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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No sex

101 replies

TTCbaby · 15/12/2021 21:26

Am I being unreasonable being unhappy with the false promises of sex. Husband only wants to be intimate one a week and then I think he only does it because he feels he should. I would have sex every day but i understand that could be rather hard to keep up. So I’m happy to compromise at 3 days or there abouts. But he still doesn’t budge. He says he’s too tired at 9pm! Then promises for the next night. Then again 9pm comes he complains he’s tired but can sit and watch a film in bed for a couple of hours. It’s so frustrating being put off like this. Getting my hopes up to just be told not tonight. It’s so one sided. How should I fix this? Or am I being selfish?

OP posts:
sammylady37 · 16/12/2021 08:48

@Pazuzu

Nice to see the rules are different on threads like this. If it was a male OP he'd have got absolutely flamed alive for being a sex pest.

Sounds like you need to back off. Nothing less arousing than being expected to perform on command like a trained monkey. He does the deed, you expect more. That's how he's thinking.

The difference between responses here and on the “DH asked could he get a blowjob” thread is stark.

And before anyone tries to make a mic-drop point, I know the two situations aren’t carbon copies of each other but there are some similarities, and the discussions have evolved in similar directions, but the differences in responses are staggering.

thepeopleversuswork · 16/12/2021 12:18

Lots of different issues going on here:

a) He sounds quite unpleasant: he obviously thinks he is more attractive and better than you and that he has some sort of power over you sexually and emotionally and he may get off on this. I'd have a think about whether he really is someone you want to share your life with. He sounds like an arse to me.
b) You do sound as if you are a bit on his case about it. It's a turn-off to be pestered for sex in any event. If you chill out about it he'll almost certainly want it more.
c) You are entitled to want more sex, just as he is absolutely entitled not to have it. There may be a fundamental incompatibility here in your sex drives.

I have to say, though, reading about him and his behaviour I think you'd be better off splitting and getting more and better sex elsewhere from someone who doesn't think he's God's gift.

MatildaTheCat · 16/12/2021 12:34

Has he changed or has he always had a lower libido than you?

Have you suggested morning intimacy? Most men wake up with an erection.

BourbonScreams · 16/12/2021 12:35

Okay so your updates add a lot of information that's very relevant that you didn't put in the OP. I personally don't think having sex when you don't want it is a "compromise" as others have suggested.

From your updates he sounds like an arsehole. That's your real problem. And probably not fixable.

If it was just sex drive as it seems from your OP, I'd say it's not unreasonable to want to explore ways his sex drive can be increased, or for you to seek satisfaction elsewhere. I'll never say somebody should have sex when they don't want it.

BourbonScreams · 16/12/2021 12:37

Should clarify by "seek satisfaction elsewhere" I mean masturbation, an open relationship, etc. Not cheating.

Wonkydonkey44 · 16/12/2021 12:43

He won't suddenly develop a raging sex drive op.
This is one that's not going to get fixed just by talking about it. You have fundamental differences in your sex drives .
It really will be a case of deciding what you want from a relationship . Thanks

EllaDuggee · 16/12/2021 13:30

It's cruel of him to tease you during the day and then say no sex in the evening.
I'm not sure what's going on there. I would maybe try not responding to the flirting/teasing and just back right off for a while. Get a vibrator and sort yourself out as much as you want to. If he's developed a bit of a complex about this because of how you've been in the past, and his libido
just doesn't match yours maybe stepping right back for a while will help. And see what happens.

His "I've got you" attitude and the fact that everything is his way stinks to be honest. I don't think this is just about sex or even intimacy. Do you think he respects you?

Blackbird1234 · 16/12/2021 13:38

I don't know if this will help you at all, but my boyfriend was similar to you and I was similar to your husband. He didnt feel he was pressuring me as he didnt "say" anything, but I still felt the pressure as I knew him and could tell that he was hoping for it, certainly when he came on to me. We struggled with this for a while, had a big conversation and now he has backed off entirely, I dont feel pressured at all and therefore our sex life is better because I'm actually in a place to desire it myself, rather than feel like I had to do it for him. Just a thought. Hope it all works out for you!

PWYP76 · 16/12/2021 14:34

Nah, I think he's getting a rise out of leading you on and then telling you to back off.

What an arseole!

OP, don't be ashamed that you are wanting sex on a regular basis. But perhaps zone in a bit more as to why your husband is getting sexual kicks by brushing you off.

When I've had good sex, I've wanted it every day! When I've had shit sex, probably once a month! So, don't listen to what other people are telling you about their sex drives!

Do you think he's still sexually attracted to you?

He's controlling. Get yourself a vibratory, and please yourself!

