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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not send an itemised list of everything dc being with them for contact with dad?

104 replies

BewareTheRedNosedDragon · 21/12/2021 12:38

3 DC going to spend 5 days with dad over Xmas - first overnight for years. He has asked for an itemised list of everything they are each bringing. I don't particularly want to do this.
AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
Original poster
BewareTheRedNosedDragon · 21/12/2021 13:08

Tbh - if he's not going to return stuff he just won't list or not. So he can do it.

OP posts:
Jossbow · 21/12/2021 13:10

I'd do it,
3 CLEAN prs socks
3 CLEAN Prs pants
3 CLEAN T shirts
2 Prs CLEAN Jeans

etc etc

and finish the message ''Please send back same''

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 21/12/2021 13:11

He can do his own drudge work. When they arrive he can stand there with his own checklist and make them show him everything they’ve brought.

RobinPenguins · 21/12/2021 13:11
  1. Slime
  2. The spikiest pieces of Lego you can find
  3. Enough toothpaste for one night only
  4. Something really noisy with no headphones

Etc
Etc.

God he sounds exhausting.

mumberry84 · 21/12/2021 13:18

What is the list for?

AuditAngel · 21/12/2021 13:18

I would take photos of what you send, then check what is returned and you can query. Much quicker than a list. He can photo on opening.

No listing needed

Kbyodjs · 21/12/2021 13:20

Send them with whatever toy they want to take and be done with it; you can always send a message after with a list of the toy they’ve taken just to rub it in. I think by sending clothes and pjs etc you’re enabling him and he’d have to sort it out if they arrive with nothing

LittleMysSister · 21/12/2021 13:22

@BewareTheRedNosedDragon

Tbh - if he's not going to return stuff he just won't list or not. So he can do it.
What is his reason for wanting the list though?

I'd just be worried some of their favourite toys or clothes would be forgotten, which is the only reason I can think someone would ask for a list.

It does sound totally over the top but can't see any other reason why he'd ask.

LittleMysSister · 21/12/2021 13:24

Like, it doesn't impact him if things get left with him surely? So the only people benefitting from the list are the kids and yourself as you'll be dealing with the fallout when they realise they've forgotten something important to them.

MonkeyPuddle · 21/12/2021 13:27

Nah fuck that with baubles on. It’s control. What does it matter if he wants a list. He can write one when he unpacks.
Lazy arsed fucker should supply everything those kids need when they’re with him, but controlling arseholes know they can push it as the decent parent won’t see their child go without to score petty points.

Original poster
BewareTheRedNosedDragon · 21/12/2021 13:29

Well - during daytime contact that they've had more recently favourite toys have been left on occasion and he has then had to post them back (as he only sees them once a month), but tbh I think his reason is wanting to be difficult and give me time consuming pointless tasks. He looks for every opportunity to manipulate and control me.

I know which special toys are going, and will be collecting them again so will make sure special toys return. If any pieces of clothing get left them it would be annoying but not the end of the world. I will photo for my own ref. That is a good idea.

OP posts:
EMotion · 21/12/2021 13:29

Hope you told him you won’t be sending sheets, blankets, pillows, towels, etc. !

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 21/12/2021 13:30

Is this court directed time with father? Would social services need to know he has no bedding?

Butchyrestingface · 21/12/2021 13:30

He says he cannot open emails either 🙄🙄🙄

No wonder you left him.

Original poster
BewareTheRedNosedDragon · 21/12/2021 13:30

I have just said I won't be sending bedding. I'm a bit gobsmacked that he'd ask - even for him that is insane.

OP posts:
Original poster
BewareTheRedNosedDragon · 21/12/2021 13:30

It is court ordered, yes.

OP posts:
NandorTheRelentless · 21/12/2021 13:31

Tell him you packed it....

Original poster
BewareTheRedNosedDragon · 21/12/2021 13:31

If he actually doesn't provide bedding the SS will become aware since they are currently involved - yes.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 21/12/2021 13:31

@ImperfectTents

No but as a compromise you could take a photo
Even better, tell him you photo-recorded everything but don't send him a copy.

Suggest he does the same himself. The useless twat.

NameChangeCity123 · 21/12/2021 13:36

@BewareTheRedNosedDragon

He can't receive picture messages.

I've just thought - surely he could make his own list when they arrive if he isnt confident that stuff will be repacked at the end?

This. If he wants the list, he can make it himself.
HumourReplacementTherapy · 21/12/2021 13:37

Poor kids Sad
What an aresehole. He wanted the contact but can't actually be arsed to provide bedding?

Ariela · 21/12/2021 13:40

At 10 years old, I would suggest the responsibility could be with the child to ensure they pack all they need and bring back all the things they took - or go without till next visit. They are 10 and will have to do their own planning for school when in secondary, ie what they need to take in each day which can get quite complicated with fortnightly lesson timetable. So it could be useful practise. You could get them to write their own list or take a photo on their own phone. Even the 7 year old if one of mine could do it (with help from the other two perhaps?). Teach them a bit of independence and responsibility for their own things. Nothing worse than first week of term school sports kit goes AWOL...

SpindleWhirling · 21/12/2021 13:42

The 10 year olds are just about old enough, fortunately, to check anything precious to them is back in their bags when they come to leave.

My ExH and his girlfriend used to make my DC, upon arrival, take off their clean clothes, dress in clothes provided by them and which had to stay in their flat, and would then wash the clothes they arrived in in a boil wash with detergent which aggravated DD's eczema. These clothes were then put back on to the DC before they left.

You can't deal with people like that. You just survive it for so many years and then in the end the DC vote with their feet and tell daddy dearest and the latest mental girlfriend to fuck off.

Absolutely it's about control and it's bloody horrible while it's happening.

caringcarer · 21/12/2021 13:43

When they arrive, he can make an itemised list for himself. He is just being lazy. Can he not write himself?

CorvusPurpureus · 21/12/2021 13:43

I had a bit of this.

Peremptory emails asking me to ensure the dc had 'smart clothes suited for a photo shoot', 'walking boots' or 'costumes for World Book Day'.

Plus an itemised list (which he would critique on arrival & ignore on departure, if he'd taken a fancy to keeping something, or couldn't be arsed, or just fancied yanking my chain a bit by making me ask him to return brand new trainers or an entire PE kit or an expensive coat or a beloved Teddy...).

It didn't take me very long at all to wise up - I took to saving everything slightly outgrown or tatty for visits, so if it never returned, I'd been saved a trip to the charity shop or recycling bin. & I'd send one change, unless I'd been having a clear out anyway & had stuff to get rid of.

Oh & get the dc to do the lists (or just don't bother).

Xh has been no trouble in this respect for years. The dc are now teenagers & responsibility for packing is with them. Xh knows he won't get any joy out of poking me if they don't have enough underwear or their swimming kit or whatever the fuck...he can nag them about it or go shopping.

I recommend it. It's your job to dispatch them to him with clothing on their backs which is appropriate for their journey. That's it.

It gets easier!

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