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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how important is your career

114 replies

LifeIsWhat · 16/12/2021 17:01

The thing is, I like my work, it gives me a sense of satisfaction, financial security, belonging and I am quite good at it. However, I also worried that I hide behind it to make up/ignore the other missing part of my life, for example, a patter, kids, family, which are also important but I am less capable of obtaining.

What is your experience and please share your thoughts and advice.
Thank you very much.

OP posts:
Benmac · 16/12/2021 21:02

It was everything to me. I loved my work and it was a huge part of my identity. Then in 2015 I had a work relate breakdown which left me unable to dress myself ffot 3 years and with continuity mental health problems.
I have come to realise that no matter what you think to your employer you are nothing but a bum on a seat. It is a long road back but I now think family and friends are the things that matter. I am so grateful for my life now. I pray for my family as really they are all that matter.

Benmac · 16/12/2021 21:02

Apologies for typos

StrawberryJamSandwiches · 16/12/2021 21:03

My job is important to me in that I need it to survive financially. I enjoy work, it gives me a purpose in life but being totally honest, if I won the lottery etc I would give it up in a heartbeat. I'm so grateful to have a job I enjoy, but it is just that, a job. I'm not looking for a career and I really don't think I ever will tbh.

Totalwasteofpaper · 16/12/2021 21:06

Previously
Hugely important and a huge piece of my "self esteem pie". if my career wasn't going well it affected me very badly

Today
Its important but only in so far as it funds/facilitates the rest of my life and enhances it further (for me that means I work with nice people doing interesting work I half enjoy and solving lots of problems).
I have more balance in my life.

For you if you love your job and you don't feel anything is missing - fine. But it's good to reassess that you are happy.

When I hit 30 I reassesed and realised I would secretly/actually like to find a partner. I recognised even if I tried hard, I might not meet someone but I wanted to give myself the best chance do so.
So I started leaving work on time and dedicated between 10-20 hours a week to my new part time job online dating.
3 lonnnng years later I found my DH.... once I meet him I put more focus into work and promotion and then a new job.

Original poster
LifeIsWhat · 16/12/2021 21:07

@Benmac

It was everything to me. I loved my work and it was a huge part of my identity. Then in 2015 I had a work relate breakdown which left me unable to dress myself ffot 3 years and with continuity mental health problems. I have come to realise that no matter what you think to your employer you are nothing but a bum on a seat. It is a long road back but I now think family and friends are the things that matter. I am so grateful for my life now. I pray for my family as really they are all that matter.
Similar thing happened to me and it was heartbroken. Already everything turned out fine but thank you very the much needed reminder.
OP posts:
twinkletoesbluesky · 16/12/2021 21:09

For me a career is not important in the slightest. I have a 'job' which I had before having my DD and am now 37 weeks pregnant with baby No2. I have just started maternity leave and couldn't be more delighted. Having a job really is about paying the bills and a means to an end. I have no greater satisfaction than my DD, she and my partner & baby No2 are the absolute most important things in my life. Luckily throughout COVID I have been able to work from home as have an office based financial role and I have absolutely loved being with my DD everyday. If money was no object, I would 100% Chuck the job in to be a SAHM full time without a doubt. I am defined by my family I am raising, not a company I work for. I can see how well my DD has developed by having her parents with her. Partner also works from home. Her language skills are impeccable for someone her age, she has beautiful manners, she is kind and sweet and is an absolute credit to us. I could never make a comparison between her and working. Some people are defined by what they do for work/career but I don't think people look back and wished they work more or harder......

Livpool · 16/12/2021 21:10

My job is a means to an end for me. It allows me enough money/security to live my life.

If I won the lottery I would leave in a heartbeat

KeranaCosmonauts · 16/12/2021 21:20

Hmm I've had different attitudes to my work over the years. In my early 20s I was very career focused, keen and ambitious. My career was my identity. Then I got burned out and disillusioned. I became lazy at work and prioritised my social life and hobbies. So my career plateaued. Then I had kids and now I'm super ambitious again because I want to earn more money to provide a good lifestyle for them. But I've had a career change and now see work as a means to an end rather than my identity.

