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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No sex

101 replies

TTCbaby · 15/12/2021 21:26

Am I being unreasonable being unhappy with the false promises of sex. Husband only wants to be intimate one a week and then I think he only does it because he feels he should. I would have sex every day but i understand that could be rather hard to keep up. So I’m happy to compromise at 3 days or there abouts. But he still doesn’t budge. He says he’s too tired at 9pm! Then promises for the next night. Then again 9pm comes he complains he’s tired but can sit and watch a film in bed for a couple of hours. It’s so frustrating being put off like this. Getting my hopes up to just be told not tonight. It’s so one sided. How should I fix this? Or am I being selfish?

OP posts:

Sirzy · 15/12/2021 21:29

If it’s a deal breaker for you then you can leave.

Nobody should ever be forced into sex just to keep their partner happy though.

dementedpixie · 15/12/2021 21:29

You seem to be doing a lot of pressurising. Can you back off a bit?

yellowleaves123 · 15/12/2021 21:30

You sound like a little bit of a sex pest. If this was written as a male to a female everyone would think it was terrible. Have you tried talking to him about it?

Hankunamatata · 15/12/2021 21:31

Well your unreasonable demanding anything or making him feel like he has to promise. You sound like very unmatched drives. Has always been like this? Medical issues?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2021 21:33

Has it always been like this or has something changed?

Constant rejection is an absolute killer, it’s okay and normal to be upset at feeling like your husband doesn’t want to be intimate with you.

Original poster

TTCbaby · 15/12/2021 21:33

Where in what I’ve just said shows that I’m pressuring? I don’t even mention it he does so he knows there’s a problem. Otherwise he wouldn’t keep
Saying sorry I promise tomorrow blah blah. I don’t say a word before or after he says that.

OP posts:

girljulian · 15/12/2021 21:34

Can’t help feeling if a man had said what you’ve said, a lot of people would’ve said he had an unreasonable expectation about sex frequency. Can you not wank some days? Alternatively, of course everyone should be allowed to have as much sex as they want and need in a relationship but you may need to accept that your sex drive is higher than his and you’re not compatible.

Original poster

TTCbaby · 15/12/2021 21:36

I love him and it’s not a deal breaker so I won’t be leaving him. I just was asking for advice not to be ripped into. I’m certainly not a sex pest. Constant rejection is just not nice that’s all. Yes I’ve tried taking about it. He just jumps down my throat.

OP posts:

Mum2jenny · 15/12/2021 21:38

If it’s really a deal breaker, I’d be considering divorcing the dh and getting a new partner

Original poster

TTCbaby · 15/12/2021 21:38

It’s not the sex it’s the intimacy I miss. I don’t think 3 days a week is anything out of the ordinary.

OP posts:

ZippyZap · 15/12/2021 21:40

Sometimes I wonder if going back to no sex before marriage has its advantages... Maybe then we are truly thankful for the relationship part... And sex is an added bonus?
I think sex is a bit addictive and it can cause issues if it isn't given in the usual amount, as it seems to be a common problem on here..... I always thought no sex before marriage was odd, but perhaps there is more logic to it than I once thought!

Mum2jenny · 15/12/2021 21:40

If it’s not a deal breaker, put up and shut up. Sorry if that’s harsh but it is reality.
You make your life choices and you live with them!!

Piglet89 · 15/12/2021 21:40

From your user name, I’m surmising you are trying to conceive? Is that right?

yellowleaves123 · 15/12/2021 21:41

Saying sorry I promise tomorrow blah blah. I don’t say a word before or after he says that.

I just know if my husband didn't say a word to me after I said "sorry not tonight but tomorrow" I'd actually dread it when tomorrow rolled around as it would come across weird and sulky.

So I’m happy to compromise at 3 days or there abouts.

This is where it sounds like you're putting pressure on, to me. A compromise for frequency of having sex is a bit bizarre, if he doesn't actually want to at the time.

Can you imagine this post...

"Need advice. I want to have sex with my wife more regularly but she isn't interested and keeps saying she is tired. I have a high sex drive and would have sex daily but she doesn't. I think 3 times per week is a fair compromise for me. Whenever I try to instigate sex, my wife says she is tired. It's frustrating. Especially when she promises we will have sex the next day, but then we don't. How do I fix this aka convince her have sex which is how that sounds"

If the above post was written everyone would say speak to your wife who probably has a reason for saying she is tired every night come 9pm.

wanttomarryamillionaire · 15/12/2021 21:41

@Piglet89

From your user name, I’m surmising you are trying to conceive? Is that right?

I was going to say this. Maybe he doesn't want one?

Original poster

TTCbaby · 15/12/2021 21:42

Mum2jenny so it should all be one sided? What happened to comprise or at least talking about things?

OP posts:

yellowleaves123 · 15/12/2021 21:42

Sorry OP, I cross posted. What have you said to him when you've spoken to him? What has he said to you in response?

dementedpixie · 15/12/2021 21:43

@TTCbaby

It’s not the sex it’s the intimacy I miss. I don’t think 3 days a week is anything out of the ordinary.

I'm a once a week person - normally in the morning at the weekend. Dont think I'd manage 3 times a week these days

LoannaJumley · 15/12/2021 21:43

@TTCbaby

It’s not the sex it’s the intimacy I miss. I don’t think 3 days a week is anything out of the ordinary.

Three times a week is far from ordinary in this house. Both work full time in demanding jobs and have teens. We're both in bed by ten and ready for sleep.

Original poster

TTCbaby · 15/12/2021 21:44

No my username is an old one we have a little boy now. And as we live in a world where men and women are supposed to be equal it shouldn’t matter whether a man or woman has written this surley.

OP posts:

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 15/12/2021 21:48

Some of us dream of once a week. I actually don’t think this is a fixable problem, genuinely have no idea because it’s such a sensitive area and one where people feel can wounded when “called out” on it. Watching with interest in case anyone wiser than me has good advice 👀

Original poster

TTCbaby · 15/12/2021 21:48

Yellowleaves123. Because I don’t want to pressure him I don’t say too much after he’s rejected me. I always leave it for him to respond to my advances as to whether he wants to or not I don’t make it known I hang on to his promises as rejection is embarrassing. I talk to him and he gets defensive and says he’s stressed. Then walks off.

OP posts:

Lacedwithgrace · 15/12/2021 21:55

Your issue should be with the fact your husband is having sex because he feels pressured to. Clearly he doesn't want to, either deal with it or leave him.

yellowleaves123 · 15/12/2021 21:56

I'd try and have a conversation around him being stressed away from the requests for sex or anything sexual. For example, sat on the sofa earlier on in the evening. "I've noticed you've mentioned you're stressed and we haven't been able to talk about it. I love you and I worry about it. Can we talk about why you're stressed, or just how you're feeling, because I want to understand".

My husband has had time periods when he has said this exact thing - I'm tired, doesn't want to have sex, and he has been genuinely stressed. I don't think many men are wired to speak out about their problems or feelings because of 'boys don't cry' upbringings and it's not always easy for them to start that dialogue. So speaking to him about it totally away from anything that he perceives to be pressuring may help.

At the same time, it is fair to explain to him that you love him and would like to be intimate with him, and that him never wanting to can leave you feeling rejected and a bit down. You don't want to feel this way so would like to have an honest chat about your own feelings too, as well as his.

Aderyn21 · 15/12/2021 21:57

I don't think the OP is pestering, she just has a high sex drive, and her needs are as important as his. I do think that where sex drives are mismatched then there's nothing wrong with compromising - people in relationships have to compromise on other issues so I don't see sex as any different. He could make an effort more often and the OP could accept less than she would ideally like!

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