Its only a name BUT would this piss you off??

[lucyellensmum]

This morning i get five christmas cards through my door, all from ILs. First two were from aunts, addressed to MR and MRS his first and second name. So, what? Doesn't my name count or should i describe myself as Mrs DP first name and second name. No, thats not a typo its DP - we are NOT MARRIED and even then i don't qualify for my own name!! Oh yes, i worked bloody hard for that one, considering its DR!! They all know my marital status. ok so mildly miffed about this, more on the fact that society still thinks that women are defined by their husbands!

But what really pissed me off was this: My DD2 has MY name, we made that perfectly clear to ILs and i cannot believe they dont remember because they questioned me and made it clear they didnt approve. The main reason why i didnt give DD her fathers name is, firstly i find it plain weird that a child would have a name that is not its mothers. Also, i have another child who has my name, not DPs biological child but we have been together since she was 2 (15 years ago!), so i didnt want two children with two different names and more importantly, i didnt want DD1 to feel that because i gave DD2 DPs name that she was in any way different. So, AGAIN i get a card adressed to my DD with DPs sirname and another card to DD1 with my sirname or even surname! im having to type quick cos of angry toddler! Then to rub salt into the wound, on DD2 card, it is addressed "to our precious GC" and on DD1 card, to DD1 name.

Am i being petty to think this is shit? Also, should i say anything???

Ooohhh... lucyellensmum, sorry about the nosyness, but are you a medic or do you have a PhD? If this is the case, in what???

I have more or less the same issues. DH and I only got married about one year ago, after being together for 15 years.
I have a PhD in science, and when people ask me 'is it Mrs DH?' I answer 'no, it is Dr starfish'.
Well, actually DH also has a PhD in science, so we could have some fun with the titles here but only with the titles. Not with the surnames!

My ILs all do this & yes it does piss me off. My family manage to get it right (including my 90 yo grandparents) so I figured that when it continued after several polite corrections Dh's family are either (i) stupid or (ii) trying to make a point.

Last year I returned all the incorrectly addressed cards unopened - this year we've had one correctly addressed and no others That works fine for me, they are the type of family that send a card when you have a shit.

An honest mistake or confusion doesn't bother me but passive aggressive attempts at control and frank rudeness really piss me off.

(I don't use my Dr either, although my grandparents always do, bless them!).

what gets me and this is going off on a bit of a tangent is our house insurance policy was taken out by myself

the direct debit comes out of my account however they address the letters to dh and only dh about changes to payments etc?

Meant to add .. they don't send cards because they feel any affection for us it's a strange competitive sport amongst them to see who sends receive the most cards (and the main topic of conversation at Christmas dinner). They are absolutely bonkers.

I suspect that, if they are of the older generation, they have struggled to keep up with who uses which name and why, and have just gone for the "traditional" option.

DW took my name, but gets annoyed that my mother, when writing to her on her own (e.g. birthday card) gives her my initial. She is never going to change. She does it now just to be cussed.

this really is a minefield.

People like me probably make it worse for you. Sorry.

I'm quite happy to be Dr MaidenName for work and Mrs MarriedName for all things family related. We get lots of cards addressed to Mr & Mrs MarriedName which is fine by me even if we are technically both Drs. I quite like it actually. Does cause some problems with cheques though as the bank still has my maiden name.

Only two things that we get that don't seem right.

1. Dr & Mrs ... If he can have his PhD then so should I.

2. Being given DH's first name as well - Mr & Mrs * Married name. But it tends to only be the over 70's who do this and I guess they are just doing things the way they were taught so it doesn't really bother me.

It never occured to me to be annoyed about getting Mr and Mrs Dp's name TBH there is only a limited amount of space on an envelope for addressing it so it is easier if nothing else.

The Gc thing is what would REALLY pee me off that is just horrid to make a difference like that.

If you are married, you are still Mrs Hischristianname Hissurname, even if you have some other title (Dr, Rev, Lady...). It's common for the older generation to follow this tradition. They don't mean anything bad by it, and are not doing it to make some kind of point. It's just the way they were brought up!

If you are not married, this may confuse them. Perhaps you are pretending to be married, and so will not be offended by being called Mrs. Perhaps they cannot deal with the concept, so they pretend you are a Mrs. We don't really have an accepted 'good manners' way to deal with modern family structures, so they are probably just doing what they think is the least controversial thing possible.

When we got married, MIL presented me with 200 Notecards and envelopes - Mrs Joe Bloggs. I thought (and this was over 20 years ago), that this was something from the past, but I did manage to use most of them up in Wedding thankyous and change of address notices.

One of my work colleagues invited us all to tea a couple of weeks ago, and instead of a departmental email, she gave us all cards to 'At Home with Mrs (hubby's name)' - apparently she has about 2000 to offload.

