AIBU to wonder how working parents do it? Tips from anyone who's got their sh*t together gratefully received!!

[MsFrog]

I've got two DC, 11 months and 3 years. I went back to work 7 weeks ago. My husband works full time, I'm three days. He's great around the house, everything is 50:50.

We are on the brink - every day feels like a stressy mess, especially tea times. We both just work, look after the kids, tidy etc all the time. Feels like firefighting to avoid the house descending into a toy-ridden pit with no clean clothes in sight and ready meals galore!

How do people do it when both partners work? I'm only part time and it still feels undoable! Is this just life with young kids and I'm BU unreasonable to expect much time to relax? The kids aren't the best sleepers, so that doesn't help, but still.

Any practical tips on how to make the weeks easier? Or do we just accept this for now, and reassure ourselves we aren't doing anything wrong?

@MsFrog please don't be hard on yourself and ignore any unhelpful comments about how it isn't hard. It is.

I'm a single, full time working parent to 3. I do not currently feel like I'm on top of anything after a very stressful time, too much on call, too many extra shifts etc. I'm determined to get back to it for 2022 and have done it well before. Here's what works for me:

1. Menu plan and keep it simple - pasta night, soup night, rice meal night, jacket potato night, roast etc. Set mains on set days, always enough for leftovers for lunch for parent(s) who are working. Get a take away once weekly if you can.

1. Never let dishes pile up, never ever go to bed with dishes not done.

1. Keep lounge tidied and minimal. Comfortable furniture, not filled with toys, papers, books etc. If you can have two rooms organized and relaxing, it makes a massive difference.

1. Wipe down bathroom sinks daily, and keep clutter at bay. Again massive difference in terms of mental health.

1. Get a cleaner if you can. As a single parent it isn't an option, but I believe it is money very well spent. Even 3 hours/week.

1. Shop online and/or order fruit/veg box, milk, bread etc for delivery. The less you have to drag yourself and dc to shops the better. Save your lists online to make it less time consuming.

1. Order things like cat litter, bin bags, cleaning supplies, loo roll, pet food etc on subscription if you can't via the weekly online shop.

1. Have dc in bed as early as you can which is hard with littles in terms of predictability, but put the work in to have a good routine. Earmark one hour after they are in bed for your prep/cleaning/organizing/tidying and at least 1 hour for rest/hobbies/favourite programmes etc. Then get to bed with a routine and enjoy another 30 min with a book, crossword etc. Sends the brain a message your life isn't just about survival.

1. 3-4x a year have a day off when dc are in childcare or school. I find once a term is ideal and a day in the summer. It makes a massive difference to feeling like you have some mental space.

10. Have a list of things you don't do. Sounds strange but it works. Maybe it's ironing, baking and saying yes to more than one extra per weekend. For everyone/every family it will be different.

Now I need to follow my own advice!

I only have one (8 month old) so not sure it's comparable but we work 4 days each and she goes to nursery and her grandparents. Some tips:

We have a new robot vacuum that is set to come on every day at 10 which made a massive difference from day 1.

We count it as a win if the bins go out on the right day.

We do shifts when we have her so one of us does the night and the other the early morning.

In the day we divide and conquer so one does bath and bed the other does dinner.

We don't get upset if its a takeaway day.

We take her grocery shopping once a week on our day off.

We alternate drop off and pick up depending on meetings/ whos in the office.

We don't overschedule weekends. We just see people that really matter to us.

I'm sorry if OP is feeling particularly vulnerable.

I'll take my post back if you prefer. But I really resent being told :

"This is not helpful. It's patronising. And i suspect it's a case of looking back with rose tinted specs. "

Patronising. And no I don't look back with tinted specks. I was and still am , extremely naturally organised, comes very naturally to me. and I had a partially minimalist clean house that was easy to keep on top of, throw all kids toys into big ottoman, close lid, easy. with a quick clean, a quick one two.

I kept on top of the washing, I batch cooked a lot and there was always lots of food. Plus I have 4 freezes, one in the garage, so I had lots of space for storing food. As I do now, as I did then. And I had an amazing husband who also worked his socks off, who with a quick clean could make the place look reasonable within a few minutes and look after the ds's whilst I had a bath.

I'm sorry if you don't like those facts. TAke comfort, Also remember I've had my fair share of shit, that has bought me to my knees. I've got my own problems. Just not these ones.

OP had already been given, before I even posted. Great great advice and loads and loads of tips on minor things to do which help cleaning while the kettle is boiling batch cooking just keeping on top of that ironing or put in a load of washing on all the time which takes two seconds to actually helps a bit she feel more in control.

Many many women struggle with little ones, generally. especially if they're working.

But I miss read her post and couldn't understand why she was struggling only working three days because most women I know never got the chance to work three days and most women would give their right arm to work three days because most women work more than that.

But I'm sorry if it came across as unhelpful I can't take back the fact that I was actually good at those things.

But as the thread went on and I saw her post about her house needing DIY I actually realised she was in a completely different position. And a different frame of mind. Which I hadn't picked up in her previous posts. Sorry.

