AIBU to wonder how working parents do it? Tips from anyone who's got their sh*t together gratefully received!!

[MsFrog]

I've got two DC, 11 months and 3 years. I went back to work 7 weeks ago. My husband works full time, I'm three days. He's great around the house, everything is 50:50.

We are on the brink - every day feels like a stressy mess, especially tea times. We both just work, look after the kids, tidy etc all the time. Feels like firefighting to avoid the house descending into a toy-ridden pit with no clean clothes in sight and ready meals galore!

How do people do it when both partners work? I'm only part time and it still feels undoable! Is this just life with young kids and I'm BU unreasonable to expect much time to relax? The kids aren't the best sleepers, so that doesn't help, but still.

Any practical tips on how to make the weeks easier? Or do we just accept this for now, and reassure ourselves we aren't doing anything wrong?

Top tip. Never go to bed with an untidy house (especially the kitchen/lounge) I worked FT with just one wain and exhausted as I was, I made a huge effort to have those two rooms clean and tidy at bedtime. Plus, I had one box of toys only, it just meant less tat to trip over.
Meal plan - who cares if it’s fish, fingers, waffles and peas, it’s a hot meal.
Do less washing, where possible, do the kids really need clean pyjamas every night (nappy leaks aside), you’d be surprised at how much you save by rewearing the odd item here and there.
DECLUTTER - everywhere looks more messy if it’s cluttered.

It's still early days and you have two under 4.

You're doing brilliantly, don't be so hard on yourself.
You'll get better at it, You'll learn to use every spare second to best effect. And it does get easier. I'm a single mum and it definitely gets easier

OP, do not feel crap, everyone's personal circumstances are different as is the extended support (both practical and emotional) is different. Do not compare yourself to other people and also remember that there are lots of people out there whose reality is very different to the one they like to present to the world.

I work full time in a stressful job, returned at DC being 9 months as needed to financially. DH also working in stressful job and had other much older children living 2 hours away who he remained both practically and financially involved with and responsible for along with their mum. It is juggling and having to let some things go. I was widowed suddenly and was in awe of how single parents manage having been thrown into it very suddenly, no extended family support. Even very close friend's like to jump on the 'but I may as well be single' bandwagon knowing first hand that they really are not.

Do not compare and do not apologise as long as it works for your family and your children's needs are being met. Something has to give and I have no time for the compition amoungst some women about who has it hardest. Focus on you and your family and what is important. Your children are loved, basic needs met, in school on time, oppurtunities outside the home and home good enough? That is fine and enjoy your children, create fun and stop comparing.

Cleaner: 3 hours, whole property.

If you’re caring for two tiny DC on your non working days and most of the weekend it’s unsurprising you’re not getting through the domestic work and have little free time.

Big drip feed about the DIY! Unless you’re sharing that then your H is NOT doing 50/50 and it’s likely a key factor in not keeping on top of the domestics and having more leisure time.

Following! We’re exactly the same. I feel ruined by the weekend and can never catch up! It’s making me very grumpy.

I work full time, as does DH and it's hard. I need to do 50 hours a week to keep afloat at work so we have a cleaner but I just about cope if I wake at 4:30 to get a wash on and dishwasher cleared. Robot hoover helps too.

Our biggest issue is bedtimes taking hours with my youngest and my eldest creating tons of mess. I wish I'd been stricter with making her tidu when younger so we are now having to back pedal and put in place lots of reward charts for tidying which is almost.as exhausting as tidying itself.

Lol sorry to drip feed about the DIY, just forgot that in my OP! Yeah, I think that's one of the biggest things that's making it all feel so impossible.

Thank you so much for everyone's tips and kind comments about how hard it can be. It's hard not to feel like you're doing a sub-par job at work and with the kids (and I'll not even get started on having time for each other!).

I have a lot of respect for those of you working full time and/or who are single parents. I've realised now that I'm not the sort of person who can just go and go and go... I need time where there's no demands made of me, but that just doesn't happen as a working parent! It's been a big adjustment returning to work, but you're right - the weekend DIY is a massive barrier.

It's good to see general themes emerging - batch cook, meal plan, cleaner, organise the night before, stay on top of the mess. We do stay on top of the general clutter and never go to bed with messy house. But we aren't good at meal planning, and I think you're all right about that alleviating some stress.

Do others live by a pretty strict routine then, e.g. online shop every Weds, batch cook every Sunday, beds stripped every second Friday?

Seems like a lot of you are in the exhausted boat too. My kids are both up by 6am latest, so I can't get a jump on them, and they are both up through the night too. Eldest usually asleep by 8pm but the baby always wakes around 9.30pm for some reason, and that's the start of the night shift.

These kids are bloody hard work, mind! 😜

So you're not actually in the house without the kids. That's why it's tough.

You can batch cook till the cows come home but if the kids are in the house the priority is looking after them. Hence the mess.

Do others live by a pretty strict routine then, e.g. online shop every Weds, batch cook every Sunday, beds stripped every second Friday?

^

Not me.

