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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she could have stayed a bit longer

84 replies

LittleRedLeaf · 21/12/2021 07:16

DH's aunt repeatedly offered to drop everything and come up to help us out with our toddler if/when I went into labour with our second. Turns out we didn't end up with a drop everything scenario as she was visiting us at the weekend when DS made an appearance. Now it's less than 24 hours since I gave birth, DS is in SCBU, I'm unwell and once DH leaves us he's subject to really restricted visiting hours because of covid. Plus we are in DH's home country so if he's not with me there's a bit of a language/cultural barrier. And now she's decided she's had enough and is going back home...

I mean, I know she has her own life but after saying she'd drop everything to help out she then can't manage to stay more than 24 hours after I give birth. It's not what any of us wanted DS and me being ill and it makes life harder for everyone (including her if she stayed as before we'd hoped to either be home from hospital quickly or DH would feel ok leaving a healthy baby and mother and just coming in at visiting hours so able to do most of the care for our toddler). BIL is here as well and has really stepped up but he is supposed to be working from home so it's hard for him to manage alone, plus I know how tiring/difficult it is to look after an almost one year old by yourself all day and night.

Apparently she's coming up to visit next month when everything has settled down...AIBU to think like fuck she is staying with us especially as DH will be back at work so it'll be me having to entertain her as well as the toddler and newborn.

Even if IABU please don't be too mean, I really just need to rant about this! I don't mind her having a life of her own obviously but then why reassure me repeatedly that she'd drop everything to help?!

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 21/12/2021 09:19

But, you are in a very tough situation and you rant away, get it all out and get passed it.

cansu · 21/12/2021 09:23

But she did help - she looked after your toddler while you were in labour. I think you need to lower your expectations a bit.

Original poster
LittleRedLeaf · 21/12/2021 09:27

It was never about labour. We always planned for if I went into labour when noone was around then I'd do it alone and DH would join us when his family arrived to be with DD (more than likely after the birth due to distances and how quick we thought the labour would be). He is her close family, no partner, kids etc. MIL passed away.

Didn't get a chance to ask her to stay - she didn't tell me she was leaving until she was gone and texted me to say she hoped I was resting well, feeling better and enjoying being a mummy of 2 (no, no and no).

DH is very capable of looking after DD on his own. It's me that isn't capable of doing much for DS or myself tbh hence why DH is reluctant to leave us.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleRedLeaf · 21/12/2021 09:28

We'll just have to suck it up though and DH will probably head back tonight to relieve his brother (who we are enormously grateful to). I'll do the best I can and hope the nurses are helpful.

OP posts:
lynntheyresexswappers · 21/12/2021 09:31

@LittleRedLeaf

It was never about labour. We always planned for if I went into labour when noone was around then I'd do it alone and DH would join us when his family arrived to be with DD (more than likely after the birth due to distances and how quick we thought the labour would be). He is her close family, no partner, kids etc. MIL passed away.

Didn't get a chance to ask her to stay - she didn't tell me she was leaving until she was gone and texted me to say she hoped I was resting well, feeling better and enjoying being a mummy of 2 (no, no and no).

DH is very capable of looking after DD on his own. It's me that isn't capable of doing much for DS or myself tbh hence why DH is reluctant to leave us.

You're in the hospital still, they are there to help you and baby. Dh will need to go look after DD. You have BIL to help too. Hopefully you'll feel better soon and can go home, but yes you can't expect her to stay longer.
oftenbaffled · 21/12/2021 09:32

Op

How old is she and what are her circumstances? Ie family, pets, work, health

If she’s your DH,s aunt… she can’t be young!

AD80 · 21/12/2021 09:33

It's not her responsibility really. She was kind enough to help when you went into labour. It's 4 days before Christmas. Does she have a job she needs to get back to, her own responsibilities? Maybe she wants to be in her own home. For me, I really struggle to function when I'm not in my own home!

phishy · 21/12/2021 09:36

@AD80

It's not her responsibility really. She was kind enough to help when you went into labour. It's 4 days before Christmas. Does she have a job she needs to get back to, her own responsibilities? Maybe she wants to be in her own home. For me, I really struggle to function when I'm not in my own home!
But equally it's not OP's responsibility to entertain her in a month's time for days at her home whilst juggling a new born and toddler.
BrilliantBetty · 21/12/2021 09:37

Congratulations on baby!
24 hours of her time babysitting for you is kind and TBH I wouldn't look after anyones toddler longer than that. It is very hard work.

