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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL expectations - boarding school and covid risk

85 replies

Catkitkat · 19/12/2021 19:07

We are guardians to my SIL’s (who lives in Italy) son who is at boarding school in England since September.

My nephew stays with us for a night or so each time he flies in and out of the country. He is 17 so doesn’t need much from us otherwise.

He is returning in January and will stay with us while he waits for his day 2 test - massively inconvenient as our DD is sitting the 11+ just days later. She will be trying to study that weekend and needs peace and quiet. I’m also paranoid that he might test positive. If rules tighten they may require close contacts to isolate and my daughter would miss her exam.

I would like to ask him to postpone his arrival until the day of/after my daughters exam. He would miss three or four days of the term. Am I being unreasonable?

Sister in law also fully expects us to deal with the fallout - driving three hours one way to collect him and house him here while he isolates - should he test positive for covid during the term but that’s another story… wouldn’t exactly jump for joy if it happens but could handle it, unless we would all be required to isolate along with him under new/tightened rules.

OP posts:
Original poster
Catkitkat · 20/12/2021 01:52

@SeaToSki

All the boarding schools round here have set aside rooms for international boarders to come back and isolate in while waiting for test clearance. SIL should ask the school what provisions are possible
Thank you, I will have her check with the school, but it sounded like the have told her they need a negative pcr before they return
OP posts:
Original poster
Catkitkat · 20/12/2021 01:53

@BungleandGeorge

Boarding schools have been opening early for international students to return. Are they trying to avoid the extra cost? I think it’s reasonable to say no this time as you don’t want your daughter to miss her exam
Interesting, I will look into this
OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 20/12/2021 01:53

Have you checked with the school that he can’t go back before the PCR? That’s unusual unless things have changed very recently

BungleandGeorge · 20/12/2021 01:54

Cross posted, I would definitely ask the school for their policies! They may even be on the website

Original poster
Catkitkat · 20/12/2021 01:58

@CakesOfVersailles I think some people are planning on keeping their children home I until the exams, just to minimise risk… everything is up in the air at the moment, I for one did not anticipate things to escalate to the point of another lockdown this quickly. Perhaps the exams are all going to be cancelled, and perhaps put nephew’s school won’t even reopen on January, who knows. Nightmare!

OP posts:
Original poster
Catkitkat · 20/12/2021 02:00

@BungleandGeorge

Have you checked with the school that he can’t go back before the PCR? That’s unusual unless things have changed very recently
Good point, SIL told us this, definitely worth double checking. Although I suppose if he tests positive they’d send him straight back to us
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BasiliskStare · 20/12/2021 02:05

@Catkitkat at 17 does he not have a close enough friend he could go to this time? ( i.e. one with not a person doing an exam ) I think if agreed with the school he could do this.

bumbleymummy · 20/12/2021 02:07

@SeaToSki

All the boarding schools round here have set aside rooms for international boarders to come back and isolate in while waiting for test clearance. SIL should ask the school what provisions are possible
I was going to say the same. It seems unreasonable for your SIL to expect your DN to isolate at yours with your DD doing her exam if this is an option.

Best of luck to your DD btw. It’s been a stressful 18+ months for them all. I hope it goes well.

Original poster
Catkitkat · 20/12/2021 02:11

Thank you @bumbleymummy so much goes into preparing for these exams, it’s obviously difficult to comprehend for SIL what is at stake here. She thinks we are being slightly ridiculous, to her it’s just some random test and she can’t appreciate our concern at all

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Original poster
Catkitkat · 20/12/2021 02:13

[quote BasiliskStare]@Catkitkat at 17 does he not have a close enough friend he could go to this time? ( i.e. one with not a person doing an exam ) I think if agreed with the school he could do this.[/quote]
I just wonder if anyone would be happy to have him stay with them under the circumstances, everyone is probably going to be worried about covid… and it’s a very international school, it doesn’t sound like he has made any close English friends Smile most of them seem to be also international students

OP posts:
TheTeenageYears · 20/12/2021 02:20

At 17 he is quite old enough to be put in taxi's for all the required moving around. His day 2 test should be taken on arrival at whichever airport he flies into. There are several companies offering same day results (Collinson, Halo) for not extortionate prices. I would be amazed if the boarding school have made it a requirement not to return until the result of the day 2 test is known. DD's boarding school has notified all foreign boarders to have tests arrive at school ready for the students arrival on the coach from the airport. They will take their tests and be posted and students will isolate in the meantime. I did my own research and booked a test for when she arrives at Heathrow so she gets the results the same day. She will arrive, go to the test centre, meet the school coach, go back to school and isolate in her room until the results come through that evening and then providing it's negative start school in person on the first day of term.

Original poster
Catkitkat · 20/12/2021 02:46

Thanks @TheTeenageYears this sounds like a really reasonable arrangement, praying nephew’s school is as sensible as this school. I will ring them tomorrow, hopefully someone will be available to speak with. Unfortunately their website doesn’t have any covid policies or similar

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Bunnycat101 · 20/12/2021 02:55

I would be quite wary of this. I have a relative who has just flown in- was negative on departure and positive on entry PCR so is now isolating for the whole of Christmas and no-one else can visit the household he’s with. All really upsetting for everyone as Christmas plans ruined. Your worst case scenario isn’t that far fetched at all.