U8976532 · 16/12/2021 21:26

Some people are defined by what they do for work/career but I don't think people look back and wished they work more or harder......

Equally, will you value the thousands of hours you did in a job that was just a means to an end? That sounds more wasteful to me. For me, life is too short for that, I don't want to die to have worked 37 hours a week over 40 years just doing what I need to do to get paid, if I need money why not do something I'm actually going to enjoy for those 37 hours. I can't imagine regretting that on my death bed.

twinkletoesbluesky · 16/12/2021 21:33

@U8976532

Some people are defined by what they do for work/career but I don't think people look back and wished they work more or harder......

Equally, will you value the thousands of hours you did in a job that was just a means to an end? That sounds more wasteful to me. For me, life is too short for that, I don't want to die to have worked 37 hours a week over 40 years just doing what I need to do to get paid, if I need money why not do something I'm actually going to enjoy for those 37 hours. I can't imagine regretting that on my death bed.

I didn't say I didn't enjoy it. It's fine, it pays the bills, it enables us to have a beautiful home, family days out, but in the grand scheme of things, I would never 'regret' not working where as I would regret not having children or a family life.
U8976532 · 16/12/2021 21:46

@twinkletoesbluesky I wouldn't be without either, I don't think it has to be an either or situation.

Original poster
LifeIsWhat · 16/12/2021 21:48

I think, focus of this post is, how did everyone avoid using career as an excuse from not to persuade other parts of life. For me, I failed to find a boyfriend (god this hurts) and but work rarely disappoint me like men do. But I know I can not continue doing this. I am in my 30s.

OP posts:
icedcoffees · 16/12/2021 21:49

I run my own business and absolutely love what I do but I don't think I'd do it if I could afford not to work.

I work 25-30 hours a week and make around 2k per month, on average.

ftw163532 · 16/12/2021 21:52

Meh, every part of your identity can be taken from you. Building your identity on work is no worse than building it on anything else - your family can be taken away from you by illness or other tragedy, as can anything else we build ourselves around.

Tbh building your identity on humans is objectively riskier than building it on a career where you can always hop to another employer. You can't resurrect dead loved ones.

It's all a balance, isn't it?

A580Hojas · 16/12/2021 21:54

Building your identity Confused what does it even mean?

thepeopleversuswork · 16/12/2021 21:56

@twinkletoesbluesky

Her language skills are impeccable for someone her age, she has beautiful manners, she is kind and sweet and is an absolute credit to us.

Hmmm.

I have a career. My daughter also has decent manner and language skills. Having a career and being able to bring your kids up properly are not mutually exclusive.

U8976532 · 16/12/2021 21:58

@LifeIsWhat as much as I love my career and I wasn't willing to sacrifice it to stay home or anything like that, I equally could never have been without a family unit. My marriage and children are central reasons for my happiness, so take pride in your career, let it give you value, but don't be afraid to want and seek more.

Lightswitch123 · 16/12/2021 22:00

Used to be very important. Since I had children and git that perspective I need just enjoy that it something just mine that's seperate from "mum" but otherwise am not bothered. I have a big senior job but really think there's way more to life and would quit work in a heartbeat for my family if needed

Tay17 · 16/12/2021 22:14

@LifeIsWhat

I think, focus of this post is, how did everyone avoid using career as an excuse from not to persuade other parts of life. For me, I failed to find a boyfriend (god this hurts) and but work rarely disappoint me like men do. But I know I can not continue doing this. I am in my 30s.
What do you like to do outside of work? Are there any hobbies or things you could get involved in where you may meet people? You may make new friends and possibly something more over time.

I suppose if you are spending time doing other things you enjoy when not working then you may find that you don’t use work as a distraction as much.

