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AIBU?

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Original poster

For refusing to straighten DSDs hair?

132 replies

FluffyBastard · 14/12/2021 17:17

DSD is 12 and has frizzy curly hair (made worse by the fact that her dad let her get it chemically straightened last year, now it’s just a massive frizzy mess). She’s really self conscious about it so at weekend I sat with her and straightened it for her. It took fucking ages, well over an hour. I talked her through it and showed her how to do it etc - got her to do bits of it herself so she could show me she understood how to do it. She loved the finished result and immediately ran off to do TikTok. Her dad loved it too so I proudly told him I’d shown her how to do it so she can have it like that all the time but had explained it will take ages everytime she does it.

So yesterday, busy day. We went to a Christmas thing on the evening, didn’t get back until almost 8pm. Nobody had eaten so I put dinner on as soon as we walked through the door. I then had to walk the dog and then go and get a shower. Sat down to eat finally and made a comment similar to “god can’t believe it’s getting on for 10pm!” To which DP said “I know! And you have DSDs hair to do yet!” … errr sorry!? Apparently she’d gone to wash it and was awaiting my arrival upstairs. I said “no, sorry - I’m not doing that tonight! It takes over an hour, it’s nearly 10pm, I’ve just sat down to eat and I’m at work in morning! I’m watching The Cockfields and then going to bed!”

Well it all kicked off, he shouted that I was selfish and uncaring, DSD shouted that I was being so unfair and selfish - started crying that she couldn’t possibly go back to school with frizzy hair again … I said she should have asked me first before washing it!!

I also explained that the first incident was a one off to show her how to do it - I told them this at the time! DP insisted that I had said I’d do it for her everytime and would now be expected to live up to that promise! Absolute bullshit, I never agreed to do all the time, I said I’d show her how to do it!! I barely have time to look after my own hair with sitting fit hours doing hers too! WIBU?

OP posts:
Skeumorph · 14/12/2021 18:03

'Never ever tell me again that it's my responsibility to do something for your child. Or that will be the last time I am around when you are parenting.'

FourTeaFallOut · 14/12/2021 18:04

@Ariann

Chemically straightened hair at 12 years old? WTAF. Such vanity. If she wants to straighten her hair she can easily do it herself - you can get heat protective gloves for the purpose. You must really love that man to put up with this absolute BS from his flouncing, vain daughter- what a waste of your time and life!
Jesus, she's 12. Settle down.
RandomMess · 14/12/2021 18:05

I'd be livid!!!

PixiKitKat · 14/12/2021 18:05

A microfibre towel can make a difference to curly, damaged hair as it isn't as rough on the hair as a normal towel so may help her hair in general if her dad got her one of them.

It's up to them to sort through, not your problem at all.

Cosmos123 · 14/12/2021 18:06

@Insertfunnyname

You don’t need a vagina to straighten hair. Her dad can sit and do it. Problem solved. He can even watch a few YouTube videos first if he wants tips.
Grin Best comment. Get lazy dad do it.
AcrossthePond55 · 14/12/2021 18:07

Nothing infuriates me quite as much as someone telling me I said/promised something when I did not. That's the first thing I'd tackle with DP. I'd reiterate that, no matter what he thinks he may have heard, I did NOT promise to do DSD's hair whenever the need arises.

And I'd be sure that this DP didn't become a DH any time soon.

Chloemol · 14/12/2021 18:07

I would do it, showing her father what to do

Then make it very clear it’s up to both of the, to do it in the future

Bet she just carried in with curly hair

Dahlietta · 14/12/2021 18:12

He seems very invested in her having straight hair. Definitely teach him to do it!

IHateCoronavirus · 14/12/2021 18:13

Poor kid, I imagine she felt lovely having it straightened if it normally is so frizzy it is described by her nearest and dearest as ‘a frizzy mess’.

Saying that it isn’t your responsibility to keep doing it for her. You did a nice thing sitting with her for so long the first time, and yes it would have been a good idea for her to clarify the straightening issue before washing. I’m guessing if the hair is thirsty hair it probably didn’t need a wash anyway just yet,

100% agree that if she needs support with maintenance of her hair her birth parents should carry that responsibility. Looks like the biggest issue is with her dad. Again poor kid.

I might be taking a wild stab in the dark but she might have loved the attention as much as the straight hair.

LethargicActress · 14/12/2021 18:19

What did she do with her hair in the end?

scottishnames · 14/12/2021 18:19

I agree that this is not really about hair. A great shame that your DD has somehow got involved.

