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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP applying for the same job as me?

120 replies

Two4oneJob · 14/12/2021 14:58

Have name changed as this is identifiable.

I’ve been unemployed for a long time. SAHM plus have a disability means that it has been virtually impossible to get back into work. Have applied for numerous jobs and TBH the longer I apply the less employable I become, especially as a lot of employers are now requesting references from paid employment now within the past two years.

DP has a job and has been working for the same company for a while.

A friend has sent me a link to a job, they’re leaving this job to go elsewhere and so thought I might want to apply for it.

Meanwhile DP has seen it as well and thinks he would like to apply for it as well.

Thing is, as DP has more recent experience etc it’s far more likely that he would get it.

I don’t want to be in a position where we are competing for the same job and where if one of us gets it it leads to resentment on the part of the other.

I do actually think that DP would get this job over me, but I need a job and he essentially doesn’t as he already has one.

But neither do I want to tell him that he should step aside to give me a better chance.

So should I just leave the opportunity open for DP and not apply myself?

OP posts:
KickAssAngel · 14/12/2021 15:28

If he got the job would that extra money also benefit you?

I think it's fine to talk to him about this - is he doing it to benefit the family as a whole, or just for himself?

If he got the job, would you be able to apply for the one he's currently doing?

This is tough as, of course, he is able to apply for any job he wants. But equally, he should support you however he can. It really depends if he is thinking selfishly or just trying to improve the income for all of you.

Original poster
Two4oneJob · 14/12/2021 15:28

No we don’t live together. If he got this job it would mean him moving here as he works in another town, so me applying for his job wouldn’t work.

OP posts:
itwasntaparty · 14/12/2021 15:29

Unfortunately you would be up against a pool of people with recent relative experience. You may not even get an interview if you don't have the experience.

Better it goes to you partner than someone else.

That's said, I'd be royally pissed off about it.

CheddarGorgeous · 14/12/2021 15:37

I don't think you can stop him applying for the job. If you applied for it and didn't get it then he's excluded himself for no reason.

mistermagpie · 14/12/2021 15:37

Me and DH went for the same job a couple of years ago. For similar reasons to the ones you have identified, he got it.

We approached the whole thing with a sense of humour and were supportive of each other's application and during the process etc, it would have been a promotion for both of us so we thought well we might as well double our chances! We both already worked at the same place btw.

The difference here is that I had a job I already liked and was happy to keep. In your situation I would feel quite annoyed about it as well.

BUT, if it's a promotion for him that he might actually get and a long shot for you, I can see the benefit in you both applying. You might lose out anyway but at least this way one of you gets the better job? Just trying to look at the positives, but I get how you feel completely.

SpaceshiptoMars · 14/12/2021 15:40

I have thought of becoming self employed, but I really can’t think what I would do.

Were you born blind, or is this a later life situation? Can you use your other senses to earn a living? (Massage, counselling, smell/taste testing for a food factory)

Or - what tech are you using to access this forum? Did it take some effort to learn? Can you coach others to do the same?

LittleRoundRobin · 14/12/2021 15:41

Wow, that would annoy me! Lesson learned @Two4oneJob NEVER tell your DP anything again.

swissmodel · 14/12/2021 15:41

Communicate. Instead of writing to a bunch of strangers, just tell him how you feel.

ABCDEF1234 · 14/12/2021 15:41

Dp recently asked me to check over his application for a job. Having read the job advert I considered applying (obviously knowing that he was). If it was for significantly more money than I am currently on I woudl have applied (extra money would have benefited the whole family). As the salary was equal to what I currently earn, and had no other significant benefit over my current role, I decided not to.
He would have had no issue with me applying and vice versa.

buckwheat · 14/12/2021 15:49

Just an idea, if you say you have problems with vision. Take a look at accessibility testing for web applications. Assuming you use screenreaders to help you read websites.

buckwheat · 14/12/2021 15:51

Sorry, was not quite clear - accessibility testing as what type of job you could do with your disability.

