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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people can be patronising arsehole when you are struggling to conceive?

90 replies

ttcpatronisers · 19/12/2021 23:04

Just that really. I had a friend say something very patronising and giving insulting to me the other day.

She knows I've had losses and and TTC but randomly brings it up in conversation in the post Awkward way - asking if I'm pregnant randomly and it just pissed me off.

Why do people turn into patronising fuckers when someone is trying to conceive?

If you're one of them, please stop.

OP posts:
spotcheck · 20/12/2021 07:12

[quote ttcpatronisers]@PurpleDaisies just asking if I'm pregnant yet and then asking randomly if situations have upset me because there's children around when I've not indicated it bothers me.

[/quote]
But you're upset that she is trying to be sensitive?
Can you not just say ' I'm fine, thank you for your concern- I'll let you know if something bothers me'.

Use the power of speech!

EishetChayil · 20/12/2021 07:12

Two tips:

  1. Don't tell anyone you're TTC, least of all randoms like your dentist.
  1. If you do tell people, and they say dumb shit, pull them up on it. It's good practise for standing up for yourself/your eventual child.
TheGoogleMum · 20/12/2021 07:19

I think people usually mean well but yes say really stupid things!

PurpleDaisies · 20/12/2021 07:21

If you do tell people, and they say dumb shit, pull them up on it. It's good practise for standing up for yourself/your eventual child.

This is dumb shit. I very much hope the op does go on to conceive. Not everyone does. It is insensitive to be talking about an eventual child that may not exist.

PurpleDaisies · 20/12/2021 07:22

Sorry I meant to only bold the second sentence. Telling people to call others out on dumb shit then immediately following it with dumb shit is a new one for me.

QuiltedHippo · 20/12/2021 07:29

Not my post but I had to tell my dentist as I was getting some dental treatment during IVF treatment so I had to make sure I wasn't given anything inappropriate. I think you should feel safe to share with other medical professional without getting shit advice!

Diditreallylookawful · 20/12/2021 07:48

My personal favourite.- 'Are you sure you're doing it right?'

randomchap · 20/12/2021 07:58

I remember comments like

"Have you tried this, have you tried that, have you tried this other thing?"
"Well this worked for me, that worked for them etc."
"Maybe it's natures way of saying you're not ready for another one"
"I don't know what's so hard about it, we get pregnant really easily"

Fuck off, struggling to conceive is hard enough without fucking ridiculous comments.

All the best

Copasetic · 20/12/2021 07:58

I’ve now got 3 children aged 27, 19 and 11. I had the first (conceiving on the first month with chromic) with infertility treatment and again the second. In between them I had some miscarriages and various infertily treatments but got there in the end. The 8 years later, I conceive naturally - I have polycistic ovaries. What I hate (probably quite irrationally!) is that people always say “see as soon as you relaxed, you got pregnant”. In reality once I had my first child I was always relaxed. I went into it thinking “I’ve a family now so anything else is a bonus”. I never wanted an only child but I wasn’t stressed about it. How I finally got pregnant with my second was because of different treatment that finally worked and with my last, my hormones adjusted just before I went into the menopause enough for me to “start” my periods at age 40 and therefore I conceived. It was nothing to do with not being or being stressed! As I said, probably irrational that it annoys me so much!

Bwix · 20/12/2021 08:04

Brew it’s a long time ago for me but I remember this. YANBU to feel The Rage

And good luck ttc. We were eventually referred to fertility clinic after 18m but had to wait so long for the appointment that I got pg by then Smile. All the best with your journey to parenthood.

AnyFucker · 20/12/2021 08:08

“you can have one of ours…”
< gestures towards rabble of ill-behaved ratbags >

Grr

Nineteen2ten · 20/12/2021 08:14

Very few people knew we were ttc but of those that did, one 'friend' had an abundance of very (un)helpful advice. She became an expert on my medical condition. I told her we had put our baby plans on hold to save for a bigger house and a trip, she stopped asking about it.

USaYwHatNow · 20/12/2021 08:31

We conceived, but subsequently miscarried, our first baby on our first 'try'. As I have PCOS, I appreciate how lucky I was to be able to get pregnant and I was so happy for those two short weeks.

