DP applying for the same job as me?

[Two4oneJob]

Have name changed as this is identifiable.

I’ve been unemployed for a long time. SAHM plus have a disability means that it has been virtually impossible to get back into work. Have applied for numerous jobs and TBH the longer I apply the less employable I become, especially as a lot of employers are now requesting references from paid employment now within the past two years.

DP has a job and has been working for the same company for a while.

A friend has sent me a link to a job, they’re leaving this job to go elsewhere and so thought I might want to apply for it.

Meanwhile DP has seen it as well and thinks he would like to apply for it as well.

Thing is, as DP has more recent experience etc it’s far more likely that he would get it.

I don’t want to be in a position where we are competing for the same job and where if one of us gets it it leads to resentment on the part of the other.

I do actually think that DP would get this job over me, but I need a job and he essentially doesn’t as he already has one.

But neither do I want to tell him that he should step aside to give me a better chance.

So should I just leave the opportunity open for DP and not apply myself?

I think you should both apply.

Since you aren't living together (where bettering the 'total household income' comes into play by having two earners) you are each entitled to try to better your own finances regardless of the other.

You aren't working, you need the job. He is working, he wants the job. Both of you should apply.

To posters asking no we don’t live together currently. If he gets the job his plan is to move down here and in with me. If he doesn’t get a job here he wants me to move there and live with him, and acknowledges that I would be unlikely to find work.

If he did get the job it would benefit me in so much as I could stay here. I am going to have to move in the next couple of years anyway as my youngest will be leaving school and so my child maintenance will stop, and I do get a decent amount of that from my ex as he’s a high earner. So living here won’t be an option, I’ll have to move somewhere with a lower cost of living.

In terms of skills I do have various of the skills required, excellent communication skills, organisational skills, ability to work independently. I also have management experience from my last job but that was some years ago so I imagine wouldn’t be considered relevant now compared to other candidates.

Well, in that case there is all the more reason for you BOTH to apply, as it would give you BOTH two shots at the benefits of one of you getting the job.

Talk it through from that perspective, take the sting out of it. And, whatver you decide, actively recruit him to help finding you work.

Oh, and don't put yourself down, a skill is a skill. You have valid reasons for your employment gap, don't fear that!

If he doesn’t get a job here he wants me to move there and live with him, and acknowledges that I would be unlikely to find work.

No. Don't do that. Don't put yourself in his hands like that. And if he acknowledges that it will be unlikely you'll find work there, and you want to work, then him wanting you to move there isn't in your best interests, is it? So why does he want that?

He has said that he will more likely get it than me anyway which is why he wants to apply.

He sounds like a right charmer. Certainly thoughtless and selfish. Especially given it was the OP who told him about the job. Sure he saw it on social media later but I'm guessing he was looking for the job details on social media. It was deliberate rather than a coincidence.

I feel sorry for you OP. He sounds like a selfish arse.

Impossible to tell without the background whether he's got a better chance of getting the job or not. He could just be a typical man who thinks he's wonderful whereas the OP has lost confidence in her own abilities. Maybe she's actually better than him.

OP make sure you do apply. And keep your application details and interview prep away from him. You don't want him poach your ideas or make you feel less than him with his insensitive comments.

I hope you get the job.

If he gets the job his plan is to move down here and in with me. If he doesn’t get a job here he wants me to move there and live with him, and acknowledges that I would be unlikely to find work.

Do you want to live with him, or is he forcing this because he knows your situation and he thinks he can?

He has said that he will more likely get it than me anyway which is why he wants to apply

Nice.

Daunting and super easy for me to say - would it be an option to start your own business or WFH freelance where you could have your own equipment set up to meet your needs?

He's not been very tactful, has he. But do YOU think he's more likely to get the job? You kind of sound like that in your posts. If he doesn't apply there could be someone else like him applying anyway.

I didn't apply for a job I would have loved this summer because a friend had seen it first. She was dithering about applying. At the last minute she didn't apply. I wished I'd just gone for it rather than deferring to her because she saw it first.

