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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For refusing to straighten DSDs hair?

132 replies

FluffyBastard · 14/12/2021 17:17

DSD is 12 and has frizzy curly hair (made worse by the fact that her dad let her get it chemically straightened last year, now it’s just a massive frizzy mess). She’s really self conscious about it so at weekend I sat with her and straightened it for her. It took fucking ages, well over an hour. I talked her through it and showed her how to do it etc - got her to do bits of it herself so she could show me she understood how to do it. She loved the finished result and immediately ran off to do TikTok. Her dad loved it too so I proudly told him I’d shown her how to do it so she can have it like that all the time but had explained it will take ages everytime she does it.

So yesterday, busy day. We went to a Christmas thing on the evening, didn’t get back until almost 8pm. Nobody had eaten so I put dinner on as soon as we walked through the door. I then had to walk the dog and then go and get a shower. Sat down to eat finally and made a comment similar to “god can’t believe it’s getting on for 10pm!” To which DP said “I know! And you have DSDs hair to do yet!” … errr sorry!? Apparently she’d gone to wash it and was awaiting my arrival upstairs. I said “no, sorry - I’m not doing that tonight! It takes over an hour, it’s nearly 10pm, I’ve just sat down to eat and I’m at work in morning! I’m watching The Cockfields and then going to bed!”

Well it all kicked off, he shouted that I was selfish and uncaring, DSD shouted that I was being so unfair and selfish - started crying that she couldn’t possibly go back to school with frizzy hair again … I said she should have asked me first before washing it!!

I also explained that the first incident was a one off to show her how to do it - I told them this at the time! DP insisted that I had said I’d do it for her everytime and would now be expected to live up to that promise! Absolute bullshit, I never agreed to do all the time, I said I’d show her how to do it!! I barely have time to look after my own hair with sitting fit hours doing hers too! WIBU?

OP posts:
Stepmonstera · 14/12/2021 17:36

First off, they didn't even bloody ask you, and secondly what was wrong with him walking the dog and doing dinner so you could have done her hair? Why do you have to do everything?

Cheeseandlobster · 14/12/2021 17:36

What the fuck? Angry for you. Don't cave whatever you do

Iwonder08 · 14/12/2021 17:37

He is her father and he has access to the same Google to look up curly girl or straightening methods. Not your daughter, not your job.

CharlotteGoldenblattYork · 14/12/2021 17:38

This reply has been deleted

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FourTeaFallOut · 14/12/2021 17:40

Teach your dp how to do it.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 14/12/2021 17:43

@Insertfunnyname

You don’t need a vagina to straighten hair. Her dad can sit and do it. Problem solved. He can even watch a few YouTube videos first if he wants tips.
This 1000 times
hotmeatymilk · 14/12/2021 17:46

It’s seems like her curls aren’t taken care of. Have you tried the curly girl method?
Do you mean has the DP or DSD tried the curly girl method? Because it’s not OP’s responsibility. Or hair.

Novasmummy · 14/12/2021 17:47

Frizzy hair is usually curly hair that is 'thirsty' straightening it for an hour will be drying it and damaging it even more (so it will get more and more frizzy). Hair straighteners should be used for minutes only as a finishing tool, for that smooth straight look using a heat protection spray, then drying on a medium heat with a round brush or flat brush in sections. If it's not quite as straight as she wants, then going over it with the straighteners quickly, then finished with a hair oil or finishing creme to make it really glossy. Should only take 45 mins, as you can take bigger sections blowdrying and it is a more reliable way of drying the hair, so you don't end up with sections which aren't quite dry which need going over and over. If you don't want to do that for her, it can be quite tricky to blow dry with a brush so she can use a heated brush styler there are some I think called big hair or something by Babyliss.

BookFiend4Life · 14/12/2021 17:47

Do the curly girl method at night after washing and it should be dry by morning

AffIt · 14/12/2021 17:47

As others have said, you have a DP problem.

I have what I refer to as 'not so much a hairstyle as a long and protracted discussion' hair (I'm white, but also the only person in my family to have very curly hair - Type 3a/b) and it took me years to learn how to look after and style my hair, particularly wearing it in its natural texture.

Even so, anybody in my family was co-opted to deal with it, especially when I was younger and my hair was waist-length - they learned, it wasn't difficult, just (very, VERY) time-consuming.

I'd tell her father to pay for a session at a good hairdresser, where they will show her how to care for her hair type, whether she wants to wear it straightened on natural.

It's not your job (especially not at 10pm - I know, from bitter experience, how long it can take!).

DeepaBeesKit · 14/12/2021 17:48

If she's chemically straightened it its probably damaged it, and carrying on straightening it will make that worse.

Can you try and encourage her to do less to it, not more?

