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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not taking girlfriend to parents at Christmas....

85 replies

alientome · 18/12/2021 13:32

I have a girlfriend of 6 months.
Her family live down south and she is up north.
This is my first girlfriend and my mum doesn't know I'm gay.
I don't even know if I am myself.
Christmas Day I spend it with my mum (only child ,no other family left )
We normally have lunch at 2pm.
My girlfriend wants me to have lunch then go to my house and she comes over.
The problem is I don't want to leave my mum on her own at Christmas but I'm not ready to introduce my girlfriend to her either.

I said to my girlfriend why don't we spend Christmas morning together till 2pm
That's not enough for her
She's going to her friends for lunch then she said she will be home sitting alone.
I feel so guilty but I know my mum won't take me having a girlfriend well and I can't leave her on her own.

What the hell do I do now?
I can't please everyone
I wanted to spend Christmas morning with girlfriend and have a nice time but she has said no.

OP posts:
UserBot314 · 18/12/2021 14:42

She should get that the situation is complicated! You've not been denying her existence for a third christmas in a row.

I think her unwillingness to understand that you're not dragging your first ever girlfriend over on christmas day of all days when your mum doesn't even know you might be gay is ................... overwhelming.

Original poster
alientome · 18/12/2021 14:45

All my friends know about her.
It's only my mum (who is late 70s,very old fashioned ) and a bit of a strange one.
It's hard to know how to approach the subject

When I said I didn't know if I'm gay
I meant whether I'm bisexual or gay.
Obviously attracted to women but as I've had boyfriends I don't know if that makes me bisexual

OP posts:
UserBot314 · 18/12/2021 14:45

I went out with somebody for three years and never told my parents.

I just didn't want to though. I was 47-50 though. We weren't going to have kids! He wasn't a secret. But we are just grownups and weren't going to be inserting ourselves in to an established life after a few months.

Actually, this Christmas, my 18 year old dd who I assumed would eat with me, seems to be dithering about that. I know my x would come over if i asked him, so this year is the first year, five years after meeting him that I'd invite him over on Xmas day! And only because my DD might not commit to eating with me!

I'm not pressuring her either way, just want her to decide.

UserBot314 · 18/12/2021 14:46

@alientome

All my friends know about her. It's only my mum (who is late 70s,very old fashioned ) and a bit of a strange one. It's hard to know how to approach the subject

When I said I didn't know if I'm gay
I meant whether I'm bisexual or gay.
Obviously attracted to women but as I've had boyfriends I don't know if that makes me bisexual

That's a lot to hit your family of origin with on CHRISTMAS DAY.

THIS conversation would be better on a rainy Tuesday mid January.

huuskymam · 18/12/2021 15:01

She seems very controlling. It's only been six months and she wants you sitting in waiting for her, making you feel guilty for not wanting to leave your mother in Xmas day, dictating what you do on holidays. I'd be rethinking this relationship, it will only get worse for you.

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 18/12/2021 15:35

Make a stand. Tell her you are spending Christmas Day with your Mum. There are many other days you can do something special together if you wish.

100problems · 18/12/2021 15:46

Yeah, Christmas isn't the time to drop this one on your mum, especially if you're not absolutely sure yourself.

That's the sort of thing that happens in Eastenders, where it sounds like your GF is getting her script too.

scottishnames · 18/12/2021 17:41

She sounds like a bully OP, or, at the very least, manipulative and troublingly needy. That's not healthy in any relationship, of whatever gender. She's making it all about HER. If she had any real respect for you, she'd consider what you'd like to do and also your Mother's feelings.

As others have said, spend the day with your mother. There's no real reason not to - from your point of view, based on what you've said. And talk to your mother about your feelings when YOU feel ready to, and when YOU judge is a good time from your mother's point of view. Why would you not? This is between you and her. No-one else has any right to intervene.

ZenNudist · 18/12/2021 17:45

At 6 months I'd be seeing my family for Christmas,they can see theirs, and regardless of sex or sexuality . I'd see them at new years.

Very demanding. See your mum and if your gf doesn't like it then end it. Find someone less overbearing.

AdaFuckingShelby · 18/12/2021 17:49

She sounds like hard work. There are too many opinions about what you should and shouldn't be doing. I'd get out of this relationship asap if I were in your shoes.

sunshinesupermum · 18/12/2021 17:53

I agree with AdaFuckingShelby your girlfriend is far too controlling. Spend as much time as YOU want with your mother on Xmas Day.

Original poster
alientome · 18/12/2021 18:51

Thanks your responses have made me feel a bit better about it
I felt like the worst person in the world earlier

OP posts:
JustLyra · 18/12/2021 18:58

@alientome

Because I spend time at my mums I sometimes stay over she doesn't like it. She said I should be a adult and stay at mine Then the nights she finishes at 6 pm she can come over. I said if you tell me the days you want to come over I will be there waiting for you.
That's massively controlling.

