AIBU to struggle with husband weight gain

[loveisagirlnameddaisy]

First, I should state that this isn't straightforward.

DH has struggled with his weight all his life. He finds it exceedingly hard to lose weight and has put a lot of effort into finding out why. He's seen a dietitian privately and spent thousands on tests and consultations. A conventional approach to dieting doesn't work. He's tried IF, low cal, low carb, exercised etc etc

We think it's hormonal and a gastro endocrinologist said the same, but without spending more money we won't know for sure.

DH lost some weight last year but it was hard won and took ages. He showed remarkable willpower to lose the weight he did, but given his excess weight it was baffling that he couldn't lose more.

This year he's had a lot to deal with, and he's put most of the weight back on. He tends to carry the majority on his tummy which I just hate. He looks pregnant and I find it such a turn off. But at the same time, I feel like a complete cow because of the context of the situation. If he were blatantly overeating and just couldn't be arsed, I'd feel more justified. But he's not.

So. Am I being unreasonable to resent the way he looks? And how do I deal with the way I feel?

Thanks everyone who has taken the time to reply, I'm at work so not free to respond just yet, but I am reading and taking note.

You are not unreasonable to feel as you do - you can't help your feelings here!

My advice would be to be supportive without resigning yourself to your OH permanently having a lot of extra weight that they themselves are unhappy with.

I would really recommend getting a second opinion on the thyroid front: I know someone whose ability to control their weight was transformed when they started taking medication to adjust for impaired thyroid function. If this is something wrong that you can fix, it'll make a heck of a lot of difference, and you've already had a test indicating function at the low end of the range.

If your DH can face having another go at dieting I would recommend a slightly different tack to the one most people take: start off not dieting, but just weighting daily and tracking the moving average for a month. There are free websites that will work this stuff out for you, e.g. www.fourmilab.ch/cgi-bin/HackDiet/

This will show how much weight is going on/coming off. They can then define a diet in relation to that - 110 calories a day is about 1 pound a month. I suggest this because many people find it far easier approaching a diet as "adjust from my normal lifestyle" than "try to count every single calorie from scratch".

Good luck X

Im afraid it looks as if he can lose weight, it's just miserable and difficult; tbh it is for most people. He did lose weight with MFP which shows it can be done. I'd agree that MFP is much too generous with exercise calories and if you eat all the exercise calories as well, you're going to struggle. It also encourages you to enter tiny bits of exercise like 'walked 10 minutes' or whatever to get 'given' enough calories for a custard cream, but that isn't as real as it should be. I reckoned if I ate about 10% of the serious exercise calories I entered, I could still lose weight. I've stopped bothering even with that now. Having a big barrier like achilles tendon problems is a huge issue and tbh if he's carrying all that excess weight round his middle (just like me), he's going to have more health problems as time goes on.

So. Youre left with a man who is overweight, struggles with it and you're finding that unattractive. You're then feeling shit because it's not nice to fall out of love with someone because of looks and ageing. It does happen but it's not supposed to, is it? We're supposed to love our partners' soul more than their bodies.

I would try to look for ways to showcase the things you do love about him. If you love that he's sociable or intellectual or whatever, try to maximise time where those parts of him are to the fore and minimise the 'did you take the bins out' drudgery interactions that most of us end up doing. Maybe have a break, go on a holiday by yourself or something to give yourself a chance to miss him?

I think you have to accept this is how things may be, how he is. Over time you may come to accept it or you may find you can't live with it. I think you are very proactive and keen to get on with improving things but you may just have to wait.

@DeepaBeesKit

If he is very inactive even at 6ft 4 1800 calories a day could still be not much below his basal metabolic rate, and if so he would not lose much weight.

Maybe get him to try 1500 a day and see if he loses consistently.

I'm willing to bet he is missing some calories from drinks or cooking ingredients like oil, and underestimating calorie intake.

I'm 5ft7 and maintain on 1800.

@soberclover

I have a husband who is very overweight. He has always been overweight. The only time he lost weight was when he was under incredible stress. It was horrible..

He eats too much and exercises too little. He does exercise but at a low intensity.

Anyway I have made my peace with it now (we have been together a long time) because:

He dresses really well and his personal hygiene is spot on. I couldn't cope with sweaty/smelly man with nasty hair/beard, crusty skin etc (sorry for the image)

It is literally the only 'thing' that could be improved. He is kind, funny, brilliant in bed, hard worker, never lost his temper etc etc.

