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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No sex

101 replies

TTCbaby · 15/12/2021 21:26

Am I being unreasonable being unhappy with the false promises of sex. Husband only wants to be intimate one a week and then I think he only does it because he feels he should. I would have sex every day but i understand that could be rather hard to keep up. So I’m happy to compromise at 3 days or there abouts. But he still doesn’t budge. He says he’s too tired at 9pm! Then promises for the next night. Then again 9pm comes he complains he’s tired but can sit and watch a film in bed for a couple of hours. It’s so frustrating being put off like this. Getting my hopes up to just be told not tonight. It’s so one sided. How should I fix this? Or am I being selfish?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2021 23:13

A lot of these replies are typical of anything to do with sex on here. Don’t feel downhearted. But I think your updates show there are other issues at play, he really doesn’t sound very nice Sad

Charlize43 · 15/12/2021 23:14

This is practically sexual harassment. You must learn the meaning of No meaning No. Stop treating your poor husband as a sex object for your own gratification.

Aderyn21 · 15/12/2021 23:26

This is not a 'poor husband'. Read what the OP says about his attitude and behaviour in general

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2021 23:27

@Charlize43

This is practically sexual harassment. You must learn the meaning of No meaning No. Stop treating your poor husband as a sex object for your own gratification.
Oh bloody hell. Don’t be so fucking ridiculous.

The “god no, I’d rather have a cuppa” brigade are out in force tonight. Take a day off.

OkThenJustChill · 15/12/2021 23:33

I would make cheeky jokes about having an affair every time he tried to tease you and not follow through. I would also resist temptation and reject him every other week for a few months. Make him realise he can't control you with sex. It might be difficult but long term it will be worth it.

Also, if you don't have one already, invest in a vibrator and please yourself!

WouldBeGood · 15/12/2021 23:34

YANBU. Sex is an important part of a relationship. He sounds as though he uses it as a power thing? Not nice.

Could you go to therapy @TTCbaby? I think it would really help you with this

justasking111 · 15/12/2021 23:35

This is so sad OP wants to feel wanted he's not impotent just controlling, flirting all day then knocking it on the head is just cruel.

mumda · 15/12/2021 23:38

@TTCbaby

It’s not the sex it’s the intimacy I miss. I don’t think 3 days a week is anything out of the ordinary.
Can you snuggle or Spoon in a non-sexual way?
SW1amp · 15/12/2021 23:39

@OkThenJustChill

I would make cheeky jokes about having an affair every time he tried to tease you and not follow through. I would also resist temptation and reject him every other week for a few months. Make him realise he can't control you with sex. It might be difficult but long term it will be worth it.

Also, if you don't have one already, invest in a vibrator and please yourself!

Yes, Playing mins games to guilt or worry someone into having sex with you is a healthy functional way to conduct a relationship

DONT do this, OP
It is absolutely terrible advice

Jeanlope · 15/12/2021 23:40

I think you're just putting pressure on him to perform without realising.. Plus, forgive me if this sounds horrible, but desperation is also really unattractive. You want him to want you and want to have sex with you, not to feel he has to just because you're desperate and upset.. Perhaps back off a little and let him be the one to chase you a bit.

Jeanlope · 15/12/2021 23:43

Just seen your update about his behaviour. In that case, he's a tosser who obviously uses sex as a weapon. I'd start by addressing your relationship first before your intimacy issues.

OneForTh · 15/12/2021 23:48

He sounds asexual. Yanbu. Especially if he was more into sex in the past. Would he be OK with you discreetly having a friend with benefits? You shouldn't have to be trapped in a sexless marriage.

lynntheyresexpeople · 15/12/2021 23:52

No one should compromise to have more sex they don't want, to keep their partner happy. Male or female.

lynntheyresexpeople · 15/12/2021 23:52

@OkThenJustChill

I would make cheeky jokes about having an affair every time he tried to tease you and not follow through. I would also resist temptation and reject him every other week for a few months. Make him realise he can't control you with sex. It might be difficult but long term it will be worth it.

Also, if you don't have one already, invest in a vibrator and please yourself!

Don't do this - it's fucking terrible advice
AcrossthePond55 · 15/12/2021 23:59

First off, no one should ever have sex when they don't want to, male or female. So if he has less of a sex drive than you do, so be it. Get a rampant rabbit or leave.

