Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people can be patronising arsehole when you are struggling to conceive?

90 replies

ttcpatronisers · 19/12/2021 23:04

Just that really. I had a friend say something very patronising and giving insulting to me the other day.

She knows I've had losses and and TTC but randomly brings it up in conversation in the post Awkward way - asking if I'm pregnant randomly and it just pissed me off.

Why do people turn into patronising fuckers when someone is trying to conceive?

If you're one of them, please stop.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 19/12/2021 23:05

What did they say? Was it relax? Or just get drunk and it’ll happen? Maybe book a holiday?

People want to be helpful but they say ridiculously unhelpful things.

PriamFarrl · 19/12/2021 23:07

Did you know that by law you can punch in the face anyone who tells you to relax or gives you a story about their friend’s mum’s hairdresser? No court in the land will convict you.

Original poster
ttcpatronisers · 19/12/2021 23:07

@PurpleDaisies just asking if I'm pregnant yet and then asking randomly if situations have upset me because there's children around when I've not indicated it bothers me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ttcpatronisers · 19/12/2021 23:08

@PriamFarrl 😂

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 19/12/2021 23:09

What did she say when you told her to stop?

Original poster
ttcpatronisers · 19/12/2021 23:10

@WorraLiberty I didn't ask to stop. I'm just silently pissed about it. I just worry that if I never conceive my life will be full of patronising bullshit like this.

Society and people can be fuckers about parenthood.

OP posts:
BurntO · 19/12/2021 23:12

I don’t know anyone I’d call a friend who would do that

TheDaydreamBelievers · 19/12/2021 23:13

Yup - come chat on the conception board and we can moan about alllllll the patronising, incorrect, insulting bingo bullshit people say!

My personal least favourites:
Have you tried just relaxing?
Are you having enough sex?
We just got drunk!

Yes I am salty. Coming up for 2 years trying and I have a right to be

Thirtytimesround · 19/12/2021 23:13

Yanbu. When I first started struggling to ttc, a woman I vaguely knew was in similar situation as well. She conceived, I didn’t. Every time I saw her after that she greeted me with “Are you pregnant yet?” Instead of ‘hello’. Had to ditch her in the end.

Even close friends would mumble “It’ll happen, try acupuncture/ a holiday / reflexology / essential oils.”

No one understands except women who have been in that position.

Original poster
ttcpatronisers · 19/12/2021 23:14

Yes it's fucking annoying - and upsetting you almost feel like you've become the butt of jokes or the pity of the party

OP posts:
2toastornot2toast · 19/12/2021 23:20

A mutual friend started giving advice to my cousin. Basically relax , dont think about it and it will happen. My cousin has an actual medical condition, just seemed so ridiculous

StoneofDestiny · 19/12/2021 23:59

Not much of a friend! However - I'd tell her it is upsetting you and that they need to stop.

Allsortsofroses · 20/12/2021 00:11

She sounds extremely insensitive.

Maybe not great friend material.

Phrenologistsfinger · 20/12/2021 00:11

If going on holiday could get you pregnant, all the fertility clinics would be travel agents!

It takes more than just “one good one”.

Relaxing makes bugger all difference. As does pomegranate juice.

Keep your smug fecund face away from me.

Viviennemary · 20/12/2021 00:15

If you don't want people to comment then it would probably be best not to bring the subject up at all. People probably dont know what to say so end up saying the wrong thing.

CurbsideProphet · 20/12/2021 00:18

Even my dentist told me that my IVF will definitely work if I "just relax" 🙄😩🤬

DBI78 · 20/12/2021 00:25

It is normal to ask women if they are pregnant (yet)/have children and to question why not if they don't. This needs to stop it reinforces stereotypes and expectations that women must have children. It's also cruel to people who cannot conceive/carry a baby. Conception/pregnancy and choice to have children are all personal to the individual and should not have to be discussed with others as social norm!

5foot5 · 20/12/2021 00:30

Don't know what else to say other than I recognise your pain.

When we were TTC, and before we started getting fertility treatment, there was one family member (yes you SIL) who would keep asking when we would be producing a little cousin for DN. We kept doing the laugh it off routine but really, how insensitive!

As it turns out by the time we had been through the whole business, had IVF and finally had our DD, SIL and BIL had had a monumental bust up with the rest of the family and gone NC so our DD never met and probably will never meet that particular cousib

LittleRoundRobin · 20/12/2021 00:33

JUST RELAX! And you will get pregnant. SIMPLES! Grin

Yep, YANBU @ttcpatronisers!!!

bumbleymummy · 20/12/2021 00:36

Ugh, yeah, it’s not great. Some people can say things offhand without realising that it’s upsetting but if she knows your circumstances then it’s really not on.

GreenClock · 20/12/2021 00:42

Someone on here (a mother) once told an OP who was dealing with infertility that at least she could have cream carpets if she wanted.

And when other posters rightly explained that the comment was insensitive, she failed to apologise - instead she became defensive and said she was merely pointing out the positives of a childfree life. Imagine not being mortified in that scenario! If I’d said something so daft ( unlikely) I’d be saying sorry to the OP.

BritWifeInUSA · 20/12/2021 05:38

[quote ttcpatronisers]@WorraLiberty I didn't ask to stop. I'm just silently pissed about it. I just worry that if I never conceive my life will be full of patronising bullshit like this.

Society and people can be fuckers about parenthood. [/quote]
If you don’t ask her to stop and if you don’t tell her that it’s not very nice she won’t know and she’ll likely carry on.

As to whether your life will be full of patronizing bullshit, it won’t. We gave up after over 20 years of TTC and have resigned ourselves to a childless life. But people around us don’t even mention it or ask anything. By the time you’re in your late 40s (as I am), your circle of friends will have grown up considerably.

HeyFloof · 20/12/2021 06:45

Yeah, people don't get it. And it's meaninglessness platitudes so they've got something to say.

We're two years in, two lots of second trimester baby ashes from TFMRs, 1 MMC and a chemical pregnancy, and my DM still said "if you just relax, it'll happen when you're least expecting it".

Diditopknot · 20/12/2021 06:54

My favourite is said with such knowledgeable authority by so many fuckers is that “you are super fertile after a miscarriage “.
Ok so how come it can take me up to 18 months to conceive after all of my many many miscarriages then genius?
2 years one time.

So irritating but I was very sensitive to anything said around the subject, probably reacted to stuff that wouldn’t normally bother me.

whywouldntyou · 20/12/2021 07:05

@CurbsideProphet

Even my dentist told me that my IVF will definitely work if I "just relax" 🙄😩🤬
How the hell would your dentist know you're TTC?? 😳

We never told anyone we were TTC which immediately stops all the 'helpful advice'