AIBU to struggle with husband weight gain

[loveisagirlnameddaisy]

First, I should state that this isn't straightforward.

DH has struggled with his weight all his life. He finds it exceedingly hard to lose weight and has put a lot of effort into finding out why. He's seen a dietitian privately and spent thousands on tests and consultations. A conventional approach to dieting doesn't work. He's tried IF, low cal, low carb, exercised etc etc

We think it's hormonal and a gastro endocrinologist said the same, but without spending more money we won't know for sure.

DH lost some weight last year but it was hard won and took ages. He showed remarkable willpower to lose the weight he did, but given his excess weight it was baffling that he couldn't lose more.

This year he's had a lot to deal with, and he's put most of the weight back on. He tends to carry the majority on his tummy which I just hate. He looks pregnant and I find it such a turn off. But at the same time, I feel like a complete cow because of the context of the situation. If he were blatantly overeating and just couldn't be arsed, I'd feel more justified. But he's not.

So. Am I being unreasonable to resent the way he looks? And how do I deal with the way I feel?

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Are supposed to be very good. And bimuno do a daily prebiotic which feeds the bacteria to keep them healthy rather than just keep chucking more bacteria down.

Why not give it a try whilst you're waiting for an appointment?

@loveisagirlnameddaisy I know. I’m truly not trying to be unkind, just honest. It sounds tough and it’s clear that you love your husband and want to avoid hurting him I wish you both the best.

@CovoidOfAllHumanity

Does he exercise specifically lift weights? If he could get into that it might be helpful because a) more muscle mass burns more fat and b) I personally find fat unappealing but it's better in the context of some muscle so I can make an exception for Eddie Hall or The Mountain Most men are shit at dieting. DH certainly is and I have given up trying to get him to modify his sweet tooth, lack of any portion control and endless snacking but I have got him into going to the gym. You can't outrun a crap diet so he hasn't spectacularly lost weight but he has put on muscle and looks better as a result. Chest and shoulders balance out the belly The look I really dislike is that skinny fat look on men. I know this is shallow. It has nothing to do with my love for him which is based on his personality but sexually I am less attracted to unfit guys.

Have you seen Eddie Hall recently?

He's shredded to fuck.

I agree he’s not a secret eater. And his efforts should have resulted in weight loss so there is probably something making it harder for him (not impossible once you know what it is). There are many outside factors to excess abdominal fat/weight.

• has he been tested for type 2 diabetes? Abdominal fat has a symbiotic relationship with diabetes in that it can cause diabetes and then diabetes in turn causes even more increased abdominal fat when blood sugar levels spike.

• has he had his liver and kidney functions tested? Fatty liver disease or renal failure can cause a build up of fluid in the abdomen which isn’t fat but does make the person look pregnant. If his arms, legs are relatively normal and it’s all in his belly, it’s worth testing his liver and kidneys. (It’s also why men get “beer bellies” the alcohol degrades their liver and kidney function and that fluid retention plus beer calories create the big beer bellies).

• is he on any medications that can cause weight gain or affect liver/kidney function?

• lactose intolerance can develop anytime in life and can cause abdominal bloating. Has he tried cutting down on dairy? Especially cheese?

• Obstructions in the bowel or inflammation can cause a distended belly. Usually the person feels constipated or gassy or has diarreha in a constant cycle.

• has he been tested for pancreatitis or cystic fibrosis? These can cause exocrine pancreatic deficiency which is lack of digestive enzymes that can cause bloating/distended abdomen. Pancreatic enzyme replacement therapy (PERT) Can help.

-As men age, their abdominal muscles also weaken and that basically means the organs sort of sag and push their belly outwards. So exercising his core and practicing good posture...as in don’t slouch to try and hide stomach can help.

This is just to add on to other advice you have received. Have been many good posts suggesting other avenues of inquiry you can take.

To address you feelings. You can’t help the attraction bit, but perhaps just snuggling up in the dark and cuddling can reignite desire in you. Also just little acts of affection can help him keep his motivation up to tackle the weight- the odd hug, touch his shoulder, hold hands....

MatildaTheCat

Sounds a bit obvious but has he had thyroid function tests?

Yes, he has. He's on the low end, which we thought was a lightbulb moment, but no-one he's seen is convinced taking meds would do anything significant. GP won't prescribe because technically he's within the scale set by NICE, or whoever.

We've discussed getting a private prescription but he hasn't done that yet.

