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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For refusing to straighten DSDs hair?

132 replies

FluffyBastard · 14/12/2021 17:17

DSD is 12 and has frizzy curly hair (made worse by the fact that her dad let her get it chemically straightened last year, now it’s just a massive frizzy mess). She’s really self conscious about it so at weekend I sat with her and straightened it for her. It took fucking ages, well over an hour. I talked her through it and showed her how to do it etc - got her to do bits of it herself so she could show me she understood how to do it. She loved the finished result and immediately ran off to do TikTok. Her dad loved it too so I proudly told him I’d shown her how to do it so she can have it like that all the time but had explained it will take ages everytime she does it.

So yesterday, busy day. We went to a Christmas thing on the evening, didn’t get back until almost 8pm. Nobody had eaten so I put dinner on as soon as we walked through the door. I then had to walk the dog and then go and get a shower. Sat down to eat finally and made a comment similar to “god can’t believe it’s getting on for 10pm!” To which DP said “I know! And you have DSDs hair to do yet!” … errr sorry!? Apparently she’d gone to wash it and was awaiting my arrival upstairs. I said “no, sorry - I’m not doing that tonight! It takes over an hour, it’s nearly 10pm, I’ve just sat down to eat and I’m at work in morning! I’m watching The Cockfields and then going to bed!”

Well it all kicked off, he shouted that I was selfish and uncaring, DSD shouted that I was being so unfair and selfish - started crying that she couldn’t possibly go back to school with frizzy hair again … I said she should have asked me first before washing it!!

I also explained that the first incident was a one off to show her how to do it - I told them this at the time! DP insisted that I had said I’d do it for her everytime and would now be expected to live up to that promise! Absolute bullshit, I never agreed to do all the time, I said I’d show her how to do it!! I barely have time to look after my own hair with sitting fit hours doing hers too! WIBU?

OP posts:
luverlybubberly · 15/12/2021 14:42

He should do it. There's a million YouTube videos that demonstrate how to do this if dsd can't do it herself. (Did she even try ?)

I have TikTok and I've seen loads of videos about making curly hair beautiful. They all look like they'd take less than an hour

GrandmasCat · 15/12/2021 14:43

@scottishnames

I'm afraid I disagree. It's not a compliment at that age. It's a sign of wanting to conform; to not to want to appear different. It's very, very much not a compliment.

Look, would any of those advocating chemically straightened hair for a young teenager be happy to encourage them to whiten or otherwise change their faces?
Well, if you would, then the exit door is that way ...Even if societal / Mumsnet pressures say otherwise.

That would be like telling white people to keep their dark hair when they enjoy having it blonde. The someway misses the point that everyone has the right to build the persona they want to be as they wish.

I am proud of my mixed race heritage but would be offended if people assumed they shouldn’t compliment me on a hair style I like because it doesn’t match the expectations for my race or suggesting that I should be embracing a frizzy hair I find more difficult to control because that’s who I am.

It is everyone’s right to look as they wish (but not demanding other people to become daily stylists as this step daughter is expecting.

Hankunamatata · 15/12/2021 14:45

Well obviously something was lost in translation when you told dsd she could have hair like that all the time. If dsd lives with you both full time then I'd suggest to dp that its straightened on a sunday night, teaching him how to do it. If starts looking greasy she braids it come Thursday or Friday

georgarina · 15/12/2021 14:48

YANBU

And it's not DSD's fault. Totally DP's fault for promising your time.

He needs to learn to straighten hair if he sees it's important to her.

luverlybubberly · 15/12/2021 14:51

Yanbu by the way.
Even if you'd said that you would play hairdresser, it's very revealing that they didn't put dinner on etc considering that you didn't get home from work until 8pm

boogiewithasuitcase · 15/12/2021 14:52

@luverlybubberly

Yanbu by the way. Even if you'd said that you would play hairdresser, it's very revealing that they didn't put dinner on etc considering that you didn't get home from work until 8pm

Or walk the dog

HerbErtlinger · 15/12/2021 14:53

Absolutely he should do it, why can't he? My DD loves having her hair plaited when wet to have curly hair. If I'm at work, my DP, her stepdad will do it and more often than not, do a better job than I do!

georgarina · 15/12/2021 15:06

@GrandmasCat completely agree. I also have massive frizzy hair naturally and I straighten it, and I get all kinds of comments about leaving it natural as if because it's natural I have to leave it that way?

I also have hair on my legs, am I not allowed to change that?

People are allowed to look how they want, and that doesn't always mean leaving everything natural.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/12/2021 15:32

"DP insisted that I had said I’d do it for her everytime and would now be expected to live up to that promise!"

And that's the crux of the matter, in my opinion. Your DP is lying to your face, trying to make you disbelieve your own memory.

DSDs hair is unimportant. Her preferences for how she likes her hair to look is unimportant. What is important is that he is insisting you said something that you didn't. Fuck. That. Shit. He'd be on the sofa or I'd be out of the door until he stopped lying to me. This would be an absolute dealbreaker for me, that he would knowing lie to me in an attempt to manipulate me. If he got his way just once with this technique, he'd use it again. And again. Nope - dealbreaker. (And no, a grovelling apology would not be enough either.)

BridStar · 15/12/2021 15:41

Sounds like all he wants is a free nanny for his kid.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/12/2021 16:27

@BridStar

Sounds like all he wants is a free nanny for his kid.
Nanny. Hairdresser. Dogwalker. Cook. ...
WhatToDo1988 · 15/12/2021 17:23

Wtf am I reading? How does a 12 year old not know how to straighten her hair, I was doing 20 years ago when YouTube wasn't even a thing. And your DP is a sexist pig. Tell them all to fuck off.

