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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not send an itemised list of everything dc being with them for contact with dad?

104 replies

BewareTheRedNosedDragon · 21/12/2021 12:38

3 DC going to spend 5 days with dad over Xmas - first overnight for years. He has asked for an itemised list of everything they are each bringing. I don't particularly want to do this.
AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 21/12/2021 13:47

It may not feel like it op , but you're doing well.

Keep posting here , vent as you please! And just know that they will vote with their feet as they get older.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/12/2021 13:49

NCPs not providing clothes or other necessities at their house happens all the time . It’s infuriating!

Or you get “my maintenance should pay for everything - you need to send them with clothes”. No exh / exhP - the maintenance amount is already lower because it’s assumed you’re providing enough stuff at your house do those nights!

It’s such a pain sending stuff with your kids not knowing if you’ll ever see it again, but equally you don’t want you kids to be without their stuff!

NorthSouthcatlady · 21/12/2021 13:49

I wouldn’t be making a list, with people like that the more you give in then the more they want you to do. Just decline, don’t bother explaining or justifying.
Hmm it’s weird he can’t open emails or receive pictures. It’s almost like he can but doesn’t want to Hmm

FlowersFlowersEverywhere · 21/12/2021 13:50

Send him a picture message and an email that says ‘you’re a twat’ and see if he replies angrily - thus proving he can in fact access them Grin

SpindleWhirling · 21/12/2021 13:51

It does get easier, like @CorvusPurpureus says.

Do these dads never stop to think what sort of relationship they're going to have with their DC in the future? Because mine are in their 20s and can't stand their father. Haven't spoken to him for a few years now.

lovemelongtime · 21/12/2021 13:52

Just take a photo and send it - of course he can open a photo - he's just being a twat (which it looks like you know anyway). Dont get dragged into his control sphere.

NdujaWannaDance · 21/12/2021 13:55

I think if he's having three of them for 5 days it's quite a sensible idea to ask for a list. If you dont want to do it, or you'd rather tell him to do his own as soon as they arrive then that's fine.

But you won't have a leg to stand on if something doesn't make it back again. Your call.

AngelonTopoftheTree · 21/12/2021 13:56

What an asshole!! I agree with photographing for your own records, but not sharing with him, but also get the kids involved in recording what's going to dad's house. As numerous PP have said, they'll wise up to him soon enough!
Also June's excellent suggestion above - slime and kinetic and make great presents Xmas Grin

fluffedup · 21/12/2021 13:57

@FlowersFlowersEverywhere

Send him a picture message and an email that says ‘you’re a twat’ and see if he replies angrily - thus proving he can in fact access them Grin
do this!!!!

I think if I were you I would make a list - but I wouldn't give it to him, I would just use it to check they've got everything when you pick them up. And you could give a copy to the children so they could check before you arrive. But you don't need to comply with his silly demands.

ChubbyMorticia · 21/12/2021 13:58

@NdujaWannaDance

I think if he's having three of them for 5 days it's quite a sensible idea to ask for a list. If you dont want to do it, or you'd rather tell him to do his own as soon as they arrive then that's fine.

But you won't have a leg to stand on if something doesn't make it back again. Your call.

Disagree, heartily.

She shouldn't be needing to send anything at all. He's their father, it's his time, he ought to be providing everything they need for while they're there.

Him not returning everything is stealing from his children.

Skeumorph · 21/12/2021 14:06

Can you just refer all this nonsense to social services, including the request for bedding?

It's really showing that he is not acting reasonably or in their best interests.

EdHelpPls · 21/12/2021 14:11

My ex has never asked for a list but I have ended up providing everything Inc detergent for bedding that stayed at his. I want to know my kids have been provided for. They don't take their best clothes though.

Rise above his shitty attitude. It'll prob piss him off more than you are annoyed now. A checklist will help your kids repack. Send a bag for dirty laundry, and any toys in a box for easy storage so bits don't go missing.

NdujaWannaDance · 21/12/2021 14:19

She shouldn't be needing to send anything at all. He's their father, it's his time, he ought to be providing everything they need for while they're there.

It's their first overnight in years and they are staying 5 nights. You expect him to have spare clothing, hats, coats, gloves, spare shoes, wellies, favourite toys, medicines they might need or anything else, for three kids for 5 days when they don't usually stay there? Completely unrealistic.

50:50 residency then fair enough. This isn't that.

Him not returning everything is stealing from his children.

Jesus. What an attitude. No wonder some of you have so much trouble co-parenting without conflict.

Him not returning everything is far more likely to be because a child dropped it down the back of sofa/radiator/left it under the bed, or it accidentally got put in the washing machine and forgotten about when it was time to pack up.

And if he doesn't even know what it looks like then it's going to be pretty hard to know what to look for, and to make sure every item goes back with them. He's not going to be as familiar with all of the children's clothes and belongings as his ex is, if she's the one who chose them and they are usually kept at her house.

