AIBU to wonder how working parents do it? Tips from anyone who's got their sh*t together gratefully received!!

[MsFrog]

I've got two DC, 11 months and 3 years. I went back to work 7 weeks ago. My husband works full time, I'm three days. He's great around the house, everything is 50:50.

We are on the brink - every day feels like a stressy mess, especially tea times. We both just work, look after the kids, tidy etc all the time. Feels like firefighting to avoid the house descending into a toy-ridden pit with no clean clothes in sight and ready meals galore!

How do people do it when both partners work? I'm only part time and it still feels undoable! Is this just life with young kids and I'm BU unreasonable to expect much time to relax? The kids aren't the best sleepers, so that doesn't help, but still.

Any practical tips on how to make the weeks easier? Or do we just accept this for now, and reassure ourselves we aren't doing anything wrong?

As a PP said, you are in the trenches. It will never be harder than this and it WILL get easier. When I look back to those days, I realise I was way too hard on myself - I was applying the standards of being a childfree professional to being a working parent of a small child. Madness! Be kind to yourself and remind yourself often that you are doing a brilliant job. Not enough people will tell you that so you need to tell yourself xxx

My theory is;

Glass balls - things you CANNOT drop as they will smash. Like pick up times and having clean clothes.

Bouncy balls - washing up, hoovering. Nothing bad will happen if you drop them.

It keeps me sane x

@Oblomov21

I'm wondering why you are struggling on only 3 days. I did 3 days for 15 years and it was fine. I was very organised, but had plenty of time to get all housework and cooking done. Which bits are you finding hard?

This is not helpful. It's patronising. And i suspect it's a case of looking back with rose tinted specs. Don't listen Op. it's hard and my house is a shit tip if I take my foot off the gas for a second, keeping it vaguely presentable is HARD. You aren't failing or falling short, that's just the reality of family life these days. We do so much and expect so much due to unrealistic expectations that are presented as achievable. They're not. Unless you want to run yourself into the ground. Accept lower standards and congratulate yourself on every small win. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

The people who say they wake at 6 to get jobs done clearly have forgotten what it's like to have little ones... 3yo DS wakes at 5.

Team TOMM, batch cook and meal plan. Get a supermarket delivery if you don't alr

You are all so lovely, and have really saved my mood from slipping down the rabbit hole xx

@Royalbloo

My theory is;

Glass balls - things you CANNOT drop as they will smash. Like pick up times and having clean clothes.

Bouncy balls - washing up, hoovering. Nothing bad will happen if you drop them.

It keeps me sane x

Love this ☺️

@soughsigh

The people who say they wake at 6 to get jobs done clearly have forgotten what it's like to have little ones... 3yo DS wakes at 5.

Team TOMM, batch cook and meal plan. Get a supermarket delivery if you don't alr

I'm not getting up at 6 for anyone 😀. My 3 year old is currently waking at 6.50am and I am savouring every last minute of that sleep in case he starts deciding that 5am is acceptable.

Ummm.... you will struggle to get stuff done on the days you aren't working with children that young!

I also need to learn to stress less about mess. It drives me up the wall when the kids toys aren’t put away properly. But. That’s a me issue. The big part I sometimes miss is that toys are away. Abs relatively tidy. So does it matter if puzzles are mixed in with legos? Not really.

Haven’t read all the replies but I’m following as I’m in the exact same situation. Two under 3 and about to go back to work, can’t afford childcare for both kids full time so we are both doing compressed hours - working 4 long days each and then each having both DC one of the weekdays. I’m having them on Tuesdays and DH will have them on Thursdays so we only have to pay for Mon/Weds/Fri childcare. But we have to work 35 hours over 4 days to make it add up which is tricky and I’m worried we’re just going to be exhausted. Mine don’t sleep either so that will be fun.

What @AppleCrumbleForBreakfast said!!!!

Oh also when people say why can’t you do jobs on your days off,,, it’s because you’re looking after a baby and toddler! You won’t achieve anything during the day so don’t expect to. At the very most you will be able to keep on top of the mess they make that day, but I doubt you’ll be able to make a dent in any other significant jobs other than maybe putting on a wash and sticking it in the tumble dryer.

Clean / tidy little and often

You've only been back at work 7 weeks. I'm sure you'll be in the groove soon

What’s also hugely helped is having a clear out.

Got rid of a load of stuff, selling clothes & sticking stuff on FB Marketplace. Means that there are just fewer things to make a mess with & everything is more likely to have a place, therefore be tidier.

We use a toy subscription website for DC for example, so we just rotate his toys when he gets too big or bored, rather than have them taking up room.

One more thought, can you leave your kids with other people with kids for a couple of hours? We have a couple of reciprocal arrangements on a semi regular basis. I actually find it easier when we have other kids at ours. I find the behaviour much better and they're occupied. And when we send our kids off to other houses it's absolute bliss.

You're still deep in the trenches with DC that young. Mine were a good bit older when I went back to work and I still found it a stressy mess initially. They were always cranky and hangry when we got home from the CM. Honestly I let my house go to shit in order to get some down time, covid meant very few visitors so I let it all go. I'm usually a bit of a neat freak and love a tidy house but I love time to myself more so I prioritized that until we got into the swing of things.

