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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think she could have stayed a bit longer

84 replies

LittleRedLeaf · 21/12/2021 07:16

DH's aunt repeatedly offered to drop everything and come up to help us out with our toddler if/when I went into labour with our second. Turns out we didn't end up with a drop everything scenario as she was visiting us at the weekend when DS made an appearance. Now it's less than 24 hours since I gave birth, DS is in SCBU, I'm unwell and once DH leaves us he's subject to really restricted visiting hours because of covid. Plus we are in DH's home country so if he's not with me there's a bit of a language/cultural barrier. And now she's decided she's had enough and is going back home...

I mean, I know she has her own life but after saying she'd drop everything to help out she then can't manage to stay more than 24 hours after I give birth. It's not what any of us wanted DS and me being ill and it makes life harder for everyone (including her if she stayed as before we'd hoped to either be home from hospital quickly or DH would feel ok leaving a healthy baby and mother and just coming in at visiting hours so able to do most of the care for our toddler). BIL is here as well and has really stepped up but he is supposed to be working from home so it's hard for him to manage alone, plus I know how tiring/difficult it is to look after an almost one year old by yourself all day and night.

Apparently she's coming up to visit next month when everything has settled down...AIBU to think like fuck she is staying with us especially as DH will be back at work so it'll be me having to entertain her as well as the toddler and newborn.

Even if IABU please don't be too mean, I really just need to rant about this! I don't mind her having a life of her own obviously but then why reassure me repeatedly that she'd drop everything to help?!

OP posts:

IKnowAPlace · 21/12/2021 07:20

She sounds both useful and a bit selfish. Maybe she didn't understand what she agreed to.

Congratulations on your new baby

Mumdiva99 · 21/12/2021 07:20

So sorry to hear your birth experience wasn't straight forward and sending best wishes to your little one. I hope he's OK.

Absolutely vent away. (Next week when things have calmed down you can reflect....it might just be a difference of expectations. Maybe she only thought you needed her while you were in labour and that's why she's off now. Whereas you were expecting her to stay a while sfter birth too. )
Sorry this is stressing you. I hope you and baby are home soon.

saraclara · 21/12/2021 07:30

She did help when you went into labour.

Unfortunately, because she was already staying with you when it happened, she'd already been away from home for a few days. So maybe she needed to get back.

You still have BIL with you, which is more than most people have. If your DH can't visit you much, then BIL won't have your toddler for much of the time.

Another 24 hours would have been helpful though. Did she say why she was going?

Bubblty · 21/12/2021 07:35

Maybe as she was visiting any way she thought she had been away enough. Or maybe she felt she wasn't actually being much help so would get out your hair? Or she hates staying at your house but is to polite to tell you.

Bubblty · 21/12/2021 07:37

Judy be grateful for the help you have got and don't let this get to you. You have bigger things to deal with right now. X

orderlyfashion · 21/12/2021 07:38

I think it's reasonable for her to want to go back to her own life 4 days before Christmas, especially since she'd already been helping you, snd did what she promised. Nobody could have predicted you or your baby being so well, snd wishing you both a speedy recovery.
An almost one year old is hard work as well and needs daddy too.

StarfishDish · 21/12/2021 07:38

It might just be that she feels she's invading your space and wants to give you all time to yourselves?

Bubblty · 21/12/2021 07:40

@StarfishDish

It might just be that she feels she's invading your space and wants to give you all time to yourselves?

Yeah, there are so many threads on here about unwelcome visitors she's probably just trying to do the right thing.

R0tational · 21/12/2021 07:40

Aww poor you! Feel better soon and congrats! Hooe you can go home soon.

Overthebow · 21/12/2021 07:43

She was there to help whilst you were in labour and gave birth like she said she would. It’s a lot to ask to have her stay much longer really. You have BIL to help too so you do have help still.

Thebathneedscleaned · 21/12/2021 07:43

I'm wondering if her idea of 'helping' was being able to monopolise the new baby. Your baby is with you in hospital and there is no new toy for her to play with. I think this is why she wants to come back in a month. The hard part (when she will actually be of some use) will be over and she can play with the baby.

I'm still bitter after when I had my DS1. His birth was horrifc, I was very ill afterwards and when I stupidly let family visit (don't worry I learnt my lesson with DS2!) no one apart from my DH or my DM actually even bothered to ask if I was OK. People only want to see the baby.