But a general routine is in place, yes. I used to batch cook every Sunday, but since wfh that's gone out the window. Kids are a bit older now too.

It’s not a mystery to me why you’re struggling if you’re working three days and looking after the kids the other four.

I work full time with one child and another on the way and a house that needs a lot of work and honestly we barely have our heads above water most of the time.

Is your H sharing the night and early morning parenting?

I found part time work and caring for two tiny DC far, far harder than working FT when they were a little older. It was really hard to get my paid work done within reasonable hours.

You're in the trenches. These are some of the hardest times. I found it got much easier even in a year or so from where you are now.

@MsFrog don't feel crap. I do 3 days and still struggled before the kids started school. Now they are at school im more on top of it. You cannot do jobs properly with destructive toddlers running around or Wed be out at the park etc.

I agree with lower standards, little and often eg washing on everyday. Take any offers of help you can get- like grandparents babysitting. Outsource - esp diy/ cleaning.

It's only after both kids are at school I can tackle bigger jobs like a big toy sort/ kitchen clear out etc.

@Oblomov21 it may not be the case for you but you mention 15years of 3 days. My job has changed a lot in the last 15years ( even 5 years) and the expectations in work are now ridiculous. Add in covid rules which have placed even more demands on working parents too.

DIY with kids that age is a fucking nightmare. We mostly took the shabby house for a few years option.

If meal planning seems like hard work, you could try one of the meal delivery services. Friends have recommended gousto and hello fresh to me as they save time and no thinking required.

Personally, I cook double of most meals and we have leftovers the next night so only really properly have to cook 2 or 3 times during the working week.

It's only this last 6 months now my Youngest is 2 1/2 that we've managed to get any DIY done!

OP, The one thing that helped in every way was getting fitter.

I was struggling when ds was 3 and I took up running. Rather than making me more tired, getting fitter made everything easier.

I know that sounds daunting, and probably not for you yet, but maybe when your little one is older....

@MintJulia

OP, The one thing that helped in every way was getting fitter.

I was struggling when ds was 3 and I took up running. Rather than making me more tired, getting fitter made everything easier.

I know that sounds daunting, and probably not for you yet, but maybe when your little one is older....

This is interesting. I'm the most unfit i've ever been and do really struggle with toddler pace.

But the issue is being too tired to even contemplate exercise!

OP part time is hard work as the days 'off' are only days out of work, not actually off! Work is easier than several kids!

@MintJulia I have idea when I would find the time to run! Some days I don't even wash my hair coz it takes too long! Maybe when the baby is a couple of years older... I'd love to be fit!

Fitness can be done, if you’re motivated and not too knackered! I run every other day, getting up at 6am and out for 45 minutes then back for a shower before getting the morning routine underway. DH knows on days when I run that he is responsible for the kids should they get up before I am back. Teamwork is essential, there’s little point if one partner is not pulling their weight.

All food shopping on a Saturday. Batch cook Sunday… lasagne etc. Takeaway or super easy dinner (think eggs and beans on toast) a couple of times a week. Cleaners came on a Friday and changed the beds as well as cleaned the house. Kids in after school care.

I feel for you as it's really hard when they are that little Remember you've only just gone back to work and it's a big adjustment so you're finding your feet. Don't be hard on yourself! My husband left (for a woman he worked with ) when my kids were 2 and 5 so I went from PT freelancing to a FT senior, demanding role to make ends meet. 5 years on, I promise you it is doable, although it's always a juggle! My top tips are to get good childcare (I use a local childminder and she is worth her weight in gold!) If you can afford to budget for it, get a cleaner. I would sacrifice a lot of things before I gave up that! Keeps me sane as a lone FT working parent. And finally, don't stress about what your kids eat for tea during the week. Spaghetti hoops, garlic bread, tins of sweetcorn etc anything quick! You can make more effort to cook at the weekend! Good luck x

Firstly it does get easier! Once you’re not washing and sterilising bottles that’s one less job!

We meal plan and online shop on a Wednesday night for it to be delivered on Thursday night.

Make sure the dishwasher goes on every night and gets unloaded while doing the kids breakfast in the morning.

Wash on before you leave every day and then on the airer or dryer same day if you can.

A cleaner does make a difference, but ours comes every three weeks. Cleans bathrooms, dusts, inside windows, hoovers everywhere.

Make sure all bags are ready the night before with clothes sorted too. Then you just need to get dressed, pick your shit up and leave.

At that age you cope and manage the best your can. Once they are older however it will get easier.

Make a plan. Different days for different jobs. Switch up who does them as well like I’ll wash the dishes if you fold the clothes type thing or you bath the children and I’ll mop the floors. Team work.

No DIY is possible unless you have a willing family member to take the kids for a few hours. We took the sides off DS's toddler bed at the weekend which was only possible as he was baking at his Nan's.

I also work 3 days and please do remember that just because you are in the house on your days off, it doen't make, say, the washing up your responsibility. Nursery staff aren't washing dishes, mopping floors or bleaching loos while looking after 2 kids.