. Starting now.

OP I hope you will have a nice relaxed Christmas albeit strange without your DCs.
Honestly so many fathers just don’t deserve their precious children.

Good luck with this OP. Hang in there.

My x never bothered with bedding for his girl's fortnightly overnight stays. I had to send them with air bed, duvet, pillows and clean linen It dwindled to monthly and then quarterly and then faded out altogether within 2 or 3 years anyway.

Yes he should have bought the stuff, but you do it because you want your kids to feel comfy and loved even if they are going to their prick of a dad's house a place which isn't particularly comfy or caring.

Bide your time OP. They reach a certain age, put 2 + 2 together and realise what a thoughtless selfish twat their biological father is all by themselves and then they won't be arsed with him. You don't need to say anything. DD1 learned really early, mid teens. DD2 and 3 took till early 20s.

Result = he's an afterthought and a bit of a figure of amusement to us. Eldest DD hasn't spoken to him in 4 years. The others; 2 years. It's all he deserves.

Do they even want to go?

How old are the children?
I'd do it or get them to do it.
Not to help him , but from years of my child's stuff not coming back 🙄

I genuinely don't understand this! If you've taken your childrens stuff to their Dad's house, it's hardly not coming back or getting lost. It's still theirs - just at their dad's house?! Does it matter if they're going regularly which house they use which tshirt in?!

Please please send with them the extra special bag with legos, slime, glitter, kinetic sand, jacks, playdough, kazoos!

Don't know if you have access to a printer but photograph their things and print it out to send with them.

What a monumental arse.

One good thing, you are no longer married to this toad. Congratulations!

@FlowersFlowersEverywhere

Send him a picture message and an email that says ‘you’re a twat’ and see if he replies angrily - thus proving he can in fact access them

Rofl 🤣

OP please put loads of tiny things in their cases - Lego Batman, finger torch, key ring - all the sort of junk that little ones have - put tonnes of it in then write him a big massive long list.

Him not returning everything is far more likely to be because a child dropped it down the back of sofa/radiator/left it under the bed, or it accidentally got put in the washing machine and forgotten about when it was time to pack up.

You have no basis at all for this assumption.

I'd be writing a list and taking a picture to make sure I got the stuff I bought back.

Just have a piece of paper by each bag and write down things as you put them in. It doesn't need to be complicated just 3 tshirts, 2 trousers, 1 jeans, 1 teddy etc One list for each bag. Take a photo of the final list for you and put the list in the bag.

Don't do descriptions like colour etc he can add those when he unpacks if he likes When he collects the children them tell him the lists are in each bag.

That way when stuff comes back, you will also have a list to check if anything is missing

@Cindie943811A

OP I hope you will have a nice relaxed Christmas albeit strange without your DCs. Honestly so many fathers just don’t deserve their precious children.

Thanks - I hope I will, though I won't be completely child free as eldest won't go to see his dad. We're having steak and chips on Xmas day and I'm very much looking forward to it

Thing is - the older ones pack for themselves. They are young 10, still Y5, but using it as an independence/taking responsibility exercise is a good plan for them. 7yo is capable of losing something in an empty room so definitely not ready for being responsible for her own stuff sadly.

I would never tell ex he had stolen his dc stuff. I didn't even say anything to him when he revealed to the youngest that her favourite toy, which we thought had been lost out and about and was gone forever, which she was devastated about and he knew this, had actually been at his house and sleeping in his bed with him for over a year. He kept it to comfort himself because he wasn't seeing them (due to his own neglect and subsequent inaction). He really is a thundercunt, but I am incredibly careful not to let him see if he has upset me at all because I know that would just spur him on. He is like an aggressive child looking for a reaction and then blaming anyone who gives him one.

Surely if he is that keen on an itemised list he can prepare that for himself when they arrive, and before they unpack?

Yep, this.

My ex used to insist that the cm he gave me was for me to go shopping and ensure both our homes were fully kitted out (clothes, toys, coats etc) for our child.
I got £74 a month from him.

Hope you enjoy your steak and chips on Christmas Day, sounds lovely 😊

If I were in this situation, I would write the list, itemised to the Nth degree, and print out 2 copies. I would give 1 copy to him when I handed the kids over & keep the other one.

Then when you go to collect the kids whip out your copy & go through it item by item in front of him, ostentatiously ticking off every item.

"3 tshirts - check"
"1 toothbrush - check"
"1 face flannel - check"
"76 items of Lego - sorry, I can only count 73 here, where's the other 3 pieces?"

If you want to really go to town on being passive aggressive, measure how much is in a consumable e.g. 6cm remaining in a shampoo bottle then measure it again before taking them home. I doubt he'll demand an itemised list again.

I like the glitter and slime ideas, but would add some of those really crappy window pens that take a decade to scrub off and suggest to dc they decorate Daddy’s windows for Christmas and also some silly string in festive colours for playing tag in the house

My kids were encouraged to pack their own stuff to go on cub/brownie camp, which included making and then crossing off a list. Give them the essentials then let them go from there.

Result = he's an afterthought and a bit of a figure of amusement to us. Eldest DD hasn't spoken to him in 4 years. The others; 2 years. It's all he deserves.

Same here, @Laiste.

I don't understand how these men think it'll end otherwise, behaving like arseholes while their own DC (a) witness it, (b) experience it, (c) grow up and get to choose whether they walk away or not.