Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To think she could have stayed a bit longer

84 replies

LittleRedLeaf · 21/12/2021 07:16

DH's aunt repeatedly offered to drop everything and come up to help us out with our toddler if/when I went into labour with our second. Turns out we didn't end up with a drop everything scenario as she was visiting us at the weekend when DS made an appearance. Now it's less than 24 hours since I gave birth, DS is in SCBU, I'm unwell and once DH leaves us he's subject to really restricted visiting hours because of covid. Plus we are in DH's home country so if he's not with me there's a bit of a language/cultural barrier. And now she's decided she's had enough and is going back home...

I mean, I know she has her own life but after saying she'd drop everything to help out she then can't manage to stay more than 24 hours after I give birth. It's not what any of us wanted DS and me being ill and it makes life harder for everyone (including her if she stayed as before we'd hoped to either be home from hospital quickly or DH would feel ok leaving a healthy baby and mother and just coming in at visiting hours so able to do most of the care for our toddler). BIL is here as well and has really stepped up but he is supposed to be working from home so it's hard for him to manage alone, plus I know how tiring/difficult it is to look after an almost one year old by yourself all day and night.

Apparently she's coming up to visit next month when everything has settled down...AIBU to think like fuck she is staying with us especially as DH will be back at work so it'll be me having to entertain her as well as the toddler and newborn.

Even if IABU please don't be too mean, I really just need to rant about this! I don't mind her having a life of her own obviously but then why reassure me repeatedly that she'd drop everything to help?!

OP posts:

lebkuchenforxmas · 21/12/2021 07:59

"Dropping everything and helping" unfortunately means different things to different people with some people being all talk and no action.

Totalwasteofpaper · 21/12/2021 08:06

I think if i am reading it right...the key problem is if DH stays with you it's fine for him to be in hospital and stay BUT if he leaves he cannot easily come back and you feel you need him with you - correct?

It may be BIL can take a day or so emergency leave from work if he is willing/able?

Yes it's disappointing on her part but she may feel she did what she said ie. Literally the birth hope you and the baby recover

arethereanyleftatall · 21/12/2021 08:07

Two things.

Am I right in understanding that at the moment you're both in hospital with your poorly baby, and your Bil is at home looking after your toddler and trying to work full time? Then realise that this is really nice of him, and you owe him a big thank you! (Because your dh could go home to look after toddler).

Once dh is home, then if you continue to think aunt should help, you're possibly in danger of being sexist. You will have one fully grown capable adult looking after one child. He really shouldn't need the help of another adult.

phishy · 21/12/2021 08:11

Definitely don’t let her stay. She just wants to come when she thinks you’ll have everything sorted and you and DC can entertain her. Fuck that.

Tulips21 · 21/12/2021 08:25

As hard as it is to have your baby in SCBU- trust me , I know, Your Dh needs to now step up and take full responsibility for your older child.
Hopefully you will be out soon with baby too.
I think your Aunt did support you in what she said.
Most people wont have anybody but their dp to support at home caring for other Dc.

Congratulations.

oftenbaffled · 21/12/2021 08:26

What is her situation?

Does she has children? Job? Pets?

oftenbaffled · 21/12/2021 08:26

How old is she?

MrsLargeEmbodied · 21/12/2021 08:36

perhaps dc1 is not being easy and dh is stressed?

Derbee · 21/12/2021 08:37

@Thebathneedscleaned

I'm wondering if her idea of 'helping' was being able to monopolise the new baby. Your baby is with you in hospital and there is no new toy for her to play with. I think this is why she wants to come back in a month. The hard part (when she will actually be of some use) will be over and she can play with the baby.

I'm still bitter after when I had my DS1. His birth was horrifc, I was very ill afterwards and when I stupidly let family visit (don't worry I learnt my lesson with DS2!) no one apart from my DH or my DM actually even bothered to ask if I was OK. People only want to see the baby.

Or they don’t want to overstay, and they want to give the new family time together. There are so many threads here about unwanted visitors, she might be trying to get out of their hair.

It’s also 4 days before Christmas - totally reasonable to get back to her life. You have no idea what her commitments/dependants are.

I don’t know why people always need to try and see the worst.

ApolloandDaphne · 21/12/2021 08:37

She has done what she said she would do and was there to look after DC when you went into labour. I don't think there should be any expectation that she stays longer. She probably thinks that your DH will want to come and care for DC1 while you prioritise DC2.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 21/12/2021 08:41

You may just have different expectations that the Aunt hasn't realised. Why not try talking to her and asking if she could stay a bit longer to help you now. You don't get if you don't ask. Congratulations on your new baby. Hope you are all feeling better soon.