Original poster
LifeIsWhat · 16/12/2021 22:15

[quote U8976532]@LifeIsWhat as much as I love my career and I wasn't willing to sacrifice it to stay home or anything like that, I equally could never have been without a family unit. My marriage and children are central reasons for my happiness, so take pride in your career, let it give you value, but don't be afraid to want and seek more. [/quote]
You are so lucky, I am longing for a family too.

OP posts:
Corbally · 16/12/2021 22:59

My work is consumingly important to me, and this has never wavered through different jobs and different life stages — I’m 49, and happily married with a nine-year-old. I don’t think I’ve ever used work to ‘hide’ from anything — it’s not some kind of shield from life for me, it’s a central part of my life. I think it’s psychologically healthy to find deep satisfaction in your work, and am slightly uneasy that the OP may be getting the message from the thread that work is important chiefly when you’re young and/or don’t have a family. I mean, I’m not dismissing people’s lived experiences, but I wouldn’t like the OP think that work necessarily falls away as a priority depending on your age or status as parent/spouse. It certainly hasn’t in my own case, and I would say that many of my friends, like me, have found the constraints parenthood puts on your time makes for more productivity.

OP, why is it you think you ‘hide’ I work from other aspects of your life like relationships or parenthood? Are you saying your job literally leaves you no time to date, for example?

twinkletoesbluesky · 17/12/2021 01:05

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@twinkletoesbluesky

Her language skills are impeccable for someone her age, she has beautiful manners, she is kind and sweet and is an absolute credit to us.

Hmmm.

I have a career. My daughter also has decent manner and language skills. Having a career and being able to bring your kids up properly are not mutually exclusive.[/quote]
I'm not saying other people's children suffer just because they also have a career. But I can, amongst people I know see a clear difference of parents that are out of the home full time vs those that are out of the home less and/or take less interest in their child. For instance, I know someone who works from home & is now a single parent but doesn't give her the child the attention/time they need and deserve, this child is comparably lacking in social skills, empathy, manners etc. It is not the child's fault but I can see a noticeable difference in terms of development. Anyhow aside from this, OP doesn't have to choose between but she should make time to try to build relationships etc if the long term goal is to have a family and children.

Corbally · 17/12/2021 06:08

@twinkletoesbluesky, with respect, let me suggest you’re seeing largely imaginary distinctions between types of language development and ‘manners’. Surely if you WFH, your three year old is in childcare? I can’t imagine doing any significant work from home if not.

Atmywitsend29 · 17/12/2021 06:13

My career was hugely important to me, I poured alot into it, studied really hard in my home time to get to the point I'm at now. Sacrifices were made.
However, I hate it. I work in healthcare and the burn out, the politics, the needless death, the lies told about our sector by the government of all people over the past 2 years, it's all taken its toll. I can't wait to get out of healthcare and have interviewed for a couple of jobs that will give me more time to be at home with my family.
Very much realised that my husband and my son are my priorities. As long as I can pay the rent, I don't care about a career anymore.

Circlesandtriangles · 17/12/2021 06:27

Career is important to me, but as a part of a happy and fulfilled life alongside other things like my family, hobbies, health and well-being, friendships etc. I think the time dedicate to each constantly shifts, but for me work is important as I enjoy the learning and interaction with people and challenge.

I didn't alway have this balance, and was super career minded in that I threw myself in 110% and went through a cycle of burning out and stress. Actually - it was because I wasn't dealing with other things and derived all my self worth from my achievement at work. I ended up getting counselling and realised I had been burying emotions under work for a looooong time. I worked through the patterns and changed to focus more on dealing with my emotions, being guided by what I wanted than what would make me successful at work (often they overlapped!) and I'm much happier now. I think OP it sounds like you know you have some unresolved stuff and you use work as a way to not deal with that. There is nothing wrong with focusing more on you and letting the career take a back seat while you do that. You can have career balance and a loving relationship and family; I hope you find what you're looking for x