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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to struggle with husband weight gain

112 replies

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 14/12/2021 18:33

First, I should state that this isn't straightforward.

DH has struggled with his weight all his life. He finds it exceedingly hard to lose weight and has put a lot of effort into finding out why. He's seen a dietitian privately and spent thousands on tests and consultations. A conventional approach to dieting doesn't work. He's tried IF, low cal, low carb, exercised etc etc

We think it's hormonal and a gastro endocrinologist said the same, but without spending more money we won't know for sure.

DH lost some weight last year but it was hard won and took ages. He showed remarkable willpower to lose the weight he did, but given his excess weight it was baffling that he couldn't lose more.

This year he's had a lot to deal with, and he's put most of the weight back on. He tends to carry the majority on his tummy which I just hate. He looks pregnant and I find it such a turn off. But at the same time, I feel like a complete cow because of the context of the situation. If he were blatantly overeating and just couldn't be arsed, I'd feel more justified. But he's not.

So. Am I being unreasonable to resent the way he looks? And how do I deal with the way I feel?

OP posts:
loveisagirlnameddaisy · 15/12/2021 14:03

@Suzi888

“Am I being unreasonable to resent the way he looks? And how do I deal with the way I feel?”

A bit, yes… but you can’t help the way you feel. No-one can help not being physically attracted to a partner whose body has changed dramatically.

This sounds like a medical issue/as a pp suggested secret eating… I’d want to fully explore that side. Has he seen a G.P?

What would you feel like if it was you that developed something he found unattractive? It’s a tough one.

GPs haven't got a clue, in my experience. I think medical training currently is pretty basic in nutrition and what it covers.

I really feel like it isn't secret eating, unless he's got a huge emotional issue I'm not aware of. He's very open and honest with me, desperately wants to lose weight and if he were secret eating, he's hiding the evidence incredibly well.

OP posts:
catfunk · 15/12/2021 14:03

I would encourage him to join some kind of exercise programme which will help with his health whilst you sort out the food/ hormone issue.
Personally I find it difficult to stick to exercise unless I do some kind of pre paid boot camp where you're accountable and can't skive. Would you consider going with him for support ?

Caramellatteplease · 15/12/2021 14:04

He doesn't log everything he eats. Hes making errors in his logging. Do you have a set of electronic scales on your kitchen top?

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 15/12/2021 14:04

@MatildaTheCat

Sounds a bit obvious but has he had thyroid function tests?
Yes, he has. He's on the low end, which we thought was a lightbulb moment, but no-one he's seen is convinced taking meds would do anything significant. GP won't prescribe because technically he's within the scale set by NICE, or whoever.

We've discussed getting a private prescription but he hasn't done that yet.

OP posts:
RincewindsHat · 15/12/2021 14:05

@redbigbananafeet

Every dietician, personal trainer on the planet will tell you that there's no such thing as baffling weight gain or impossible to lose weight. Outside of a medical condition or hormone problem which you've extensively investigated, your husband is secret eating.
Untrue and unhelpful in the extreme. Apart from the fast that they're not medical professionals and probably aren't keeping up to date on the most recent and relevant studies on the topic of weight gain, weight loss and related areas, an awful lot of PTs and nutritionists still buy into the calories theory which has been debunked. It's been demonstrated that actually hormones and our own bodies all play a huge role in weight loss, weight gain, how and where fat is laid down etc and it's nowhere as simple as calories in vs calories out. It's clearly a topic you feel passionately about so if you are interested in to learning more on this by reading some of the studies or books on this topic, Dr Jason Fung's The Obesity Code is a great place to start and references several studies you can read for additional info.
loveisagirlnameddaisy · 15/12/2021 14:05

@Caramellatteplease

He doesn't log everything he eats. Hes making errors in his logging. Do you have a set of electronic scales on your kitchen top?
Electronic scales, logs everything. Well, not currently as he's given up, but when he was dieting last year he was meticulous about keeping track. Used MFP every day for every meal and logged all exercise.
OP posts:
loveisagirlnameddaisy · 15/12/2021 14:06

@RincewindsHat thank you, I will definitely take a look!

