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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a courtesy text about going out out

79 replies

Liopleuradon · 17/12/2021 03:43

DH went on a work meal tonight at about 7pm said he wasnt sure what the plans were whether they were having a couple of drinks etc. I went to bed as normal, woke up abruptly at 3am as he wasnt home. Texted and called to see where he was. Eventually texted back to say that hes gone out out with his work mates. I'm now wide awake because when I feel anxious I get stomach aches and have to be up in 3 hours to do the school run. He has to be at work at 8.30am tomorrow, I asked him to please in future just give me a courtesy text to let me know he wont be back and hes told me that I'm being unreasonable because he told me he wasnt sure what his plans were for the meal. Aibu to be annoyed?

OP posts:

Corbally · 17/12/2021 06:33

[quote Liopleuradon]@Corbally everyone uses the tying down too young thing to excuse his behaviour, hes brought it up on occasion too but it doesn't mean I deserve less respect. I'm not handcuffing him so he cant leave[/quote]
I’m not suggesting YOU have ‘tied him down’ in the slightest — presumably the decision to get married and have babies so early in life was a mutual one, and one he needs to abide by — but you said he ‘works with all mid-20s’ workmates, when he’s mid-20s himself. If he’s sneaking out in the middle of the night to go clubbing, he’s signalling dissatisfaction with his own earlier choices.

5128gap · 17/12/2021 06:36

You are perfectly reasonable to have wanted a text to update you on his plans. Unfortunately when challenging him you brought other things into the mix that for him has diluted your reasonable argument, such as your anxiety, inability to sleep, that he works with a lot of women, and Christmas chores, which are to do with him going out, not whether he told you or not. As a result your key point has got lost in a lot of what he will hear as white noise about you not wanting him to go out. My advice, when you have a valid point, make that firmly and consistently and leave it there.

Original poster

Liopleuradon · 17/12/2021 06:38

@corbally I've kind of figured out hes dissatisfied but we tried to make the best out of an unexpected situation. I'm over the going out and being a bit reckless part of my life but I've never stopped him doing it. He can go out whenever he wants all I want is respect

OP posts:

MyOtherProfile · 17/12/2021 06:38

Woah! He snuck out in the night to go clubbing, presumably with the mid 20s women he works with? He wants a different life, it seems.

rwalker · 17/12/2021 06:40

Your not his mum me and DW never text/conact each other when out with friends can't see the point of checking in .

I would find it suffocating to go out and have to report back in your and adult .

The rule with us if you need help or not alright check in then . He's a grown man ,
Stuck at home with kids what could you do anyway seem a bit controlling to me .

milkieway · 17/12/2021 06:41

I think it's more his reaction that is most concerning that he makes you feel like your the one who is wrong / crazy / he's gaslighting you etc

It's not right for someone to make you feel like that ...

5128gap · 17/12/2021 06:46

I'd also say that if you want a future its really important you consider how you might both build time in your lives for some 'age appropriate' activities. Presuming you both want this, clearly he does. The odds of settling in your teens and remaining settled, with no desire to go out etc, are not good. You need to address how to meet your needs for this within the restrictions of your family life and relationship, otherwise one or both of you may reach a point where you meet them outside of it, which is where he is heading.

TinselTitsAndGlitteryBits · 17/12/2021 06:49

[quote Liopleuradon]@aquamarine1029 I know, the red flags are ringing. Unfortunately he works with all mid 20's women and they're all very close. I've never had any problems with them going out for meals or texting or going on nights out until last week when he cleared off in the middle of the night when I was asleep to go clubbing[/quote]
He went out in the middle of the night when you were sleeping?!

Serious red flags, OP.

I'm sorry he's doing this to you. Does he have any redeeming features?
I'd be thinking about leaving him to be quite honest.

chocolateorangeinhaler · 17/12/2021 06:49

Well. If this happens all the time I would be annoyed but if it's a one off I'd let it go, it's happened now.
If alcohol is involved you are not dealing with your DH but a boys that's now under the control of alcohol. The others could have been egging him on to join them and have fun.
He did say he was going to go out and didn't know what the plans were so you were aware that there wasn't a time he would be back for definite.
Not sure what the relevance of a stomach ache is but your lack of sleep along with the hangover he will have today is enough to create a very unpleasant atmosphere that he won't forget for a while.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander so at least if you are ever in this situation he won't be able to be cross at you about it.

ballsdeep · 17/12/2021 06:49

@Cocogreen

He went clubbing in the night, sneaking out without telling you! Is he having a midlife crisis? What a tool. I don't blame you for thinking he's a dick.

