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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL expectations - boarding school and covid risk

85 replies

Catkitkat · 19/12/2021 19:07

We are guardians to my SIL’s (who lives in Italy) son who is at boarding school in England since September.

My nephew stays with us for a night or so each time he flies in and out of the country. He is 17 so doesn’t need much from us otherwise.

He is returning in January and will stay with us while he waits for his day 2 test - massively inconvenient as our DD is sitting the 11+ just days later. She will be trying to study that weekend and needs peace and quiet. I’m also paranoid that he might test positive. If rules tighten they may require close contacts to isolate and my daughter would miss her exam.

I would like to ask him to postpone his arrival until the day of/after my daughters exam. He would miss three or four days of the term. Am I being unreasonable?

Sister in law also fully expects us to deal with the fallout - driving three hours one way to collect him and house him here while he isolates - should he test positive for covid during the term but that’s another story… wouldn’t exactly jump for joy if it happens but could handle it, unless we would all be required to isolate along with him under new/tightened rules.

OP posts:
Original poster
Catkitkat · 20/12/2021 09:49

We can insist on a negative pcr before we meet him, but that still doesn’t help in the event that he tests positive… then he would have to come and isolate with us. I have no way of truly mitigating the risk in this case.

He will do a pcr before he can fly here, but they plan on taking that two days before departure so depending on what their plans are between the rest and the flight it means nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Catkitkat · 20/12/2021 09:51

Sorry, it should have said ‘between the test and the flight’

OP posts:
billy1966 · 20/12/2021 10:26

@Totalwasteofpaper

There is no way I would jeporadise my child's 11+ for this

The options would be:

  • He can come after and be 3-4 days late
  • He can stay in a hotel
  • His mother and father make other arrangements
This.

100%

billy1966 · 20/12/2021 10:30

OP,

Apologies but you sound like a doormat yourself to be accepting this treatment.

I would be telling my husband nephew is not to come near the house and jeopardise our daughters exams.

You were very foolish to offer to be guardian when you know well how selfish she is and how wet your husband is.

Original poster
Catkitkat · 20/12/2021 10:56

Yes I sound like a doormat, but I’m a doormat by proxy if that makes sense. I’m giving DH absolute hell over this, I have asked for a zoom or call with all three of us to discuss but he won’t organise this. He is a massive doormat and their weird and convoluted family dynamics have so far presented me from picking up the phone to her myself. She is a class A bully and while I’m not personally afraid of a potential confrontation, I would hate to sour the relationship between DH and her + rest of the family, who always side with her

OP posts:
Original poster
Catkitkat · 20/12/2021 11:00

Prevented not presented. Apologies

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 20/12/2021 13:49

@Catkitkat

She is a class A bully and while I’m not personally afraid of a potential confrontation, I would hate to sour the relationship between DH and her + rest of the family, who always side with her

Maybe it's time to grasp that nettle, OP. Your spineless sounding husband isn't going to do anything constructive about protecting you or your daughter's needs so maybe you need to risk falling out with his family. They certainly don't seem to care about you. 🌹

woohoo54 · 20/12/2021 14:10

I would be fuming about this OP. Your DP doesn't get to choose if you're worried. Just pick up the phone and call her - or if the nephew has precedence over your own daughter you'll have to book an Airbnb.

MoggyP · 20/12/2021 14:13

If DH won't deal with this by spouting it off at source, then he and nephew go to a hotel for however long is required

It is wrong for the pupil to miss term time. But he cannot stay with you in this one occasion during your school guardianship.

If DH won't make the person who should be sorting it actually do something, then at least he takes full responsibility for avoiding any impact on your DD and her exams.

If he won't do that, then you need to cancel guardianship directly with the school. They will insist another is found, and it will be squarely on their pupils parents to arrange it. As it should be.

Well done on being willing guardians up to now

Bambooshoot · 20/12/2021 14:14

No way! Your daughter comes first, and this exam is the first she will take that could really affect her future success - it is important. Your nephew at 17 missing a week will have no detriment to his education at all, since at that age they will have online learning and should be disciplined in studying alone. Tell them to delay his flight, it is not an even playing field at all. I can’t believe they are being so selfish, is it because she is female?

RandomMess · 20/12/2021 14:15

I wouldn't be beyond having Covid and be in isolation that ends the evening before her test!!