PWYP76 · 16/12/2021 14:35

Vibrator*

justasking111 · 16/12/2021 15:05

@PWYP76

Nah, I think he's getting a rise out of leading you on and then telling you to back off.

What an arseole!

OP, don't be ashamed that you are wanting sex on a regular basis. But perhaps zone in a bit more as to why your husband is getting sexual kicks by brushing you off.

When I've had good sex, I've wanted it every day! When I've had shit sex, probably once a month! So, don't listen to what other people are telling you about their sex drives!

Do you think he's still sexually attracted to you?

He's controlling. Get yourself a vibratory, and please yourself!

Well for the rest of her life if I had to resort to that it would be within his earshot and I would be screaming out another man's name
skodadoda · 17/12/2021 07:16

@ZippyZap

Sometimes I wonder if going back to no sex before marriage has its advantages... Maybe then we are truly thankful for the relationship part... And sex is an added bonus? I think sex is a bit addictive and it can cause issues if it isn't given in the usual amount, as it seems to be a common problem on here..... I always thought no sex before marriage was odd, but perhaps there is more logic to it than I once thought!
Very well put. I think the obsession with sex seems to overrule the fact that, in the long run, you need to be compatible.
Kenadams75 · 30/01/2022 05:14

@TTCbaby I totally get where you are coming from and from reading this post, I don't think you are being demanding or pressurising at all, it's fair to ask and if he then gives false hope of the next day, to them ask or remind of it isn't demanding or pressure.
Similar situation for me, my DW isn't as interested in sex anymore and I could easily have sex every day but have been where you are and get false hopes and rejections, she says that no to sex is not a rejection!! Can't see that myself. But it's hard on the self esteem to be told no so often, I don't ask daily by the way, in fact I have stopped asking, as I didn't want to pressure and it's ended up the way she wants, which is about once a week to a fortnight, which is very difficult for me but don't see a different way if she isn't up for it, I have always said it needs to be about both wanting to and not be one sided but means I miss out massively

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 30/01/2022 07:20

Get rid of the TV in the bedroom.

PinkButtercups · 30/01/2022 07:38

He's controlling.

He gets a kick out of rejecting you.

Tywin · 12/11/2022 18:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Cw112 · 12/11/2022 19:01

Is he stressed etc? Some people just have a lower sex drive than others, doesn't mean he doesn't love you or find you attractive etc. I'd also suggest maybe thinking about the time, if you've had a full on day at work, been sorting your kid out and then get to 9pm I think I'd also be quicker to sit on the sofa and chill than be able to get in the mood. Can you initiate in mornings or at weekends instead maybe? If he's snapping at you when you bring it up then it's obviously something he feels defensive about so I'd be inclined to park it completely and try to work on other areas of romance like kissing more, being more affectionate and trying to build in regular date nights where you go enjoy each other rather than just being mummy and daddy all the time.

LimeTwists · 12/11/2022 19:35

You seem really focused on counting sessions rather than the quality and intimacy of the experiences. Wouldn’t a few times a week when he’s really into it be much better for your relationship than creating such pressure for him to give in whenever you get the urge? Does it reassure you that he fancies you or something? Why can’t you sort yourself out if it’s a purely physical urge? Why would you want to have such frequent sex with someone who isn’t in the mood?

LimeTwists · 12/11/2022 19:36

These zombie resurrections are annoying me a lot now.

DonnaBanana · 12/11/2022 20:04

This thread keeps getting it up again more than OPs bloke.

newtb · 12/11/2022 20:09

PP have said have a conversation about it.
One compromise I've heard is for the person who wants more sex to work out the minimum acceptable and the other the maximum they'd accept. In between the 2 is the compromise.
Finally, a TV in the bedroom is supposed to be a block to sex, so possibly think of getting rid of it.

Greengagesnfennel · 12/11/2022 20:09

Are your circadian rhythms not matching perhaps. I love sex but not in the eve. Never been the time I want it. Have you tried other times of day?

Zippy1510 · 12/11/2022 20:14

Once a week is plenty for a zombie

DripDripDripSugar · 12/11/2022 20:15

I’m not sure watching a film for a couple of hours is incompatible with being too tired for sex. One is rather more energetic than the other.

Tinks95 · 12/11/2022 20:54

Have you tried leaving it a week or two and seeing if he advances to you? It might be that as you ask him and you’re always the one insinuating it , it looses that excitement if it’s planned rather than ‘ in the moment. ‘ See if he comes on to you .. and in the meantime get out your fancy toys and give yourself some loving haha!

Has it always been like this? Does he work long hours? Any health issues? I hope you can manage to find that happy medium in your relationship and I wish you all the best.

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