Netry · 21/12/2021 08:42

Congrats on your newborn! Hope he comes home soon. You have your BIL at home so not sure why you need aunt plus your husband will only be allowed to visit a few hours at most and BIL can surely look after a toddler during that time? 3 adults to look after a toddler does sound hmm excessive?

woodlandarchitect · 21/12/2021 08:47

OP I expect she feels like she’s invading your space.

Why don’t you say “we love having you and we would love you to stay for a few more days”

Could she be worried about new restrictions coming in and wants to get home etc?

Just look after yourself and the baby. And a huuuuge congratulations to you and your family! Xx

Big hugs, you’re allowed to feel emotional! Totally normal

icedcoffees · 21/12/2021 08:48

I think this is different to her coming and helping at short notice.

She'd already been with you for a few days and probably had plans back home. Most people can't just drop everything indefinitely to help relatives out for extended periods of time.

Congratulations on your baby

CeibaTree · 21/12/2021 08:50

Sounds like she meant she would specifically be there to help while you were giving birth, not for the time afterwards. I guess just be grateful for the time she did give you and congratulations!

Immunetypegoblin · 21/12/2021 08:50

I think you're reasonable to be disappointed - she said she'd stay to help and then left as soon as she could, it seems. BIL has a job so it makes sense that he'd be less available to help than the aunt.

I'd be very hmm about her visiting in a month tbh.

Littlepinkpeg · 21/12/2021 08:53

As someone who had a baby in NICU I totally understand the op needs support and help and someone to look after her as well, it's not just about the childcare. The aunt could really have stayed a few extra days even just to allow op's husband to be with her more. I really hope you and the baby are ok and home soon op.

endofthelinefinally · 21/12/2021 08:53

YANBU. An awful lot of people clearly haven't read your OP. I am sorry you are going to be left on your own in hospital with a poorly baby, especially now that your DH will not be able to visit except for very limited times and there is a language barrier between you and the staff.
Your BiL sounds great but of course if he is working full time he can't manage a toddler as well. If he could get some annual leave that would be great, but that would be entirely up to his employer.
I hope you won't have to be in too long and you and baby recover asap.
It is just unfortunate - I expect the aunt would stay if she could, but she might have other commitments.

CottonSock · 21/12/2021 08:53

I had similar and asked my parents to stay an extra day and they agreed. Don't think you can expect much more though and if she has a flight booked just before Christmas. Unfortunate, but you do sound a bit unreasonable.

NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 21/12/2021 08:55

@saraclara

If it's not easy for DH to come back to the hospital (due to covid restrictions) then with him and BIL able to look after the toddler, I'm not sure why the aunt is needed. Am I missing something?

Yes, the OP being in hospital with a sick baby, in a hospital where there's a language barrier. Her DH is currently there (emotional, physical support & better able to communicate. Once he leaves the hospital his visiting will be restricted & the OP feels very vulnerable & scared.

@LittleRedLeaf. Can you rope in anyone to help BIL for a few hours a day so he can get some work done, or hire a nanny for a a little while?

Or just get DH to talk to his Aunt & explain the situation & ask if she can't stay a bit longer?!

Beautiful3 · 21/12/2021 09:04

I would have thought she meant, she'll come to look after the child while I'm in hospital. So that your husband can be with you during the birth. I wouldn't have expected her to stay any longer, it's unnecessary. Otherwise she'll just be a maid/nanny. Your husband looks after the child after the birth, and the hospital looks after you, you look after the newborn. Congratulations on your new baby.

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 21/12/2021 09:05

Congratulations! I'm sorry it hasn't all gone to plan, I hope you and baby are well and home soon.

You are very vulnerable after birth. Perhaps come off Mumsnet and concentrate on resting and getting better. Mumsnet can be tricky especially when feeling wobbly.

Send DH home for your toddler, there's not a lot he can do in hospital that the nurses can't.

All the best. And relax, you don't want your memories of the first days consumed with hateful thoughts about family. Try to focus on you and the baby x

CatherinedeBourgh · 21/12/2021 09:05

Have you told her you would like her to stay a while longer?

DisforDarkChocolate · 21/12/2021 09:06

It sounds like she is trying to be helpful and not overstep.

She offered to help when you were in labour, she's been there a few days now and may feel she's imposing.

If I had a pound from everyone who posted on here asking for people to visit a few weeks after the baby was born and not when their husband was still at home I wouldn't need my overdraft.

Ponoka7 · 21/12/2021 09:18

I also think that she's done her best to balance out helping, not being in the way and still seeing to her own stuff. She may have also underestimated how much work a toddler is. I've been a hands on nan, but I've made it clear that anymore babies and I won't be doing as much once they are six months until they are around three, it's hard going and we go through the menopause for a reason.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread