AIBU to wonder how working parents do it? Tips from anyone who's got their sh*t together gratefully received!!

[MsFrog]

I've got two DC, 11 months and 3 years. I went back to work 7 weeks ago. My husband works full time, I'm three days. He's great around the house, everything is 50:50.

We are on the brink - every day feels like a stressy mess, especially tea times. We both just work, look after the kids, tidy etc all the time. Feels like firefighting to avoid the house descending into a toy-ridden pit with no clean clothes in sight and ready meals galore!

How do people do it when both partners work? I'm only part time and it still feels undoable! Is this just life with young kids and I'm BU unreasonable to expect much time to relax? The kids aren't the best sleepers, so that doesn't help, but still.

Any practical tips on how to make the weeks easier? Or do we just accept this for now, and reassure ourselves we aren't doing anything wrong?

The key thing is to have a fixed routine where the kids are always in bed by 7 without fights.

Then you have two hours to tidy up, and spend time with your OH before having a full night of sleep.

I used to go to the supermarket just after bed time (with husband with DS of course), exercise, read, clean the house or have people for dinner as long as the routine was working.

Something I have been doing for the last few years that makes a huge difference is cook twice as much what we will eat. That way half goes into the freezer and after a few days you don’t need to cook if you are tired, just pop it in the microwave for a few minutes and concentrate on other things.

My main tips:

Declutter as often as you can - don’t buy storage solutions, keep new items to a minimum. I aim for one in - one out of everything especially clothes.

Have a mental list of 10 minute jobs (pretty much everything can be done in a 10 minute slot such as changing a bed, hoovering 1-2 rooms, cleaning a bathroom -not a deep clean but enough to get by). At the end of the day remind yourself you washed the kitchen floor and changed the kids’ beds, focus on that not the things you didn’t get round to,

Eat really easy basic food. If children in childcare (and later at school) go for school dinners rather than packed lunch.

So have things like baked potatoes (start them off in microwave, finish in oven). Pasta with sauce stirred through. Roast a load of chicken breasts and use the meat for sandwiches, wraps, salads etc. chop up pepper, carrots and cucumber instead of hot veg. Buy steam fresh frozen veg and microwave it.
Buy custard pots and mini rice puddings for a hot pudding, buy cartons of fresh soup.
Convenience food isn’t always junk food.
It’s surprising what you can pick up at the Tesco express. On a bad day get a meal deal with an extra snack. Split the healthy bits with the toddler.

Buy a roll or generic wrapping paper and pack of kids’ birthday cards. Keep with sellotape and scissors in an easy place. For kids’ parties put a fiver in a card and wrap a small token present to go with it (sweets, gel pens).

Lower your standards. I have a cleaner 3 hours per fortnight, she is an angel. So even if the floors and shower only get a quick swipe between cleans it is ok.

If you don’t have a dishwasher or tumble dryer consider getting these.

and the most important thing
If you’re knackered and overwhelmed then STOP.
Take 20 minutes, have a hot drink and write a list of what genuinely MUST be done that day. (Usually food and hygiene related for little ones)
Don’t keep going feeling more irritable and overwhelmed. It’s not fair on you or anyone else.

Eat really easy basic food. Completely agree with this - beans on toast is fine.

I started when ds was asleep in summer evenings. A neighbour watched ds for 15 mins while I jogged round the lanes. I didn't go to a gym. All you need is some trainers and a few minutes

Cleaner - best investion ever

Can you enrol. them for another day into childcare? Or at least. for 1/2 day? That made a huge difference for me. I could get all the. jobs out of the way. where children are in the way.

Lower your standards

I’m exactly the same as you. Yes it IS hard even working ‘just’ 3 days. Don’t feel crap, we’re all in this never ending cycle of hell

I also found things got easier when I improved my fitness. Not much help if you can't find the time though. I batch cook 16 portions and freeze. Slow cooker also good because when shattered you can just chuck the food in and turn on and it turns out fine. I went on a campaign to re wear clothes rather than wash them everytime. It's been a game changer. Get rid of clutter and limit the amount of stuff you allow in the house. More stuff just means more sorting. Cleaner once a fortnight for 3 hours will work a miracle.

Similar situation to you OP though both my kids are a year older. Oldest has ASD and isn't quite as independent as her peers which doesn't help. I never have a day without at least one child at home either.

I really don't have it all together by any means, but I have found that organisation and routine really help.

Washing machine on first thing if I'm home, or set to finish when I return if working. Never skip a day or it gets out of hand.
Hang up asap. Put dishwasher on before bed and empty it before making breakfast. Get a tumble dryer and use it for bedding etc. Put dry clothes away every day. Never iron anything. Quick meals on work days, better ones on days off. Online food order saves loads of time.

