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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not taking girlfriend to parents at Christmas....

85 replies

alientome · 18/12/2021 13:32

I have a girlfriend of 6 months.
Her family live down south and she is up north.
This is my first girlfriend and my mum doesn't know I'm gay.
I don't even know if I am myself.
Christmas Day I spend it with my mum (only child ,no other family left )
We normally have lunch at 2pm.
My girlfriend wants me to have lunch then go to my house and she comes over.
The problem is I don't want to leave my mum on her own at Christmas but I'm not ready to introduce my girlfriend to her either.

I said to my girlfriend why don't we spend Christmas morning together till 2pm
That's not enough for her
She's going to her friends for lunch then she said she will be home sitting alone.
I feel so guilty but I know my mum won't take me having a girlfriend well and I can't leave her on her own.

What the hell do I do now?
I can't please everyone
I wanted to spend Christmas morning with girlfriend and have a nice time but she has said no.

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 18/12/2021 13:39

A girlfriend of 6 months? Stopping her from being alone on Xmas day afternoon isn’t your responsibility. Not least because I’m sure she can stay after lunch with her friends.
I’d be considering whether a selfish attitude like hers made her serious girlfriend material.

Does she know you haven’t told your mum about your sexuality though? Is she doing this to try to get you to tell your mum that you have to come home to see your girlfriend?

kerkyra · 18/12/2021 13:39

How about both meeting back at yours at 6,then that's a good compromise and you will have spent quality time with your mum.
Though have to say your gf sounds a bit selfish,is this really what you want?

PrincessNutella · 18/12/2021 13:42

This is exactly what Christmas is about. It's where life gets real. This isn't about feeling guilty. This is about deciding what you value and who you are. For six months you have been in a relationship with your girlfriend and you have not told your mother. How long can that go on, realistically? If you aren't interested in being with a woman, it would be much easier if you broke up with your girlfriend today instead of leading her on. It is cruel to deceive her if you don't think you are gay and you don't want to be in a relationship with her. But if you do want to continue to be in a relationship with her, treat her with the dignity you would treat a male you had a relationship with. Bring her to meet your mother. Better yet, get on the phone today and tell your mother the good news that you are in a happy relationship with your girlfriend, and that you are bringing her for Christmas. Then your mother will be prepared to act appropriately when you come for the day.

Original poster

alientome · 18/12/2021 13:45

I thought she was staying at her friends.
She told me she stayed every year and I assumed this year would be the same.
I said let's spend New Year's Eve together.
She said it's not the same
I said it's not like we aren't seeing each other on Christmas Day.
We get 4 hours together
It's not enough

The days when she's at work I stay with my mum and she says I should be at mine so' she can come round after work if she feels like it.
I tried explaining I can't stay at home on the off chance she will pop around.

OP posts:

Original poster

alientome · 18/12/2021 13:46

Even if it was a guy I wouldn't be bringing him round after just 6 months

OP posts:

3scape · 18/12/2021 13:48

I'd consider it a bit of a red flag that she was being so pushy about the relationship

Cocomarine · 18/12/2021 13:50

@alientome

I thought she was staying at her friends. She told me she stayed every year and I assumed this year would be the same. I said let's spend New Year's Eve together. She said it's not the same I said it's not like we aren't seeing each other on Christmas Day. We get 4 hours together It's not enough

WTF is that about? After 6 months, why are you basing your visits to your mum around her work, and why is she trying to tell you where to stay? On a very limited snapshot: she’s controlling, and you need boundaries. And a different partner, male or female.

Woodmarsh · 18/12/2021 13:51

Yanbu, 6 months isn't a long relationship especially if you aren't 100% sure about it

RedorBlack · 18/12/2021 13:51

OP please be careful, I don't think the issue here is who you spend time with. At six months in this is very controlling behaviour and if she behaves like this now, what will she be like in 6 years. This is red flag behaviour through and through.

PigeonPigPie · 18/12/2021 13:51

She sounds a little overbearing and to be honest it sounds like you might not be a great fit...

MatildaTheCat · 18/12/2021 13:51

You don’t sound very sure about this relationship. If you were madly in love you’d be asking how to tell your mum about her.

There’s no answer that will please everyone here so just do what makes you happiest. But do consider whether she’s right for you as it seems she’s trying to push you into doing things you’re not comfortable with.