So I genuinely find him attractive even though 20 year old shallow me wouldn't date him.

This. I never would have been attracted to my Partner years ago, and initially I struggled with reconciling seeing myself with someone overweight having always dated buff guys.

But my attraction to him comes from his cheeky smile, his twinkle in his eyes, the way he makes me laugh and all the other things I adore about him which make him absolutely the perfect person for me.

If you've never been overweight struggling to lose weight is something people don't really get.

I've been fat, thin, and all manner of things in between. My DP, who is also overweight but carries the weight well as he has broad shoulders, big arms, thighs etc, prefers me about 2-3st above normal BMI, because he thinks I look better at that weight, and because it's easier to maintain.

To get to normal BMI, I end up doing 4-5 hard gym sessions a week and rarely eating more than 800 cals a day. It's tough, and the more times you go through the gain and lose cycle the harder it gets.

It's difficult because I understand where the OP is coming from and physical attraction is important, but like a PP said, there are other aspects to it - dressing as well as he can, looking clean and presentable etc. Someone who was doing all that and trying to lose weight even if not succeeding would still be attractive to me I think. I'd have to acknowledge they were doing their best. And the thing is our physical appearance can change as we age or through illness anyway, things we can't control.

@Emerald5hamrock

Would he consider surgery a gastric sleeve, drastic I know but if he has tried everything else.

My friend had it done 6 months ago she has lost 5 stone.

I understand how you feel about your DH's weight, my OH carries it mainly around the stomach, he looks pregnant with twins, it is unattractive and makes me feel like such a shallow cow thinking about him like that.

Sex is awkward, his portions are huge, instead of 3/4 small meals he eats 2 massive meals.

We also have a good friend who has done this. What interests me about bariatric surgery is that it claims to also 'reset' the metabolism/hormones that can be out of kilter after years of yo-yo dieting.

Definitely something we need to research further.

@PermanentTemporary

Im afraid it looks as if he can lose weight, it's just miserable and difficult; tbh it is for most people. He did lose weight with MFP which shows it can be done. I'd agree that MFP is much too generous with exercise calories and if you eat all the exercise calories as well, you're going to struggle. It also encourages you to enter tiny bits of exercise like 'walked 10 minutes' or whatever to get 'given' enough calories for a custard cream, but that isn't as real as it should be. I reckoned if I ate about 10% of the serious exercise calories I entered, I could still lose weight. I've stopped bothering even with that now. Having a big barrier like achilles tendon problems is a huge issue and tbh if he's carrying all that excess weight round his middle (just like me), he's going to have more health problems as time goes on.

So. Youre left with a man who is overweight, struggles with it and you're finding that unattractive. You're then feeling shit because it's not nice to fall out of love with someone because of looks and ageing. It does happen but it's not supposed to, is it? We're supposed to love our partners' soul more than their bodies.

I would try to look for ways to showcase the things you do love about him. If you love that he's sociable or intellectual or whatever, try to maximise time where those parts of him are to the fore and minimise the 'did you take the bins out' drudgery interactions that most of us end up doing. Maybe have a break, go on a holiday by yourself or something to give yourself a chance to miss him?

I think you have to accept this is how things may be, how he is. Over time you may come to accept it or you may find you can't live with it. I think you are very proactive and keen to get on with improving things but you may just have to wait.

That's good advice, to showcase the things I do love about him. I can honestly say that apart from a few, very normal niggles, there's nothing that would make me fall out of love with him.

Your point about missing him is quite relevant - both at home together all the time at the moment so maybe that's part of the issue?

@newtb

Is there any possibility that he's deficient in testostérone?

He saw a dietician privately who ran loads of blood tests, I would have to ask him about testosterone specifically, but apart from mildly low thyroid, nothing stood out.

@Arkestra

You are not unreasonable to feel as you do - you can't help your feelings here!

My advice would be to be supportive without resigning yourself to your OH permanently having a lot of extra weight that they themselves are unhappy with.

I would really recommend getting a second opinion on the thyroid front: I know someone whose ability to control their weight was transformed when they started taking medication to adjust for impaired thyroid function. If this is something wrong that you can fix, it'll make a heck of a lot of difference, and you've already had a test indicating function at the low end of the range.