He's 17 she could book a hotel room for him at the airport for several nights.

user313213521 · 20/12/2021 14:18

@NotAnotherPushyMum

You shouldn’t have agreed to be his guardian if you didn’t want the responsibility. My ds has overseas students in his class and the last two years has been a complete nightmare for them. Thankfully their guardians understand their responsibilities.

Surely at 17 he’s not going to be causing so much fuss that he’s going to disrupt your 11yr old.

The OP probably signed up for this 3-5 years ago and didn't see a global pandemic in her crystal ball.

OP - don't jeopardise your child's 11+. They'll have to make other arrangements - at 17 he can cope in a hotel or Airbnb by himself for a couple of days.

ittakes2 · 20/12/2021 14:25

He's 17 - book him an airbnb near you and offer to collect him (masked up) and leave meals for him.
There is no way I would put extra stress on my child before the 11 plus.

toomuchlaundry · 20/12/2021 14:26

What year is the nephew in, does he have mocks when he starts back?

jeaux90 · 20/12/2021 14:33

My daughter goes to school with international boarders and part time boards herself.

The girls usually go straight to the house and do their test there, isolate if they have to until term starts.

Maybe it's one of those times your SIL needs to fly with him, hotel for a couple of nights unless the school can take him.

RandomMess · 20/12/2021 14:42

It's one thing being a guardian it's another when the parents don't communicate with you and discuss options for flight times etc and just do what the hell they like without seeing if compromise is required!

SallyWD · 20/12/2021 15:00

To be honest I'd do it. It's family. You can ask him to be quiet when your daughter's studying.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 20/12/2021 15:26

Just say no, he's old enough to take himself off to a hotel

Original poster
Catkitkat · 20/12/2021 16:10

We spoke to the school who have confirmed that he needs his negative pcr before he can enter the school. They also confirmed that they are unable to take him in one day early, so SIL has given us correct info.

DH now understands my arguments better and is going to speak with his sister to explain what we are, and are not prepared to do for our nephew on this occasion. Negative pcr is non negotiable. To be continued I am sure

OP posts:
billy1966 · 20/12/2021 16:19

OP,

I mean this kindly, but have a hard look at that waster husband and at yourself.

Protecting a relationship where no one gives a damn about your daughter?

Utterly shameful.

Your poor child.

This sort of bull only happens on MN.
IRL I simply cannot imagine this being entertained for a minute.

toomuchlaundry · 20/12/2021 16:44

Did you not discuss this with the SIL before? Surely with travel plans/tests being tricky for the last 18 months you must have thought it might not be as simple as pre COVID times. You took on the guardian role, unfortunately this sort of comes with the role

londonmummy1966 · 20/12/2021 16:59

I'd just go back to her now and say that it won't be possible for her sn to come to you in January and it is for her to make alternative arrangements either with the school or with a professional guardian company, SHe then has time to find and implement a plan B. If she doesn't like it just mirror back her behaviour and make it clear you aren't bothered how it inconveniences her. At the end of the day if she can't come up with a better plan she'll have to come with her son and book into a hotel with him until they've had their day 2 tests.

Don't offer to try and help her find a solution its her problem to sort out not yours.

Original poster
Catkitkat · 20/12/2021 20:36

@billy1966

OP,

I mean this kindly, but have a hard look at that waster husband and at yourself.

Protecting a relationship where no one gives a damn about your daughter?

Utterly shameful.

Your poor child.

This sort of bull only happens on MN.
IRL I simply cannot imagine this being entertained for a minute.

I see your point, but I think I can find a way to protect my daughters interests in January, and in general, without my husbands relationship to his family being impacted. But if I can’t, of course my daughter and other children will always come first.

Putting things in writing particularly on a public forum really highlights the absurdity, maybe that’s why it’s so helpful to do so sometimes

OP posts:
Original poster
Catkitkat · 20/12/2021 20:38

@toomuchlaundry

Did you not discuss this with the SIL before? Surely with travel plans/tests being tricky for the last 18 months you must have thought it might not be as simple as pre COVID times. You took on the guardian role, unfortunately this sort of comes with the role
Of course it’s part of being a guardian, I completely agree. I just think things have escalated very quickly these past weeks with omicron so we are trying to navigate these new challenges as they come up
OP posts:
OutOfBounds · 20/12/2021 20:50

Can't SIL not fly over with him and they both stay in a hotel?

If she kicks off then remove yourselves from guardianship all together?

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