GET A PRIVATE PRESCRIPTION. I've heard of this a few times- being close to the arbitrary cut off point can mean little, it could still very easily be basically his thyroid that's the issue.

Could he try the drug Saxenda? My DP lost 4 stone on it earlier in the year.
Bought it on private prescription.
He is a blatant eater tho, no secret where his came from .

Just to address the secret eating suggestions.

My husband thought I was a secret eater when I struggled to lose weight. I'd say "I exercise for hours and I don't eat a lot", he'd nod along. Only in the pandemic when he was WFH every day did he realise I was not lying at all. I eat healthily, not a lot, and I literally cannot lose weight. I walk for hours and hours a day. I have an active job.

I have 1 diagnosed health condition, GP has said I likely have another one but they won't investigate it at the moment, he says my symptoms aren't severe enough to do much about it.

So just because somebody struggles with weight loss doesn't mean they're secret eating.

Not directed at you OP, directed at many posters who, by the sounds of things, are probably lucky and have bodies that function as they should.

[quote AutumnLeaves21]@loveisagirlnameddaisy I know. I’m truly not trying to be unkind, just honest. It sounds tough and it’s clear that you love your husband and want to avoid hurting him I wish you both the best.[/quote]
Thanks, appreciate you saying this.

@VitalsStable

Garden of Life raw microbiome ultimate care (£31.59, www.gardenoflife.co.uk/raw-microbiome-ultimate-shelf-30-capsules/12434412.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Gardenoflife.co.uk)

Are supposed to be very good. And bimuno do a daily prebiotic which feeds the bacteria to keep them healthy rather than just keep chucking more bacteria down.

Why not give it a try whilst you're waiting for an appointment?

I'll see if he's taken these before, he did get a load of supplements from his dietitian but nothing really made a huge difference.

@EmpressCixi

I agree he’s not a secret eater. And his efforts should have resulted in weight loss so there is probably something making it harder for him (not impossible once you know what it is). There are many outside factors to excess abdominal fat/weight.

• has he been tested for type 2 diabetes? Abdominal fat has a symbiotic relationship with diabetes in that it can cause diabetes and then diabetes in turn causes even more increased abdominal fat when blood sugar levels spike.

• has he had his liver and kidney functions tested? Fatty liver disease or renal failure can cause a build up of fluid in the abdomen which isn’t fat but does make the person look pregnant. If his arms, legs are relatively normal and it’s all in his belly, it’s worth testing his liver and kidneys. (It’s also why men get “beer bellies” the alcohol degrades their liver and kidney function and that fluid retention plus beer calories create the big beer bellies).

• is he on any medications that can cause weight gain or affect liver/kidney function?

• lactose intolerance can develop anytime in life and can cause abdominal bloating. Has he tried cutting down on dairy? Especially cheese?

• Obstructions in the bowel or inflammation can cause a distended belly. Usually the person feels constipated or gassy or has diarreha in a constant cycle.

• has he been tested for pancreatitis or cystic fibrosis? These can cause exocrine pancreatic deficiency which is lack of digestive enzymes that can cause bloating/distended abdomen. Pancreatic enzyme replacement therapy (PERT) Can help.

-As men age, their abdominal muscles also weaken and that basically means the organs sort of sag and push their belly outwards. So exercising his core and practicing good posture...as in don’t slouch to try and hide stomach can help.

This is just to add on to other advice you have received. Have been many good posts suggesting other avenues of inquiry you can take.

To address you feelings. You can’t help the attraction bit, but perhaps just snuggling up in the dark and cuddling can reignite desire in you. Also just little acts of affection can help him keep his motivation up to tackle the weight- the odd hug, touch his shoulder, hold hands....

Thanks for taking the time to share all this, I'll have a good read tomorrow and see if there's anything we haven't considered. He has had lots of tests but nothing conclusive came from them.

@Skeumorph

MatildaTheCat

Sounds a bit obvious but has he had thyroid function tests?

Yes, he has. He's on the low end, which we thought was a lightbulb moment, but no-one he's seen is convinced taking meds would do anything significant. GP won't prescribe because technically he's within the scale set by NICE, or whoever.

We've discussed getting a private prescription but he hasn't done that yet.

GET A PRIVATE PRESCRIPTION. I've heard of this a few times- being close to the arbitrary cut off point can mean little, it could still very easily be basically his thyroid that's the issue.

I have said this to him but I think he's influenced by everyone he's seen, including an endocrinologist (albeit only at an initial consult) saying they don't think thyroid meds are the answer.

