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AIBU?

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Original poster

For refusing to straighten DSDs hair?

132 replies

FluffyBastard · 14/12/2021 17:17

DSD is 12 and has frizzy curly hair (made worse by the fact that her dad let her get it chemically straightened last year, now it’s just a massive frizzy mess). She’s really self conscious about it so at weekend I sat with her and straightened it for her. It took fucking ages, well over an hour. I talked her through it and showed her how to do it etc - got her to do bits of it herself so she could show me she understood how to do it. She loved the finished result and immediately ran off to do TikTok. Her dad loved it too so I proudly told him I’d shown her how to do it so she can have it like that all the time but had explained it will take ages everytime she does it.

So yesterday, busy day. We went to a Christmas thing on the evening, didn’t get back until almost 8pm. Nobody had eaten so I put dinner on as soon as we walked through the door. I then had to walk the dog and then go and get a shower. Sat down to eat finally and made a comment similar to “god can’t believe it’s getting on for 10pm!” To which DP said “I know! And you have DSDs hair to do yet!” … errr sorry!? Apparently she’d gone to wash it and was awaiting my arrival upstairs. I said “no, sorry - I’m not doing that tonight! It takes over an hour, it’s nearly 10pm, I’ve just sat down to eat and I’m at work in morning! I’m watching The Cockfields and then going to bed!”

Well it all kicked off, he shouted that I was selfish and uncaring, DSD shouted that I was being so unfair and selfish - started crying that she couldn’t possibly go back to school with frizzy hair again … I said she should have asked me first before washing it!!

I also explained that the first incident was a one off to show her how to do it - I told them this at the time! DP insisted that I had said I’d do it for her everytime and would now be expected to live up to that promise! Absolute bullshit, I never agreed to do all the time, I said I’d show her how to do it!! I barely have time to look after my own hair with sitting fit hours doing hers too! WIBU?

OP posts:
thesockfromtheroof · 14/12/2021 18:36

Send your DP some video links and let him know where the straighteners are

RavingAnnie · 14/12/2021 18:37

Wtf is your DP so invested in what your daughters hair looks like. Very odd.

And if yes that bothered he can spend hours straightening it.

thewhatsit · 14/12/2021 18:42

Yes of course he could do it.

Bigger issue is him kicking off over this.

scottishnames · 14/12/2021 18:42

MincePies I completely agree with you. It's horrendous. It's saying to a child that 'there's something wrong with you' when of course there is not.
And why, for heaven's sake, are posters behaving as if chemically or heat-taking hair for a child or young person is normal. Of course it's not. It's deeply deeply disrespectful to the person with the hair and - I am sorry - but in terms of many peoples' aesthetics - very naff also.

Seafog · 14/12/2021 18:43

I think they both owe you an apology, and her dad can help her with her hair from now on, if it is that important to him.

Pedalpushers · 14/12/2021 18:44

Me and my friends were all straightening our hair from year 7 onwards without anyone ever showing us how to do it and the Internet wasn't even that much of a thing Confused I really don't think a 12 year old needs it doing for her every time.

It sounds like her hair is damaged from the chemical straightening which is a shame. I'd encourage him to take her to a hairdresser to assess the damage and see if they can do anything to help.

Datsandcogs · 14/12/2021 18:55

It’s a complement that she wants you to do it again BUT they are being extremely unreasonable to expect it to be done regularly or at that time of night.

Your DP should have asked. Your DP a should have done some of the other evening chores to free up your time. No one should expect you to do it or to start at that time of night.

I would suggest you agree a time when all 3 of you are free for you to do it again and for them both to learn how to do it, making it clear that you won’t be doing it regularly after that.

LuaDipa · 14/12/2021 19:05

@Cocomarine

I have a 12yo, and I’d forgive her rudeness in the moment of stress that she’s been showing off wonderful hair and now is going to school with “bad” hair again. I’d expect an apology when calm, but I’d understand the upset.

Her father through?! Does he often shout at you and gaslight your over what you’ve said?

This.

I feel for dsd, but your dp has no excuse.

scottishnames · 14/12/2021 19:11

I'm afraid I disagree.
It's not a compliment at that age. It's a sign of wanting to conform; to not to want to appear different.
It's very, very much not a compliment.

Look, would any of those advocating chemically straightened hair for a young teenager be happy to encourage them to whiten or otherwise change their faces?
Well, if you would, then the exit door is that way ...Even if societal / Mumsnet pressures say otherwise.