OP posts:
FusionChefGeoff · 15/12/2021 14:08

Another suggestion for reading Why We Ear Too Much I'm nearly finished and it's been very enlightening

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 15/12/2021 14:09

@catfunk

I would encourage him to join some kind of exercise programme which will help with his health whilst you sort out the food/ hormone issue. Personally I find it difficult to stick to exercise unless I do some kind of pre paid boot camp where you're accountable and can't skive. Would you consider going with him for support ?
Yes, I would. But he's got a secondary problem which is knackered Achilles tendons, he's had physio but looks like he might need surgery to remove old scar tissue. That would be a private operation or long wait on NHS.

He can swim without pain, but hates it. And while exercise is great for lots of reasons, it's not the primary driver of weight loss.

OP posts:
OnlyAFleshWound · 15/12/2021 14:13

Used MFP every day for every meal and logged all exercise

Eating back exercise calories is never going to work.

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 15/12/2021 14:16

I guess what I'm looking for from this thread is not whether he's secret eating or not, because I don't believe he is/was, but how I can support him and how I manage my feelings of not liking the weight gain. I love him to bits, he's truly my soulmate, but I want to look at him and feel how I used to. And if I can't, what should I tell myself to manage those emotions?

OP posts:
RosiePosieDozy · 15/12/2021 14:20

You don't find him attractive with the size he is. You find his slimmer frame attractive. He is the only one who can lose the weight. He is the one in control of his body.

Either you accept the fact that you don't find him attractive like you used to and love him for who he is as a person or you leave. There's no magic spell. And there's no guarantee that he will ever lose weight.

gamerchick · 15/12/2021 14:22

He used MFP most of last year when he lost weight, weighed and logged everything, was on about 1800 cals per day (he's 6'4") and some weeks lost nothing. Would love explanations for why.

Not eating enough? Not eating enough protein?

Personally I think he should hook himself up with a personal trainer who does the eating part as well. Total overhaul.

gamerchick · 15/12/2021 14:23

Or you can accept him the way he is or release him to find someone who will. It's no life.

Emerald5hamrock · 15/12/2021 14:23

Would he consider surgery a gastric sleeve, drastic I know but if he has tried everything else.

My friend had it done 6 months ago she has lost 5 stone.

I understand how you feel about your DH's weight, my OH carries it mainly around the stomach, he looks pregnant with twins, it is unattractive and makes me feel like such a shallow cow thinking about him like that.

Sex is awkward, his portions are huge, instead of 3/4 small meals he eats 2 massive meals.

Dozer · 15/12/2021 14:24

Health wise, if he’s spent a lot on diet help, a bit more money on private GP for further thyroid tests and medicines would probably be good.

EmpressSuiko · 15/12/2021 14:33

Some thyroid issues won’t show up on a basic blood test done by the gp so he may need a referral to a specialist to discuss this.
My husband has a hormonal stomach, he only gains weight on his stomach and no where else but he does have a hormonal issue causing the problem.

DeepaBeesKit · 15/12/2021 14:40

If he is very inactive even at 6ft 4 1800 calories a day could still be not much below his basal metabolic rate, and if so he would not lose much weight.

Maybe get him to try 1500 a day and see if he loses consistently.

I'm willing to bet he is missing some calories from drinks or cooking ingredients like oil, and underestimating calorie intake.

gunnersgold · 15/12/2021 14:42

See a private endocrinologist! I was told my thyroid was fine but private tests showed I have an autoimmune thyroid disease .
If he isn't secretly eating then something must be wrong , has he always been overweight! ?

Caramellatteplease · 15/12/2021 14:45

When I was losing weight I would log half my exercise calories then eat half back. Exercise really has bugger all to do with losing weight and mfp has a tendency to vastly overestimate calorie burn.