If your DH can face having another go at dieting I would recommend a slightly different tack to the one most people take: start off not dieting, but just weighting daily and tracking the moving average for a month. There are free websites that will work this stuff out for you, e.g. www.fourmilab.ch/cgi-bin/HackDiet/

This will show how much weight is going on/coming off. They can then define a diet in relation to that - 110 calories a day is about 1 pound a month. I suggest this because many people find it far easier approaching a diet as "adjust from my normal lifestyle" than "try to count every single calorie from scratch".

Good luck X

Thank you so much, that's definitely the place I need to be in - supportive but not resigning myself to this being the permanent status quo. Luckily, we communicate well, he's a very calm personality and doesn't fly off the handle when I broach the subject. Will look at the website you suggest.

As you look ahead focus on what matters. Qualities trump bodies - especially as we age. I look round friends now and we have some who have lost breasts, some waiting for replacement surgeries and limping through, a few are dead already. It rather focuses the mind on what matters. My partner is very ill and unable to work. I really could do with a dancing handsome fuck buddy but like Tim Michin once said - he would give anything to have an affair - apart from his relationship (prob just ran off with the secretary or similar) but it strikes me he is right. There may be other things we would like too but focusing on on the really important things does help. Invest emotionally and practically - what does he look best in? What do you enjoy most together - keep your focus there where you can.

Your husband is a secret eater and has a eating disorder

I really feel for you both as it sounds like a tough situation 💐

I tried mfp and unfortunately it done nothing for me for some reason. I found out about a fantastic app called Nutracheck on her and it really worked for me. Sadly I have fallen off the wagon as the dark nights came in 😳 will get back to it in the New Year.

Also if I eat bread and wine for some reason they totally stop me from losing anything and my whole body completely swells up all over and makes me look pregnant. Another thing to maybe consider is how long did your dh diet for? For some reason I plod along not losing or losing really slowly then a good few months in it's like my body dumps all the weight at once and it drops off.

Could your dh have a yest imbalance that's bloating up his stomach? Is he drinking enough water to keep his bowls moving?

Walking is fantastic for slimming bums, tums.

Sorry if these suggestions aren't any use to you. Just trying to think what it could be. Hopefully something will click and your dh will get rid off the excess weight.

@workshy44

Every overweight person I know says they don't eat much. The reality is that in 99.9% of cases they do A friend said she ate nothing couldn't understand why she was so bug, ate as much as us etc etc and got a gastric band and lost 10 stone in a year. If she was eating nothing to begin with she would have lost v little Often if you are a picker you can rack up the calories without even realizing, having a dinner before dinner with all the tasting while cooking. I would recommend writing down every single thing he puts into his mouth, I would wager it will be enlightening

He's genuinely not a snacker or a picker. I am, but lose weight very easily. Go figure!

I truly believe nutrition is woefully misunderstood and the calories in-calories out argument is commonly held to be gospel despite not being how the body actually works. Gastric band surgery not only reduces the size of the stomach, but also 'resets' the body/metabolism/hormones. That's what bariatric surgeons say.

@StarryNightSparkles

I really feel for you both as it sounds like a tough situation 💐

I tried mfp and unfortunately it done nothing for me for some reason. I found out about a fantastic app called Nutracheck on her and it really worked for me. Sadly I have fallen off the wagon as the dark nights came in 😳 will get back to it in the New Year.

Also if I eat bread and wine for some reason they totally stop me from losing anything and my whole body completely swells up all over and makes me look pregnant. Another thing to maybe consider is how long did your dh diet for? For some reason I plod along not losing or losing really slowly then a good few months in it's like my body dumps all the weight at once and it drops off.

Could your dh have a yest imbalance that's bloating up his stomach? Is he drinking enough water to keep his bowls moving?

Walking is fantastic for slimming bums, tums.

Sorry if these suggestions aren't any use to you. Just trying to think what it could be. Hopefully something will click and your dh will get rid off the excess weight.

Thank you, appreciate all the kind messages on here. Yeast imbalance - sounds like something that could be at play, will need to look into that. He definitely doesn't drink enough water but that's another argument for another day! I'm always going on at him about it.

And walking is great, he was doing loads of that last year until his Achilles problem started to really flare up which sadly has put paid to that.

I've had a gastric band - have just started a thread on AMA. I think a sleeve is the preferred option now?

