AIBU To Not Want to Pay for Step Children?

[Humal93]

My husband has 3 children prior to our marriage and we have just recently had our own child together.

We have been married almost 3 years now and over these few years have realised how much I am spending on things like almost everyday on snacks and sometimes toys, stationery and in-game purchases for Robux and Xbox. The 2 youngest always want to come to the shops with me so they can choose something as it seems and me being soft, I say yes.

I do not work as I look after the children, but husband does and as he is the breadwinner and the first 3 being his children, I feel like he should be paying these expenses. What if we were to break up and instead of saving what bits of money I can from benefits, I'm spending on children that aren't biologically mine who will obviously stay with their dad and I would be stuck trying to make ends meet for my little one. I feel as though I am spending my child benefit more on our other children when it is really meant for the youngest. It would be different had they not had their mum around or if I was actually earning, but she is so they have both a mother and father that can provide for them.

I have bought the majority of things for their rooms since we moved house and countless other things for the home. I have brought them Xbox games, clothes and many toys and things. And the thing that bugs me even more is I feel they don't respect what they have and take it for granted by leaving things lying around and their rooms are a mess - that is an understatement. I hate living in mess, it feels chaotic and miserable and have stopped tidying up their rooms as it drains me, but still find myself going in there once in a while as it just looks terrible and dislike the thought of them waking up to that. Now when they say they want something from the shops that is not edible, I say only when they tidy their rooms. But this feels wrong as I wouldn't be plying my daughter with gifts in return for her respect in tidying up after herself. I would expect our youngest daughter to tidy up once she is older and not do it for something in return or be rewarded with something other than praise at that age as I grew up a fairly clean and tidy person which I think should be the norm, but isn't? and want to raise her the same, sorry if this sounds cocky.

With Christmas around the corner, I have spent over £200 on things they have asked for. Is this something a lot of parents do as I remember when growing up, we just got what we were given and were grateful for that. I apologise for the long rant, this is my first post and have wanted to get these things off my chest for a while. Thank you.

As an aside which religious ceremony isn't a legal marriage?

I know this doesn't answer your original question, OP, but you need to know that, married or not, while you live together the UC claim will need to be a joint claim. As it will take into consideration your situation: 2 adults living together + 4 children (since all 4 kids live with you). This means they will take into consideration your partner's wages/income, your savings, and yes, you will receive the UC child's element only for 2 of the children. You (you and DP as it is a joint claim) will receive child benefit for all the children, also the UC might include the housing costs element if you live in rented accommodation. If anybody has health issues you might be able to claim more, also check if you qualify to get the healthy start coupons, if you are in Scotland there is also a payment from the Scottish government if the children are under 5 or 6 (I do not remember exactly the limit). Anyway, it is worth checking with the Citizen Advice Bureau to make sure you get all the benefits you are entitled and since your DP and his children live in the same house with you and your kid, DEFINITELY let DWP know so you don't end up with accusations of benefit fraud (and also having to pay back any amounts of money you've been overpaid)

The UC money will be paid into one account so if I were you I'd have either a joint account with DP (where the benefits and wages go, so it's one pot that you can both manage and have access to) or ask to be paid in your account, so that you have access to some of the family money (assuming his wages go into his own account - this should still count as family money, not "his money"). Does the step children's mother pay anything towards their care, if they live mainly with you?

@Dishwashersaurous seems like the majority:

It is most important to note that religious marriage ceremonies are not recognised in English law unless the legal requirements are also complied with. A marriage certificate is issued to all couples who have legally recognised marriage ceremonies.

As an aside which religious ceremony isn't a legal marriage?

Any that weren't in premises legally registered for marriages and following the rules of registration.

Muslim ceremonies generally aren't.

@Dishwashersaurous

As an aside which religious ceremony isn't a legal marriage?

Many of them would be without an actual registrar to do the actual marrying.

You’re not spending your money though, your DH earns working long hours and the UC is joint money so you only have £13 a week child benefit for your child, the other child benefit is for his and you can’t have UC for your child so unless your using your savings it’s not your money. If you’re claiming fraudulently then it’s still not your money.

Do his 3 kids live with your full time or just stay part of the week ? If full time then is there mum contributing CM ?

If you dont work where is the monry coming from that you begrudge spending. Maybe your partner begrudges spending money supporting you as a non financial contributer. YABU.

Thanks all. Really interesting.

Op. Given as you are married in religion, why don't you pop down to the the registrar and do it legally as well to provide legal certainty.

And as others have said if you live together it's a joint uc claim for you both. The uc is not yours.

His wages and thr uc are yours joint.

You need to come up with a household budget

@Dishwashersaurous

As an aside which religious ceremony isn't a legal marriage?

Handfasting (Celtic) and Sharia Marriages are 2 that spring to mind.