SeasonFinale · 21/12/2021 07:44

Surely the drop everything offer was to drop everything to get there to look after DS whilst you were in labour and giving birth not for after birth care too. I think you have misunderstood what her offer was. It would not be usual for an aunt to do that.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/12/2021 07:49

Vent away, and I'm wishing your baby well.
But...once you can reflect- she says she would help whilst you were in Labour, she's done that. You have your dh, your bil, and you've had your dh aunt - that's 3 more pairs of hands to help than some. I know it's not a race to the bottom. But if your dh isn't allowed to visit often, what else would she do now? You have dh to look after toddler, you're with baby, and when dh visits, you have bil to look after toddler. She isn't needed is she?

TeachesOfPeaches · 21/12/2021 07:49

You have your husband, BIL and aunt there to help you, sounds to me like she offered to be there for the birth which she was.

LowlyTheWorm · 21/12/2021 07:50

Yanbu but it is what it is. Can you just accept that DHs role is to be daddy for DS1 and yours is to look after yourself and the new baby and sort of divide and conquer? Maybe BIL will help with some household stuff?
Tbh with such a small age gap (did I see you say your eldest isn’t even a year old!?!) you and your husband will probably kind of have to parent one baby each for a while now…
Congratulations and try to relax and regain your strength now and don’t waste your energy on the aunt scenario.

saraclara · 21/12/2021 07:51

@Thebathneedscleaned you are completely projecting there, with absolutely nothing to go on.

Original poster

LittleRedLeaf · 21/12/2021 07:52

She's not invading anyone's space - we're all still in the hospital. Me and DS won't be able to leave for at least a few days. Once DH leaves it's not easy for him to come back.

She's always been very involved in DH's life, more so than most aunts would be.

OP posts:

MeanMrMustardSeed · 21/12/2021 07:52

I suppose she felt she was offering to help in an emergency situation. That’s now passed and the reality of having two children has hit hard. It’s usual for one parent to look after one and the other parent to look after the other, especially when they are both so young. It’s a big shift from everyone doing everything together / new baby is complete and utter priority.

Original poster

LittleRedLeaf · 21/12/2021 07:54

@LowlyTheWorm

Yanbu but it is what it is. Can you just accept that DHs role is to be daddy for DS1 and yours is to look after yourself and the new baby and sort of divide and conquer? Maybe BIL will help with some household stuff? Tbh with such a small age gap (did I see you say your eldest isn’t even a year old!?!) you and your husband will probably kind of have to parent one baby each for a while now… Congratulations and try to relax and regain your strength now and don’t waste your energy on the aunt scenario.

I got the age wrong! I meant almost 2. Almost 1 would be horrific!

OP posts:

Mittenmob · 21/12/2021 07:54

I think yabu. I don't know many aunts who would even offer to help around the labour.

JaninaDuszejko · 21/12/2021 07:55

It would not be usual for an aunt to do that.

Well, it would be a usual thing for a mother to do so I'm guessing the OPs Mum is either dead, in another country and can't get to the OP to help, or useless and the OPs Aunt is stepping up to fill the gap.

OP, you are in a very vulnerable and emotional state and obviously want your DH but your Aunt being there won't make much difference since there's restricted visiting. Thank your Aunt for what she has done and try not to feel too slighted, she will have her own reasons for doing what she's doing. Your BIL is being a big help which is great and your DH should be able to look after your toddler by himself anyway when he's at home.

StarfishDish · 21/12/2021 07:55

@LittleRedLeaf

She's not invading anyone's space - we're all still in the hospital. Me and DS won't be able to leave for at least a few days. Once DH leaves it's not easy for him to come back.

She's always been very involved in DH's life, more so than most aunts would be.

Some people don't feel like that though. When I gave birth, I had to stay in overnight. My Mum and Step Dad went to see my husband to make sure he was okay, drop some bits off etc and they didn't stay long as they thought he'd want some time to himself. However, he was really grateful to have them there to take his mind off things.

saraclara · 21/12/2021 07:55

If it's not easy for DH to come back to the hospital (due to covid restrictions) then with him and BIL able to look after the toddler, I'm not sure why the aunt is needed. Am I missing something?

arethereanyleftatall · 21/12/2021 07:56

It might be worth reframing this in your head op. Forget about what's happening now. She helped you enormously during Labour - otherwise you might have given birth alone. Your expectations are now different - she's probably expecting a thank you, whereas you've said she's not staying in a month.

MintJulia · 21/12/2021 07:57

Congratulations

Next month, can you arrange to come home to your own family instead?

Have the chance to relax a little without the language/cultural barrier.

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