Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not taking girlfriend to parents at Christmas....

85 replies

alientome · 18/12/2021 13:32

I have a girlfriend of 6 months.
Her family live down south and she is up north.
This is my first girlfriend and my mum doesn't know I'm gay.
I don't even know if I am myself.
Christmas Day I spend it with my mum (only child ,no other family left )
We normally have lunch at 2pm.
My girlfriend wants me to have lunch then go to my house and she comes over.
The problem is I don't want to leave my mum on her own at Christmas but I'm not ready to introduce my girlfriend to her either.

I said to my girlfriend why don't we spend Christmas morning together till 2pm
That's not enough for her
She's going to her friends for lunch then she said she will be home sitting alone.
I feel so guilty but I know my mum won't take me having a girlfriend well and I can't leave her on her own.

What the hell do I do now?
I can't please everyone
I wanted to spend Christmas morning with girlfriend and have a nice time but she has said no.

OP posts:
altiara · 18/12/2021 14:14

Apart from OP saying she wouldn’t take anyone make or female to Christmas dinner at her mum’s after 6 months.

Op, if you want to go slow, then go slow. If girlfriend doesn’t like it, then you’re both free to say it’s not working out. Good luck

Winniewonka · 18/12/2021 14:14

Why is everything on HER terms? Honestly, i would be having second thoughts about whether she is the right one for you.

CharlotteRose90 · 18/12/2021 14:15

She sounds too controlling sorry. At 6 months you should be in the honeymoon stage still not worrying about your partner being upset because you spend Christmas with your mum. It’s Christmas therefore family time. Don’t let her dictate your life like she is, tell her you will see her Boxing Day and Christmas day is with your mum. I’d be walking away if it was me.

Original poster
alientome · 18/12/2021 14:16

She is working all day Christmas Eve till 11pm and Boxing Day till 2am
I would never make her guilty for this

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 18/12/2021 14:16

It doesn't seem like the most compatible relationship yet, as not in tune with eachother at the moment.

RedRobin100 · 18/12/2021 14:18

I think after 6 months your plan sounds very sensible. Her Christmas is not your responsibility and I don’t think she should be demanding you to change your plans like that.

You ARE being an adult and deciding for yourself what you want to do…she should be respecting that.

Also - it’s only been six months. She sounds a bit much.

TractorAndHeadphones · 18/12/2021 14:18

Controlling red flags stay away

Pinkbonbon · 18/12/2021 14:19

@3scape

I'd consider it a bit of a red flag that she was being so pushy about the relationship
Absolutely.

She sounds like a pushy git tbh.
And creepy too boot tbh.

Of course you spend xmas with your mum. If your gf doesn't like it, tell her to jog on.

CharlotteRose90 · 18/12/2021 14:20

She is controlling you and you aren’t getting it. You aren’t ready to introduce her to your family . See her on the 27th. Sounds like you see her all the time. Spend Christmas with your mum and see her after it. We get you don’t want to hurt her feelings but you need too she can’t keep you like a prisoner under her guard.

ChargingBuck · 18/12/2021 14:20

The days when she's at work I stay with my mum and she says I should be at mine so' she can come round after work if she feels like it.

She sounds like hard work.
6 months in, & she's posturing about "spending xmas all alone" when she has friends to visit, & the opportunity to enjoy 4 hours with you.
But instead, she wants to throw the baby out with the bathwater, & pout about her imaginary alone-ness.

It's not up to her to dictate where you stay after work either.
It's telling that she thinks you should wait in at yours, at her beck & call, in case she decides she wants to visit on a whim.

There's a lack of basic respect & courtesy here, & I suspect she is only going to get more manipulative & controlling OP.

Landof · 18/12/2021 14:20

Sorry but I think you have bigger issues really. You shouldn't be using her as am experiment to see if you are gay/ bi. It isn't fair on her!

Otherwise I agree that she is being OTT and shouldn't be putting this pressure on you.

TheCatterall · 18/12/2021 14:23

OP my advice is the same as several others. Her behaviour at only 6 months into the relationship is already showing worrying controlling traits.

Trying to tell you how you should spend your free time during the week? Who you should be with etc. Before you know it you’ll hardly see your mum as the agro from your girlfriend won’t be worth it. It will happen slowly.