Ok, that's out of the way. But if what you are saying is so, that he 'flirts' and touches you during the day in ways that make you think he's up for it, only to have him 'shut it down' in the evening, there's a name for someone like that....he's a 'fanny-tease'. It's not nice and in your situation it's probably a power play. Or he gets pleasure out of frustrating you. Either way, that's shitty behaviour and probably indicative of something more serious within your marriage. I'd suggest you take a look at your relationship in its totality, not just his bedroom behaviour, and see where the 'cracks' are.

As far as his teasing behaviour, I'd suggest that not only do you not respond to him or show 'eagerness', but that you shut him down verbally with "Now John, you know you won't be up for it tonight so please stop . Don't be a tease."

Summerfun54321 · 16/12/2021 00:29

Do you ever instigate sex in the morning or daytime instead when he’s not tired? I don’t think it’s that uncommon to feel too tired for sex in the evening when you have young kids. I would hate for my DH to nag me for sex when I wanted to just sleep.

DBI78 · 16/12/2021 05:54

@TTCbaby

He gives me the cone on all day. Like touching teasing etc then by night time he says and I quote- we ain’t having sex tonight you know that? So it’s not all bad me. I admit I have pestered but he’s told me before to pack that in and I have now as it’s exhausting putting all the effort in all the time.
Right well that's totally different. Im not sure what he's doing, does he feel emasculated and is trying to take control.? Is he not a nice person? Is he having issues with sex or mental health problems? I would back off, if he flirt/teases don't respond. Literally take sex off the agenda altogether don't expect it or ask for it. Then when he's not playing mind games and your not feeling rejected sit down together and talking honestly about what's happening and what you both want. Try to build your sex life together so it's something you are both happy and comfortable with.
Brieandcamembert · 16/12/2021 07:28

I'm going against the grain here but I very strongly feel that it is selfish of any man or woman to withhold sex from their spouse. Obviously it has to be consensual but I think entering into a marriage where you expect someone not to sleep with anyone else but then it not being on the cards for you is actually not ok.

Pazuzu · 16/12/2021 07:51

Nice to see the rules are different on threads like this. If it was a male OP he'd have got absolutely flamed alive for being a sex pest.

Sounds like you need to back off. Nothing less arousing than being expected to perform on command like a trained monkey. He does the deed, you expect more. That's how he's thinking.

WouldBeGood · 16/12/2021 07:53

I’d ask about this in relationships rather than AIBU @TTCbaby.

You’ll get help there rather than rants about being a sex pest 🙄

Chely · 16/12/2021 08:02

There are clearly issues for him outside of the bedroom and you need to talk to him about that. If you make him feel supported he's more likely to want to have that physical contact you crave.
Get yourself some toys to enjoy until things get back on track.

Jobseeker19 · 16/12/2021 08:05

You're going to make him dread the evening and feel anxious and night time comes.
He could say yes defo tonight and then change his mind. You need to be prepared for that.

HoseMeDownWithHolyWater · 16/12/2021 08:16

There is more than lack of sex going on here.

Do you think he's playing games with you?

ElectraBlue · 16/12/2021 08:20

Was he always like that? I assume not, so what has changed to change his behaviour? is he feeling stressed/physically unwell? problems at work?

I think the biggest problem is the lack of communication. You should be able to discuss this as a couple. Him getting angry and dismissing your concerns is simply not right. Could couple counselling be an option?

Also maybe try to make him see that you want physical closeness (hugs, kiss) and that does not necessarily has to deal to sex all the time.

That said, it must be really frustrating for you and I can completely understand that it must be hard not to lose confidence in this situation.

Also ignore the people who are calling you a 'sex pest'. If you enter a romantic relationship with someone, you are physically attracted to them and you want to be intimate with them. You are not expecting them to behave like a platonic friend...unless you agreed from the beginning that sex was not a big deal/you are asexual. You should be able to discuss your needs openly if you feel rejected.

At least he should be able to open up about the fact that he might be stressed and temporarily not keen on sex. At least you would know where you stand. Just ignoring the problem is not going to do any good to your relationship.

Lime37 · 16/12/2021 08:30

Me and my husband have sex earlier in the evening as we found if we wait ones till bed time we where both tiered. So once our 3 year old is in bed and settled we do it then.

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