To think people can be patronising arsehole when you are struggling to conceive?

[ttcpatronisers]

Just that really. I had a friend say something very patronising and giving insulting to me the other day.

She knows I've had losses and and TTC but randomly brings it up in conversation in the post Awkward way - asking if I'm pregnant randomly and it just pissed me off.

Why do people turn into patronising fuckers when someone is trying to conceive?

If you're one of them, please stop.

@Viviennemary

If you don't want people to comment then it would probably be best not to bring the subject up at all. People probably dont know what to say so end up saying the wrong thing.

But why do people feel the need to say anything other than simply offering sympathy and support? Why the need to offer trite “advice”which is nearly always unhelpful, or anecdotes about relatives “who just stopped trying”? Just why?

[quote ttcpatronisers]@PurpleDaisies just asking if I'm pregnant yet and then asking randomly if situations have upset me because there's children around when I've not indicated it bothers me.

[/quote]
"If I am lucky enough to get pregnant, I'll tell you when I'm ready. You know this is a difficult topic so stop interrogating me about it."

"Of course I'm not upset because there are children here. I'm upset you keep insisting that I somehow ought to be ... stop it, it's intrusive & patronising".

As she has persisted with this awful line of probing & questioning for a while OP, I'd say you can't really be too blunt when you finally tell her to back off. It's not the behaviour of a friend, is it - constantly drawing attention to a subject that is painful for you & none of her fucking business.

@Viviennemary

If you don't want people to comment then it would probably be best not to bring the subject up at all. People probably dont know what to say so end up saying the wrong thing.

Please at least read the initial post properly.

The entire problem is caused because this so-called friend constantly brings the subject up.
OP isn't marching about informing randoms whether she's pregnant or not. This woman is point blank demanding to know, & insinuating that OP must be upset around children.

Yes, often people don’t understand and end up saying insensitive things.

At the same time, you almost certainly will say insensitive things to other people who are in other situations that you do not understand. We all do it.

@GiveYourHeadAWobble

Yes, often people don’t understand and end up saying insensitive things.

At the same time, you almost certainly will say insensitive things to other people who are in other situations that you do not understand. We all do it.

This is exactly my opinion.

Suggesting bloody acupuncture. Oh and blaming stress. Grrrrrrr. Best to ignore though. People are only trying to help.

Ugh www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4431020-If-you-dont-have-or-cant-have-children-how-do-you-bring-joy-into-your-life#prettyPhoto/0/

I used to smile politely and say things like 'we're working on it'.
This response became tiresome and more upsetting as one year of TTC rolled into another.
Now, I say something along the lines of 'we've been trying for years and even with the help of science, we've had no success and it breaks my heart every day'.
It sounds a little harsh but I kind of enjoy the awkwardness now (they feel awkward, not me). If people choose to ask personal questions, receiving a hard hitting response might just shame them into thinking twice before asking you or someone else ever again!

Omg I’ve had some absolute howlers post my loss (all family):

Comparing my MC haemorrhage to their post partum bleeding

“You’ll have a baby when the time is right.”

“We were very lucky we got to have all of our children exactly when we wanted…you probably don’t want to hear that.”

“It’s nature’s way of saying something isn’t right.”

“Relax and focus on something else”

Now when people give me the old “you’ve got all this to come” I just say “yes we’d love children but I’ve had two miscarriages sadly.” I think it’s good for more people to know it happens and I personally feel ok sharing, though I know it’s not the same for everyone.

If you relax it'll happen arghhhhhhhjhhh

I'm a lesbian and I had the 'just relax it'll happen when you least expect it' comments, from people who know I'm gay. Why - would relaxing suddenly make my wife start producing sperm?

Mind, I also got 'was it planned?' when I did announce a pregnancy, so I really don't know how people think lesbians reproduce.

Heard of all these!!! And I got super angry/annoyed about it at the time.

Although it is somewhat ironic that when i did do x, y and z as suggested it happened (basically, relaxing and not giving a f about it anymore)

I honestly do think the body is a stubborn so and so that thinks, nah, I'm doing that whilst you're so focused!

In fairness though, It's difficult to know what to say. I'd opt for not telling anyone you're actually trying or even letting them know you want a baby. That definitely takes the pressure off everyone. If people feel you're obsessed about it, they're somewhat obliged to ask how it's going??

@Bloballbovish

I'm a lesbian and I had the 'just relax it'll happen when you least expect it' comments, from people who know I'm gay. Why - would relaxing suddenly make my wife start producing sperm?

