AIBU to struggle with husband weight gain

[loveisagirlnameddaisy]

First, I should state that this isn't straightforward.

DH has struggled with his weight all his life. He finds it exceedingly hard to lose weight and has put a lot of effort into finding out why. He's seen a dietitian privately and spent thousands on tests and consultations. A conventional approach to dieting doesn't work. He's tried IF, low cal, low carb, exercised etc etc

We think it's hormonal and a gastro endocrinologist said the same, but without spending more money we won't know for sure.

DH lost some weight last year but it was hard won and took ages. He showed remarkable willpower to lose the weight he did, but given his excess weight it was baffling that he couldn't lose more.

This year he's had a lot to deal with, and he's put most of the weight back on. He tends to carry the majority on his tummy which I just hate. He looks pregnant and I find it such a turn off. But at the same time, I feel like a complete cow because of the context of the situation. If he were blatantly overeating and just couldn't be arsed, I'd feel more justified. But he's not.

So. Am I being unreasonable to resent the way he looks? And how do I deal with the way I feel?

You can feel however you feel about it, but its not helpful to you or him. What is stopping him losing it again?

How would you feel if it were the last the way round?
What about his health?

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to not find it sexually appealing because you can’t really help that.

I think you’d be very unreasonable to say anything about it that isn’t supportive. I’m totally inside with people who are fed up of partners who are lazy, sitting around eating too much bad food with no interest in their health, but that’s not what’s happening here. It’s a health issue and it sounds like he doesn’t have control over it.

Do you think he might be a secret eater? Has he considered getting weight loss surgery?

“Am I being unreasonable to resent the way he looks? And how do I deal with the way I feel?”

A bit, yes… but you can’t help the way you feel. No-one can help not being physically attracted to a partner whose body has changed dramatically.

This sounds like a medical issue/as a pp suggested secret eating… I’d want to fully explore that side. Has he seen a G.P?

What would you feel like if it was you that developed something he found unattractive? It’s a tough one.

Every dietician, personal trainer on the planet will tell you that there's no such thing as baffling weight gain or impossible to lose weight. Outside of a medical condition or hormone problem which you've extensively investigated, your husband is secret eating.

No idea what you can do about it but I’d definitely feel the same.

YANBU to feel how you feel. I suspect like pp he is a secret eater.

@redbigbananafeet

Every dietician, personal trainer on the planet will tell you that there's no such thing as baffling weight gain or impossible to lose weight. Outside of a medical condition or hormone problem which you've extensively investigated, your husband is secret eating.

In fairness, the OP said herself it looks to be hormonal We think it's hormonal and a gastro endocrinologist said the same

I think people jumping to 'secret earring' is very unfair. My DM has weight issues post cancer treatment and has also had it thoroughly investigated. She in no way is a secret eater-it's just not in her and she tries so hard to shift weight and gets so upset when she practically starves herself to see little affect.

A specialist has said the cancer treatment has left her with a hormone in balance as some of the treatment has affected the hypothalamus in the brain. This means her body constantly thinks she's in starvation mode so stores fat regardless of how little she eats.

I would add that getting to the above diagnosis cost a hell of a lot of money and she saw a lot of specialists and had a lot of tests to get there.

I say the above to illustrate that it's not always as simple as 'he's obviously secretly eating' .

OP, you can't control how you feel but given how much effort you say your DH puts into this and what a hard year he's had, I think continued support is all you can do.

Whoops! Should say secret eating! Obviously

Blusteringboobies I'm very sorry to hear about your wife and her health battles. However I'm also aware that if you are willing to pay for the answer you want to hear you can find someone to tell you it. If I offer money and am persistent I will be able to find someone to write me an essay on how the Hilo cost didn't happen. Just because the OPMfinally found someone to say what she wanted to hear doesn't mean it's true.

I think some people do find it harder to lose weight. My other half is a big guy, very broad and carries weight on his stomach. His Bmi puts him at obese.

He goes to the gym a lot, cycles to work every day and doesn't eat huge amounts. Over lockdown he got into running and was running half marathon distances. Didn't lose a single pound.

Does he exercise specifically lift weights?
If he could get into that it might be helpful because a) more muscle mass burns more fat and b) I personally find fat unappealing but it's better in the context of some muscle so I can make an exception for Eddie Hall or The Mountain
Most men are shit at dieting. DH certainly is and I have given up trying to get him to modify his sweet tooth, lack of any portion control and endless snacking but I have got him into going to the gym. You can't outrun a crap diet so he hasn't spectacularly lost weight but he has put on muscle and looks better as a result. Chest and shoulders balance out the belly
The look I really dislike is that skinny fat look on men.
I know this is shallow. It has nothing to do with my love for him which is based on his personality but sexually I am less attracted to unfit guys.