Or an affair

Original poster

Liopleuradon · 17/12/2021 06:55

@ballsdeep I did ask him but he claims a female work collegue wanted to meet someone in a club they had been talking to and wanted him to come so she wouldn't be on her own

OP posts:

Original poster

Liopleuradon · 17/12/2021 06:56

@chocolateorangeinhaler I'm tempted to say I'm popping to the shop round the corner once the kids are in bed but going to the cinema instead and see whether it's a big deal

OP posts:

Offmyfence · 17/12/2021 06:57

[quote Liopleuradon]@lasair you'd have thought so. I think if I found out he was having an affair hed still be able to justify it within himself that it's my fault. It's a gift he has[/quote]
That's very concerning...

Corbally · 17/12/2021 06:58

@5128gap

I think that’s a fair post.

OP, I’m assuming by ‘unexpected situation’, you mean your first pregnancy was unplanned? But you refer to ‘children’. It sounds as though you’ve embraced a lifestyle that 25 year old me would have considered middle-aged, but he hasn’t. That seems to me to be at the crux of things, rather than texting on a night out. You do also sound very anxious, but perhaps that comes from recognising that you’re dealing in very different ways with the consequences of having a child in your teens?

ballsdeep · 17/12/2021 06:58

[quote Liopleuradon]@ballsdeep I did ask him but he claims a female work collegue wanted to meet someone in a club they had been talking to and wanted him to come so she wouldn't be on her own[/quote]

MolkosTeenageAngst · 17/12/2021 07:02

[quote Liopleuradon]@chocolateorangeinhaler I'm tempted to say I'm popping to the shop round the corner once the kids are in bed but going to the cinema instead and see whether it's a big deal[/quote]
This is a great plan!

rattlemehearties · 17/12/2021 07:09

"Men eh"

No, OP. Your man. Most men I know are not this shit. Based on everything you've said here I'd dump him, it's not going to work out.

BunsOfAnarchy · 17/12/2021 07:09

He snuck out clubbing so she wasn't on her own?

What?!

And you say he's punishing you for taking away his youth?! It's his kid too right?!

My god OP, please just have a think about what's happening here. He is ultra defensive, pisses off unannounced in the middle of the night and then doesn't even tell u that he's gonna be out out after starting a meal at 7pm.

LTB. Its just too much like the beginnings of the end here

Original poster

Liopleuradon · 17/12/2021 07:15

@Corbally our first child was a bit of teenage recklessness, our second was a genuine contraception failure so both weren't particularly planned. I'm more than aware hes still got a few things to get out of his system but I'm not forcing him to stay and try and be understanding all I wanted was a little bit of reciprocated respect and I'm not usually anxious, I just woke up abruptly because I realised he wasnt at home at 3am after going out 8 hours ago for a burger (the stomach ache wasnt directly linked to to the anxiety I've had long covid for the last 6 months and am sick whenever I have any kind of abrupt emotion or eat anything even slightly tasty )

OP posts:

itsgettingwierd · 17/12/2021 07:15

Well the same argument about taking youth surely could be said for him about you? (I'm assuming you're same age?)

He took away you're youth when he impregnated you. When he left you to grow a baby for 9 months and feed it etc.

The point is it's take 2 to make a baby and it should be 2 raising it.

I'd be telling him that you will happily give him the life he wants to do as he pleases and divorce him. That the 50% of the time he doesn't have D.C. he can please himself without texts.

TolkiensFallow · 17/12/2021 07:16

He snuck out in the middle of the night to go clubbing with another woman? This isn’t ok.

CoverYourselfInChocolateGlory · 17/12/2021 07:20

I agree with you, OP, but I wouldn't have tried to discuss it at 4.30am when he'd just got back. Definitely wouldn't expect that conversation to go well. Find a calmer time when you don't both feel like shit.

Original poster

Liopleuradon · 17/12/2021 07:20

@bunsofanarchy I think that you're right I've been trying to be lenient but I've just been putting off the inevitable. I've just never been on my own before

OP posts:

Original poster

Liopleuradon · 17/12/2021 07:23

@tolkiensfallow that's what I said but he said I was keeping him on a dog leash then too and didnt want him having a social life

OP posts:

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 17/12/2021 07:29

It's got fuck all to do with you putting him on a dog leash, he knows he's wrong and rather than apologising, he's attacking you and making it your fault.

He's bloody rude and also a bit of a twat.

I love the idea of telling him your off to grab some milk and then taking yourself off to the cinema.

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