Mind, I also got 'was it planned?' when I did announce a pregnancy, so I really don't know how people think lesbians reproduce.

Was it planned? Who would say that to anyone anyway? I wouldn’t say that to a straight couple!

@WutheringMights

I used to smile politely and say things like 'we're working on it'. This response became tiresome and more upsetting as one year of TTC rolled into another. Now, I say something along the lines of 'we've been trying for years and even with the help of science, we've had no success and it breaks my heart every day'. It sounds a little harsh but I kind of enjoy the awkwardness now (they feel awkward, not me). If people choose to ask personal questions, receiving a hard hitting response might just shame them into thinking twice before asking you or someone else ever again!

Completely agree with this and I've thought about giving a similar response.

Or after more years of losing patience I might just start blurting out ' are you fucking stupid? if I wanted kids I'd have had them dont you think!!??'

@ChargingBuck thank you, you're exactly right I hadn't bought it up my friend did

It does feel like TTC or infertility is one of those topics people do feel they can say what they want about and be insensitive.

People seem to be able to use their brain and be empathic about other things that might be difficult but infertility seems to be a pass for people to be twats even though they must know it's science or decision based to have children.

What about... 'oh well if it doesn't happen soon you can just have IVF'. Like it's an easy route or in any way a guarantee rather than the physically, mentally, emotionally and financially draining headfuck it actually is.

"just adopt"

This sounds awful! I'm pregnant now and my friend told me she wanted to start TTC a few months ago. Do I want to know if that's happening and whether they've gotten pregnant? Yes! Would I ever ask her? No! I care because I'd be so excited for her, but I also know how painful and frustrating TTC can be for many couples.

Unfortunately other people I know do believe it's a matter of relaxing, not planning, letting it be... I think saying this just makes it sound like it's on you for being so keen, that if you didn't want it so much it'd actually happen. Very insensitive, if you ask me.

@irene88

This sounds awful! I'm pregnant now and my friend told me she wanted to start TTC a few months ago. Do I want to know if that's happening and whether they've gotten pregnant? Yes! Would I ever ask her? No! I care because I'd be so excited for her, but I also know how painful and frustrating TTC can be for many couples.

Unfortunately other people I know do believe it's a matter of relaxing, not planning, letting it be... I think saying this just makes it sound like it's on you for being so keen, that if you didn't want it so much it'd actually happen. Very insensitive, if you ask me.

Exactly his. Then when you're not 'desperate for a baby' you get accused of not being maternal enough and people question if it's the right thing for you.

It appears you can't bloody win!

Heard all kinds of patronising bullshit in my time, all of the above and not always directed at me as I actually didn't choose to tell people if there wasn't a reason.

But I did tell my dentist due to fitting in treatment, and my therapist when I had to reschedule an appointment. She said maybe I needed to want it more and be more open to a pregnancy so I didn't reschedule, just cancelled.

DH told close friends who'd had IVF and the wife of that couple told me how she'd asked another friend if she was 'already pregnant or just bloated from her IVF medication'. Just shut your mouth and don't ask that when you've been through it.

Heard people moaning that they got pregnant while on the pill, to a colleague they knew had had IVF and miscarriages.

And someone e complaining about pregnancy symptoms to a dear friend of mine, who was having IVF (complainer knew).

There are lots of situations where people are insensitive as a PP said but fertility is something taken so for granted by those privileged enough not to have had to worry about it, or who have planned all their babies relative to the school year so they won't be the youngest in their class, or come back from maternity leave pregnant again and joked about their super fertile powers.
If people have got to a certain point in life and don't have children it's because they don't want them or can't have them and neither are other people's business.

And the infertile people are not there to adopt all the 'poor children' that the fertile people wouldn't consider adopting. That's an insult to the children too, and such a facile comment.

Society and people can be fuckers about parenthood.
^this.

So many insensitive people out there with terrible social skills

I got (amongst many) oh are you still trying? Me and dh are so fertile we only have to look at each other to be pregnant 😡 don’t think I’ll ever get over it and at the time I’d practically bore my soul with how I was feeling so I wasn’t strong enough to say what I’d say now.....

For some people, conceiving and giving birth to a healthy child is such a straightforward process, they don't know how difficult, painful and stressful it can be. However, there's really no excuse for thoughtless remarks or ridiculous platitudes. The "relax" advice is beyond ignorant, and they should be challenged on that and other nonsense.

I’ve had “you want to have a few drinks” and “at least you can have fun trying” and “Someone I know got pregnant when they went camping for the first time”.