What I didn't expect, from one friend in particular was:

'well at least now you know you can get pregnant'

'at least it was early'

'just get drunk and it'll happen'

'you really need to stop overthinking things'

'just have a drink and relax, and stop overthinking everything'

'has it worked yet?'

Among other variations. She was exhausting and I told her to stop as she was making me uncomfortable.

Now if she asks I just say that I'm not talking about it.

Moiraroseswigs · 20/12/2021 08:38

I told my dentist recently I'm having fertility treatment as he was putting a treatment plan in place that involves several steps and I thought he should know that I wouldn't be able to have x rays or some treatments after a certain point. Saying you shouldn't tell a medical professional you're TTC is a bit much, it could be relevant. It's not like I just decided to pour my heart out to him.

Original poster
ttcpatronisers · 20/12/2021 08:38

I just have no idea how people do this. I had one person recently say 'are you not going to have children' - I honestly couldn't believe it.

It was even a friend it was a distant colleague - I was so stunned I just said 'maybe someday' as I hadn't had time to think of a witty fuck you response.

Some People are crazy.

OP posts:
Original poster
ttcpatronisers · 20/12/2021 08:39

@Moiraroseswigs I agree, medical professionals should be professional enough to not what and what not to say in these situations.

OP posts:
Corbally · 20/12/2021 08:43

But how do all these people know you are trying to conceive??

I have absolutely no difficulty in believing in the capacity of virtual strangers to crass, insensitive comments — I had the comments on a semi-regular basis when I was contentedly childfree and then again when people asked about when we would have another child and said we weren’t — but don’t tell anyone anything about your private life, surely!

Original poster
ttcpatronisers · 20/12/2021 08:45

@Corbally

But how do all these people know you are trying to conceive??

I have absolutely no difficulty in believing in the capacity of virtual strangers to crass, insensitive comments — I had the comments on a semi-regular basis when I was contentedly childfree and then again when people asked about when we would have another child and said we weren’t — but don’t tell anyone anything about your private life, surely!

This post is referring to a very close friend.

The random comment about when I'm having children was by someone who I've never discussed it with they just randomly bought it up.

When you get to mid thirties and have no kids but are married sadly it invites these types of comments even if you don't instigate it

OP posts:
DeclareThePenniesOnYourEyes · 20/12/2021 08:50

I struggled to conceive DD1 and got a lot of this. The “just relax and it’ll happen” stuff made me want to punch a wall. Or people saying things like “he only has to look at me and I fall pregnant” (MIL I’m talking to you).

Luckily, my own mother was a good source of comfort at this time as she struggled to conceive me. I remember her saying “People come out with such patronising bollocks, I half expected them to check that I knew what I needed to do in order to get pregnant!”

Sorry you’re going through this @ttcpatronisers. People are knobs.

Cavagirl · 20/12/2021 09:06

@ttcpatronisers

I just have no idea how people do this. I had one person recently say 'are you not going to have children' - I honestly couldn't believe it.

It was even a friend it was a distant colleague - I was so stunned I just said 'maybe someday' as I hadn't had time to think of a witty fuck you response.

Some People are crazy.

Witty responses to this gem gratefully received here too please!!!
PurpleDaisies · 20/12/2021 09:15

Witty is pointless.

I just go with “that’s a very personal question to ask” followed by a death stare. Don’t engage with it.

CurbsideProphet · 20/12/2021 09:41

@whywouldntyou
@EishetChayil

The dentist had fitted me in to check a toothache. I was injecting hormones everyday, so when they asked if I was taking any new medication I told them. I assumed a HCP would give a sensible response ie "sorry to hear that, hope it goes well for you".

Totallydefeated · 20/12/2021 09:48

The nosey questions are rude and insensitive and can be given short shrift. The ones where they make suggestions are usually just them trying to help, while being completely clueless as to what you’re feeling. It’s hard to be on the receiving end of them, though.

WineIsMyMainVice · 20/12/2021 09:51

I feel your pain. DH and I took 7 years ttc. I remember the pain so well. The sympathetic looks and downright embarrassing conversations where people actually thought it was ok to ask intimate questions about our sex life and if we were “trying hard enough“!!!

Comingup · 20/12/2021 10:28

People are just awful with what they say in this scenario, it's like they have free license to say what the hell they want. Why is that? Surely in any other circumstances they'd be more sensitive. I used to hate the " oh it WILL happen eventually ". Well yes it did but for countless others it may not.