What are his parents like, just wondering if it’s genetic?
I think YABU it’s not like he isn’t trying.
Can you imagine the uproar on MN if your husband posted about you in a similar way?

Are you really really sure he’s not eating more food than he’s letting on? As it sounds like he is, especially given you said he’s had a lot to deal with which to me sounds like he’s been eating way more than he’s saying he is. By all these tests and money spent, it also sounds like he’s looking for a magic cure or something that will say it’s not his fault so he doesn’t have to do anything about it because he can’t.

But 99.9999% of the time weight is to do with what you put in your mouth and what exercise you do, with some allowances for genetic differences in how people hold weight. And generally all that is tied up in mental health too.

It’s not at all unreasonable to find that a turn off in a partner (sexually, lifestyle, etc), but I’m not sure what you can do about it if you want to stay with him.

You can’t help the way you feel. It sounds like a real issue for him so you have to be supportive - and keep very actively encouraging him to find a solution for the sake of his health.

Get the paperwork from the private endo, if they provided clear evidence that there may be a medical issue, then ask your GP for an NHS referral - it will take a while but shouldn’t be an issue.

Secondly, are you really sure he isn’t a secret emotional eater. People do vary in their capacity for gaining weight for medical reasons, but rarely to the extreme your husband has experienced.

The most likely explanation is secret emotional eating. Observe him and see if you think it might be that. If so tackle gently but firmly - it’s not Ok if he’s spending thousands of pounds of your money on treatments that he knows will never work - but an emotional dependency on food is hard to overcome.

@redbigbananafeet

Every dietician, personal trainer on the planet will tell you that there's no such thing as baffling weight gain or impossible to lose weight. Outside of a medical condition or hormone problem which you've extensively investigated, your husband is secret eating.

Even if there is a hormonal condition basic science still applies, calorie surplus causes weight gain, calorie deficit causes weight loss. Some conditions can make appetite greater, or take longer to satisfy, or make exercise more difficult, but the reality is if he maintained a daily 1,000 calorie deficit he would lose 2lbs a week just like anyone else.

He is either secret eating, their portions are larger than they think, he is lying about the amount of exercise he does, or a combination of all three.

Have you looked into CBT or other therapy around eating patterns?

I agree with PP that if you pay enough you will find someone to tell you what you want to hear.

I wonder if the way to find out if it is that he is just eating more than he says is to do a brief stint of total, portioned meal replacement? If you can only have 3 shakes a day or whatever and nothing else in the house, if he is secret eating you'll soon notice him going on "walks" a lot! I know this from a sibling who tried to hide that they smoked as a young teenager ...

He's genetically predisposed to gain weight. You don't find that attractive.

On MN everyone lives off dust so they will be telling you to encourage him to do the same.

You either accept him as he is or leave him to find someone else who will.

Thanks for all the replies. To try and address some of the questions, secret eating would be an obvious explanation but I truly believe that isn't the case. He is not the kind of guy to sabotage his own efforts, he desperately wants to lose weight and has spent a lot of money in the process.

His parents aren't overweight although I do think his mum his responsible for his weight problems - was always told to clear his plate and she still tries to overfeed him (she was born in the war and is obsessed with overfeeding everyone).

He's had hypnotherapy for a phobia, but not eating - this is something we've discussed and I think he would be open to that if he thought it would be effective.

@CovoidOfAllHumanity

Does he exercise specifically lift weights? If he could get into that it might be helpful because a) more muscle mass burns more fat and b) I personally find fat unappealing but it's better in the context of some muscle so I can make an exception for Eddie Hall or The Mountain Most men are shit at dieting. DH certainly is and I have given up trying to get him to modify his sweet tooth, lack of any portion control and endless snacking but I have got him into going to the gym. You can't outrun a crap diet so he hasn't spectacularly lost weight but he has put on muscle and looks better as a result. Chest and shoulders balance out the belly The look I really dislike is that skinny fat look on men. I know this is shallow. It has nothing to do with my love for him which is based on his personality but sexually I am less attracted to unfit guys.

He has a love-hate relationship with the gym, which I do as well, so I sympathise. He did go years ago, pre kids and that helped with his weight but he needs to exercise a lot for it to make any real impact.

@MatildaIThink this is something that we've researched extensively and there's different schools of thought on calories in=calories out. I'm about to buy Why We Eat and i think that looks at diet and metabolism as being far more complex than just calorie deficits.

He used MFP most of last year when he lost weight, weighed and logged everything, was on about 1800 cals per day (he's 6'4") and some weeks lost nothing. Would love explanations for why.

What is the hormonal issue you’re trying to identify is causing his weight gain?

Sounds a bit obvious but has he had thyroid function tests?