It's NOT childish to have a good relationship with your Mum and stay with her.

It is utterly childish, and bratty, to get huffy when your girlfriend of six months wants to see their parent.

The use of "Red flag" is overused on here, but in this case it's absolutely justified.

Maray1967 · 18/12/2021 19:46

My son and his gf have been together for over 3 years. He’s going to hers ( her parents) for a few hours in the middle of Christmas Day and will be back at ours before we have dinner at 5. They’re both happy with that, seems a good plan .
I would be concerned that this is too much pressure only 6 months in.

madisonbridges · 18/12/2021 20:02

@PrincessNutella

This is exactly what Christmas is about. It's where life gets real. This isn't about feeling guilty. This is about deciding what you value and who you are. For six months you have been in a relationship with your girlfriend and you have not told your mother. How long can that go on, realistically? If you aren't interested in being with a woman, it would be much easier if you broke up with your girlfriend today instead of leading her on. It is cruel to deceive her if you don't think you are gay and you don't want to be in a relationship with her. But if you do want to continue to be in a relationship with her, treat her with the dignity you would treat a male you had a relationship with. Bring her to meet your mother. Better yet, get on the phone today and tell your mother the good news that you are in a happy relationship with your girlfriend, and that you are bringing her for Christmas. Then your mother will be prepared to act appropriately when you come for the day.
I don't think Christmas is about coming out to your mother nor is it about getting real. It's up to the op what she wants to tell to whom and when. She can spend Christmas with who she wants to. She has offered to spend time together with her girlfriend who isn't happy with that but is trying to guilt her into changing a routine that the op would like to keep to. It doesn't matter how long she can go on not telling her mother, that's her business and not her girlfriend's. She should tell her mother when she feels ready not when other people feel it's right.
IncompleteSenten · 18/12/2021 20:09

Some red flags here op. You are to stay at home alone in case she wants to pop in?
Fuck that.
This is about more than Christmas day.

Tal45 · 18/12/2021 20:13

I don't think she sounds controlling, it just sounds to me like she wants a lot more from this relationship than you're willing to give and perhaps you'd be better off splitting if you want such different things.

If I was in a relationship I would want to spend Christmas day with that person and my parents would be fine with that. Does she even know that you haven't told your mum about her? To me that's what's weird. I want the person I'm with to love me and be proud of me not want to keep me secret from their family for whatever reason. You can't control your mothers reaction, you can only be you and as your mother she should accept you for who you are. She can then chose to spend Christmas with you and your girlfriend or she can chose to spend it alone, she is the one controlling this situation IMO by being a 'strange one' and making you fear her reaction to you being gay/bi.

JustLyra · 18/12/2021 20:26

@Tal45

I don't think she sounds controlling, it just sounds to me like she wants a lot more from this relationship than you're willing to give and perhaps you'd be better off splitting if you want such different things.

If I was in a relationship I would want to spend Christmas day with that person and my parents would be fine with that. Does she even know that you haven't told your mum about her? To me that's what's weird. I want the person I'm with to love me and be proud of me not want to keep me secret from their family for whatever reason. You can't control your mothers reaction, you can only be you and as your mother she should accept you for who you are. She can then chose to spend Christmas with you and your girlfriend or she can chose to spend it alone, she is the one controlling this situation IMO by being a 'strange one' and making you fear her reaction to you being gay/bi.

You don't think it's controlling to tell the OP she should be at home every evening just in case she wants to visit when she finishes work?
Christmascakecakecheese · 18/12/2021 20:35

You don't have to give yourself a label, just date who you want to.

But yes please watch yourself with someone who has controlling tendencies, you shouldn't always be bending over backwards for the other person, there should be compromises.

HelloDulling · 18/12/2021 20:44

None of this sounds great. You are clearly not in the same place with this relationship, Christmas or no Christmas.

Original poster
alientome · 18/12/2021 20:55

I wouldn't say I want different things than her.
I just always spend Xmas with my mum and I'm not ready to introduce her yet.
I don't want to rush

OP posts:
JustLyra · 18/12/2021 20:57

Please do not let Christmas blind you to the other issues.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 18/12/2021 21:02

Worryingly she seems like she only wants you to be spending time with her.. She hasn't the monopoly on your time op. Not at Xmas and not at all.

Crimeismymiddlename · 18/12/2021 21:07

It does seem that your girlfriend wants you at her beck and call. Thinking you should be waiting in at home just in case she wants to come over is not standard relationship behaviour. Spend Xmas with your mum. Six months is far to soon to be spending Xmas together, and it is inappropriate for your girlfriend to meet her for the first time on the day.
The fact she is forcing the issue is concerning.

OkThenJustChill · 18/12/2021 21:18

She sounds bonkers and controlling. Is this really what you want for the rest of your life?