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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No sex

101 replies

TTCbaby · 15/12/2021 21:26

Am I being unreasonable being unhappy with the false promises of sex. Husband only wants to be intimate one a week and then I think he only does it because he feels he should. I would have sex every day but i understand that could be rather hard to keep up. So I’m happy to compromise at 3 days or there abouts. But he still doesn’t budge. He says he’s too tired at 9pm! Then promises for the next night. Then again 9pm comes he complains he’s tired but can sit and watch a film in bed for a couple of hours. It’s so frustrating being put off like this. Getting my hopes up to just be told not tonight. It’s so one sided. How should I fix this? Or am I being selfish?

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Original poster

TTCbaby · 15/12/2021 21:59

Thank you yellowleaves123. I’ve taken your comments on board. :)

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HadEnough798 · 15/12/2021 22:03

You openly say that he only wants to be intimate once a week. If you are asking him for more than that (twice more in fact) when he's made it clear that is plenty for him, you're pestering... And that's a vicious circle, because there's nothing less sexy than someone pestering you if you're not up for it.

Equally, it's tricky, because sometimes having sex more can help you have sex more etc, like a positive feedback loop. Don't have much advice I'm afraid other than asking are you offering to do stuff for him to make him feel good, so your focus is on him and his self-esteem - and outside the bedroom too, e.g. paying him compliments?

Tricky when you're mis-matched though.

DBI78 · 15/12/2021 22:04

It is tricky when u both have different sex drives. A conversation would help would probably be best done in day not in bed. I know I have at times thought I'd like to have sex tonight but by end of day I'm exhausted and it's last thing I want to do. I've learnt not to get oh hopes up! Intimacy can be hugging/kissing etc could there be some contact without going all the way. Sex is best in moment not prearrange maybe try not to push just initiate if you want it and see what response you get .

Original poster

TTCbaby · 15/12/2021 22:04

Thank you aderyn21 that explains it better. I compromise in our relationship in many areas other than sex. It’s his way it no way for most of our relationship But I’m dont complain about any of that I may aswel get on with it. This is the only area that I’d really like to meet more in the middle on especially because of how much I compromise for him (not that I’d throw that in his face of course) it just sits there in my mind.

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HadEnough798 · 15/12/2021 22:06

Good advice from @yellowleaves123 -

also my husband is similar in that sometimes his sex drive totally vanishes and we don't have sex for 6 weeks - it almost turns out that he's generally very stressed or depressed in those periods... but it does take a lot of talking to get that out of him (and then that can help).

I think listening to him and trying to find out how he's feeling would help.

DixonD · 15/12/2021 22:07

@TTCbaby

It’s not the sex it’s the intimacy I miss. I don’t think 3 days a week is anything out of the ordinary.

Your user name - are you TTC? Could he be feeling the pressure? It’s a mood killer (been there and had to have IVF).

My DH is similar but I’m lucky if he wants to do it once a month, I’d love once a week and wouldn’t even dare dream that anyone does it three times a week! 😁

You’ve got it good really.

Original poster

TTCbaby · 15/12/2021 22:08

Hadenough798 it’s not a self esteem thing it’s the opposite if anything. He’s a confident guy and I’m quite self conscious. He’s so confident in fact he thinks I wont ever leave him cus I’m self conscious and he knows I enjoy our sex and he doesn’t need to have sex with me cus In his words “he’s got me”. Sometimes you need to feel wanted. And yes I try to make him feel wanted every day. Not just sexually either.

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HangOnToYourself · 15/12/2021 22:12

I dont think it matters whether we think 3 times a week is reasonable because ultimately it comes down to the 2 of you and what your both comfortable with. Compromise for you means not having something that you want but compromise for him means doing something he doesnt want to do and that is more difficult to do. Unfortunately you dont sound sexually compatible so it really depends on whether you think this is enough for you long term.

CheshireChat · 15/12/2021 22:14

It sounds like he isn't a great communicator and takes you for granted in general so you crave sex as a sort of plaster, to make up for the above.

Aderyn21 · 15/12/2021 22:16

He doesn't sound very nice - doesn't bend on anything and takes you for granted. Maybe you should be reconsidering this relationship? At the very least, stop giving him all his own way and maybe be less available. Make him do some of the running!
Although if this was my relationship I probably couldn't be bothered with that and would look for someone who actually wanted me and didn't take me for granted.

HadEnough798 · 15/12/2021 22:16

@TTCbaby tricky!! Hate the idea of someone knowing they've 'got you', particularly if he's aware you are self-conscious - it's sad that you feel self-conscious as opposed to awesome. Maybe working on your own self-esteem would help you to care a bit less and maybe not feel the rejection so much - and that in itself might end up being more attractive to him? Good luck, sorry I haven't got much else to add.

Aderyn21 · 15/12/2021 22:16

What does he do for you?