But I have curly hair. So had my late father and his ancestors (from northern Scotland. Reddish brown. We all have brown/mixedhazel/green eyes, too). I have NEVER wanted it straightened. Why should I? It's mine. It's energetic. It's pretty. It's a sign of life and - I am so sorry - sex. In the past - and indeed now - chaps have rather liked it, too.

OF COURSE it is up to your DD how she would like her hair. But who is influencing her to make decisons? I'd be very, very, very worried about that, at her age.

Just take time, OP. Perhaps show your DD some other options. Perhaps - very very gently - ask your DD why she wants to get rid of her individuality.

AdaColeman · 14/12/2021 18:21

YANBU
Suggest that she gets a pixie cut.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/12/2021 18:22

My dd has had her hair keratin straightened at a salon a couple of times. It removes the frizz and makes straightening take about 10 mins. She has a lot of hair btw.

What I would suggest for your dsd is that she does what I did when I had a perm when I was late teens (and a plonker). She should wash her hair, wrap a towel round to remove the moisture, slick back into a low pony tail. Plait the pony tail. This gives nice, soft waves. I’d also get her to comb frizz ease through before doing this. It will help moisturise and soften the hair.

As for keratin straightening your dsd’s hair, I’m not sure how well it will work and it may well dry her hair out even more. It’s a lot less severe than chemically straightening (reverse perm), which is why I refused to allow my 13 yo to have this done. But it is still a little drying.

Ultimately she’s going to have to wait to grow it out. The plaiting system really worked for me whilst I waited for that to happen.

Needless to say, I totally agree with others. This is not your job. But what I’m suggesting could reduce a lot of work for everyone iyswim.

reasysteady · 14/12/2021 18:22

Modern day slavery!

I can't believe how rude and entitled the father is to you!

MincePieIceCream · 14/12/2021 18:22

Everything about this is fucked up. Your entitled bloke expecting you to turn into a mobile hairdresser at his whim, the fact he chemically straightened a child’s hair, the fact this poor kid has damaged hair and is being given the message the only way she can look acceptable is to spend an hour a day straightening it. All wrong.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/12/2021 18:23

Oh I should have added wash hair in evening and sleep in the plait.

Thegreencup · 14/12/2021 18:26

Totally not the point, but how and why did it take an hour? Even at its longest, from start to finish my hair does take that long to straighten.

She needs some better straighteners and a revlon one step.

Thegreencup · 14/12/2021 18:26

*doesn't

Dozer · 14/12/2021 18:27

DP sounds sexist and disrespectful towards you.

You’ve both been U for reinforcing DD’s dislike of her natural hair.

Your assumption that DD would ‘get it’ and be able to straighten her hair independently after just one demonstration was unrealistic, and why were you ‘proud’ of having shown her the once?

Chely · 14/12/2021 18:29

Tell him to learn how to do it for her

Closetbeanmuncher · 14/12/2021 18:30

If shes had it chemically straightened it will no longer curl until it grows out. If her hair is afro it may be better for her to get it braided until it grows out to prevent further heat damage.

I totally agree with the comments saying her dad should do if he's that bothered.

GrandmasCat · 14/12/2021 18:31

Jesus! If my own child had such a tantrum with such an unreasonable request (I cannot even promise myself to straighten my hair every day even when I hate my freeze curls) I would tell them were to go. She is old enough to deal with her own hair.

It was a nice gesture but from that to become an obligation? Wtf? Give her some hair bands to tie her hair back tomorrow and do not even be talked into helping her with her curly hair…. It is 20 times faster and easier to straighten hair than getting a nice hair day out of curly hair (it takes months and a lot of potions and technique to get there)

Blossom64265 · 14/12/2021 18:32

It is unreasonable to expect after one lesson she is prepared to go off on her own. It is a process at this age.

The question is how much responsibility you have for helping her. We don’t really know the role you play in her life. Step-mother can range from nice friend who happens to be married to her dad to woman who has basically raised her from birth and is her de facto mother.

GrandmasCat · 14/12/2021 18:34

She gave her the basics, it is not mums or stepmums’ obligation to help them master the technique, much less so when they are acting so entitled.

IHateCoronavirus · 14/12/2021 18:34

What kind of curl does she have op? Do you have a close up pic of hair alone. Maybe there will be someone on here who can advise the best and simplest way to bring out the natural best in her hair.

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