LittleRoundRobin · 14/12/2021 15:52

@swissmodel

Communicate. Instead of writing to a bunch of strangers, just tell him how you feel.
These boards would be quiet if everyone took that advice. Hmm

Sometimes people just like/want to get a different perspective from people before diving in and speaking to someone!

Bunnycat101 · 14/12/2021 15:52

Have you tried the civil service? It is known to be one of the more accessible employers re disability.

girlmom21 · 14/12/2021 15:53

@Bunnycat101

Have you tried the civil service? It is known to be one of the more accessible employers re disability.
And the NHS
lottiegarbanzo · 14/12/2021 15:57

Well, there's no harm in you applying. If you get an interview, that would be good experience in itself, wouldn't it?

But it sounds more than likely that someone more experienced and current will get it, whether or not that is your DP.

Still, you never know, you could be very lucky in terms of a lack of other well-qualified applicants.

So yes, you're right to feel peeved and undermined - IF your DP found out about the job from you, not independently.

Though, if it's more in his line and more money, isn't it the sort of thing he ought to be applying for? Are you being a bit unrealistic about your chances?

The thing is, personally unkind though his actions may be, it's not in his gift to give you this job. Most likely someone else will get it.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 14/12/2021 15:58

As you don't live together and share finances I actually think its a massive red flag he wants to go for this job. How long have you been with him?

Lasair · 14/12/2021 16:06

If would be incredibly selfish for him to apply. He has a job and you have kids to support. Wow what a gent he is.

girlmom21 · 14/12/2021 16:07

@Lasair

If would be incredibly selfish for him to apply. He has a job and you have kids to support. Wow what a gent he is.
Why would it? If she's going to get the job she'll get it anyway. If he was offered the job he could turn it down if they were confident she was second choice.

Ultimately it'd be more money for him too so it's stupid not to apply as it won't just be the two of them in the running.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/12/2021 16:22

He's totally Unreasonable and a massive prick if he applies as well

ChiefStockingStuffer · 14/12/2021 16:29

@Two4oneJob

No he’s not the father of my children. He knows that I was thinking of applying.Thing is he has contacts within the organisation so I have little doubt he would be taken seriously. It’s significantly more money than he’s earning at the moment.
I would be quite unhappy if I were you.

You have children. And no job. And desperately want a job, but you are limited in what kind of jobs you can get.

And he thinks applying having learned about it from you because you're applying is ok?

No.

MichelleScarn · 14/12/2021 16:31

Did the dp only learn about the job through op?

steff13 · 14/12/2021 16:33

And he thinks applying having learned about it fromyoubecause you're applying is ok?

She said he saw the listing as well she didn't say that he learned about it from her.

I think you should both apply. He's not going to be the only candidate, neither of you might get it. If he does get it, that doesn't automatically mean you were the second choice and would have gotten it if he hadn't.

speakout · 14/12/2021 16:36

It's a hard one, and I would be pissed off too- but wouldnt it be better for one of you to get the job than neither?
If he applies too your chances are higher that at least one of you will get the job than neither. Him not applying may not automatically mean get the job.
I think a really deep long discussion with your OH and come to a solution that you are both happy with.

SpinnersWindow · 14/12/2021 16:42

I'd be fucked off with that if I'm being brutally honest.

Is it the size and type of company that would guarantee you an interview if you declare a disability and you meet the minimum job criteria, OP? Interview experience is very valuable, even if you don't get the job.

I'd go for it.

lanthanum · 14/12/2021 16:48

I think you should probably both apply, but think through and discuss your potential reactions if either of you gets it (I know you think he's much more likely to, but that's even more reason to think through how he'll feel if you do!).

If he doesn't apply, and you don't get it - wasted opportunity.
Applying, for you, is getting one foot in the door. You might not get this one, but if they like what they see then they might bear you in mind if they have another post. For instance, if they're debating taking on a part-timer as well, they might realise that you might be in the market for that. And if nothing else, it's application/interview practice.

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