She's up to her eyes in shit and dust everywhere which totally changes your whole perspective and she never gets a moment to herself because there's always work to do on the house and she's always traipsing around with kids all the time but that didn't wasn't apparent in her previous posts.

so I'm sorry about what I posted. because when I did realise that she had a DIY problem as well which changes a lot I posted to acknowledge that.

Have quick meals (freezer food) or cook double of something on a day when you aren’t at work/at the weekend and freeze it, therefore making the 3 days you work easier. Wash and wipe up, put a wash on, but that’s it for the days you’re at work.

I think it helps to remember if you hired a nanny to look after your preschool dcs, they literally just look after them. They're not expected to clean or shop or run errands or sort the family washing. Yet on the days you have dcs by yourself, you are beating yourself up that you can't care for the kids and get all the housework and domestic chores done without being frazzled.

I would say make the most of your 3 and your dhs 5 lunch breaks - sort online food shopping and family life admin then. Arrange food delivery for when dcs are in bed to save trying to put it away with small child "helping".

Pay someone to do the DIY. Apart from anything else, it sounds like your dh gets no time with the dcs.

Less stuff, organisation so things are easier to clear up, slow cooker and/or batch cook plus cheat as needed. Hire a fortnightly cleaner for the kitchen, bathroom and communal areas. There's a programme on bbc sort your life out which gives good ideas on organisation

We invite people round and then have a mad blitz around the house, hiding things in cupboards, quick wash of the pots and hope to God they don't judge us

It's hard. My first baby never slept well and I used to spend 3am - 6am asleep on his floor before going to work for 10 hours. It gets better once they can start amusing themselves more. As someone has said, the slow cooker is your friend. Your house will be messy for a few years - as long as it is clean try not to worry about the toys. Good luck xx

Firstly lower your standards and prioritise you over spotless house. Your kids are very young but it will get easier in a couple of years. Then accept you will have less relaxing time.

Other things I try is always tidy up as I go along so if I spot a mess I clean it. Lots of short bursts feels more manageable than the big clean we still have to do at the weekend.

With cooking we tried to make big meals so there was always two days worth and I could avoid cooking a few nights a week. I also got lazy and sometimes bought prepared veg or meat that I could just shove in a slow cooker. Having something easy in just in case too. Like a ready-made pasta sauce and fresh pasta for the days you really can't be bothered.

If you can afford it, outsource some of it. Also I found in those early years that when I felt nackered I would book a day annual leave when I knew the kids were in nursery and split them 50:50 between doing a big job like sorting the kids toys and completely relaxing. It's important to have time for you.

I work full time as does DH with 2 DC (7 and 3)

• minimal toys in living room
• washing hung up to dry first thing in the morning (bought a heated Lakeland dryer)
• bin all the shite you don’t need (toys etc) and be ruthless
• don’t buy a lot of crap and if you buy something then get rid of something in its place
• set a timer when kids go to bed and blast the housework. I do 45 min with DH which is essentially an hour and a half.
• Saturday morning bathroom cleaned
• if you see something that needs picked up/put away then do it at the time you see it otherwise everything accumulates.

My house isn’t really tidy but it’s not a bomb site. Remember a cleaner will come to your house to clean but you need to tidy.

Organisation, team work (partner and I split the childcare around our work commitments. It helps that we are both wfh and stagger our working hours) and never letting anything get completely out of hand. We tidy up around the house as wek go along so the mess is never crazy - it only takes two minutes to chuck toys back in a toy box for example. Wipe the kitche
surfaces after every use, laundry load done most days etc.

And the bit I'm working on is using my time more efficiently. I've recently joined the gym so have started planning out my day to make sure I get everything done - it involves spending a lot less time on my phone and a lot more self discipline!

I also only have one child, which I think is a big help

Oh and cooking things that can just be chucked in a big pot in 20 minutes and then stuck in the oven for an hour. Always make two nights worth so on alternate nights I don't have to cook. Spag bol, spaghetti and meatballs, curry, chilli, that sort of stuff.

We do a lot of 1 tray oven meals, stuff that can all be put in at the same time for 30 minutes and then you have a complete meal.

I buy big trays of chicken breasts/pork steaks from the butcher, then break them down into servings of 3 cuts of meat per zip lock bag. Put different flavours in each bag like bbq sauce, honey and mustard, coriander and lime, ginger and lemongrass...... then freeze them.

Night before I pull a bag from the freezer and put it in the fridge then for dinner I just pour it out onto a tray with brocolli or cauliflower or corn on the cob or green beans and into the oven.

If I don't want roasted veg then I microwave up some rice or boil a pan of pasta.

Does a tumble dryer make much of a difference? Am trying to decide whether buying one will actually save much time.

I'm overwhelmed by the response to this. I feel much better today - I've realised we do so many of these already, and everyone is just scrabbling round trying to keep a clean house and clean children and feed everyone!

Some really great tips from everyone, will be taking a lot of the food/shopping related ones on board. But mainly, thanks for reassuring me that it's just madness and I'm not doing anything wrong!

And @Nosilentnites the tumble dryer makes a massive difference in this house!!

Get a nanny.

We only have room for 1 airer and a full load won't fit on it. So we tumble dry bedding, towels and underwear. It's not a time-saver but means I can wash a larger load more often.