Thinking2041 · 14/12/2021 19:12

‘ You don’t need a vagina to straighten haIr’

Ha ha ha

When I was teen there was an obsession with straight hair. Sadly everyone wanted to conform.

If she is going to be doing this for a while then perhaps look into Hair Botox treatment. I’m not sure on the cost. But apparently helps condition of hair too?!

BumCatSmile · 14/12/2021 19:14

Tell DH to get her some relatively safe straighteners.

We all had crimpers and crappy straighteners at her age in the 90s. Maybe there are some less powerful ones about.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 14/12/2021 19:19

I have a strong sense, by the way the OP has described her ‘D’P talking to her, that this is just a thread to vent. And that she has zero intention of standing up to him or telling him how disrespectful he’s been.

Cryalot2 · 14/12/2021 19:33

Op they have treated you appallingly. Flowers.

What way did it end?

I love the comment that you don't need a vagina to straighten hair. It's true. They could have did it in front of the tv.

Plaits are a good option.
Never use hairdryer
Get good shampoo and condition specially for that type of hair.

Hope both apologise to you.

strivingtosucceed · 14/12/2021 20:18

You've not mentioned race, but is DSD black? There are lots of black and curly hair influencers on youtube that can help manage her hair. Some other things she can try are using sulfate free shampoos and washing her hair less. You can also look into a decent hair dryer that should reduce frizz and dr her hair quicker for straightening.

Also hair shouldn't be straightened every day, ideally the curlier her hair is, the more time she should wait in between and she should seek to maintain her straight her in between washing.

Iggly · 14/12/2021 20:20

Easy to sit there and be all high and mighty about your hair if you’re not that kid with hair that no one has taken the time to help you manage. Poor kid.

I would have offered to do it in the morning tbh. The dad won’t have a clue. Then work out a plan for dealing with long term.

DartmoorChef · 14/12/2021 20:22

I have frizzy wild hair. The easiest way to deal with it when I don't have much time is to put it in one plait after washing it. Next morning it will be gentle curls.

Howshouldibehave · 14/12/2021 20:25

Whilst you were cooking dinner, having a shower and walking the dog, before you were being expected to spend an hour playing hairdresser, what exactly was your DP doing?!

steppemum · 14/12/2021 20:32

my neices are mixed race and the quick and easy solution with wet hair was often a french plait.

junebirthdaygirl · 14/12/2021 20:36

@PinkyU

I think it’s unreasonable to think you can show a 12 year old how to use 200c hair straighteners once and expect that she can do A) safely and B) successfully.
I feel a bit sorry for her. At 12 appearance is everything and feeling awful going into school with messy hair can seem like the worse thing in the world. It's was a great way of building a bond with her and there is no way she would know how to do it with one lesson.
Ozanj · 14/12/2021 20:48

Is she black / mixed race? It sounds like she is from your OP. If so at this age I would expect her to need help with styling and conditioning her hair. But it seems all her Dad’s doing is ruining it. She needs to find other hair role models - maybe help her find some on tiktok and get her some products?

IceandIndigo · 14/12/2021 21:20

I have wavy frizzy hair and still remember the mean comments I used to get at school. I started straightening it as a teenager and it wasn’t until I was in my thirties that I learned to embrace it and care for it properly. The key things that transformed my hair were to stop using heat, don’t touch it when it’s drying and never ever brush it when dry. All those things cause major frizz for me. Try to avoid silicone products too. Which is all a round about way of saying, please try to encourage your DSD to embrace her natural hair rather than feel she has to straighten it at such a young age.

JustWonderingIfYou · 14/12/2021 21:39

@PinkyU

I think it’s unreasonable to think you can show a 12 year old how to use 200c hair straighteners once and expect that she can do A) safely and B) successfully.
The dsd is lucky she had someone to show her! Every girl in my class used to GHD the fuck out of their hair on a daily basis from year 7.

No one showed me.

BumCatSmile · 15/12/2021 14:29

How did it resolve @FluffyBastard ?

Rexthesnail · 15/12/2021 14:32

@Insertfunnyname

You don’t need a vagina to straighten hair. Her dad can sit and do it. Problem solved. He can even watch a few YouTube videos first if he wants tips.
Best comment ever
DixieSun · 15/12/2021 14:33

Let him do it.