Does he cook all his meals separately?

workshy44 · 15/12/2021 14:46

Every overweight person I know says they don't eat much. The reality is that in 99.9% of cases they do
A friend said she ate nothing couldn't understand why she was so bug, ate as much as us etc etc and got a gastric band and lost 10 stone in a year. If she was eating nothing to begin with she would have lost v little
Often if you are a picker you can rack up the calories without even realizing, having a dinner before dinner with all the tasting while cooking. I would recommend writing down every single thing he puts into his mouth, I would wager it will be enlightening

soberclover · 15/12/2021 14:51

I have a husband who is very overweight. He has always been overweight. The only time he lost weight was when he was under incredible stress. It was horrible..

He eats too much and exercises too little. He does exercise but at a low intensity.

Anyway I have made my peace with it now (we have been together a long time) because:

He dresses really well and his personal hygiene is spot on. I couldn't cope with sweaty/smelly man with nasty hair/beard, crusty skin etc (sorry for the image)

It is literally the only 'thing' that could be improved. He is kind, funny, brilliant in bed, hard worker, never lost his temper etc etc.

So I genuinely find him attractive even though 20 year old shallow me wouldn't date him.

MatildaIThink · 15/12/2021 15:04

[quote loveisagirlnameddaisy]@MatildaIThink this is something that we've researched extensively and there's different schools of thought on calories in=calories out. I'm about to buy Why We Eat and i think that looks at diet and metabolism as being far more complex than just calorie deficits.

He used MFP most of last year when he lost weight, weighed and logged everything, was on about 1800 cals per day (he's 6'4") and some weeks lost nothing. Would love explanations for why.[/quote]
Without specific investigation I could not give you an exact reason, but in every case where there have been controlled trials into people who say they cannot lose weight regardless of what they eat, when in residential monitoring they either lose weight if sticking to the controlled diet, or eat more than they report eating of monitored.

There can be variations in base metabolic rate and with only calorie reduction and no exercise it will decline slightly, but even then you are only talking about a maximum of 5% variance.

The biggest factor is almost always poor estimates/measure of portion size, outside of specifically weighing every ingredient weight/volume is under-reported by 20-50%. Often the milk in tea and coffee is ignored or under-reported, especially as some people will drink more hot drinks to make up for lower food intake, many people ignore the fats used in cooking, those can add up. Finally there is alcohol, which many people either ignore or underestimate.

People also tend to overestimate the amount of calories they burn, activity trackers can bring that error rate down, but their accuracy rates are still +/- 10% and calculating calories from exercise is subject to other variables (total weight, muscle mass).

Nutrition and huger do play a large part, low carb diets tend to work well for many people not because of any magical trick, but because when removing carbs from the diet blood sugar tends to stabilise and vary little at any point, that removes one of the triggers of hunger (blood sugar levels falling lower than previously normal), there is in theory a tiny benefit to weight loss from ketosis, but it is not big enough to generate and substantial weight loss. Things like green vegetables to bulk out meals, as well as protein which takes longer to digest so leaves one feeling full for longer are also important, as is making sure one is properly hydrated, especially during weight loss.

From experience of friends and family I have always seen that men find it easier to lose weight through exercise rather than deep cuts to calorie intake. The biggest example is my brother, who is in his late thirties (and had not exercised since he was 14), last year, early in the lockdown he was just over 18 stone, he decided he did not want to be fat any more, so started exercising and with little else to do during lockdown the weight fell off him. By the end of last September he was 12st 0lbs and had a six pack, more than a year later he is still only 12st 6lbs and whilst not got the defined six pack he has a totally flat stomach. He was at one point eating 3,000 calories a day and still losing weight as he was exercising for 6-8 hours a day.

The issues with weight loss are rarely physical, they are almost always phycological and our own minds are our greatest assets, but they can also be somewhat of a liability.

MistySkiesAfterRain · 15/12/2021 15:08

I personally think you should eat your BMR (amount you need to sustain current weight) in calories, then burn more calories through exercise to lose weight.

Otherwise the body goes into 'ooh I will slow down my metabolism so I can sustain my weight mwah ha ha'. Bodies don't like losing weight, they want to sustain themselves.

If you do it through exercise (with a small post exercise snack) you burn some and speed up the metabolism for the next meal. Its also sustainable as the focus is never on cutting calories.

newtb · 15/12/2021 15:10

Is there any possibility that he's deficient in testostérone?

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