SIL expectations - boarding school and covid risk

Catkitkat · 2021-12-19T19:07:50+00:00

We are guardians to my SIL’s (who lives in Italy) son who is at boarding school in England since September. My nephew stays with us for a night or so each time he flies in and out of the country. He is 17 so doesn’t need much from us otherwise. He is returning in January and will stay with us while he waits for his day 2 test - massively inconvenient as our DD is sitting the 11+ just days later. She will be trying to study that weekend and needs peace and quiet. I’m also paranoid that he might test positive. If rules tighten they may require close contacts to isolate and my daughter would miss her exam. I would like to ask him to postpone his arrival until the day of/after my daughters exam. He would miss three or four days of the term. Am I being unreasonable? Sister in law also fully expects us to deal with the fallout - driving three hours one way to collect him and house him here while he isolates - should he test positive for covid during the term but that’s another story… wouldn’t exactly jump for joy if it happens but could handle it, unless we would all be required to isolate along with him under new/tightened rules.

MadeOfStarStuff · 19/12/2021 19:21

Is there no one else he can stay with this time?

I would expect a 17 year old to be able to give his cousin peace and quiet to study, but testing positive and potentially causing her to have to isolate and miss her exam would be more of a concern.

SIL is expecting a lot of you generally to facilitate her sons education, although presumably you did agree to this?

DizzyCow63 · 19/12/2021 19:25

What do students from abroad do if they don't have family in the country? I would expect the school would have some facility in place for students to isolate while waiting on their day 2 test and would be asking SIL to use that on this occasion, it's unfair to expect you to risk him testing positive and your DD missing her exam.

Mosaic123 · 19/12/2021 19:28

Could he stay in a hotel very close by to you? You could take him meals until he was negative on his PCR test.

ShinyballsAndChocolateTinsel · 19/12/2021 19:28

I think you need to put your daughters needs above your nephew. Explain and let her sort something out

woohoo54 · 19/12/2021 19:29

I think you just need to put your big girl pants on and put your own daughter first. You can't risk jeopardising her 11+ for his convenience. If your SIL has enough money to send her son to boarding school she can afford a hotel/Airbnb for a couple of days or to postpone the flights. I'm sure the school would understand or help him to find alternative accommodation or accept his absence. Not your problem if it causes difficulty this time it's not convenient for your Daughter. Given the rates atm it's a real risk he could catch it on the plane or airport ect.

bjjgirl · 19/12/2021 19:31

The 11+ probably will get cancelled 😞

However, put your dd first

ChateauMargaux · 19/12/2021 19:32

Who's relative is this? Is it your husband's sister? What kind of relationship do you have with the family in general? Have they offered hospitality to you or your family in the past? Would you ever expect that they would offer something in return?

Families who have children in boarding school have had a tough ride these last two years... this is not how they imagined sending their children to boarding school would be. ..

Is there anywhere he could self isolate without putting your daughter at risk of missing her exam?

Bubblty · 19/12/2021 19:33

Why are you expected to look after him in this country? Is there more to this or is she just being cheeky and assuming you'll do it each time.

NotAnotherPushyMum · 19/12/2021 19:37

You shouldn’t have agreed to be his guardian if you didn’t want the responsibility. My ds has overseas students in his class and the last two years has been a complete nightmare for them. Thankfully their guardians understand their responsibilities.

Surely at 17 he’s not going to be causing so much fuss that he’s going to disrupt your 11yr old.

toomuchlaundry · 19/12/2021 19:37

Most international boarder families appoint a guardian in the country that their child goes to school. Guardians don't have to be family members but I assume are treated as in loco parentis in situations like this. So if a boarder needs to quarantine/isolate before going back to school then that is what the guardian is for.

PAFMO · 19/12/2021 19:51

Given the number of Covid cases in the UK compared to Italy, he's far more likely to pick it up from you than the other way round tbh. I'd certainly be wary of sending my daughter to a British family at the moment if I was in that situation.

If you don't want him to stay with you, then arrange for him to go back to the school instead. He'd have more fun with his friends, and your daughter can study in peace.

Totalwasteofpaper · 19/12/2021 19:56

There is no way I would jeporadise my child's 11+ for this

The options would be:

He can come after and be 3-4 days late
He can stay in a hotel
His mother and father make other arrangements

Madcats · 19/12/2021 19:57

Check with the school.

I am pretty certain that most set up one or more of the houses for incoming overseas students in one of the previously quite strict lockdowns.

Good luck with 11+

tara66 · 19/12/2021 20:05

Let your SIL know asap so she can ask school to make other arrangements with some one else to have DN or find out if he can go directly to the school itself. They must have an isolation area for borders from abroad..
Except by now they are probably not contactable because of holidays.

SeaToSki · 19/12/2021 20:10

All the boarding schools round here have set aside rooms for international boarders to come back and isolate in while waiting for test clearance. SIL should ask the school what provisions are possible

Bubblty · 19/12/2021 20:10

@toomuchlaundry

Most international boarder families appoint a guardian in the country that their child goes to school. Guardians don't have to be family members but I assume are treated as in loco parentis in situations like this. So if a boarder needs to quarantine/isolate before going back to school then that is what the guardian is for.