You see, that's why I made the decision not to bother sending out any Christmas cards any more last year and this! And I don't mind if we don't get any back. It's a political minefield man. Anyway, I too am happily unmarried to my dp (for 13 years)and if people do send us Xmas cards they tend to just address them to RXX and OXXXXX plus our dd MXXXXX and EXXX. Guess what, we know who they mean.

No it wouldn't piss me off, I wouldn't think about it.
If the relatives get to the point of stubbornly sending out cheques (as present money) made out to the DDs with the wrong surnames, then you've got an issue.

Its not just old people that use the 'Mr & Mrs Mansname Surname', companies do it too.
Ive seen many bills adressed to my parents like this, I think its rude.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I find writing envelopes for cards incredibly stressful. Different scenarios listed below;

a) Family with 3 children, parents not married - children have dad's name. How do you address it? The Smith family? Mr T Smith, Ms A Brown and the Smith Children? Tom, Annabel and family?

b) One is a doctor - do you write Mr and Dr T Smith? or Mr T Smith and Dr A Smith (they've now got married! )

c) One is a doctor and one is a consultant surgeon, so back to Mr - do you write Mr and Dr T Smith? Or Drs Smith. Or the Smith Family?

d) Both are doctors - do you write Drs T and A Smith? Or Dr T and Dr A Smith?

e) They are married, through a civil partnership - do you write Mr T Smith and Mr A Brown?

I'm sure there are loads more - but these are the ones I have struggled over this week!

Actually the Mrs "mans christian name" then surname is correct grammatically even if old fashioned that is because Mrs means "mister's" it signifies belonging so if somesthing is addressed to Mrs Alan Smioth that is because the mrs belongs to the mr alan Smith.sorry not very clear here but it is correct and people of the older generation will have had that explained to them and drummed in.Actually I sat my professional exams in the 1980s and was expected to know this and use it.

floaty, i didn't know that about the Mrs thing. Another reason not to get married!!

I think i should really clarify it is actually just the differentiating between my children that has upset me. The Mrs David X is mildly irritating but as you say, quite quaint and yes they are older people.

Starfish, i have a science PhD which i dont make any use of so i don't tend to use Dr unless someone is partronising me from the bank, council etc. It is really funny how peoples attitudes change because i locked myself away in a small room studying for three years.

I think it is more wrong that they are treating your 2 children differently.

I have no problem with envelopes saying Mr and Mrs Surname or even Mrs his initial Surname, it is how it used to be done and I think it is nice. I spend the majorty of my life being Mum, it is nice to be reminded I am a wife too.

Actually 'Mrs' is a contraction of 'Mistress' and not the possessive form of Mr at all. Like Mistress Quickly in Shakespeare. I'm afraid the professional examiners were wrong.

It is not hard to remember people's titles and names, if you can be bothered. Many people simply do not respect that taking your husband's name and calling your children by the man's surname is not always what people want to do. Arseholes, but there you go.

I always thought it was Mr's

Have only read OP, but have to say, it is totally disgusting to refer to "biological" grandchild as "precious GC" and not to refer to the "non biological" grandchild in the same way. However this is probably too ingrained to change as many years have gone by so I wouldn't say anything.

It really does make me angry as I am a child of a stepfamily and I have tried my best to make sure everyone is treated equally - my DS has 3 sets of equal grandparents (due to my parents being divorced and both being with new spouse).

Re the surnames - this is their passive agressive method of telling you they are unhappy with the fact that you are not married. I find this sort of behaviour from grown up adults pathetic.

Oh...and just to add when I don't know if a woman has taken a man's name/what the exact deal is I just address things to people using their first names only, even on the envelope.

Oh I stand corrected ,the examiners weren't interested in the reason only that you used the correct form of address,actually at work we used to have a book that explained some of these things.

I do find it quite difficult to know how to address things to people though especuially where there are children involved

If you don't know, just go for "the X and Y family"
Or All Those At then the address

I would find it very annoying as well.

Agree,you should get all their names wrong when you send them anything.

The singling out of one child is probably worth mentioning I think.

Yanbu
I was finding it hard to get so worked up about Mr and Mrs Surname....untill i read the bit about your children.
It's really wrong to write different surnames on the childrens cards when they know that they both have your name.Downright mean and nasty imo to separate the 2 girls like that and to so obviously show how they favour their biological grandchild.
i would be more forgiving if they put your partners surname for both ...although technically wrong at least it would make a show of showing that they think of them the same.They are obviously trying to make a point and get to you.
Horrible
I would probably ask them why..have it out with them.Say it upset you and your daughter (and hopefully your dp too?).I had this a lot whilst growing up...and it upset me and my siblings a lot to be separated and treated differently like this.