There is NO WAY my mother would have spent an hour doing my hair. Never.

FirewomanSam · 15/12/2021 17:34

All the people giving curly haircare advice to the OP are spectacularly missing the point, aren’t they?

scottishnames · 15/12/2021 18:14

GrandmasCat I am very sorry if I gave offence. That was not my intention. I was coming at this topic from the opposite side, as it were. I had no intention of telling a young girl what she could or could not do - I was just a bit worried that, for someone at a very young age, certain media stereotypes might be overwhelmingly powerful.

I was also writing as some who - within the past few years - went to a new hairdresser and was asked - as if it were the absolute norm - 'how did I want my hair straightened?' I was not pleased. Why should I fit in to someone else's artificial stereotype if I prefer natural? (Just as you prefer your own style....) But I am an adult. So are you. The child in question is still young....

georgarina I absolutely agree with you. That was rather the point I was making. Again, I have no wish in the world to cause anyone any offence. But I was also wondering whether a 12 year old child had the ability to withstand very powerful Instagram etc pressures to have straight hair, and to make a genuinely informed decision.

Perhaps she has.It will obviously depend on the individual child. And - as others have said - the OP has much bigger problems, with her daughter's father.

NMC2022 · 15/12/2021 23:25

@scottishnames I get you
All my life I've heard
Brush it (yeah because that works!!)
Tie it back
It's messy/untidy
Unprofessional
Do you not want to straighten it?
Frizzy
Cut it short and it's "easier to deal with"

Hairdressers that can't deal with it, don't have a diffuser, don't use enough product, cut it wrong, forget curls spring up...

It's like.. it's the wrong hair but it's not Confused

RedHelenB · 16/12/2021 07:27

I've always been asked if I want it straightened or left curly at the hairdressers.

Squeezita · 16/12/2021 08:10

Why are you with someone who is gaslighting you?

Dump him before you have kids with him.

ChaToilLeam · 16/12/2021 08:33

I do feel for the kid, as someone with disobedient hair that nobody helped me deal with.

The main issue however is that your arsehole DP thinks it is absolutely reasonable to promise huge chunks of your personal time away and have you cater to their every whim. HE needs straightening out on this point!

sparkledust11 · 16/12/2021 08:38

The DP issue aside, she’s at an age where she’ll want to conform or experiment with her look, and if her hair is already unhealthy, she doesn’t have many options without waiting for it all to grow out. I’d buy her a revlon dryer brush (the paddle brush may be easier for her) to dry it with that, and get her an inexpensive pair of wide straighteners to finish off the hair when it’s been straightened a bit by the dryer brush. Lots of brands do both, and if she’s really undexterous, I’d tell her parents to buy her the ghd straightener brush- it’s basically designed for hair like this. Essentially, she should start with a brush type thing and then finish it off with straighteners. It’s damaging, but not as damaging as a Brazilian blow dry and it’s cheaper in the long run too. You should get DP to buy all three for her for Christmas so she can experiment before she goes back to school.

As for the DP issue, I can’t advise, but I hope you come to a resolution you’re happy with 💕

LongBlobson · 16/12/2021 09:08

YANBU OP.

I have a DD the same age, she's not into fashion/hair/social media at all, but even without those influences, it is a really sensitive age isn't it - for feeling self-conscious, for hormones raging, for peer pressure increasing, for social stuff being more complicated...

Agree your DP was out of order and should learn to straighten her hair!

I might have done the late night straightening as a one off and then set some firm boundaries going forward. But I wouldn't expect to be spoken to like that.

I have frizzy hair - I'm white, it's not curly hair, it's at best wavy. It is just prone to looking very scruffy, especially if there's any humidity! If I quickly run straighteners over it that kills the worst of the frizz. If I put a bobble hat on in the winter while it's still slight damp, then it dries nicely too. Bit random. Everyone figures out what works best for their hair - many of us have naturally badly behaved hair! It's sad that she's so self-conscious about it.

boogiewithasuitcase · 16/12/2021 09:57

Lots of good advice for the OP here. I hope she will return to the thread.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 16/12/2021 09:59

She can't because she is too busy doing dsd's hair..
Or hopefully getting ready to Ltb.

jupite · 16/12/2021 10:01

Has anyone taught her how to look after it properly?

If she's interested in treatments then I'd recommend the keratin revolution treatment. It's formaldehyde free and does no damage, it actually has improved the length and condition of my hair so much.

Reduces drying/styling time by 70% so would be so much easier for her to straighten herself but the option of having it curly (but not frizzy) still reminds too.

Offmyfence · 16/12/2021 10:02

@Insertfunnyname

You don’t need a vagina to straighten hair. Her dad can sit and do it. Problem solved. He can even watch a few YouTube videos first if he wants tips.
Do you need a vagina to walk the dog and make dinner?
GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 16/12/2021 10:04

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

Anyone who’s tried the curly girl method knows it is way more faff and time than straightening hair.

It is usually evening by the time washed hair has dried enough to ‘scrunch out the effing crunch’.

Agree with the first poster - Dad does it.

It really isn't, I've been doing it for years, and you don't have to air dry your hair, you can diffuse it. There are loads of YouTube videos showing different drying techniques.

But the SD's hair is not the OP's problem - her DH's attitude is.