In your shoes I'd let him apply, but I'd get the friend that suggested you apply to help with your application and do your very best.

I know a thread is just a snapshot but

'If he doesn’t get a job here he wants me to move there and live with him, and acknowledges that I would be unlikely to find work.'

This is a pretty awful position to put yourself in, even if your kids are older. Especially with a man who instead of helping you find much needed work, is trying to sabotage it.

I think you should both apply. No point in worrying a about anything unless you both get to interview stage but even then if it’s considerably more money it would be silly for one of you to pass.

I’ve been there. My OH got the job.

I'm 50/50 on whether your DH is tearing you down or not.
Given that you've applied for lots of jobs he might be saying that he doesn't mind you not working if you move in with him. you shouldn't give up your independence, but you say you'll be forced to move anyway.

Him being more likely to get it is true given how it's going. You actually know the incumbent - but all they've done is 'sent you a link'. They're not going to recommend you, or put in a good word, nada.
Now if this was org policy fair enough. However your DP also has contacts; but his ones, you say will help him be taken seriously!

Sorry if I've gotten the wrong end of the stick but this doesn't make sense.

Unless you live in a tiny village, you’ll be competing with many other people so I don’t think it matters if he applies too. Especially if it works out better for the family overall.

I think you should both apply. No need for anyone to step down for anyone else. Stepping down sounds like you are assuming the job will go to either you or him. There will be other people applying too, so it isn't a case of one person taking this job from the other. It might be that neither of you will get a job offer.

This job has potential for both of you. If you get it, you have a job you want and a good wage. If he gets it, then he will be on a higher wage and be able to move to where you are. That sounds like a good reason for him to apply too. If he doesn't apply because you want to, then if the job goes to someone else, an opportunity to progress your relationship has been lost.

I can see it is a bit annoying, but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Both apply and see what happens.

Please, please don't make yourself financially dependent on him. Only move to his area if you actually like it better AND if you already have a job there that would pay you enough to live independently.

As far as him moving in with you, again, as long as you aren't financially dependent on him and you don't merge finances or put his name on anything that's a bit of a 'less risky' proposition as you could ask him to leave if things end up not being what you expected them to be. Much harder to do if you move to his area, especially if you move without a job or can only find one that won't support you.

I'd be gutted in this situation, I'm in similar situation but different disability and if dh applied for the job (and then was boasting he was more likely to get it) I'd be crushed. Its demoralising as hell constantly applying and getting nowhere, adding a partner going for the same roles when he already has a job would really be salt in the wound for me.

@Skeumorph

If he doesn’t get a job here he wants me to move there and live with him, and acknowledges that I would be unlikely to find work.

No. Don't do that. Don't put yourself in his hands like that. And if he acknowledges that it will be unlikely you'll find work there, and you want to work, then him wanting you to move there isn't in your best interests, is it? So why does he want that?

This. You gave more barriers to employment than he does. Why add another by moving to a place with fewer jobs?

Do you own your current home? If so, please get legal advice before me moves in with you.

And if you rent, don’t put him on the tenancy agreement.

You have your own security and that of your child to think about.

Another thing to consider is what impact him moving in with you would have on any benefits you are claiming, again if you end up loosing these in exchange for being financially dependent on him its a very very bad position to put yourself in.

I think he is being very unreasonable and not very genuine.

Yes there would be advantages to him getting it rather than a random., but this is not the only job in the world, he has fewer barriers, he can just go for the next opportunity to progress.

Him talking about applying has already disadvantaged you, as you are now focussing on his strengths over yours, feeling unsupported, and have his poisonous 'I've got a better chance' in your ear.

A good partner, upon reading a job description that they feel they have a good grip on, would use that to help their partner! He could build you up, give you tips, practise interviews etc.

If he really thought him applying would be good for you as a unit he could still support your application as well, you could be going for a teamwork 'two-pronged attack' using your different skills and see which (if either) lands it.

You know him best but he sounds shady to me. Being kind and supportive of an unconfident partner has to be a priority, not agreeing with them and taking what you want.