Eg. Sulphate free shampoo, just wash it 2-3 times a week at most.
Silicon free conditioner
No hair dryer
No straighteners
No products

The best looking hair is healthy natural hair. You and her dad should focus on helping her love the hair she has.

NandorTheRelentless · 14/12/2021 17:48

@Insertfunnyname

You don’t need a vagina to straighten hair. Her dad can sit and do it. Problem solved. He can even watch a few YouTube videos first if he wants tips.
Yup - thats it in a nutshell!!
DeepaBeesKit · 14/12/2021 17:49

Also yanbu it's her dad's problem to deal with.

Eddielzzard · 14/12/2021 17:50

@Insertfunnyname

You don’t need a vagina to straighten hair. Her dad can sit and do it. Problem solved. He can even watch a few YouTube videos first if he wants tips.
Yes. This absolutely.
Cocomarine · 14/12/2021 17:50

I have a 12yo, and I’d forgive her rudeness in the moment of stress that she’s been showing off wonderful hair and now is going to school with “bad” hair again. I’d expect an apology when calm, but I’d understand the upset.

Her father through?! Does he often shout at you and gaslight your over what you’ve said?

doadeer · 14/12/2021 17:50

You shouldn't have to constsntly straighten her hair when she can do herself or her dad can.

But please don't keep calling it frizzy. That's an awful description.

What is her curl type?

Triffid1 · 14/12/2021 17:50

@ThatCampWitch

YANBU not to want to do this, but, and perhaps this is just me, as someone with very curly hair, I’m not entirely comfortable about the repeated use of the word ‘frizzy.’ Frizzy is really quite insulting, and I’m sure it’s not the case in your particular situation, for me, and many others, words like ‘frizzy’ and ‘kinky’ are seen as a bordering on a race issue. Just one angle. Apologies if you think I’m waaaaay off the mark here, and on reflection, I think I probably am, and I’m no doubt projecting massively, but if you can, ask her dad to try not to encourage the message that straight hair is the right hair.
This is interesting. DD has gorgeous curly hair. It is also, at times, frizzy (which is less gorgeous to be quite honest).

OP - I straighten DD's hair for her (she's 6) but only now and again because a) it's a huge effort and takes hours and b) I don't want her to think straight her needs to be the default. I do it because she likes being able to brush it for school but we're also working on helping her to look after her curls when it's curly (it's just easier for her to look after the straight, at this time).

DD is only 6 but would never dream of assuming I'm going to spend hours. It's a planned activity, usually booked a few days in advance because we both know it's a huge effort and takes lots of time.

So I think it's not unreasonable for DSD to possibly ask for help. It's totally unreasonable that you should just drop everything to do this at short notice without her even having the courtesy to ask.

Novasmummy · 14/12/2021 17:51

Of course learning to treat her curly hair as curly hair would be much better for every day. But I'm guessing this is just a weekend occasional thing not an every day occurrence?

Dad should be doing it though 🧐

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 14/12/2021 17:51

That’s ridiculous! My DSD has waist length hair and is only six so obviously needs help to wash and dry it etc. We take turns to do bath time and when it’s DHs turn he washes, conditions, puts on heat protection spray and dries it straight! 100% agree with not needing a vagina to do hair! Get him told that if it means that much to him he can do it at 10pm!

User135792468 · 14/12/2021 17:53

He’s a knob. Yanbu… not your job.

Therealjudgejudy · 14/12/2021 17:56

Your 'D'P is a disrespectful prick.

Its not surprising that your dsd reacted like that...she has be shown by her father that its OK to talk to you like dirt.

Loudestcat14 · 14/12/2021 17:58

@Insertfunnyname

You don’t need a vagina to straighten hair. Her dad can sit and do it. Problem solved. He can even watch a few YouTube videos first if he wants tips.
This. ^^^
CharlotteRose90 · 14/12/2021 17:58

Her dad needs to do it for her. Cheeky twat he is. Also at her age she shouldn’t be straightening her hair so much it will completely wreck her hair. She needs to be looking after her curls the proper way.

Ariann · 14/12/2021 18:00

Chemically straightened hair at 12 years old? WTAF. Such vanity.
If she wants to straighten her hair she can easily do it herself - you can get heat protective gloves for the purpose.
You must really love that man to put up with this absolute BS from his flouncing, vain daughter- what a waste of your time and life!

RoomOfRequirement · 14/12/2021 18:02

Not all people have 'healthy, good looking' natural hair. Mine has always needed heat no matter the style it's cut into and I've always hated it without.

I don't think once is enough for her to be confident at doing it herself so probably needs a little assistance but I was straightening my hair alone at that age.

I also recommend having it cut and definitely 'thinned out' so it takes less time. An hour is too long.