Being organised I’m afraid, nowt exciting!! Things I do is make packed lunch the evening before, when cooking dinner as all food is out already. Clean the toilet and sink when the kids are in the bath so I can chat/keep an eye on them but clean the bathroom at the same time. Fill the washing basket each day with a light or dark load and do a wash most days. Use my slow cooker a lot and freeze leftovers so on super late nights I can get it out of the freezer. Have frozen veg in so I can add to some pasta and a stir in sauce for a bit of a quick dinner 😬! Always have beans in for beans on toast when in a rush with some cheese. I get uniform out the night before at the end of their beds, school bags are on the table packed the night before and reading logs filled in the night before.
Some nights though I just sit and drink wine and have a panic in the morning 😂!!

Lower your expectations.
Accept that your house might look / feel like a tip for a few days, you can always tidy up at the weekend when kids are napping or playing.

Pack bags and sort clothes the evening before.

Have quick easy “cupboard” dinners always in stock (I really dislike frozen batch cooked stuff but obvs some people prefer that)

Have your work clothes prepped and a standard routine for your work days - think staple wardrobe of lots of matching or complimentary items, so you don’t have to spend time choosing outfits in the morning, just grab and go.

Use bath times as a time to do quick jobs, so one of us will do the bath time whilst the other tidies round downstairs and whips hoover over or puts clean clothes away, it’s easier and quicker to do little jobs whilst kids are occupied

Honestly though accepting the limitations is the easiest way to get through this stage, as long as everyone is clean, fed and happy then that’s enough. Cleaning the house and keeping on top of life admin can be fitted in as and when needed

I didn’t manage it. Im a sahm and still find it hard. Things which made my life easier

• don’t iron except for work clothes if necessary
• write a 3 week meal plan, you dont have to stick to it but its there to make life easier
• ready made mash, frozen chopped onions, frozen veg
• keep a shared note list with your OH, one of all rhe repetitive calendar event, eg January- MOT due, Jenny’s birthday (amazon for everything), bleed radiators. Another of running to do list with who is going to do it eg Buy Jenny birthday gift (me), ring handyman (dh). Review lists once a week, dont worry if somethings never seem to get done
• buy kids clothes from on supermarket online. Child A is about to outgrow clothes then do one big clothes order with Sainsbury
• gift yourself a regular handyman couple of days work every 6 months/year. Batch up all the jobs and get them done in one go.
• clean
• gather up half the toys and put them in the loft or out the way for a few months and rotate.
• assuming you’re not having anymore kids then sell/pass on all baby clothes and toys as they’re outgrown.

This time next year it will be easier.

Sounds like you’re doing an amazing job in the circumstances. It’s hard with little ones and I can’t imagine how difficult it is to go back to work in a pandemic. The things that helped me (and appreciate they might not suit everyone) when mine we a similar age were paying for a sleep trainer and moving from 3 days at work to 4. Hang in there, it does get easier!

I have NFI. I don't work but can barely keep on top of things. DH works insane hours so everything falls to me. Toddler at nursery but not very often, and with Covid etc I have weeks where they didn't go at all.

Being organised is definitely key. But I'm about to go to bed with the kitchen a mess, there is wet washing in the machine which will need to go through again before I hang it out tomorrow, and I had to kick a path through the toys to the sofa this evening so I could collapse for 30 minutes after the kids finally went to bed.

We have bad sleep here too and on the odd occasions both of mine have slept the whole night for a few nights in a row, I feel like super-woman. I think having decent sleep and 2 of 3 hours in the evening to sort the house really is the key. Right now one of mine is up until about 9, they're both up once or twice each, then the other is up for the day at 5am. No wonder I can barely function!

@MsFrog have hugs from me. I could've written your post except my kids are slightly older.

I work 3 days a week and still find it overwhelming at times. What does make it easier is a cleaner 3 hours each week ( she's wonderful and tidies too!!) and we have hello fresh or gousto each week. We order the box for 4 people which feeds 2/3 adults plus the 2 kids. It usually leaves a portion for lunch too which helps.

Interestingly since i ordered hello fresh etc, our food shop is cheaper each week and I don't have to think about what we eat. After school/nursery can be a bit overwhelming. There's not much time to get dinner ready and get them ready for bed. But it's ok. This week we haven't ordered hello fresh and tbh it's horrendous. I hate thinking about what we will have for tea.

Anyway. Solidarity. It's hard. Great for those who find it easy but there's plenty of us who don't! I do find it a lot easier to have much less stuff and do a lot of decluttering.

Oh and I just remembered - something that does make it a little easier is doing a job whilst boiling the kettle. Wiping the sides, shoving a load in the washer, bleaching the sink - whatever really. I always try and do something in that time.

We are lucky (also only 1 dc), I work 9-5 and do school drop off, dh works 7-3 and does pick up. We have a cleaner and split tasks well, play to strengths, it has been working really well for years now, I have time to exercise and socialise, dh and ds enjoy walking as a hobby, we seem to have a good balance of family time.

Dh was already wfh, I was previously in office with total flexibility to wfh but now I am going to hybrid (currently back to wfh) I have taken the spare room as an office so we have an office each and it is even easier family wise with wfh, will be really happy when eventually back in 2 days a week.

Just really lucky and have found our stride, the cleaner is a godsend.

I second the tasks while boiling a kettle, I can do a full tidy downor empty dishwasher of so recycling etc in that time.