@soberclover

I have a husband who is very overweight. He has always been overweight. The only time he lost weight was when he was under incredible stress. It was horrible..

He eats too much and exercises too little. He does exercise but at a low intensity.

Anyway I have made my peace with it now (we have been together a long time) because:

He dresses really well and his personal hygiene is spot on. I couldn't cope with sweaty/smelly man with nasty hair/beard, crusty skin etc (sorry for the image)

It is literally the only 'thing' that could be improved. He is kind, funny, brilliant in bed, hard worker, never lost his temper etc etc.

So I genuinely find him attractive even though 20 year old shallow me wouldn't date him.

This post really made me stop and pause. You sound like you're married to my husband. My DH also dresses well, is scrupulous about his hygiene and has so many redeeming qualities that I feel vaguely uncomfortable about even having started this thread!

Yes, shallow me wouldn't date him but I've always said he's a keeper. Thanks for the perspective.

Sorry OP it sounds like you’re making excuses for your husband and enabling him (possibly due to the guilt about how you feel). Gastric bands work because they massively reduce the capacity of your stomach, strictly limiting the amount of food/calories you can consume. They don’t reset your hormones. The doctor whose blamed this on a vague “hormone problem” hasn’t helped-has he given him a specific name for the condition he thinks he has?
@MatildaIThink made a very insightful and helpful post.

@GastricBland

I've had a gastric band - have just started a thread on AMA. I think a sleeve is the preferred option now?

Thanks, will take a look

@AutumnLeaves21

Sorry OP it sounds like you’re making excuses for your husband and enabling him (possibly due to the guilt about how you feel). Gastric bands work because they massively reduce the capacity of your stomach, strictly limiting the amount of food/calories you can consume. They don’t reset your hormones. The doctor whose blamed this on a vague “hormone problem” hasn’t helped-has he given him a specific name for the condition he thinks he has? *@MatildaIThink* made a very insightful and helpful post.

They do affect your hormones, this is fairly common knowledge.

www.hormone.org/diseases-and-conditions/bariatric-surgery

Have you thought about getting him a course of probiotics and then giving him a daily prebiotic. I remember watching a programme about twins who ate basically the same but one was overweight and the other the usual weight. It came down to one having healthy gut bacteria and the other having hardly any. There was also a little boy who was grossly overweight and tests showed he had hardly any good bacteria in his gut. With the right treatment his weight stabilised then he starting losing weight steadily.

They work overwhelmingly because you can only eat tiny portions of food. Of course that will affect your hormones to a degree, but you know that if you’re only eating 500 kcal a day you’ll lose weight.

@VitalsStable

Have you thought about getting him a course of probiotics and then giving him a daily prebiotic. I remember watching a programme about twins who ate basically the same but one was overweight and the other the usual weight. It came down to one having healthy gut bacteria and the other having hardly any. There was also a little boy who was grossly overweight and tests showed he had hardly any good bacteria in his gut. With the right treatment his weight stabilised then he starting losing weight steadily.

Gut bacteria is another area I'd like to know more about and which I think we're only just starting to discover. He saw a dietician who prescribed loads of supplements, I don't know if the intent was to treat gut bacteria but they didn't work!

@loveisagirlnameddaisy

I guess what I'm looking for from this thread is not whether he's secret eating or not, because I don't believe he is/was, but how I can support him and how I manage my feelings of not liking the weight gain. I love him to bits, he's truly my soulmate, but I want to look at him and feel how I used to. And if I can't, what should I tell myself to manage those emotions?

I've recently started reading a bit about intuitive eating and the key thing I've taken from it is that in general-for most people- weight loss is not sustainable. That may not be what you want to hear but from my personal experience, from the experience of a lot of people i know and it seems also from the science- weight loss is not sustained in about 90% of people.

@AutumnLeaves21

They work overwhelmingly because you can only eat tiny portions of food. Of course that will affect your hormones to a degree, but you know that if you’re only eating 500 kcal a day you’ll lose weight.

I'm not a specialist so am not in a position to dispute what you say. And it may be that if my DH were put in a controlled environment, he would magically lose weight.

There are many posts here saying he's a secret eater and when I say 'no, he's not' I'm sure a few people are rolling their eyes. But I live with him and can only say what I see and believe. He is desperate to lose weight and has spent money trying to work out why he can't.