Hopefully the rest of your support network can now step in. Don't resent her for this Smile

oftenbaffled · 21/12/2021 09:40

Less than 24 hours since you had your baby

And you’re posting a thread complaining about your aunt.

Hide the thread OP and enjoy this time

Sirzy · 21/12/2021 09:41

It’s a tough situation all around but she has helped and now his brother is helping. That’s fantastic and means you get more time with your husband There.

For the sake of your daughter though either way as long as all is stable it does get to a point where he will be the best person to support her to give her some normality

SmellyOldPartridgeinaPearTree · 21/12/2021 09:42

She's been really kind. Why not get annoyed at the rest of your family for not helping? She's the only one who actually has helped and she's the one you're angry at.

Original poster
LittleRedLeaf · 21/12/2021 09:43

@oftenbaffled

Less than 24 hours since you had your baby

And you’re posting a thread complaining about your aunt.

Hide the thread OP and enjoy this time

Enjoy my baby being in SCBU and me not being able to visit him, change my own pants or sleep? Ok I'll do that. Thanks for the advice.
OP posts:
lap90 · 21/12/2021 09:44

I'm assuming she told your husband she was leaving? Did he ask her to stay a bit longer, assuming he thought she was needed?

LookItsMeAgain · 21/12/2021 09:45

She's your DH's aunt. Why isn't he saying something to her???

Wombat69 · 21/12/2021 09:45

I had to dash off shortly after my sibling had a baby. I'd been around waiting to look after the toddler but needed to go home by a certain date. I felt quite bad but I don't have any extra support for my own commitments, so needed to be back home. Plus I hate being away from home, so the length of time away had already been quite challenging. My work was affected too.

Lunificent · 21/12/2021 09:46

People who are over generous in their initial offer are a bit of a red flag.
I don’t think you should rely on her.

strawberrymilk7 · 21/12/2021 09:49

I do feel for you. I can imagine it would be stressful to have a baby in a different country away from family and more so if it's a new language for you!
It was good of her to help out, but unless she is working/ committed else where she could have stayed. It sounds like his aunt is a 2nd mam.

Will any of your family be able to visit soon?

saraclara · 21/12/2021 09:49

Most people wont have anybody but their dp to support at home caring for other Dc.

Yep. Having a second baby is an entirely different ball game from the first. And to be honest, toddler needs his dad. You've both disappeared from his life and another relative is looking after him. That's okay for 24 hours or so, but he needs to know one of his parents is around.

oftenbaffled · 21/12/2021 09:53

Why can’t you visit him?

oftenbaffled · 21/12/2021 09:54

Ah you’re poorly
I am sorry
Can’t they wheel you to see him?
Did that for my very poorly sister post birth.

oftenbaffled · 21/12/2021 09:54

Op you haven’t told us how old she is and what her circumstances are?!

Chocolatewheatos · 21/12/2021 09:54

YANBU
She said she would come and help. Helpfully she was already there but is LEAVING. Big difference between "I'll come when you need help" and "you need help so I'm leaving."
No way would she be visiting when it suited her when I had a toddler and just recovering. I'd feel quite let down tbh.

orderlyfashion · 21/12/2021 09:55

Enjoy my baby being in SCBU and me not being able to visit him, change my own pants or sleep? Ok I'll do that

None of that could have been predicted snd none of that is your DH aunt's fault.

I think you are going through a hard time just now and venting. You and your baby will be well looked after in hospital. Let your husband go and relieve the poor woman of her responsibilities now

BraveGoldie · 21/12/2021 09:59

Seems like you didn't ask anything specific or clear of the aunt and you haven't asked her to stay.

How about sending her a note saying
'Dear aunt, I am really struggling and it would be hugely reassuring to me if you could stay some extra days to help with DD. Any chance you could come back? I understand if there is something else going on I don't know about that makes it impossible, but otherwise this is a time DH and I really need our family around us, and you are really important family.'

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