Original poster

TTCbaby · 15/12/2021 22:19

I’ve learnt quite a bit from these comments haha. So I have 2 options- leave the man I love and break up a family over intimacy which I obviously won’t do as our love is stronger than my sex drive. Or just learn to live without so the second it will be. I just want him to care that it bothered me. If he comes to me being upset with a part of our relationship I won’t rest until I’ve at least tried to fix it. But he doesn’t seem to care that’s why I think he’s cocky that I won’t leave him over it and if honest I think he withholds want he knows it annoys me. As I know he sorts him self out sometimes.

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Original poster

TTCbaby · 15/12/2021 22:20

I think your right I can use sex as a plaster.

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LessThan3XAWeek · 15/12/2021 22:24

OP, I could be your DH.

I have a serious medical condition and because of the medication I’m on I went from having a decent-ish sex drive to absolutely none. In essence, if I never had sex again it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest.

But my DP has a high sex drive and so I have to find some compromise somewhere. So I put myself through it maybe a couple of times a month, but in all honesty, the more he goes on about it, the less I want to do it. I only do it out of duty anyway.

And when he says things like “well we used to do it all the time,” I just want to scream at him to shut the fuck up.

I have actually considered ending the relationship to let him go and find someone who will give him a more fulfilling sex life,and if he wanted out then I wouldn’t blame him, but currently he doesn’t.

Has your sex life always been like this or did something change?

Essentially, you have the choice to leave if you want more, and he has the choice to not put out if he doesn’t want to.

Is anything different if you stop pestering? If you never asked for it would he ever initiate? I know I wouldn’t, but the pestering is a real turnoff.

Aderyn21 · 15/12/2021 22:25

Your husband should care about how you feel and he shouldn't be playing games and withholding himself from you as some kind of control. This sounds very unhealthy to me and not as if he loves you or even respects you.

CheshireChat · 15/12/2021 22:26

You don't need more sex then, you need him to be less of a dick .

But he honestly doesn't sound like he treats you kindly so I'd address that first.

Yummypumpkin · 15/12/2021 22:28

Given your follow ups I'd go reverse psychology.

He knows he's got it on tap.

Human nature.

Original poster

TTCbaby · 15/12/2021 22:34

He gives me the cone on all day. Like touching teasing etc then by night time he says and I quote- we ain’t having sex tonight you know that? So it’s not all bad me. I admit I have pestered but he’s told me before to pack that in and I have now as it’s exhausting putting all the effort in all the time.

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Aderyn21 · 15/12/2021 22:37

He really doesn't sound nice at all.

MrsBerthaRochester · 15/12/2021 22:42

Op ignore the posts calling you on sex pest. There are a lot of women on mn who still seem to think sex is something to be endured,lights off in the missionary position.
Its perfectly normal to want to have more sex with your dh. Does he have any health issues? Fear of not getting or losing his erection? Over weight?
I would suggest a decent conversation with him and possibly a trip to the doctors If he does have any cause for concern.
I repeat you are NOT a sex pest for wanting a regular sex life.

snowdropsandcrocuses · 15/12/2021 22:50

It sounds to me that your DP has weaponised sex. He is keeping you on a tight leash and using sex as a way of hurting you and/or controlling you.

By refusing you intimacy, you are relying on sex for the closeness and probably associating sex with being loved/wanted/needed. From your comments it appears your DP is fully aware of the power he has over you

Honestly it doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship at all but assuming you're fully intending on staying in this I recommend feigning disinterest. Do not give him any indicator you would like sex and do not respond to his 'come ons' all day. Act like you couldn't care less whether there is need or not and even turn down his advances once in a while. I suspect as soon as he realises you don't care either way he will stop using sex in that way.

However, despite what I say above, all of that is game playing and honestly nobody should have to play such stupid dating games in a long term loving relationship and counselling or separation sound like far better options.

Either way, do not allow him to continue using sex as a reward/power struggle. You are worth far more than that

MrsNameChange12345 · 15/12/2021 22:52

@TTCbaby I hear you
Have had first child this year and feel I'm married to a totally different person now. He mustn't see me as the same person, mustn't see me as a lover anymore, just a 'mum'
It's shit ☹️ I feel shit about myself. Would be nice for a little affection now and then. Not even so much the sex but just a cuddle would be nice, a kiss, to be told I'm beautiful, to be told I'm doing a good job, to have an arm round me now and then.
It's just shit. Thank god I have the love from my beautiful baby DS

Whysolong7 · 15/12/2021 23:02

I feel for you OP but I don’t think you can talk about sex in The same way as compromising on other things. Why would you want some one to have sex with you when they don’t want to / not in the mood? Expecting him to fake wanting to have sex with you 2 extra times a week to fix the miss match of sex drives is an odd proposition.

Original poster

TTCbaby · 15/12/2021 23:04

H@MrsBerthaRochester thank you so much for your kind words. I did have to double check myself haha

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