To think people can be patronising arsehole when you are struggling to conceive?

[ttcpatronisers]

Just that really. I had a friend say something very patronising and giving insulting to me the other day.

She knows I've had losses and and TTC but randomly brings it up in conversation in the post Awkward way - asking if I'm pregnant randomly and it just pissed me off.

Why do people turn into patronising fuckers when someone is trying to conceive?

If you're one of them, please stop.

Any sentence starting with “at least…” ends badly.

The insensitive remarks I got were from super fertile people who hadn't struggled as far as I know. Or been close to people who struggled. We had to do ivf in the end for our first. But I second happened extremely easily. I was shocked at how easy it is when things go to plan. If that's all you've known, I can appreciate why people find it hard to understand the utter hell some go through.

Are they, are are you just hyper sensitive to any comments,
Advice etc at all?
If you don’t want people talk about it then don’t tell them you’re TTC unless absolutely necessary.

Absolutely. Ttc for 6 years now and I've heard it all.

Why the fuck do people think relaxing in the sunshine helps you to carry a baby to term? "Oh yes my husband has no sperm but he sat in the sun for a week with me and now we have triplets"!

Literally no other medical problem would be essentially seen to be fixed by a woman relaxing. Lest her womb make her more hysterical

I feel you! When I finally lost my temper with my DM making none to subtle jabs about her lack of GC and explained it wasn’t through lack of trying she piped up with “well I did think you’d left it rather late so only have yourself to blame” (I’m 34) followed by “if you were actually serious about it you’d adopt or have IVF”. I’ve concluded most people turn into twats when you’re struggling to conceive.

A couple of weeks after I had a chemical pregnancy my friend said I could take one of her kids if I wanted.

It's sheer ignorance op. Some people genuinely don't think or understand how insensitive it is to say/ask the things they do. Until you explain to them why it is rude, then they get it. Or most do.

Someone I'd not seen in a while recently said "oh, I'd thought you'd have had another one (dc) by now, I had already had my 2nd by this point"

My dc is 2 years old..hardly a massive gap and such a weird thing to say anyway!

I've been asked by mil "when are you having another one, I wish you would hurry up" and "are you trying?" Yuk. Like I really want to discuss my sex life with mil, or any family member for that matter.

Also had a neighbour shout out from her window
(We were in the garden) "when are you having another baby? C'mon, you need a sibling for xxxx (dc)" I was too gobsmacked to say anything that time.

Literally no other medical problem would be essentially seen to be fixed by a woman relaxing. Lest her womb make her more hysterical

Like you can somehow flip a switch and change your mindset just like that. Like it’s a psychological problem and not a medical one.

@PurpleDaisies

Any sentence starting with “at least…” ends badly.

Agree with this entirely. There is no sentence, which involves pregnancy loss or the death of a baby, within which "at least" should ever be part of.

I'm trying to become a single mum by choice but also dealing with infertility. I recently heard the best one

"You're overthinking about it. Just go out, have fun one night, relax and BOOM! No need to spend thousands in IVF"

Can you imagine?

It's so irritating! Some comments apart from being patronizing can really hurt, and it takes me days(even weeks) to recover. Can't they just be a bit more empathetic?

Sympathise OP. Patiently listened to so much of this crap from well meaning people. Also had a particularly nosey colleague with no filter who asks too many intrusive questions. She kept badgering me about having a baby in front of my whole team - always out of the blue when I was busy doing something. Lost my temper one day - I looked her straight in the eye and said we weren’t able to have children, that I was completely infertile and that it was very sad but would never happen. In front of the team who were all silent and horrified. That did shut her up, thank god.

After 5 years of ttc I was ready to be open about my situation as it didn’t look like we would be successful.

Was a bit awkward six months later when I told everyone I was expecting (after a successful ivf cycle) 😁

Yep, I hear you. After the first year of struggling, a (usually very lovely) friend, who conceived on the very first attempt after they decided to have kids, told me to "Just get drunk, like we did."

I mean, FFS. I was so, so hurt. People can be dicks sometimes.

I didn't have too many insensitive comments when we were dealing with infertility. I think I gave of a "don't you dare mention it " vibe.
One lovely friend of my MIL rang me up one day to tell me how reflexology and some suppliments her husband some were amazing and she know 3 women who had got pregnant as a result. She meant well but as it was my husband who was the infertile one it would have been a waste of my time.
We also had someone offer to be our surrogate. A generous if a little weird offer and unnecessary as I have all the bits needed.

@Maireas

"just adopt"

I have a 'friend' who got pregnant in the first month of trying, compared with me trying for 2 years and now doing ivf, who asked me if I would adopt, I personally don't want to adopt, if the ivf doesn't work, I will accept my child free life and spend my life going on lots of nice holidays. When I told her this, she gasped! 'Why not!? I would definitely adopt' .. well that's all well and good saying that, when you aren't in that situation, and if you really wanted to adopt, you could have adopted rather than had biological children.. it's not for infertile people to adopt all the children of the world, and also, adopting isn't a second choice option, how insulting to adopted people!