Particularly if he has a new partner with children of roughly the same age and their stuff is knocking around as well.

I think what he's asked is sensible and reasonable. If the OP doesn't want to do it she doesn't have to, but it might be in her interests to cooperate, unless she's the sort who is really going to enjoy moaning until Easter about how she never got back her DD's gloves as her ex clearly stole them just to be a bastard.

Lovemusic33 · 21/12/2021 14:23

I would make a really long list down to every tiny little thing….Lego sword….playmobil hat etc… just to piss him off. And do include a big pot of glitter, some slime and Kenetic sand 😉.

FortVictoria · 21/12/2021 14:26

I think the frustration from the OP and other posters is not about the list per se - most people acknowledge that is reasonable. It’s his controlling demand that the OP prepares the list. He’s perfectly capable of checking their bags on arrival and preparing his own list. It sounds like he does little enough else for his own kids.

FortVictoria · 21/12/2021 14:28

Above was in response to Ndujawannadance, not Lovemusic33

Fuuuuuckit · 21/12/2021 14:29

@JuneOsborne

Ha ha, I love this.

If he has a child-free house, and doesn't even keep a toothbrush there for them, surely hell notice that a Playmobil knight, a switch and 45981 NERF bullets have been left behind. Whatever you do make sure you send slime and kinetic sand....

Kinetic sand Slime Jelly baff stuff Glitter Sequins More sand More slime

My ex would throw a similar hissy fit, but I'd be wary of not getting something back if it didn't go on the list.

Make sure you add an extra t-shirt or two to keep him on his toes

MorningStarling · 21/12/2021 14:30

He can't open emails? Great, just choose to only correspond with him via email in future, that way you'll never have to have contact with him again!

Testingprof · 21/12/2021 14:30

@NdujaWannaDance

She shouldn't be needing to send anything at all. He's their father, it's his time, he ought to be providing everything they need for while they're there.

It's their first overnight in years and they are staying 5 nights. You expect him to have spare clothing, hats, coats, gloves, spare shoes, wellies, favourite toys, medicines they might need or anything else, for three kids for 5 days when they don't usually stay there? Completely unrealistic.

50:50 residency then fair enough. This isn't that.

Him not returning everything is stealing from his children.

Jesus. What an attitude. No wonder some of you have so much trouble co-parenting without conflict.

Him not returning everything is far more likely to be because a child dropped it down the back of sofa/radiator/left it under the bed, or it accidentally got put in the washing machine and forgotten about when it was time to pack up.

And if he doesn't even know what it looks like then it's going to be pretty hard to know what to look for, and to make sure every item goes back with them. He's not going to be as familiar with all of the children's clothes and belongings as his ex is, if she's the one who chose them and they are usually kept at her house.

Particularly if he has a new partner with children of roughly the same age and their stuff is knocking around as well.

I think what he's asked is sensible and reasonable. If the OP doesn't want to do it she doesn't have to, but it might be in her interests to cooperate, unless she's the sort who is really going to enjoy moaning until Easter about how she never got back her DD's gloves as her ex clearly stole them just to be a bastard.

Clearly you haven’t had dealings with abusive ex’s, this is a very clear example of the OPs ex trying to control her.

50/50 or not it is the NRP’s responsibility to provide for the children during their time there. Why is it up to the normally lower earner (or at least the one with the most outgoings/hinderance on time) to provide for two houses?

Even with a list if they don’t want to return things they won’t be returned.

Fuuuuuckit · 21/12/2021 14:30

And mine has nothing for the kids at his - they're also going for Xmas for the first time in 11 years and he doesn't even have a bed for them.

PartyPrawnRingGames · 21/12/2021 14:32

If he's weird and controlling I wouldn't do it on principle.

Gargellen · 21/12/2021 14:33

Even if you sent a list, judging by his personality, he wouldn't make the effort to make sure all is returned anyway so it would genuinely be a waste of time.

NdujaWannaDance · 21/12/2021 14:35

Clearly you haven’t had dealings with abusive ex’s, this is a very clear example of the OPs ex trying to control her.

Or it could be his way of avoiding a situation where he's accused of stealing his children's stuff?

MadgeMak · 21/12/2021 14:42

@NdujaWannaDance

Clearly you haven’t had dealings with abusive ex’s, this is a very clear example of the OPs ex trying to control her.

Or it could be his way of avoiding a situation where he's accused of stealing his children's stuff?

Why are you so desperately keen to stick up for OP"s ex who is clearly an utter loser, a crap father, and abusive?
ClaudiaWankleman · 21/12/2021 14:45

Or it could be his way of avoiding a situation where he's accused of stealing his children's stuff?

Come off it @NdujaWannaDance if that were the case then he wouldn't be making it so hard for the OP. What parent-age adult can't receive texts or emails in this day?

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