Poptart4 · 18/12/2021 13:53

She's being unreasonable. You have been together 6 months, spend Christmas with your mam and let her do what she always does.

She sounds controlling and manipulative.

Original poster

alientome · 18/12/2021 13:54

I do love her but at the same time when she's bossy it gets to me.
We went away for the weekend,she dictated what we did and when.
I needed a hour to get ready for the night and she was annoyed.
It's too much sometimes.
I have my family traditions and I will eventually be ready to introduce her but I want to go at my pace.

OP posts:

Dillydollydingdong · 18/12/2021 13:54

She's trying to control you, and to manipulate who you can see. She won't like your friends either. Better get out now!

ElfIsTheImposter · 18/12/2021 13:55

@3scape

I'd consider it a bit of a red flag that she was being so pushy about the relationship

I was thinking the same.

Regardless of your sexuality and not telling your mum yet, this is a relatively new relationship. You've offered a fair compromise of spending sometime together which your GF has declined because it doesn't suit her.

The bit about being expected to sit around waiting for her in case she wants to see you is alarming. What if you had other plans in the evening, say with friends etc? Would she be equally demanding to see you then?

Does everything on the relationship always need to be on her terms?

purpleboy · 18/12/2021 13:57

Get out of this op, she is controlling and it won't ever get any better, only worse. Don't let her tell you what you can or can't do. Either be really firm with her and don't let her tell you what to do or walk away.

Original poster

alientome · 18/12/2021 13:57

Because I spend time at my mums I sometimes stay over she doesn't like it.
She said I should be a adult and stay at mine
Then the nights she finishes at 6 pm she can come over.
I said if you tell me the days you want to come over I will be there waiting for you.

OP posts:

ThirdElephant · 18/12/2021 13:58

Doesn't sound great, OP. Stop trying to be conciliatory- be very blunt and immovable on this and she'll either learn that her tactics won't work and will pack it in or it'll end the relationship, but you really shouldn't let her set this sort of thing as a precedent!

A couple I know spent Christmas apart with their separate families until 7 years into the relationship! Six months is nothing.

Momijin · 18/12/2021 14:01

I see two issues. If you love her then you're at least bisexual. You questioning your sexuality and wondering if youre not gay,may be because youre scared of telling your mum.

I would probably not bring a 6 month old boyfriend to my family's xmas, unless possibly if he didn't have anywhere else to go.

It sounds like you have to stop people controlling you and start doing what you want to do and seeing who you want to see. (I say this as I've been controlled by my parents for most of my life - or they've tried to).

whiteroseredrose · 18/12/2021 14:04

Red flags here i think.

Six months is a very short time and she is showing you what she is really like.

Spend Christmas Day with your mum and stay over if you want. Don't be dictated too otherwise she will take over your life.

FinallyHere · 18/12/2021 14:05

She said I should be a adult and stay at mine

Being an adult isn't about doing certain things, it's about deciding for yourself what you do.

I would not be prepared to accept being put under this level of pressure by anyone. It wouldn't have lasted anything like six months for me, I'd be saying 'this doesn't work for me' regardless.

What makes you think you should put up with being treated like this? Is it possible that you are used to being told what to do by your parent so that this somehow feels 'normal' or even like 'love'?

It's really not. Hope you work out what you want to do, without pressure from anyone else. Welcome to adulthood.

Cocomarine · 18/12/2021 14:07

@alientome

Because I spend time at my mums I sometimes stay over she doesn't like it. She said I should be a adult and stay at mine Then the nights she finishes at 6 pm she can come over. I said if you tell me the days you want to come over I will be there waiting for you.

How have you not just told her to sod off yet?! Although, I’d be interested to know if her dislike of you being close to your mum and choosing to spend time with her, is because of your mum’s homophobia. She still sounds controlling though.

LowlandLucky · 18/12/2021 14:08

PrincessNutella everything you say makes perfect sense apart from telling her Mum that she will be bringing her GF over on Christmas day. Pretty sure she should be asking her Mum if it is ok if she can bring someone to lunch.

Travis1 · 18/12/2021 14:10

Honestly she’s a walking red flag. Make or female is seriously reconsider this relationship. It is not healthy

AngelinaFibres · 18/12/2021 14:10

@3scape

I'd consider it a bit of a red flag that she was being so pushy about the relationship

This. She sounds very controlling

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