I seeee thanks for explaining

NeverEndingFireworks · 19/12/2021 20:12

@DizzyCow63

What do students from abroad do if they don't have family in the country? I would expect the school would have some facility in place for students to isolate while waiting on their day 2 test and would be asking SIL to use that on this occasion, it's unfair to expect you to risk him testing positive and your DD missing her exam.

They have named Guardians. Some are paid, most UK based kids would be extended family. I was a named guardian for my cousin's DS, similar age, boarding for 6th form - just because his single parent mother sometimes had to travel outside the country for work and she was NC with her parents. The wealthy kids from overseas, with no family in the UK, had a professional guardian, arranged and paid for by parents.

Original poster

Catkitkat · 20/12/2021 01:35

@DizzyCow63

What do students from abroad do if they don't have family in the country? I would expect the school would have some facility in place for students to isolate while waiting on their day 2 test and would be asking SIL to use that on this occasion, it's unfair to expect you to risk him testing positive and your DD missing her exam.

I think international students always have to have a guardian in the country. I think you can use a professional service if you don’t have friends or family who can help

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Original poster

Catkitkat · 20/12/2021 01:42

@ChateauMargaux

Who's relative is this? Is it your husband's sister? What kind of relationship do you have with the family in general? Have they offered hospitality to you or your family in the past? Would you ever expect that they would offer something in return?

Families who have children in boarding school have had a tough ride these last two years... this is not how they imagined sending their children to boarding school would be. ..

Is there anywhere he could self isolate without putting your daughter at risk of missing her exam?

Oh gosh. Where do I begin. She is a hugely self centred person. SIL has never thanked us for offering to be guardians or for housing/feeding/driving her son when he comes to stay. We are told of his arrivals and departures once flights have been booked, she would never consider asking if it’s convenient for us to have him here. She is truly one of a kind.

She couldn’t care less about DDs 11+, and I’m. It just saying that… husband is a bit of a doormat in all of this and while I try to initiate a conversation with her about the practicalities, she speaks with him 90% of the time

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Original poster

Catkitkat · 20/12/2021 01:46

@Bubblty

Why are you expected to look after him in this country? Is there more to this or is she just being cheeky and assuming you'll do it each time.

No, nothing more to it at all, I think international students always need a U.K. based guardian in order to be able to attend boarding school here. My husband was happy to offer, we did the same for her other child a few years ago in non covid times and it was entirely undramatic. Very different situation these days though, covid has raised the stakes condsiderably

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BungleandGeorge · 20/12/2021 01:46

Boarding schools have been opening early for international students to return. Are they trying to avoid the extra cost? I think it’s reasonable to say no this time as you don’t want your daughter to miss her exam

Original poster

Catkitkat · 20/12/2021 01:49

@NotAnotherPushyMum

You shouldn’t have agreed to be his guardian if you didn’t want the responsibility. My ds has overseas students in his class and the last two years has been a complete nightmare for them. Thankfully their guardians understand their responsibilities.

Surely at 17 he’s not going to be causing so much fuss that he’s going to disrupt your 11yr old.

We don’t mind the responsibility. I’m not massively concerned about covid either, it’s just on this one occasion that I am worried as my daughter’s 11+ could be jeopardised, however unlikely it may be

You are correct in pointing out that he is unlikely to disturb dd much, he might do a little bit as that’s just his personality, so its not ideal timing

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Original poster

Catkitkat · 20/12/2021 01:50

@PAFMO

Given the number of Covid cases in the UK compared to Italy, he's far more likely to pick it up from you than the other way round tbh. I'd certainly be wary of sending my daughter to a British family at the moment if I was in that situation.

If you don't want him to stay with you, then arrange for him to go back to the school instead. He'd have more fun with his friends, and your daughter can study in peace.

He can’t return to school before he has had the day 2 PCR

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BungleandGeorge · 20/12/2021 01:51

Also can’t international students isolate at school if they get covid? I don’t think guardians are expected to go and get a child with covid? Isn’t that increasing spread?

CakesOfVersailles · 20/12/2021 01:51

I am presuming this is your husband's sister.

Send your DH to get him and take him to a hotel until he gets his results? Get your DH to tell his sister she will have to pay for a hotel?

Do you have a bedroom far away from the others? Like a sleep-out or a granny flat?

Is the nephew himself polite and well behaved? If you explained the situation would he co-operate with you and properly isolate? I wouldn't think a 17 year old would be disruptive to studying, it would be more the covid risk that would concern me.

Does he have any other relatives who could help as a one-off (e.g. another aunt/uncle/grandparent?).

Alternatively, do you have any relatives you could take DD to for a few days?

It's tricky because as his UK guardians, you do need to step up (or end the arrangement). I don't think convenience really comes into it when you are a guardian. That's why it's usually either very close family or a paid arrangement - no one else is willing to put up with it!

However to be honest if your DD is in school her cousin is unlikely to be an especially great risk to her.