Outsource a few things (window cleaning and grass cutting for us)

I try and move their toys every so often so that they don't have too much in the living room. As soon as they get bored with something it goes back to their room for a while.

Even with this I have had to lower my standards and the house looks ok at a quick glance, but I honestly can't remember the last time it had a thorough clean.

Oh yes forgot re-wearing clothes
Obviously not underwear and socks,
Things like cardigans and jeans I wear many times
On desperate days you can often ‘spot clean’ a small spillage on kids’ clothes

Thanks so much for all of these. I'm feeling really low and overwhelmed tonight and reading this thread is really helping

Cleaner weekly (we don’t then clean aside from spills)
Childminder feeds DSs during the week
Change beds one weekend, towels next weekend
Bedtime routine of steel (still in place and DSs are 5 and 9 now)
DH who pulls his weight (we both worked FT which I think helped mentally as it meant nobody felt either of us should be different)
Online shop, I do it at the weekend to be delivered in the week
Take photos of eg party invitation so you can’t lose them. I also reply instantly so it’s done
Generally, if it can be done in less than 10 minutes I just do it. When DSs were babies they loved being in a sling so I did lots like that. When they were bigger they ‘helped’. If they’re cooperating they’re now genuinely helpful (eg can set table apart from reaching down things)

@MsFrog
Hang in there
I find it’s worse with the pressure of the 25th about to be upon us
Focus on literally the basics today even if you have to set your alarm 5 minutes earlier in the morning
Can you finish up whatever is desperate for tonight and take a hot drink to bed. I find hot squash/Ribena comforting. Maybe watch something mindless - I like Gavin and Stacey x

It's a long time since mine were little, but my tips would be:
Online food shop
Clean the bathroom whilst the 3 year old is in the bath, you're there, you can chat and supervise, just give the bath a quick wipe over after they're out
I paid for ironing, a much hated job! Clothes came back beautifully folded though didn't always make it to the drawers...
Pay for occasional extra childcare on your days 'off' so you can get on with the bigger jobs or even some of the diy

How about changing your working pattern and doing the same hours over 5 days so that you have all the afternoons free and have some time each day where you can get a few jobs done rather than trying to do everything when you arent working.

If you are home earlier doing dinner and bedtime isnt going to be so rushed either and you might not be so stressed which could help you focus more on the tasks to be done.

Barring that I think you need to get some chuldcare for the kids on your days off so that you have some time to take care of the jobs around the house without distractions.

My tips:

Do the washing and then hang full outfits on a hanger, so on one hanger goes trousers, tshirt, jumper and pants over the hook? That way in the morning you just grab a hanger and a pair of socks and you're ready to get them dressed.

If you do lunchboxes, we have 3 plastic boxes on the dining room table, 1x crisp type snacks, 1x fruit bar/shapes, 1 x fruit/veg (mini cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, satsumas, apples usually) In the morning I grab one thing from each box, add a dairy thing from the fridge and fill her a bottle of water.

We have a collapsible laundry basket, just before bed I uncollapse it, fill it with whatever toys/clothes she's left in her wake and then we take it up to her room and put it away.. collapse the basket again and stash it till the next day.

The second I hear about any event/activity/deadline I add it to our shared calendar and set reminders.

I worked FT with 3 dcs.
Accept that you cant do everything.
Lower your standards.
Do less - particularly laundry!! things can be worn more than once!
A dusty house wont kill anyone.

It is really hard. I let alot if things go ie tidying and cooking from scratch. We have to prioritise. I never compromis on homework or bedtime stories. Ever. But I might not hover daily. Or we eat frozen or ready meals at
times. I don't sweat the small stuff. I am not claiming to have all the answers but we do prioritise love, being present (no answering work emails at bedime) and readining. I wish my house was prestine and tidy. I wish I could do pilates 5 days a week. I wish my boys were in to crafts, piano and did handwriting for fun. I wish i cooked lentils and organic stews and walked everywhere. But I am doing what I can. My husband is talking what he can. We are on the same team. Live and let live.

OP I hear you, we’re in the middle of renovating our house and it’s hard.

Things that help here:

• cleaner weekly (she does upstairs one week, downstairs the next - we tidy before she comes so all she does is clean!)
• online shop weekly - it is more expensive but we don’t have as many treats
• batch cook / slow cooker for in the week meals, we have a very boring rotation of same dinners but I can’t worry about that
• tidy each night before bed and put dishwasher on, after bedtime this was key to feeling under control for us
• put washing on each morning
• robot hoover (got it on Black Friday) goes on after dinner time usually everyday
• summer we have a guy who cuts the grass for us
• weekend nap time was always house filing / admin

DH does most of our DIY but once a month I would make it family time, usually a walk somewhere for ice cream - even if it’s just a morning as otherwise life felt dull and stressful.