She’s an adult and can make alternative plans and should have discussed this with you weeks ago as I’m sure she was aware of your plans.

Spend the day with your mum. Any decent girlfriend/partner of 6 months would understand how important this is to you. She’s trying to give you ultimatums. Nip this controlling behaviour in the bud now. Stand up for yourself more and stop being so ready to bend to her every whim and demand.

Original poster
alientome · 18/12/2021 14:23

The thing is she won't be alone.
She can stay at her friends house (which she always does)
As they are close like sisters
She said now I have a girlfriend
I shouldn't have to stay with a friend
I should spend a few hours with my mum then the rest with her.

OP posts:
Therealjudgejudy · 18/12/2021 14:23

Red flags waving all over the gaff....

thatsallineed · 18/12/2021 14:26

I would never make her guilty for this She seems intent on manipulating you into doing what she wants and fitting your life around her plans.

Spend Christmas Day with your mum. Go home when you are ready to go home, and stop letting this bossy-boots girlfriend dictate where you go and what you do.

You know things aren't quite right because you've posted on here for advice, so maybe it is time to start thinking about what you really want from a relationship?

BlueCherryBlossom · 18/12/2021 14:27

I don't think this is a relationship that's going to stand the test of time. 6 months isn't long, but it's also long enough to learn a lot about the person you are with, and yourself.

Regardless of the controlling she does, the fact that you aren't willing to introduce her to your parents whilst in your next breath saying 'I'm not sure I'm even gay' speaks volumes.

Perhaps she is picking up on your doubts and is behaving in needy ways because she is feeling vulnerable?

Perhaps the whole Christmas thing will force decisions that need making- to commit or walk 🤷‍♀️

IgneousRock · 18/12/2021 14:28

Just say no OP. She sounds really pushy.

Dozer · 18/12/2021 14:31

Spend xmas with your mum.

Discuss your sexuality with your mum another time.

Don’t do what GF is requesting on this, and as PPs say it sounds like you could do to be more assertive with her in general, if you want to continue to date her.

FinallyHere · 18/12/2021 14:32

I would never make her guilty for this

So why accept this behaviour from a partner ? A partner who is trying to make you feel guilty about your own choices?

That's not how it works in good relationship.

You really don't have to accept being treated badly, by anyone.

DomPom47 · 18/12/2021 14:33

I would seriously reconsider this relationship. You should not be in a relationship with someone who makes such demands on you, isn’t willing to hear your point or view and is controlling. Don’t over think it and leave.

blacksax · 18/12/2021 14:37

@alientome

The thing is she won't be alone. She can stay at her friends house (which she always does) As they are close like sisters She said now I have a girlfriend I shouldn't have to stay with a friend I should spend a few hours with my mum then the rest with her.
She said. Did she now? Domineering so-and-so isn't she?

Don't let her guilt-trip you into doing what she wants. And definitely don't let her start controlling the amount of time you spend with your family. That's how abusers start.

girlbaby85 · 18/12/2021 14:38

For six months you have been in a relationship with your girlfriend and you have not told your mother. How long can that go on, realistically?

Sorry but it's been 6 months not 6 years. 6 months is so early to be telling your parents about them? Especially if you're not sure about the relationship

MrsWhites · 18/12/2021 14:39

I don’t like the sound of this.

She is trying to force your hand to address your sexuality with your mum when you aren’t ready to do that. She’s manipulating you and that’s not ok.

Your compromise of Christmas morning was fine OP, stand your ground. She sounds like she wants you to be around whenever she wants at the drop of a hat, don’t fall for that!

firsttimeclock · 18/12/2021 14:42

6 months to me is a really long time to be with someone. Surely you know after that long where you stand.

I think the big issue you have here is "I don't know if I'm gay."

If you were head over heels with this girl
A) you'd want to introduce her to everyone you meet because that's what you do when you're in love with The One
B) less sure about this point , but if you were certain about her, surely you'd be certain about your sexuality?

I don't think this is about Christmas, I think it's about Christmas highlighting some uncertains

TopCatsTopHat · 18/12/2021 14:42

The dynamic she's trying to exert here is not balanced it's toxic newscaster she isn't being sensitive to anything except her own wishes.
Personally I'd be walking away from this relationship.

Swipe left for the next trending thread