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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a courtesy text about going out out

79 replies

Liopleuradon · 17/12/2021 03:43

DH went on a work meal tonight at about 7pm said he wasnt sure what the plans were whether they were having a couple of drinks etc. I went to bed as normal, woke up abruptly at 3am as he wasnt home. Texted and called to see where he was. Eventually texted back to say that hes gone out out with his work mates. I'm now wide awake because when I feel anxious I get stomach aches and have to be up in 3 hours to do the school run. He has to be at work at 8.30am tomorrow, I asked him to please in future just give me a courtesy text to let me know he wont be back and hes told me that I'm being unreasonable because he told me he wasnt sure what his plans were for the meal. Aibu to be annoyed?

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QueenofLouisiana · 17/12/2021 04:19

I’d feel the same- down to the stomach ache! It’s not that I’d object, not at all, I’d just like to know he’s ok and is out out, not unwell.
I think he may feel less great about his drinks with mates at 8 o clock.
Try a warm rink and doze off again?

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2021 04:27

Your husband is so discourteous and disrespectful. I would not be impressed.

MyOtherProfile · 17/12/2021 04:29

That's just rude. Even with flat mates we would always just check in if we weren't coming home.

Original poster
Liopleuradon · 17/12/2021 04:29

Thanks @QueenofLouisiana he got home about 20 minutes and told me I'm being ridiculous and trying to keep him on a dog leash. I dont care what he does, it's his headache hes going to have but an ounce of respect wouldn't go amiss. We had a conversation last week about something similar whenever left at midnight when I was asleep went clubbing and came home at 2.30am when I was working the next day and he had the kids. I'm wrapping the kids teachers presents up as I have to be up in an hour and 15 minutes with the kids and cant fall back asleep. Men eh.

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Original poster
Liopleuradon · 17/12/2021 04:32

@Aquamarine1029 he told me he didnt see what the problem is and that I'm trying to keep him on a dog leash

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Evergreenblue · 17/12/2021 04:38

Sorry Op as a single dad who can't sleep either, he's being disrespectful. It's just common courtesy to let you know he is safe and stop any worry. I would never have done that to my DW when she was around.

SelfIdentifiedRightsHoarder · 17/12/2021 04:41

I agree with PPs, I would find this very disrespectful and rude. You don't need to know all the ins and outs, but a simple message just so that you know he is safe and won't be back until late is hardly keeping him on a leash! I would expect the same courtesy from a housemate. Probably not best to have a discussion about it now, wait until he's sobered up. I hope you're not too tired for work today!

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2021 04:41

[quote Liopleuradon]@Aquamarine1029 he told me he didnt see what the problem is and that I'm trying to keep him on a dog leash[/quote]
A dog's leash? Really? Hmm... I'd be wondering what he's got up to. Such a defensive response about something that is common fucking courtesy is very interesting.

SuPerDoPer · 17/12/2021 04:49

I guess if you are an anxious person and he knows this then he probably should have learned by now to keep you informed of his movements but it's not something I would expect from a partner.

Original poster
Liopleuradon · 17/12/2021 04:59

@evergreenblue thanks, I hope you can fall asleep soon Smile

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Original poster
Liopleuradon · 17/12/2021 05:02

@aquamarine1029 I know, the red flags are ringing. Unfortunately he works with all mid 20's women and they're all very close. I've never had any problems with them going out for meals or texting or going on nights out until last week when he cleared off in the middle of the night when I was asleep to go clubbing

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Lasair · 17/12/2021 05:02

Surely the normal response to can you text me in future is “oh gosh yes of course sorry!”

Original poster
Liopleuradon · 17/12/2021 05:12

@lasair you'd have thought so. I think if I found out he was having an affair hed still be able to justify it within himself that it's my fault. It's a gift he has

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NewtoHolland · 17/12/2021 05:52

He sounds like a piece of work!
Obviously YANBU just a little text saying he's OK and it's moved on to clubbing. That's not about any kind of dog leash ...just being vaguely kind and respectful.
Popping out in the middle of the night is a bit of a weird one too.
Is he always so unkind?
Hope you get him to read the thread.

Jengnr · 17/12/2021 05:53

Tell him you’re taking the leash off. Permanently.

Fucking off out in the middle of the night is completely out of order.

Original poster
Liopleuradon · 17/12/2021 06:01

@newtoholland hes phenomenally charming until he isnt then he has no consideration and gas lights me into believing that I'm this crazy person. That's why I made this thread because I knew what was coming and wanted an outside perspective otherwise hell make me feel like I'm in the wrong

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Cocogreen · 17/12/2021 06:06

He went clubbing in the night, sneaking out without telling you!
Is he having a midlife crisis? What a tool.
I don't blame you for thinking he's a dick.

Shoxfordian · 17/12/2021 06:11

I wouldn’t be overly bothered by this tbh but it sounds like you are. What are you anxious about? He shouldn’t have to check in because of your anxiety

MimiDaisy11 · 17/12/2021 06:11

What if he was lying hurt somewhere, wouldn’t he be annoyed that you didn’t show concern he wasn’t home?

He is inconsiderate. Texting to say he’s going out drinking and will be back late is just being polite. It’s hardly a leash.

Original poster
Liopleuradon · 17/12/2021 06:14

@cocogreen no hes only 25 so completely the opposite, we had our first child when we were 18 and have been together 10 years so I think hes punishing me for taking away his youth Hmm

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Original poster
Liopleuradon · 17/12/2021 06:19

@shoxfordian I'm not usually anxious but I was told he was going for a meal at 7pm the day before. I hadn't heard from him in 8 hours and he had work in 5 hours. I was worried something had happened, I wouldn't dream of just clearing off all night it's just rude

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Dollywilde · 17/12/2021 06:19

The works do wouldn’t actually bother me too much, DH had something similar where he had told me last week he thought it would be a couple of pints then home, they wound up in a late bar til 2 and it took him 90 mins to get home so he was also in at 4.30am. However…

  1. I’d be annoyed at his response - when I pointed out to DH that a text would have been nice he was apologetic and agreed he should have text me to keep me updated. Your DH shouldn’t be jumping down your throat for pointing out that it’s disrespectful.
  2. He snuck out in the middle of the night the other day to go clubbing? Have I understood that correctly? That’s really really odd and tbh would have me wondering if there was more going on too.
Corbally · 17/12/2021 06:22

I wouldn’t be at all bothered by the first instance, but him getting up and disappearing surreptitiously at midnight to go clubbing is quite odd. Having said that he’s 25 with at least two children, one born when you were both just 18, and you’ve been a couple since the age of 15 — that sounds like a classic example of tying yourselves down too young?

Original poster
Liopleuradon · 17/12/2021 06:27

@Corbally everyone uses the tying down too young thing to excuse his behaviour, hes brought it up on occasion too but it doesn't mean I deserve less respect. I'm not handcuffing him so he cant leave

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Original poster
Liopleuradon · 17/12/2021 06:31

To clarify. I dont care that he went out I'm upset that he didnt let me know when I've asked him to do it previously so I woke up at 3am and havent been back to sleep and when I spoke to him he cant see why I am annoyed

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