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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect a courtesy text about going out out

79 replies

Liopleuradon · 17/12/2021 03:43

DH went on a work meal tonight at about 7pm said he wasnt sure what the plans were whether they were having a couple of drinks etc. I went to bed as normal, woke up abruptly at 3am as he wasnt home. Texted and called to see where he was. Eventually texted back to say that hes gone out out with his work mates. I'm now wide awake because when I feel anxious I get stomach aches and have to be up in 3 hours to do the school run. He has to be at work at 8.30am tomorrow, I asked him to please in future just give me a courtesy text to let me know he wont be back and hes told me that I'm being unreasonable because he told me he wasnt sure what his plans were for the meal. Aibu to be annoyed?

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 17/12/2021 07:31

Wow he’s gotYou right where he wants you hasn’t he? He suits himself, moans about how horrible you’ve been by having and caring for his children, while enjoying all the benefits of family and married life if it suits him.

What’s your financial situation? And does he pull his weight with kids and housework when he’s not being an arsehole?

And your right it’s not about him going out: it’s about lack of respect to communicate with you and the imbalance that you have never even been out yourself.

oohmama · 17/12/2021 07:32

Why are you with him?

BirdyBirdyTweetTweet · 17/12/2021 07:36

This feels all too familiar. I'm sorry to say but I think this relationship is on its way out.

Peakedtoosoon · 17/12/2021 07:41

But you knew he was going out? With uncertain plans for "after" a week before Christmas I'd expect to se him when I saw him. I'd be very cross if I hadn't been told anything, but OK with this.

You can't pick a fight by text at 3am, if there's a discussion to be had, that's for later.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 17/12/2021 07:44

My ex did this to me more thN once and used to think l was being too needy when l asked him to let me know where he was.
So l did it to him once....slipped off the radar for the evening and only then did the penny drop to him.
We didn't have kids though so was quite easy to do.

Technosaurus · 17/12/2021 08:12

He isn't going clubbing at all, he's going shagging.

Nobody in the history of the world has snuck out while their wife is asleep to go and meet another girl's friend in a nightclub. Plenty of people, on the other hand, will sneak off when their wife is asleep to go and get their end away.

The facts are ridiculous, the excuses are shonky and the defensiveness speaks volumes. Sorry OP

Original poster
Liopleuradon · 17/12/2021 08:34

@oohmama honestly I dont even know at this point, we were meant to be working on things and giving it a go until febuary as this was the earliest he could move out as I had enough 6 weeks ago but nothings improved

OP posts:
Original poster
Liopleuradon · 17/12/2021 08:35

@technosaurus I thought the same but I've got no proof might start digging

OP posts:
tangyandsalty · 17/12/2021 08:40

He clearly doesn't want to be in a committed relationship, do yourself a favour and cut him loose. Is he driving to work today?

MyOtherProfile · 17/12/2021 08:40

I'd call it a day now. He can go stay somewhere else and you will be happier.

Crunchymum · 17/12/2021 09:08

Did he go to work?

Original poster
Liopleuradon · 17/12/2021 09:14

@crunchymum it looks like he did although I dont know how. I was dreading getting home from the school run and him still being here

OP posts:
Capricornandproud · 17/12/2021 09:14

Well fuck that for a game of soldiers. I’d get christmas over me and start duck-rowing but I’d have a date in mind in 2022 to work towards being gone. There is no shame in it OP and it really isn’t worth considering anyone else in this situation except you and your kids. They don’t have to live your life.

Also, I love the cinema idea - do it! After you rip him a new arsehole, of course.

GoGoGretaDoll · 17/12/2021 09:14

Mate. He got up in the middle of the night to sneak out to meet another woman. I know it's scary and I know this life is all you know but he is taking advantage big time.

What are his good points? Seriously, list his good points (and don't say 'he's a great father' because that's a minimum standard, not a good point) then list his bad points. If the bad list is longer than the good one, fuck him off.

I am being harsh but I cannot stand wee pricks that refuse to grow up. He took your youth too, remember.

blobby10 · 17/12/2021 09:35

Liopleuradon my now exh was like this when we first got married. Couldn't understand why I would be concerned to wake up at 2am to find him still not home when he was only going to the pub. he did get better over time but never really understood my feelings - once we had children it got worse so and once I got so pissed off that I went out after work one day, didn't tell anyone, went into town on the bus and spent hours Christmas shopping. We had three children aged 5,3,1 and got home about 8pm instead of 2pm to find my sister in a panic after driving my route to work and back twice looking for me and ready to call the police as I had veered from my normal routine. 'D' H just wasn't bothered he 'knew I'd turn up eventually' apparently. At that point it hit me that he just didn't care and never would so I had to accept that. We divorced eventually but not for another 10 years but by that time he made it obvious he didn't give a damn.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 17/12/2021 09:38

This would annoy me but I wouldn't get too wound up. He's an adult he can get himself up for work.

2Hot2Handle · 17/12/2021 09:46

I hope you get out of this relationship and find a happier life. Reading all of your follow up posts, it sounds like your partner is keeping you in an emotional prison, treating you however he wants. Thing is, you’re putting up with this life, when you’re young, have lots of better options and don’t have to stay like this.
Start with a change to your behaviour. Don’t let this incident blow over, without you adjusting how you respond. Tell him if you’d done the same, by going out and staying out until the early hours without notice, it wouldn’t be okay with him, so the two of you won’t be okay until he apologises and makes things right. Stick to that.
Take a look at your situation and plan how you’d manage financially, where you would live, what help you’d need with child support, the. When you’ve got yourself sorted, pull the plug and take back your power!

mewkins · 17/12/2021 09:47

I think you need an honest discussion about whether he wants in or out of this. If he wants to stay in it he has to behave in that way. Sneaking out and staying out without dropping you a message is not OK.

MadeForThis · 17/12/2021 09:48

He has already left the relationship. He just hasn't moved out.

Tee20x · 17/12/2021 09:51

How old is he as to why he's sneaking off at midnight to go clubbing for a few hours. That's not normal imo - of course you should let your partner know if you're going out or will be back late. Just so that they don't worry about you if nothing more!

The same way you'd let friends know when you get back in - craziness to me. Is he having some form of crisis or something? Is this typical behaviour from him?

Tee20x · 17/12/2021 09:52

Ah just read the rest of the thread. I should do that first before I jump in with my questions!!

Original poster
Liopleuradon · 17/12/2021 09:59

@2hot2handle thankyou, I have been getting my ducks in a row for a while. We split up for a week about 6 weeks ago and he managed to weedle his way back as we are living together. I told him we need o start putting more boundaries in place including separating finances and savings as hes awful with money and I pay for most things, I'm also increasing my hours at work from 8 to 16 from the new year and starting uni. I said wed give it until febuary of trying to improve the relationship but I feel like I cant do that at this point

OP posts:
OlympicProcrastinator · 17/12/2021 09:59

I did ask him but he claims a female work collegue wanted to meet someone in a club they had been talking to and wanted him to come so she wouldn't be on her own

Oh come ON op. You can’t honestly believe this horse shit can you? He left you in the middle of the night to be with another woman and he’s probably spent the night with her now hence the defensive response. He’s checked out of the relationship and you need to get prepared for the end.

Original poster
Liopleuradon · 17/12/2021 10:01

@gogogretadoll I hear what you're saying. Hes so good at playing the victim and spinning things back on me to make me look like the bad person

OP posts:
Peakedtoosoon · 17/12/2021 10:03

No text when plans were a bit loose, but you knew he was going out, I'd think was OK, to be expected when out having fun. Sneaking out in the night? WTF?!

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