I don't know if there are serious potential side effects but if not I think it's worth a go.

It sounds to me as if he needs to stop wasting money and go and get bariatric surgery. I paid for mine privately with 0% credit.
It was the best thing ever, I would have been fat for life otherwise.
Don't bother with a band gastric sleeve or bypass works best.

Is this all coming from him OP? Because I'm seeing from your posts that you're pushing the knife if it gets the results you want. It's a smite alarming.

@gamerchick

Is this all coming from him OP? Because I'm seeing from your posts that you're pushing the knife if it gets the results you want. It's a smite alarming.

Well, he doesn't know about this thread, if that's what you mean. He is aware of many of the options discussed on this thread and we have talked them over many times in recent months.

No need to be alarmed, he's not going to do anything that's not his decision, it's not in his nature.

In response to an earlier poster, you'd need to have end stage liver failure or advanced kidney failure for fluid to build up in the abdomen (ascites). If he is otherwise well , this a very unlikely cause of his central obesity. Similarly, if he had bowel obstruction you'd know about it.

So just because somebody struggles with weight loss doesn't mean they're secret eating.

Not directed at you OP, directed at many posters who, by the sounds of things, are probably lucky and have bodies that function as they should.

Not at all, I think most of us struggle to lose weight and that's how we know. Struggling to lose weight even when you eat healthy and (what feels like) not a lot is actually the norm, not a rare medical condition.

I think when people are saying secret eating, they don't mean necessarily stuffing down bars of chocolate in the car. It can be a little extra here and there, oil with cooking, milk with hot drinks, slice of bread, a beer.

1800 calories a day isn't low at all and if on top of that you eat back exercise calories as calculated by mfp, it would be a suprise if you did lose weight really.

I'm a bit alarmed about the enthusiasm for gastric surgery.
I know it can be life saving ... but that's my very point.

You should only get it if is life-saving.

It's a very radical thing to do otherwise, and carries many long-term health risks.

Most people who had gastric surgery end up still quite overweight afterwards, just not as very overweight as they were pre-surgery.

You don't have to be eating in secret, or even eating a lot to struggle to lose weight.

If I eat over 1000 calls a day I won't lose weight. At best I'll stay the same. If I exercise a little as well I might make a tiny loss of half a pound-a pound. To lose 2-3lb a week which as I have over 4st to lose should be easy, I have to stick to 800 cals or less and exercise fairly intensively.

I mentioned my DP upthread. He's unable to do much exercise currently for health reasons. He is trying to lose a little weight, he weighs almost 20st (at 6ft) and would like to be at least a stone lighter. He dropped to one modest meal, plus fruit, every day for a month and lost about 12lb. However now eating 2 meals a day - no secret eating, possibly the odd additional Ryvita or slice of cheese or cooked meat - and 2 months on he's regained about half that. Because whilst he would like to be a little slimmer, he finds existing on 1 meal a day pretty torturous and not sustainable.

Have you considered him having a secret drinking problem? Would explain a few things...

Was it an NHS GP or endocrinologist who said, one the basis of ‘borderline’ NHS thyroid tests, that they didn’t recommend medication? If so would seek more tests privately. NHS ‘bar’ for treatment is v high - lots of threads on this on MN.

You can't force yourself to be sexually attracted to someone weather it's unkind or not !!

Yes, OP’s post was about her thoughts and feelings about her H’s body, and most of us have focused on how to help him lose weight and identify any medical issues.

It’s U to ‘resent’ someone for their body looking a certain way.

But not U to no longer feel as much - or any - sexual attraction towards someone, for any reason. If you feel v little or no sexual attraction, or don’t enjoy sex with him anymore, and one or both of you regard sex as a high priority, that’s a big problem.

@Marvellousmadness

Have you considered him having a secret drinking problem? Would explain a few things...

No, he's pretty much teetotal. I'm the secret drinker!

What was the thyroid result? It's generally accepted nowadays that lower is better. Old guidelines used to state that Tsh of 0.5 to 5 was within range, but I certainly feel better and manage my weight better when mine is around 1.

You can't force yourself to be sexually attracted to someone weather it's unkind or not !!
No but this thread got me thinking, I did comment on DP being overweight, there's a lot more to be attracted too than just the physical side of a person and sometimes I lose sight of that.

If I was in your DH's position I'd definitely have surgery, he has exhausted other options and he is miserable. I don't have a weight problem but have had addiction issues so feel I have an understanding of the feelings the yoyo behaviours that create it.