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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU To Not Want to Pay for Step Children?

217 replies

Humal93 · 18/12/2021 13:59

My husband has 3 children prior to our marriage and we have just recently had our own child together.

We have been married almost 3 years now and over these few years have realised how much I am spending on things like almost everyday on snacks and sometimes toys, stationery and in-game purchases for Robux and Xbox. The 2 youngest always want to come to the shops with me so they can choose something as it seems and me being soft, I say yes.

I do not work as I look after the children, but husband does and as he is the breadwinner and the first 3 being his children, I feel like he should be paying these expenses. What if we were to break up and instead of saving what bits of money I can from benefits, I'm spending on children that aren't biologically mine who will obviously stay with their dad and I would be stuck trying to make ends meet for my little one. I feel as though I am spending my child benefit more on our other children when it is really meant for the youngest. It would be different had they not had their mum around or if I was actually earning, but she is so they have both a mother and father that can provide for them.

I have bought the majority of things for their rooms since we moved house and countless other things for the home. I have brought them Xbox games, clothes and many toys and things. And the thing that bugs me even more is I feel they don't respect what they have and take it for granted by leaving things lying around and their rooms are a mess - that is an understatement. I hate living in mess, it feels chaotic and miserable and have stopped tidying up their rooms as it drains me, but still find myself going in there once in a while as it just looks terrible and dislike the thought of them waking up to that. Now when they say they want something from the shops that is not edible, I say only when they tidy their rooms. But this feels wrong as I wouldn't be plying my daughter with gifts in return for her respect in tidying up after herself. I would expect our youngest daughter to tidy up once she is older and not do it for something in return or be rewarded with something other than praise at that age as I grew up a fairly clean and tidy person which I think should be the norm, but isn't? and want to raise her the same, sorry if this sounds cocky.

With Christmas around the corner, I have spent over £200 on things they have asked for. Is this something a lot of parents do as I remember when growing up, we just got what we were given and were grateful for that. I apologise for the long rant, this is my first post and have wanted to get these things off my chest for a while. Thank you.

OP posts:

PrincessNutella · 18/12/2021 15:19

Get a joint account immediately. Don't worry about politeness.

PrincessNutella · 18/12/2021 15:21

Is he your husband or is he not your husband?

AD80 · 18/12/2021 15:22

How is your husband with money? Is he pretty generous? Does he pay for all the rent/mortgage and bills so you can be a sahp? It so I wouldn't have an issue with buying things for the stepchildren.

I assume he is not a high earner as you mention you get some UC (nothing wrong with that, we get ansmall top up from tax credits on dp's earnings, we've not been moved to UC yet).

When you are married to someone I believe finances should be joint so there's no 'mine or yours'. It's simply all the money that is brought in whether that's earnings or benefits goes into one pot and used for the family and your stepchildren are part of the family. You did marry a man with three children and that was your choice.

Either that or your husband needs to be giving you more money for all 4 children.

NandorTheRelentless · 18/12/2021 15:23

@Humal93

I agree, a conversation is the right thing to do, I may do that tonight once he comes back from work, but just wanted to get a rough idea of what to include.

We do have the children full time, they go to their mum's once a month and we are not legally married, just a religious ceremony.

That there is your problem. You need to go out to work and earn your own money - if you're not married, then you are very vulnerable

ChargingBuck · 18/12/2021 15:23

I agree, a conversation is the right thing to do, I may do that tonight once he comes back from work, but just wanted to get a rough idea of what to include.

Huma, take a deep breath, & re-read your OP.
Nobody made you pay for all those things for your stepkids. You did it off your own bat ... so stop doing it!

By all means have a conversation with your partner about money.
Let him know how much you spent on the kids bedroom etc, how much daily costs add up when you are too soft to say no to them coming to the shop & spending your money for you ... & see what he comes up with. Ideally he will accept the need to make more money available to you.

If he doesn't, your only option is to stop spending what little you have on his children. But I'm puzzled as to how you've already spent £200 on them for xmas - without, seemingly, so much as a discussion with your partner about it. Stop doing it - you can't afford to!

Why is he not thinking what to buy his own kids, & taking responsibility for doing so - & paying for it?

Suprima · 18/12/2021 15:29

@Humal93

I am just paid child benefit for our daughter and universal credit. I do agree that most of the money would be spend on the three older children as babies don't really need much apart from lots of milk and attention! But I would expect that he pay for everyday snacks and stuff like that as the benefits for the first 3 children go to him and he has own earnings on top of that.

He has mentioned opening up a joint account, amongst many other things like fixing this and that or sorting out a big pile of letters etc, but it's about him finding the time to do it and I obviously don't want to push it or remind him about the joint account thing as I feel it would come across as greedy or that I don't want to pay for step children or something. Can anyone relate? Thank you for the quick responses, I love MN.

I find it concerning that you’ve had a child with a man who earns more than you, who you are worried of seeming ‘greedy’ towards.

Ofc he should pay for his own children.

‘Oh OH, I’m spending £200 a month extra on your kids. Get that joint account sorted.’ Or ask for a supplementary card for his credit account for this, very little paperwork.

When we moved in together, OH gave me my own credit card for any purchases that were joint but would be a stretch for me for whatever reason, cost/timings (he earns more). I’m aghast that the father of your child hasn’t even set up a joint account with you?

AndSoFinally · 18/12/2021 15:34

How are you claiming child benefit for a baby with a man who already has 3 children? I thought you could only claim for 3rd or more children if they were born before 2016(?), no?

oviraptor21 · 18/12/2021 15:35

If you are on UC then you really don't have enough money to be spending on Roblox and XBox purchases except as Christmas presents.