Rangoon · 20/12/2021 03:01

Your daughter should come first. Remind your husband of this - firmly. Better he's your doormat than his sister's.

Original poster
Catkitkat · 20/12/2021 03:10

I’m up at 3am as I’m too annoyed to sleep. Nephews are lovely but SIL is a piece of work. Never met anyone like her. It’s been years of this type of behaviour from her.

We are always expected to move out of the way to accommodate her plans, there are several examples from over the years. She is also godmother to our eldest and shows zero interest, in 13 years she has bought exactly one birthday present and one Christmas present (which was from a pound shop and was given unwrapped, our other children of course got nothing which was awkward). She literally couldn’t care less and doesn’t mind making it very clear, or so it seems to me anyway.

Never a thank you or any form of acknowledgment for anything we do for her sons. Never even bothers to check with us before she books their flights (this is the second time around we are guardians to one of her sons), she just tells us. I hate keeping score like this, score keeping should have no place when it comes to family, but she is making me feel so used.

This is why I’m possibly overreacting about the January arrangements. It’s a really sore spot that she has so little regard for our children, and how the convenience of her son easily overrides my daughter’s upcoming exams.

OP posts:
bumbleymummy · 20/12/2021 03:17

I don’t think you’re over reacting. I think it’s perfectly understandable for you to feel the way you do -particularly given the history. Quite shocking that she doesn’t even thank you and just books things without asking. I’d be pretty ticked off too. I probably wouldn’t have been able to bite my tongue for this long though! Grin

Maryward · 20/12/2021 04:44

Get a taxi for him from the airport & then isolate him in a bedroom for 2 days/stay in hotel.
Or else delay his return!

TheTeenageYears · 20/12/2021 06:07

@Catkitkat you are not over reacting. It's been really tough having DC in a different country but I for one have gone to the ends of the earth during the pandemic to involve others - including their appointed guardians, as little as possible. There are generally ways around things especially when you are talking about a 17 year old boy. At that age my son spent the night in a hotel on his own before travelling the following day. Sometimes it involves spending more money than relying on family but needs must. Your DD needs to come first on this occasion. Pm me if you want to rant in a bit more detail - as a separated family we have experienced all sorts of challenges this year across multiple countries so I tend to eat, sleep and breathe all this stuff!

timeisnotaline · 20/12/2021 06:22

I would just put my foot down wiht the 3 options someone has given above. Call her with both of you on speaker, and have the three options written down for dh as well as what’s not ok- anyone seeing him before his negative pcr is not happening. Him staying here before his negative pcr is not happening.
Block letters for dh: if this can’t be managed we can’t be his named guardian anymore. We will notify school of this immediately.

Seems overkill but just this once I think it’s completely fair to insist.

sunshineclouds24 · 20/12/2021 06:32

The day 2 covid test results seem to come through really quickly, you can take the test as you leave the airport if organised.
The chances of your dd's exam being moved online are high.

Londonnight · 20/12/2021 06:44

At the boarding school I worked out, school was the guardian, so children stayed onsite in one of the boarding houses if they couldn't go home in the holidays, and also when they arrived back from abroad.
They also isolate at school if they get covid.

I presume you are classed as your nephews guardian? If so, you should be able to speak to the school themselves to see what they have in place for overseas students.

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 20/12/2021 08:27

The Covid arrangements for returning boarders are unlikely to be on the website - DCs schools sent it all by email to us (one school has aside a couple of the boarding houses specifically to host returners waiting for PCR results, another is accepting kids back a few days before term starts). Try calling the school to check. Don’t ask your SIL because some arrangements might need to be paid for so it could be in her interests not to tell you.
Also, Eurofins are (or were, last time i checked) offering drive through pcr tests at quite a few airports, for £35 (using BA2021 voucher code) results within 12-24 hours I think.
You missed a trick, by the way. Boarding school guardians usually get paid quite well.

DisforDarkChocolate · 20/12/2021 08:33

I'd be expecting him to stay in a hotel this time. No wsy should your daughter miss an exam because of this arrangement.

Exam boards etc are probably already planning how to have these exams for those who are isolating though.

timeisnotaline · 20/12/2021 08:46

The Covid arrangements for returning boarders are unlikely to be on the website - DCs schools sent it all by email to us (one school has aside a couple of the boarding houses specifically to host returners waiting for PCR results, another is accepting kids back a few days before term starts). Try calling the school to check. Don’t ask your SIL because some arrangements might need to be paid for so it could be in her interests not to tell you.
As long as the op is firm on we will not meet him nor let him into our home until we see pcr results, she doesn’t have to worry about what solution sil finds. A paid guardian might go to more effort to research the options but if I were the op I wouldn’t be! Sil can work it out.

DebratsEtiquette · 20/12/2021 08:47

Our boarding school has said that overseas students must have a negative PCR before returning to the school site (we will have to stay in a hotel). They will then be tested again (lateral flow) once at school. The children will not be allowed to isolate at school (in the past I believe they did facilitate this). Just letting OP know that it is indeed the case that some schools are definitely not allowing return before negative PCR results.