Religious ceremonies arent legal unless there is a registrar there for the signing. Ive known some christians go to the register office the day or morning before, if not a registrar there on the day. Ive muslim friends who never bothered with the legal element. Of course some local congregation religious leaders are also authorised to conduct weddings. I worked for a Catholic priest who was. Ive know. Lots of other R.C. Priests who have needed to have the registrar there.

Op, it should be family money.

You're not spending a penny towards your SC, your husband and benefits are covering it so yes, YABVU!

The amount of women who put themselves in this position amaze me. He’s had one failed marriage, get a job ffs.

@sadpapercourtesan

Benefits aren't intended for you to be able to squirrel away a little nest egg in case your relationship doesn't work out!

I can't decide whether you've committing benefit fraud, or your DP is financially abusing you, or you're taking advantage of him - my head aches

One thing is for sure - you're living as one household and those children are there full-time. You're responsible as a couple for providing for them, and if you don't like that you should leave (and get a job).

I think that benefit fraud - or certainly benefit error - is a given, if OP is being paid UC that somehow isn't family money.

Sounds like he's taking advantage too.

My advice would be everything all the previous posters have said about joint accounts and legal marriage, plus are you claiming CMS from the children's mother? If they're with her only once a month and she's working it should be a meaningful amount.

Ok, so all 4 children are “ children of the family” as they live with you and DP.
Why not put all child benefit into an account and that pays for things for the children. Set a budget for small treats each week, or better still give the 3 older kids an allowance. If they run out of that then tough, they get no more til the next week. It’s a great way to teach children budgeting and strange how they don’t want to buy so much crap when it’s their own money!
The money left in the child benefit pot will then accumulate to buy shoes, clothes etc…
Set a budget for food and household stuff (TP, laundry etc..) and take that from the joint pot of his income plus UC. The remainder should pay the outgoings.
Depending on the 3 older ones ages give them a few household chores to do, won’t hurt them even if it’s just tidying their room, stripping bed on laundry day. Do chores, you get allowance.

Handfastings are legal in Scotland if the celebrants are authorized to perform legal marriages. I am Pagan myself and I attended several "proper" pagan handfasting ceremonies, the celebrant was properly authorised, all the paperwork was filled in and signed by the couple and the witnesses and a marriage certificate was issued. Of course, some people prefer just to do "non-legal" handfastings if they choose to, no marriage certificate is issued in this case and the couple is not married in the eyes of the law.

If you live together then your UC is a joint/family income. You don't work so basically you are using family money and your husbands income to pay for family. I doubt your DD's £80 pm child benefit is enough to fund everything you list and assume your dd is eating and getting the odd treat too. Child benefit is just part of the family boot anyway. I can't see how yourself are solely paying for anything at all.

I'm reading this differently..... as far as I can tell the couple have separate finances. OP has no access to the money he earns, and is paying personally for the step children's costs..... (both necessities and treats in an I'll-advised attempt to please them). Meanwhile her partner, who has not legally married her, continues to accrue his own money in his own name, and not pay towards his own children.......

So in the OP, he has found a partner to have further children with, to look after and pay for all four, while he doesn't do anything to sort out the house, clearly doesn't do much disciplining or parenting of his own kids, or cleaning of their rooms, and keeps all the money he makes for his own use.....

Is this accurate, OP?

OP, are you actually a second wife so can't legally marry?

What financial contribution is the mother making to her children's welfare?

@loislovesstewie

OP, are you actually a second wife so can't legally marry?

This ^ had crossed my mind also.

OP, why don’t your 3 step kids love with their mum, or why isn’t it 50/50 shared care? You don’t have to answer that here, but it might affect what could happen to you and your child if you divorce your husband.
This isn’t really about you paying for your stepkids. It’s about you feeling financially vulnerable in this marriage. Which you are. Insist on that joint account. Do you have your own private savings account? Get one and contribute a small amount every month to it (within your means obviously). This is your money for when you need to mean unilaterally decisions - say you need train/plane tickets to visit a sick family member on your side - or you need your own car or you want to buy yourself a new coat. This can also be your ´running away fund’ just incase you ever need one. Don’t tell your husband that though. Stick to the bit about not needing to justify personal purchases. Get legally married if you can.
Suggest savings accounts for all 4 kids to be contributed to in equal quantities every month (doesn’t need to be a lot of money, 10pounds each per month if you can afford it - you can siphon in any money they get given from family as presents and this can become their university/driving lessons/first car etc fund). Make sure it’s the kind of account that parents can’t just empty - put them in the children’s names. This is then money your child will have as a teen/young adult whatever happens to your marriage.

You will probably feel much better about the whole situation when you have more financial power in the relationship.

@Dishwashersaurous

As an aside which religious ceremony isn't a legal marriage?

Lots, in England only cofe, cofw, roman catholic, quaker and jewish weddings are also legal marriages. The rest don’t are still discriminated against in not being legal ceremonies.