Unfortunately you probably won't be getting any extra UC for your child if your DP had three children before he met you.
Whose account does the UC go into?

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 18/12/2021 15:35

@AndSoFinally

How are you claiming child benefit for a baby with a man who already has 3 children? I thought you could only claim for 3rd or more children if they were born before 2016(?), no?

child benefit is for all children, universal credit only covers 2 unless born before 2016.

Op what is the situation regarding the uc claim, is it a joint claim?

CheshireKitten123 · 18/12/2021 15:37

@CPL593H

Second thread recently where the OP has had a religious ceremony but is not legally married. I can't understand why anyone would think that a good idea.

OP, fundamentally you need to ensure the financial stability of yourself and your child, not to the detriment of your step children, but for your own protection. You are making a major mistake if you don't.

What was this 'religious ceremony'? Handfasting?

You need to get legally married for your own sake. It doesn't cost that much at the Registry Office.

oviraptor21 · 18/12/2021 15:38

I'm a little concerned by your last post
If you have four children living with you (in DWP terms, who you're responsible for) then you'll only get UC for more than two if they were born before 2017.
I'm also hoping your savings are less than £16K.
I'm also hoping that you have a joint UC claim.
If any of the above are not true then there will be some UC overpayments to repay and possible fraud.

MouseholeCat · 18/12/2021 15:38

Why does he need to set up the joint account? You can surely do a bunch of the leg work if he's too busy and just ask him to feed in.

It kind of sounds like you are making a rod for your own back with parenting decisions here. You say it yourself that you're being a pushover on buying them toys, and it sounds like you are making the decision regarding buying them stuff if they tidy their rooms.

I think if you're at home full time with a parter who is the sole earner you can't just passively parent his kids when they are there- you need to be actively parenting in a way that works for your family. That means making joint parental and financial decisons.

Bagelsandbrie · 18/12/2021 15:39

@oviraptor21

If you are on UC then you really don't have enough money to be spending on Roblox and XBox purchases except as Christmas presents.

Unfortunately you probably won't be getting any extra UC for your child if your DP had three children before he met you.
Whose account does the UC go into?

Eh? Plenty of people on UC and / or tax credits have money to treat their children to Roblox money or whatever else, it’s all down to budgeting. We’re a family who receive some tax credits - dh works full time, I’m a carer to Ds who has disabilities and I also have disabilities myself (on highest rates of disability benefit) and we manage to budget carefully and have a few treats.

Simonjt · 18/12/2021 15:43

@Just10moreminutesplease

If you are a stay at home parent your partner should be paying the vast majority of everything for all the children. Including the one you share.

He already does as the OP is unemployed so the UC belongs to the family, not her/her baby.

Momijin · 18/12/2021 15:46

Get the financial stuff sorted asap as you're not protectedbif you're not married. If you're a sahm looking after his kids and you're not getting paid then you're in a bad position

FlorrieLindley · 18/12/2021 15:49

Are you doing anything about organising a legal marriage?

Samedaysame · 18/12/2021 15:49

I am also thinking that you are committing benefit fraud as pp have said it should be a joint claim. Is the reason you don't push for a joint account because the benefit office may query this. I would suggest you tell the benefit office immediately to ensure that your claim is legal. If it is not you could end up with a criminal record and worse case scenario a custodial sentence

OneForTh · 18/12/2021 15:51

I feel sorry for his stepchildren as you don't sound like you like them and begrudge them being there.

This is their home too, if they only see their mum once a month. You're claiming benefits so you don't have to get a job, the least you can do is keep their rooms clean, what else do you have to do all day? Their dad is at work. If you didn't want three step children then why marry him and have another???

It not not the fault of the children.

RantyAunty · 18/12/2021 15:51

I've got questions. How old are his DC?
Are you saying you don't have any extra for yourself or to save a little?
Do you have access to his earning at all?

How did all 3 children end up living with him? Who was watching them before you came along?

Since you aren't legally married you are vulnerable.
You might think about returning to work sometime next year. You'd probably feel better and more secure.

NeedsCharging · 18/12/2021 15:51

Your post makes no sense.

Your UC claim will be a joint claim and only include the first 2 children and the 3rd if born before April 2017. So Your DD will not be on the claim.

If you are only claiming child benefit for your DD who is claiming for the other 3?

100problems · 18/12/2021 15:53

You've waded into a situation where you've moved into a home with three kids, had another kid, given up work and are worried about a conversation about a joint account and not having an exit fund.

OP, the kids aren't the problem here.

NameChangeCity123 · 18/12/2021 15:55

I have never understood people who refer to their 'husbands' when they're not married... if you want a husband, get married. If not, you have a partner. It's cringey when you then have to back track and say 'oh we're not Actually married'

Agree with others, seems a lot of this is his money anyway and you knew he had other kids before you got together so feel like this was a conversation to have had years ago

Dishwashersaurous · 18/12/2021 15:56

Uc is a joint claim if you are a couple, so how don't you have a joint account?

RantyAunty · 18/12/2021 15:56

Can the benefits fraud posts stop.

That isn't what this thread is about.

For all any of us know OP might be in a vulnerable situation. It can be hard enough to post about issues as it is.

Toastmost · 18/12/2021 15:56

Well you're not married so...and are you claiming as a single mother or have you been honest about your living situation? If you want true financial independence get a job and then lay out lines in the sand.

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