I have never figured out putting away washing / ironing so fail on that front regularly, but it doesn’t bother me now - or any self care things like the gym or clubs, etc. Spend time getting through the drudge!

Similar situation here.

I work 4 days. DH full time.
Two kids 2 and 4. Nursery 3 days a week. One day with dparents and one day with me.
We have a cleaner. Every other week. They change beds and clean house top to bottom. They have a rota (they put it in place not me) so every 4th time they’ll deep clean dishwasher and extractor. That sort of thing. £64 for 4 hours every 2 weeks.

In terms of the logistics I try and get as much done as possible when I have 5 minutes. Literally. 5-10 minutes sometimes makes all the difference.

Using this evening as an example. Got home at 6. Did dinner for DH and me (he did that). Kids in bath. While bath was running I did a quick tidy of bathroom and emptied bin (bin day tomorrow).
While in bath I folded laundry. Sat on landing in bathroom doorway whilst supervising bath.
When DH came up and did jammies with the kids I put their laundry away. Mines still in the basket on bedroom floor.

I did nursery bags. And those are in the car now. I took them out when I took the bin out.

Dishwasher loaded and on. (Will empty in the morning).

Tomorrow I’ll get up at 545 for some time by my self. Then will empty dishwasher to start losing it with breakfast things and Will empty the washing machine and throw another load in on timer. To finish when we get home.

1 DC and 4 days pw. I throw money at it & wfh helps.

Cleaner comes two hours per week & hoovers, mops, wipes, two bathrooms & downstairs toilet, plus kitchen clean. We get a deep clean and oven clean from them once a year.

Laundry is done on the days I wfh (Monday & Friday). I load it up the night before and do delayed start so it’s ready to hang out in the morning. We use a heated clothes horse.

I have a delivery pass with Sainsburys & get food delivered every Monday morning. Meal planning is done through my notes app on my phone & I add ideas throughout the week. I do something like a curry or spag bol at least once a week so I’m not cooking every night. Plus DH does his fair share.

Bags packed & clothes picked out the night before. Big factor is that DH does half the nights that 1 yo DC wakes up at night. Plus probably only having 1 DC hugely helps!

You're at the hardest possible stage, it does get easier.
We didn't eat brilliantly at that stage, the kids were fed at nursery and we had a lot of quick and easy meals. I rarely changed bedsheets as often as I should have done. Online shop once a week so at least there was some food, even if it wasn't exactly what everyone wanted, and if we were really struggling just reorder the previous shop and see what arrived

You're not really seeing the benefits of being PT because dc still need looking after. Once the eldest is in school running errands with just the youngest will feel like a holiday!

All these practical tips and examples are great - giving me ideas and also reinforcing that I already do a lot of this stuff and it just has to be enough. I will try to get more organised, especially with food.

@Lndnmummy your post sums up how I want to feel, and I'm going to try and get there x

Go out on your days off. I used to do two trips out a day with DD, one in the morning (usually a dog walk) and one in the afternoon (just dawdling to the shop/park or NT place). If you’re out of the house, the mess is reduced. We also used to tidy twice a day - toys away just before lunch and then again at bedtime.

A laundry basket and toothbrushing materials downstairs as well as upstairs helped.

It’s fucking mental, though, OP. Just get through it. My DD was up at 5 am every sodding morning from the age of 18 months to 8 years old. Drink coffee in the morning, gin in the evening and remember it comes to an end. And then you’ll miss it!

Look after yourself. X

My tip is work out what fits with you and your family. I have never been super regimated and although I put left overs in the freezer, batch cooking would never work for me. I cook from scratch often but sometimes it is beans on toast. My house is chaotic but always the acceptable side of clean, I cannot afford a cleaner. I will choose a day out at the weekend over staying at home cleaning the house, we will never get this time back.

As someone who works with children and now a widow which I mentioned earlier, unless the state of the house is an actual risk- children value parents spending time with them and not being stressed. Parents (usually women) seem to totally dismiss the impact their stressing over tiny things has on their children. My mum stressed about household things which really did not matter. I realise now that she was a total martyr who would not take advise. I recognised I was starting to repeat this pattern of being 'put out' and taking on a role expected as a mother. Honestly we are fine and my now teen is a very balanced and independent young person.

Every day is a "stress mess" then, occasionally, everyone is laughing and it's all wonderful. Then you start again ❤️